Call me Captain F*cking Sunshine

Hey, so this is gonna be my journal. Not really sure how to go about this so I'm just going to throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks. I'm 23 and I've been doing PMO since I was about 12 or 13. I started noticing problems performing with women a couple years ago, and since then have become pretty shy about getting intimate with them for fear of ridicule. I still continued to PMO over that time. But as of the last year or so I've been trying (intermittently) to stop, without really dedicating myself to it. The closest I've come to really making a step was the deletion of my substantial collection of contraband last October, that only lasted about 2 weeks. Since then it has been partially rebuilt, and just yesterday destroyed once and for all. I am currently on day 1 of no PMO, and plan on making this my LAST day 1. Too optimistic? I think not, thats why they call me Captain F*cking Sunshine.

So I'm nearing the end of day 2. Hasn't been an easy one. Went out and got drunk last night, then got up too early for family stuff. Lack of sleep leaves my inhibitions somewhat lowered making todays urges especially difficult to handle. There was a pretty decent upside though, just yet another reminder of WHY I'm doing this to begin with, a girl. I arrived early at work and sat alone, as I usually do until my friends arrive. And this really cute girl comes and sits right next to me, in a virtual valley of open desks. It was a good confidence booster as well as a harsh lesson. Even if I managed to start a relationship, it would likely crumble if I'm still incapable of performing, and I would love to be able to really get out there with complete confidence in myself. But hey, I managed to dodge porn today despite working in a sea of triggers. Tomorrow will be better, I already know it. 

hey frustrated gaming, keep going. You can make it.
I am starting today, just about to start my own journal.

I found that in order to make progress I had to clear my mind. I shouldn't speak much since I failed today, though I have had long periods without PMO in the last few months.

Keep it up man, you are worth it.

papers said:

Keep it up man, you are worth it.

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Thanks man, I appreciate it.

I'm at the end of day 3 now, thankfully it was much easier than yesterday but I think thats probably due to the fact that i was bust non-stop at work today so there wasnt much time for my mind to wander to places it doesnt need to be. Definitely had a couple moments I thought about it, but for the most part today was really calm. And as a bit of a side note, if I have enough energy here in a bit, I'll probably get back to working out. Thats another one of my goals along with no PMO, is to actually get back to exercising. I figure I'll try and replace some of the time I would normally waste looking at porn with exercise I will make some serious progress before too long haha. Current weight: 197 (that part is just for me to keep track haha)

So day 4 is coming to a close, it was actually a lot harder than I was expecting it to be. My triggers at work are everywhere, the dress code there is loose to bordering on non-existent. But whatever, I toughed it out and did my best not to let those thoughts completely control my day as they used to. Not much else to say I'm afraid, one day longer and one day stronger. I think just by putting all this out there its actually helping. I know its too soon to say that but usually my biggest hump is making it past day 3, and here we are at day 4 going on 5. We got this.....ya know, probably haha.

Exercise, games, sports, socializing, anything really that keeps you away from access is a good thing. Something I've tried (works for falling asleep while driving too) is to call someone as soon as the trigger hits. You got this.

So I'm a bit late to post, but I have survived day 5 and am currently sitting in day 6. I went out and got drunk tonight with a group of friends so I am in decent spirits. Today was not terrible in terms of triggers, but I had a sort of nightmare last night that I had some how had an orgasm and ruined my goal. Luckily I woke up relieved so to speak, having realized it was just a dream. Another day done, lets move on to the next one. My longest streak ever was only about 2 weeks, and I feel confident that I'm going to tear that record apart so badly I wont even recognize it. I think this was a good day.

I just got here because of the Journal title  ;D.
Then I noticed that we're practically on the same stage of rebooting.
So keep it up. And most importantly keep that testosterone loaded for better things than P.

AmeanMachine said:

I just got here because of the Journal title  ;D.
Then I noticed that we're practically on the same stage of rebooting.
So keep it up. And most importantly keep that testosterone loaded for better things than P.

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I'm definitely keeping my testosterone locked and loaded for the real deal haha

So day 6 is coming to a close. Since i went out drinking last night todays hangover made staying focused a little bit more difficult, and being the idiot I can be when I'm hungover I sat next to 2 very good looking girls at work today. The flirting was fun but probably wasn't my best plan in terms of keeping myself in control. But my streak continues, lets hope it gets easier. I'm guessing probably not lol. I probably won't post again until Monday, going on a trip. Wish me luck as I visit the land of all triggers haha

So I'm finally back from my trip, and my urge to PMO is much stronger than I anticipated. I'm hungover, dehydrated, both physically and emotionally exhausted, and its making it a lot harder to fight the urge. Not to mention the stress I'm dealing with having class just starting and also having no idea whether or not my job is actually going to work around my school schedule. So yeah, life is less than stellar right now and PMO is sort of my fall back stress relief. I guess its time to find a better way to cope. But also DAY 10 WOOOOOOH!

