Still I Go Nowhere.

My greatest achievement in sobriety since I became an addict almost 7 (dear God) years ago was going 62 days without porn. That ended back in January. Since then I have struggled to even go a week. And lately, I've been on a hell of a losing streak. I went 62 days as a desperate bid to escape porn, as I had just almost suffered my third severe mental breakdown due to porn-induced anxiety and OCD.

I'm a mess. I never thought I'd end up like this. I'm 25 years old. My entire adult life has been plagued by porn addiction. I've spent every waking hour hating myself and pornography. Hating my life, how I feel, and where I'm going. But that hatred is useless. I have learned so much about porn and how to fight it. The only one holding me back is me. It's way too easy to get complacent. Get caught up in life and let your guard down. Be too tired to exercise even though I know it's my only saving grace from cravings. Always has been. If there was a 90 day rehab facility for porn addiction, I'd check myself in in a heartbeat. But there isn't. And I need to start doing the things I should to escape.

I want to tell the people in my life about this problem so they can help, but that would be embarrassing at best and shameful at worst. I can't bear for anyone I love to see me as a sex-crazed freak. Only other option left is self-reliance. I need to remember that I got 2/3 of the way through a reboot before. I can get there again and beyond. But I can't spend half a year relapsing before pushing again. I need to take my life back now. I need exercise daily. I need to rebuild my willpower. Avoid triggers. Fight loneliness. Loneliness is the worst part. Porn makes you painfully crave physical affection, and when you can't get it, you relapse. If the Devil exists, porn is an instrument of his torture. I hate life. Life is suffering now and it's all my fault.

So I'm approaching the end, I think. Either I kill this thing or it's going to kill me. I can't suffer another breakdown. I can't go on like this. I pray to God I can build the strength I need to get me through this and come out on top. Freedom is further away than ever. I've failed more times than I can count. And I can't keep failing. But I need to make myself care. I need a regular regimen of exercise, both physical and mental. I can't let up for a second. Wish me luck. Either I end up free, or die trying. 

How are you doing today?  You pop in every so often, but never stay very long to give updates. 

Hello WoundedSparrow,

There are success stories which means one can fight this, even though it seems impossible today: You can do it.
Your life is too precious to waste it around with PMO, you are 25 and you can change anything today. From your post i see how you suffer from that and to name that out is perfect.

Apart from that, what is leading you to PMO? What are your emotions?

Hard to say. I think it's just a matter of routine. A rut. I spend so much of my mental energy thinking about how much I hate porn and how miserable it's made me, but when the chance comes to resist, I always give in. Life gets in the way. I find that exercise is a great remedy. Very rarely to I entertain an urge after working out. In fact, exercise reduces overall urges, unwanted thoughts, anxiety, brain fog, etc. It's like a miracle cure. So you'd think I would be hitting the gym every night, right? Nope. Lethargy is a mortal enemy of mine. Often times I get home from work and I'm beat, so I just blow off working out. Over and over again this happens until I relapse. And that doesn't inspire me to change. I fall into a rut of laziness, misery, self-loathing, and mental instability.

I'm over a week sober as I write this, not to jinx myself. The reason is because I started exercising again. Immediately I noticed a change in my overall mental health. I became more alert and my mental issues that came with porn have been drastically reduced. I feel... Almost normal. But history has taught me that a single screw-up can ruin it. But seriously, exercise is awesome for me. I need to keep doing it. And if I fail, I need to do it more. I need to get on with my life. I've wasted so much time.

DoneAtLast said:

How are you doing today?  You pop in every so often, but never stay very long to give updates.

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You know, I suffer from what I like to call "The McDonald's Effect." You ever see that documentary "Supersize Me?" It's about how awful McDonald's, and fast food in general, is hazardous to your health. But when people watch it, they get hungry for McDonald's. The concept is there and it's alluring. The notion of eating it is in their heads. The same is true with me and porn. I've relapsed after visiting these forums because, like with Supersize Me, the concept of porn use has been planted in my head and it gnaws away at me until I give in.

The same is true if I think too much about porn and how it effects me. If I sit and spend a bit of time during the day trying to ponder on my porn problems, I find that a relapse is in the not-too-distant future. It's like clockwork. So I try to avoid even discussing or thinking too much about porn to limit the risk of a relapse. These forums are supposed to be a community when I can talk to others in my shoes and be therapeutic for me, but sometimes they lead me right back to the beast. So I tend to limit my time here to keep myself sober. Idk if that makes sense to you.

