Hi all,
Just turned 40 (well, in October), and have been using porn, one form or another, on and off, since around 17 or so. Between the ages of 20 to about 22, I was practically impotent, mostly visited hookers, some of them made fun of me when I couldn't get it up, which brought me really down. Was afraid to look for a gf because of that. Then I fell in love, but was not able to get it up with her for almost six months. But she was patient, and it finally happend, but still the sex was really bad, either I came too soon, or my erections are not that hard,... During the two years I was with her, I didn't watch that much porn, but after we split, I went right back to it.
I hit rock bottom about 12 years ago (2004 or so) while doing my graduate studies, mostly because my research was going nowhere. Depression sat in and was spending at least 3 hours on porn every day, sometimes first thing in the morning before breakfast, sometimes from 8pm to 3am, no break! At the uni, at home, whenever I get access to internet. Anyway, the depression went bad, I became suicidal, took a short break from studying, got better, went back to school, and managed to get my PhD (still using porn quite often, but not so obsessively).
Things started to get better then, I started running, quit smoking, lost 20+kgs, started dating and experimented a bit with picking up girls, but still porn was in the background. Though the sex was good when I was having regular partners, had several occasions where I got ED when I was with a girl for the first time. I remember several occasions of going out to a bar/club, seducing a girl, bringing her home or go to her place, and then, nada. The disappointment in their face, my self hatred, I actually lost interest in going out to meet girls, because, what is the use of it, anyways? I became more afraid of success in seduction than rejection. Specially there were occasions when I met girls in my social circle and I was interested in them and I can tell they were as well, but I was afraid to take it to the next level because "what if I can't get it up? this might screw up things if they tell...", stupid thinking, I know, but I couldn't run away from it.
In 2014, I stumbled across some tantra workshops/groups here where I live and I attended a couple of workshops that completely blew me away. Mid way through the workshop, I, who was ashamed of my penis size, who was afraid of ED, who was afraid of PE, completely lost shame and was able to have sex with four different women in one day, while others were watching, without ejaculating even once. I felt like a king! I continued seeing one of the women that I met during the workshop, but she lived in Norway and it kinda died (but whenever we met, the sex was incredible. She was very experienced tantric practitioner, there was no ejaculation involved and we could do it until we have no energy left).
Unfortunately, the tantra community was a bit too crazy for me, because it was very hard to get deep with one women one to one. I am very open minded and really for open relationships and so on, but this was complete obsession. Whenever I go to their party, it always ends up being an orgy where everyone is fucking everybody else, almost. To be honest, if all the women were hot, maybe I would have been lost in that as well, but maybe I was attracted to only few of the women in the group. So I slowly drifted away from the group, even though I am still grateful for getting me in touch with my sexuality, not be ashamed of it, and also experience some of the best sexual experience of my life.
Well, then I slowly drifted back to porn again, not so much, but still there were the once in a while binging when I watch porn two three nights in a row after not thinking about it for two three weeks. Also, I was not dating. Last year, I went to tokyo for six months for work and I met a japanese women, and we dated the last three months. Sex with her was really great, from the first night, it just got better and better. But there was no emotional connection, and the fact that she almost didnt speak english didnt help at all. Anyways, when I left Tokyo, I thought OK that is it, it is over. But we kept contact and she even came to see me for 6 days mid february (I live in Europe). I was happy to see her, and the sex was great again, but after three days in a row with her and having sex around four times every day, I got really bored with her and felt suffocated (it was becoming even difficult to come without digging into my porn fantasies). So I was almost on the verge of breaking up with her, but luckily the six days passed and she went back. She has told me she is in love with me, and I am almost sure if I tell her come and live with me, she will drop everything and come. But I don't feel the same about her at the moment, so right now, I am keeping it cool. We are still in touch and skype once a week, but no plans about the future. I am just trying to see if any feeling will develop as time goes by. Let's see.
Anyways, I joined rebootnation because I realized that after she left I started watching porn more, about twice a week (but looong sessions). Yesterday was one such a day. I don't want to fall back again to my old self, because I feel a little bit of boredom, some stress at work, a feeling of a bit abandoned by my closest friends because either they just had a baby, or got a new gf, etc...and spending more and more time alone, which makes me very susceptible to fall back to the addiction.
I am trying to get more social, just started a running club, yesterday was our first meeting. I started teaching yoga after one year break, and I have started running quite seriously and want to get a personal best in 10K and half marathon. Also doing bodyweight exercises at home and going to the gym about twice a week. I feel very fit and healthy, but still I am not going out that much or getting involved in events where I can meet women. So that is one thing I really want to change in the coming weeks.
Wow, post is getting too long, I better stop here now. But happy to be here, and will try to report as often as I can.
Cheers!
