I want to be strong

MMSmith

New Member
*Disclaimer: I can come across as a bit arrogant and conceited.  This is primarily written as a personal narrative to reread later*

People tell me I inspire them.
People say I motivate them.
People tell me thanks for helping them when they needed it the most.
People tell me I am strong.

To be fair, I am far more confident than I should be.  I was raised in a cult-like religion where most of those that have left still struggle with recovery.
I have a dad-bod and would only peg myself at average in looks on a good day.
I have had many setbacks in my life that should have crushed my confidence.
I let go of negativity and project a positive outlook.  I am honest, but tactful and people call that strength.

I am not strong though.
I am porn addicted and have had an issue with M for as long as I can remember.  Side effect of cult is that it discusses all manners of ?sin? in graphic terms and I was sexualized at a very young age.

I have been using PMO so long now, I sometimes need it to fall asleep.  I have PIED which I had just accepted as a part of me for years now.

I haven?t even wanted to quit.  Last time I tried was over 15 years ago and I lasted 17 days.  For someone with a lot of confidence, it sickened me I couldn?t quit.
I confidently accepted that this is who I was and carried on with life.  I found other ways to keep my wife satisfied, but she always felt bad I wasn?t able to climax with her.
?Getting old I guess? is how she chocked it up.

I am not happy with this.  I don?t really know why I am trying to make a change now.  Nothing makes today different or special, but it is the day I want to remove the last bit of weakness from me.

If anyone cares to read along, I won?t be updating at any regular frequency, but I will be honest.  It may be a fantastic success story, it may be abject failure.

I want to be strong, let?s see how it goes.
 

MMSmith

New Member
Clocking in at 3 days at the start.
No willpower, just been busy with a new job so I have been distracted.  Figured I might as well start while I have a small streak going.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hi MMSmith

            I can give you one reason to give it up and go clean from porn  do it just to see the possibilities  and prove you can.  What do you have to lose  I was a 35 year long addict.  I'm now 30 days clean and Ive never felt to clear minded    Perhaps you will cure the pied  its always worth at least a shot

    Cheers

    Post often it he;lps me it helps you
 
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