WoundedSparrow said:

These forums are supposed to be a community when I can talk to others in my shoes and be therapeutic for me, but sometimes they lead me right back to the beast. So I tend to limit my time here to keep myself sober. Idk if that makes sense to you.

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Oh, it makes perfect sense to me!  I stayed away from these boards during critical times of my own reboot, too.  I called it the "don't think of an elephant" effect, but I like the McDonald's analogy much more.  Part of addiction is the ruminations and OCD-like nature of it, and talking about porn addiction all the time can definitely reinforce those patterns.  I do think the knife cuts both ways, though.  Sometimes by recognizing the ruminations as they happen they lose a lot of power. 

After reading a lot of your posts, I'd like to make an observation, if I may be so bold.  Please tell me which parts (if not all) I get wrong.  It seems like 95% of your time is spent in one of two modes.  One is winning.  You're exercising, you don't want/need porn, you're doing great.  You have all the right weapons and armor, and they work great.  The other is being defeated.  That is usually when we see you stop by.  You've done a lot of amazing work to figure out what works and what doesn't, understanding the consequences of porn addiction and wanting to quit, but there seems to be some force that kicks your butt that you haven't been able to identify.  If you don't want to figure out what that was when you're feeling good and you're feeling too exhausted and defeated at other times to give it any thought (both are understandable situations), then you're left with a small window to figure out what that is.  You've done so much to map this out for yourself that I'm convinced there could be some breakthrough just sitting and waiting.  Maybe that's too much optimism, but I don't think so.  There is something that sits and waits for you when you don't keep yourself busy or on an athlete's high, and you really need to know what that is.  Knowing what it is tells you how to defeat it... maybe after several more attempts, but it will tell you.  Relapses are less devastating then, because you see where things went wrong and have a sense of how to do better next time.

So, if 95% of your time is inopportune to do that examination, where is the 5% that will work?  Maybe right now, one week in?  Before the real white knuckle stuff starts?  I don't know.  It is elusive, I get it.  That stillness that can allow for the reflection can sometimes just unlock the gates for the OCD, so we just close the gates and lose the stillness.  It can seem like we're trapped on all sides, but we don't need to perfect it the first time around.  We just need to get some clues.  Once we understand that enemy, we can know what weapons and armor to bring to that part of the battle.  And, that tactical gear might end up just a giant flashlight... shine enough light on that enemy, and it might just shrivel up.

Food for thought:
"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone," - Blaise Pascal

UPDATE: It's a disaster. 5 relapses in under a week. The mental pain is there and so is the desire to quit. But the appetite is insatiable. I exercised the other day and relapsed anyway. It was that strong. And after hating myself and my decision all day, I relapsed again the next night. I can't stop. I want to stop. I NEED to stop. I was doing so well. I'm so ashamed. I feel broken. I give in even though I know what the consequences are. I may have a breakdown soon, and if that happens, I'm not going to survive. I know everything I need to do. I want to do it. I need to. But I can't. It's too strong. I can't stop it.

It'll be okay.

You need to be beating yourself up less.  Beating yourself up is a major victory for porn.  It might even be a bigger victory than the relapse itself.  What?  How does that make any sense?  Well, with a relapse you can get back up and do a little better next time. When you're beating yourself up, you're throwing out progress and a part of you is convincing yourself that the porn addiction defines you through and through, there is no [insert name here] aside from porn. 

It is too strong.  You can't stop it.  Except... you will.  I never had the strength to over come my addiction, but I did.  It is a weird paradox.  There are good reasons that people post-recovery talk so much about religion.  It is hard to explain how it happens because when you see it up close you understand that it just didn't happen from our own efforts.  Have faith.  Don't be afraid.

As you know you can't beat this is one 'sitting'. It takes time. Recovery isn't linear. You have good runs, then you you have periods of relapses. While it doesn't make sense to beat yourself up over the relapses, you can channel the anger to your benefit. Try to channel it to make your resolve to beat this addiction stronger.

When you get urges to look at porn, switch off your computer and go and distract yourself. Smartphones are a different problem.

I know how it feels. It starts as an itch that you just have to scratch. If you can find something that keeps your mind off porn, then it becomes a little easier. Night time, just before bed is my problem zone. I have a last email/social media check and then the itch starts. It happened last night. I just switched my computer off and went to bed. The itch didn't go away for a while, but I was determined not to turn on my computer.

Others have beaten this, we can too. We just need time, but don't let that make your resolve any less.

Good luck!

