Dear All,
I am 30 years old and i am trying to get rid from a porn addiction that prevents me from having a normal and healthy sex with the one i love (i met her a half year ago) and simply a normal relationship. I am very sad i didn't start my recovery earlier (please take an example from this. You never know when you will meet someone who really cares about you and will want to make real love with you).
I know i will succeed but it is always a much longer road than we expect.
I have relapsed three times so far. And now i hope that i am ready to go all the way to get rid from my addiction. I am learning from my mistakes and i learn more and more facts and theory about porn addiction that helps me a lot. First time i did relapse after first two weeks. It seemed so easy at first (now i understand that it seemed so easy because i met my girl several times and she just took all those illusional urges away). But after two weeks urges became so strong i felt ike a psyco and i couldnt meet her by that time. I went into chat (i didnt even watch porn), started some conversations about my fetishes and it triggered my fantasies so much i felt a new dose rushing in. It all led to touching myself and orgasm as my genitals was super sensitive that moment. The same happened 4 days after. I was so depressed and angry on myself both times. I had failed myself and my relationship so hard. The third time happened yesterday. I had entered a new level as i did whitstand for at least a month and i started to feel urges leaving me away as i made a super mistake of checking out if i can control myself. Of course that moment it was that stupidest thought of "Nothing would happen if i just watch it for a second" and my willpower were somewhere else i guess. I became careless and i got SO STRONG urges at once and i became like hypnotized. I tried to control myself but i could not. I EDGED! And it is worst thing that can happen. I could stop watching after some time but i was on the edge. I felt dopamine rushing within me and I understood that if i dont orgasm it will tear me apart whole night.
Now i know that whenever i enter these chat or porn sites i will fail. I will use all my knowledge to fight my addiction. I even told it my girlfriend and thanks God she seemed like to understand it and she supports me. I want her and i want normal sexual relationships. And even if she would not i knpow that i would fight my addiction and i will get rid of it. I want real pleasure from making love not a filthy desires that leads to pain and depression.
My stronger side is that i have good basics. I grew up with no porn and i still remember how it has to feel for real (I had a super beautiful virgin girlfriend at about 23 and i wanted her so much but our relationship didnt continue and she didnt ever satisfy me). I am into porn for at least five years and i have adopted interest for hardcore porn. At that time it was a way to flee from my relationship that was such a drama for me. Currently i feel like even with my relapses i am now attracted to more softcore things that are enough for me so i dont feel like i start it from zero. I have acquired more willpower and of course KNOWLEDGE. Without knowledge it would be extremely hard to fight it. I have started to meditate regulary and i feel how much sport activities benefits fighting these urges. But i know that all those urges and fetishes are right there and just waits for any trigger to occure.
I hope this post helps myself and i hope that this and my following posts will help me and will benefit someone else also. This is just another day on a road to my ultimate goal but lets call it a first one to feel more of a challenge because i dont want to allow any porn or cyber sex anymore. I want my to be free and to become a better person.
LOVE !
I am 30 years old and i am trying to get rid from a porn addiction that prevents me from having a normal and healthy sex with the one i love (i met her a half year ago) and simply a normal relationship. I am very sad i didn't start my recovery earlier (please take an example from this. You never know when you will meet someone who really cares about you and will want to make real love with you).
I know i will succeed but it is always a much longer road than we expect.
I have relapsed three times so far. And now i hope that i am ready to go all the way to get rid from my addiction. I am learning from my mistakes and i learn more and more facts and theory about porn addiction that helps me a lot. First time i did relapse after first two weeks. It seemed so easy at first (now i understand that it seemed so easy because i met my girl several times and she just took all those illusional urges away). But after two weeks urges became so strong i felt ike a psyco and i couldnt meet her by that time. I went into chat (i didnt even watch porn), started some conversations about my fetishes and it triggered my fantasies so much i felt a new dose rushing in. It all led to touching myself and orgasm as my genitals was super sensitive that moment. The same happened 4 days after. I was so depressed and angry on myself both times. I had failed myself and my relationship so hard. The third time happened yesterday. I had entered a new level as i did whitstand for at least a month and i started to feel urges leaving me away as i made a super mistake of checking out if i can control myself. Of course that moment it was that stupidest thought of "Nothing would happen if i just watch it for a second" and my willpower were somewhere else i guess. I became careless and i got SO STRONG urges at once and i became like hypnotized. I tried to control myself but i could not. I EDGED! And it is worst thing that can happen. I could stop watching after some time but i was on the edge. I felt dopamine rushing within me and I understood that if i dont orgasm it will tear me apart whole night.
Now i know that whenever i enter these chat or porn sites i will fail. I will use all my knowledge to fight my addiction. I even told it my girlfriend and thanks God she seemed like to understand it and she supports me. I want her and i want normal sexual relationships. And even if she would not i knpow that i would fight my addiction and i will get rid of it. I want real pleasure from making love not a filthy desires that leads to pain and depression.
My stronger side is that i have good basics. I grew up with no porn and i still remember how it has to feel for real (I had a super beautiful virgin girlfriend at about 23 and i wanted her so much but our relationship didnt continue and she didnt ever satisfy me). I am into porn for at least five years and i have adopted interest for hardcore porn. At that time it was a way to flee from my relationship that was such a drama for me. Currently i feel like even with my relapses i am now attracted to more softcore things that are enough for me so i dont feel like i start it from zero. I have acquired more willpower and of course KNOWLEDGE. Without knowledge it would be extremely hard to fight it. I have started to meditate regulary and i feel how much sport activities benefits fighting these urges. But i know that all those urges and fetishes are right there and just waits for any trigger to occure.
I hope this post helps myself and i hope that this and my following posts will help me and will benefit someone else also. This is just another day on a road to my ultimate goal but lets call it a first one to feel more of a challenge because i dont want to allow any porn or cyber sex anymore. I want my to be free and to become a better person.
LOVE !