T
Just turned 40 (well, in October), and have been using porn, one form or another, on and off, since around 17 or so. Between the ages of 20 to about 22, I was practically impotent, mostly visited hookers, some of them made fun of me when I couldn't get it up, which brought me really down. Was afraid to look for a gf because of that. Then I fell in love, but was not able to get it up with her for almost six months. But she was patient, and it finally happend, but still the sex was really bad, either I came too soon, or my erections are not that hard,... During the two years I was with her, I didn't watch that much porn, but after we split, I went right back to it.
I hit rock bottom about 12 years ago (2004 or so) while doing my graduate studies, mostly because my research was going nowhere. Depression sat in and was spending at least 3 hours on porn every day, sometimes first thing in the morning before breakfast, sometimes from 8pm to 3am, no break! At the uni, at home, whenever I get access to internet. Anyway, the depression went bad, I became suicidal, took a short break from studying, got better, went back to school, and managed to get my PhD (still using porn quite often, but not so obsessively).
Things started to get better then, I started running, quit smoking, lost 20+kgs, started dating and experimented a bit with picking up girls, but still porn was in the background. Though the sex was good when I was having regular partners, had several occasions where I got ED when I was with a girl for the first time. I remember several occasions of going out to a bar/club, seducing a girl, bringing her home or go to her place, and then, nada. The disappointment in their face, my self hatred, I actually lost interest in going out to meet girls, because, what is the use of it, anyways? I became more afraid of success in seduction than rejection. Specially there were occasions when I met girls in my social circle and I was interested in them and I can tell they were as well, but I was afraid to take it to the next level because "what if I can't get it up? this might screw up things if they tell...", stupid thinking, I know, but I couldn't run away from it.
In 2014, I stumbled across some tantra workshops/groups here where I live and I attended a couple of workshops that completely blew me away. Mid way through the workshop, I, who was ashamed of my penis size, who was afraid of ED, who was afraid of PE, completely lost shame and was able to have sex with four different women in one day, while others were watching, without ejaculating even once. I felt like a king! I continued seeing one of the women that I met during the workshop, but she lived in Norway and it kinda died (but whenever we met, the sex was incredible. She was very experienced tantric practitioner, there was no ejaculation involved and we could do it until we have no energy left).
Unfortunately, the tantra community was a bit too crazy for me, because it was very hard to get deep with one women one to one. I am very open minded and really for open relationships and so on, but this was complete obsession. Whenever I go to their party, it always ends up being an orgy where everyone is fucking everybody else, almost. To be honest, if all the women were hot, maybe I would have been lost in that as well, but maybe I was attracted to only few of the women in the group. So I slowly drifted away from the group, even though I am still grateful for getting me in touch with my sexuality, not be ashamed of it, and also experience some of the best sexual experience of my life.
Well, then I slowly drifted back to porn again, not so much, but still there were the once in a while binging when I watch porn two three nights in a row after not thinking about it for two three weeks. Also, I was not dating. Last year, I went to tokyo for six months for work and I met a japanese women, and we dated the last three months. Sex with her was really great, from the first night, it just got better and better. But there was no emotional connection, and the fact that she almost didnt speak english didnt help at all. Anyways, when I left Tokyo, I thought OK that is it, it is over. But we kept contact and she even came to see me for 6 days mid february (I live in Europe). I was happy to see her, and the sex was great again, but after three days in a row with her and having sex around four times every day, I got really bored with her and felt suffocated (it was becoming even difficult to come without digging into my porn fantasies). So I was almost on the verge of breaking up with her, but luckily the six days passed and she went back. She has told me she is in love with me, and I am almost sure if I tell her come and live with me, she will drop everything and come. But I don't feel the same about her at the moment, so right now, I am keeping it cool. We are still in touch and skype once a week, but no plans about the future. I am just trying to see if any feeling will develop as time goes by. Let's see.
Anyways, I joined rebootnation because I realized that after she left I started watching porn more, about twice a week (but looong sessions). Yesterday was one such a day. I don't want to fall back again to my old self, because I feel a little bit of boredom, some stress at work, a feeling of a bit abandoned by my closest friends because either they just had a baby, or got a new gf, etc...and spending more and more time alone, which makes me very susceptible to fall back to the addiction.
I am trying to get more social, just started a running club, yesterday was our first meeting. I started teaching yoga after one year break, and I have started running quite seriously and want to get a personal best in 10K and half marathon. Also doing bodyweight exercises at home and going to the gym about twice a week. I feel very fit and healthy, but still I am not going out that much or getting involved in events where I can meet women. So that is one thing I really want to change in the coming weeks.
Wow, post is getting too long, I better stop here now. But happy to be here, and will try to report as often as I can.
Cheers!
T