Update 2: I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. You're all good people. You know what the worst part of porn addiction is? The sexual OCD. Idk if you can relate, but I already had OCD prior to porn addiction, and it's just gotten worse with time. And much of it is sexual. I have so many compulsive, unwanted thoughts about people that I KNOW I don't want sexually. My brain just tries to sexualize everyone it sees and the OCD only makes it worse. I am tormented almost every minute of every day and have been for years. I'm a few days sober now, and I hope to keep it that way. I'm tired of living like this.

The OCD must be a living hell, especially when you're trying to quit porn.

Just keep posting. Hopefully, it will keep you on track and you will beat this addiction. I think just about everyone on this forum is very supportive. Every day without porn makes you just that little bit stronger at resisting the urges to watch it.

Good luck!

WoundedSparrow said:

Update 2: I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. You're all good people. You know what the worst part of porn addiction is? The sexual OCD. Idk if you can relate, but I already had OCD prior to porn addiction, and it's just gotten worse with time. And much of it is sexual. I have so many compulsive, unwanted thoughts about people that I KNOW I don't want sexually. My brain just tries to sexualize everyone it sees and the OCD only makes it worse. I am tormented almost every minute of every day and have been for years. I'm a few days sober now, and I hope to keep it that way. I'm tired of living like this.

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Funny you should mention the OCD.  I just mentioned OCD in two of my replies to some threads on these boards.  Rebooters are cursed with some serious sexual OCD worrying about erections, about sexual opportunities, all sorts of things.  The FOMO is very real, and dangerous.  Also that weird reaction that when we see a beautiful woman we feel we must do something.  Why?  Why not just say to ourselves "wow, that is a beautiful woman" and move on?  The combining effect of the porn induced OCD and real bona fide OCD must be pretty intense. 

DoneAtLast said:

WoundedSparrow said:

Update 2: I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. You're all good people. You know what the worst part of porn addiction is? The sexual OCD. Idk if you can relate, but I already had OCD prior to porn addiction, and it's just gotten worse with time. And much of it is sexual. I have so many compulsive, unwanted thoughts about people that I KNOW I don't want sexually. My brain just tries to sexualize everyone it sees and the OCD only makes it worse. I am tormented almost every minute of every day and have been for years. I'm a few days sober now, and I hope to keep it that way. I'm tired of living like this.

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Funny you should mention the OCD.  I just mentioned OCD in two of my replies to some threads on these boards.  Rebooters are cursed with some serious sexual OCD worrying about erections, about sexual opportunities, all sorts of things.  The FOMO is very real, and dangerous.  Also that weird reaction that when we see a beautiful woman we feel we must do something.  Why?  Why not just say to ourselves "wow, that is a beautiful woman" and move on?  The combining effect of the porn induced OCD and real bona fide OCD must be pretty intense.

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You have no idea. I'm talking about unwanted sexual thoughts popping into my head every time I look at someone. I've had legitimate mental breakdowns because I've thought I was gay. It's an endless nightmare.

UPDATE 3: Relapsed AGAIN. Despite suffering one of the most horrific weeks in recent memory, I still gave in. I'm a mess. I need to think.

Hello WoundedSparrow,

Thanks for sharing what's up at your place.
A relapse is a side effect of us stopping PMO, in that regards please be soft with yourself and shift it away. It has no meaning whatsoever. You can go back to focus.
How is your self education about OCD?

OK, you relapsed. Just get back on track and move on.

Try to remember how you felt after you relapsed. Wasn't it worth it in the end? I suspect not. This isn't easy, and we all slip up, but just keep moving in the right direction. You will reach your destination. Just push on and don't beat yourself up over it.

Good luck!

WoundedSparrow said:

DoneAtLast said:

WoundedSparrow said:

Update 2: I appreciate your kind words of encouragement. You're all good people. You know what the worst part of porn addiction is? The sexual OCD. Idk if you can relate, but I already had OCD prior to porn addiction, and it's just gotten worse with time. And much of it is sexual. I have so many compulsive, unwanted thoughts about people that I KNOW I don't want sexually. My brain just tries to sexualize everyone it sees and the OCD only makes it worse. I am tormented almost every minute of every day and have been for years. I'm a few days sober now, and I hope to keep it that way. I'm tired of living like this.