Frustrated Gamer,

Don't give up man. I'm around the day 10 mark as well. I know it's difficult, but keep fighting!  Your story has been encouraging.

cknfella said:

Frustrated Gamer,

Don't give up man. I'm around the day 10 mark as well. I know it's difficult, but keep fighting!  Your story has been encouraging.

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Thanks man, that means a lot, but i wouldn't be so encouraged just yet. I've had a minor set back. Not really in the mood to get into it, but we're back at day 0. I'll elaborate more when I feel less discouraged. Just to be clear though, this is NOT a surrender, its only a slight set back. I have identified some clear and strong triggers I can now avoid. Also if anyone is interested, I'm definitely in need of an accounabilibuddy, it would have helped a lot today. Anyways keep fighting everyone, I'll be back in the trenches shortly.

So its finally morning, and I've actually become a bit more composed. Last night was the culmination of my own worst case scenario of triggers. With the physical and psychological agony I was in, I took refuge in my old fall back. Not porn, just intense fantasy. It seemed like it was the only way to cope at the time, but it was one hell of a slippery slope. The fantasy was maintained throughout the day because of my ridiculous rationalization that it wasn't as bad as full PMO, and I'd be able to resist. I was so totally wrong. I still believe there's nothing wrong with a little fantasy, but doing it all day as a coping mechanism was an immeasurably poor decision. Actually, I think I can measure it, it was a 10 days poor decision, and not one I'll be making again. I think I had the same problem with my previous attempts at this, but I never recognized it until now. I'm still really upset with myself, but I learned something, and I'm trying to focus on that part.

So I'm nearing the end of day 1 again, and I feel weirdly discouraged still. My motivation to continue is waxing and waning a lot throughout the day. Theres a girl I work with, and I've been trying to think of her as a broad sort of motivation, like "I if you want to be with a girl like this, than you have to fight and continue." At the same time though, I'm also really really horny and thats not helping. I think its due to the relapse the other night, I always seem to backslide really hard after a relapse which is what always made it so hard to keep going. Yet another lesson learned I guess. Now I just need to find another way around it. Might have a friend over tonight to stop myself, its been a rough couple days.

I'm back! Well actually I never left, just been too discouraged to post again. I have had many failures over the past few months. Apparently I seriously struggle to handle stress without PMO, or at least that's the conclusion I've landed on. I kept telling myself I'd post again once I reached my old streak of 10 days, but coming back and reading my old posts I definitely noticed a few things I tend to forget. Firstly, this place was helping me and I need to stop putting myself down so much. Secondly I need to not come here so much. (Conflicting statements? Absolutely.) Being here helped remind me what I am fighting for, but it also kept reminding me of what I'm fighting against, and constantly focusing on something you're trying to avoid is a quick path to failure.

Enough self deprecating though, its a new day and I'm feeling pretty good. I know I can do this, I just need to believe in myself more. Also I likely wont be posting as much during this new streak unless something of note happens. Basically instead of everyday I expect something more like 2-3 times a week, just to keep my journey up to date for myself and anyone who cares.

I'm Captain F*cking Sunshine, lets get sh*t done.

Good mentality bro...just know we're a whole nation dealing with this shit so your not alone. I myself have been stressed out a lot but the gym or just anything to help keep me busy helps me stay focused. Try to find a hobby and don't be hard on yourself. I myself am trying to start doing yoga to help me cope with stress..good luck on your recovery

Just read your initial post and I felt like I was reading a synopsis of my experience over the last year or so. Just know you're not the only one man. The first week or two is always hard...but you can do it.

mike510 said:

Good mentality bro...just know we're a whole nation dealing with this shit so your not alone. I myself have been stressed out a lot but the gym or just anything to help keep me busy helps me stay focused. Try to find a hobby and don't be hard on yourself. I myself am trying to start doing yoga to help me cope with stress..good luck on your recovery

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cmcgos92 said:

Just read your initial post and I felt like I was reading a synopsis of my experience over the last year or so. Just know you're not the only one man. The first week or two is always hard...but you can do it.

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Thanks guys, its always good to be reminded I'm not alone in this. Just finishing out day 1, and I'm feeling alright. I just went back to work though, so I'm already anticipating a struggle being there. Hopefully I'll find the motivation to stay strong, I'm definitely gonna need it. I guess I can refer to my own posts as well as others for some help with that.

So I'm nearing the end of yet another Day 3. My streaks seem to continually be less impressive haha. I made it 5 days last week, and then fell into my own classic mistake, a hangover. That so far is the single biggest obstacle I continually run into. No matter how long its been, it seems that I always give in after a night of drinking. That is a new goal for me, I need to learn how to stay strong when I feel my weakest. Overall despite my lack of a significant streak I still feel as though I'm learning something about myself throughout this process and getting a bit better. Its a new year and I have a somewhat renewed sense of self and purpose. I'm not calling this a new years resolution, because fuck that, this is just me knowing what I want and learning how to get it. Good luck to everyone else who is out there in this situation along side me, it sucks right now but I actually believe it will be better soon....because it cant get much worse.