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Funny you should mention the OCD.  I just mentioned OCD in two of my replies to some threads on these boards.  Rebooters are cursed with some serious sexual OCD worrying about erections, about sexual opportunities, all sorts of things.  The FOMO is very real, and dangerous.  Also that weird reaction that when we see a beautiful woman we feel we must do something.  Why?  Why not just say to ourselves "wow, that is a beautiful woman" and move on?  The combining effect of the porn induced OCD and real bona fide OCD must be pretty intense.

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You have no idea. I'm talking about unwanted sexual thoughts popping into my head every time I look at someone. I've had legitimate mental breakdowns because I've thought I was gay. It's an endless nightmare.

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OCD, in my incredibly amateurish assessment, is very cyclical.  A desire to not think about something or to resolve something in order to not have to think about it is ultimately counter productive.  These anxieties have great power to keep spinning the wheel, and your temperament already has a well greased axle to let the wheel spin very well.  So, how does the wheel start to slow down?  I can definitely see why you feel so much despair during a relapse.

How well do mindfulness practices work for you?  Something like simply saying to yourself "this is an obsessive thought" and thinking of the porn addiction as a guy in your brain yelling crap at you non-stop.  I know for me, who dealt with a lot less of the OCD stuff, it helped a lot.  To know that the voice in my head is a lying little wienie that wanted me destroyed gave me power over it.  Eventually I recognized its voice and knew its commands weren't to be obeyed.  Yeah, he comes around to piss me off sometimes, but he is no longer much good at it.  Your lying little wienie is definitely a more powerful one.

*religious content here:*

Related to OCD is scrupulosity, which isn't always described very well.  Basically, if you take the obsessions in the OCD and add a layer of offending God, usually by some very silly small modification of religious practice, and feeling convinced that it is going to just destroy your life.  Within Catholicism, scruples are deeply antithetical.  Scrupulosity has haunted the Church from the early days, but it has always been rejected from main line Church teaching, even if it has set some pretty deep roots at various points in time.  The greatest saints and teachers in the Church were often responding to scrupulosity more than, say, problems of secularism or paganism.  Jansenism was one movement, where absolution wasn't given in confession unless a priest was completely convinced of penitence (an impossible thing to measure), and true sacramentality became impossible.  We're in another era of scruples now as social media has been like a scrupulosity feeding trough for vulnerable young people, usually identifying themselves as "trads", because they're often obsessed with the idea that God is super pissed that we're not doing stuff the old fashioned way.  They clearly are not in a good place for mental health.  Lest anyone blame it on religiosity in general, I'd point out again that while it has been with the Church for over 2000 years (longer still, you can find examples in the psalms) it has always been opposed by the greatest teachers, and JC himself condemned it when sparring with the Pharisees.

I mention all of this because porn/sex related OCD seems to be a middle ground between typical OCD and scrupulosity.  It isn't a strictly moral thing for most people, but most OCD obsessions are not moral matters, usually things like washing or checking a locked door.  I see this a lot in rebooters who are worried about random sexual thoughts, flashbacks, and so on.  I always think of something I heard years ago but can't remember where: "you can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from making a nest in your hair".  I see it sometimes when people reset counters, too.  Even if they don't have moral compunctions about sex or porn in any traditional sense, they have recognized an evil in their lives and are being haunted by it.

*religious content ends*

Mostly just thinking out loud with this post... maybe you can find something more meaningful here, I don't know.

UPDATE 4: Another relapse. This is torturous. I can feel that breakdown coming any day now. How do you go from a binge to a week clean? I'm going to start exercising again. I have to. I'm tired of spending all day suffering just to relapse at night and perpetuate the cycle. I wish I could talk to someone.

thats ok, dont beat yourself up too much. a relapse is a good chance to identify your triggers. what was the trigger? take a note of it and then you can avoid it next time.
also, that feeling you are feeling now, the feeling of being a useless piece of shit. hang on ot that. the motivation to never feel like that again becuase of porn is an effective weapon in your reboot. how on earth is porn worth feeling the way you do now?
if you dont want to feel ike that again you know what to do

WoundedSparrow said:

UPDATE 4: Another relapse. This is torturous. I can feel that breakdown coming any day now. How do you go from a binge to a week clean? I'm going to start exercising again. I have to. I'm tired of spending all day suffering just to relapse at night and perpetuate the cycle. I wish I could talk to someone.

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WoundedSparrow, you got this! Whenever I feel about to relapse, I watch one of Gabe's or Noah's videos on youtube and remind myself of why I'm doing this. Have a cold shower, go for a walk, lock your devices away somewhere, just find someway to focus your mind on something else so it does not drift to porn. You've got this, anyone can Reboot.