Reboot Journal - 31yo married w/son

rebootrapp

Active Member
I've been PMOing since I don't know when, at least 13 years, because it's been the whole time I've been with my wife, but before then too.

My wife is a beautiful woman, an amazing friend and mother, and is super fun to hang with. Shes just as big a nerd as I am, she's got a quick wit, and sharp as a tack. She's been my best friend since we started dating, and I've relied on her as my anchor forever now.

I've always thought that watching porn was normal for guys, I've always done it, every guy I know well enough to talk about that stuff does too. It's just what we do, right? Anyway, my wife has never been okay with it, so I lied and hid my habit. I'm better with computers and stuff so it should be easy to get away with it forever, right?

So over the years she's caught me numerous times. She's seen a tab open on my phone once, actually caught me watching it straight up once. Every time it raises a big fight, and every time we both end up pissed. Her for the obvious reasons, and me for getting caught mostly.

A few years back she compromised, she said as long as I stopped watching internet porn and we bought some DVDs she could live with that, at least the history wouldn't be out there for people to dig up if they wanted. She did a boudoir photo shoot, really laid herself bare to try and give me alternatives to the streaming. I stopped online porn for a while, but it always dragged me back.

Last year, I don't remember how she caught me, but she made it clear that to her it was cheating, not substantively any different than actually stepping out on her. This was a huge shock to me, if she had told me watched porn all day while I was at work I'd have been turned on, but she thought it was cheating? Really? Cheating?

I chewed on that for a while, and really tried to buckle down. I used a video of us rather than other girls for a solid 2-3 weeks, but after a decade of porn use, I was used to new stuff all the time. And I really only watched videos with stuff that she won't do in them, so after a while I couldn't use it anymore. And I remember feeling really shitty about it, like well, here we go again. I knew what would happen, but couldn't stop myself from going to the old standby, and I'll tell ya, the guy in the reflection while the video loaded was a pretty pathetic looking dude.

So fast forward to last Saturday, 8 days ago. I'm in the bathroom on my phone, not intending to PMO at all. I tried watching some music video on YouTube but it wouldn't load right, so I said screw it and pulled up a porn vid. Still didn't intend on MOing, but was bored, so screw it. As its loading, and unbeknownst to me, my wife had plugged in a Bluetooth speaker we have to start charging, and my phone synced up with it. He video starts and she hears it. I thought had turned the video all the way down, so when I saw the video controls pop up and the volume slider start moving on its own, I knew I was screwed. I was supposed to have a good night, with family coming down a little later. And now it was all gonna be fucked. And it was. She didn't raise a stink when my family was at the house, but it wasn't a fun night once they left.

The next morning she broke it down. It's us or the porn, there isn't room in my life for this crap anymore, and I'll take your son and leave if you don't stop.

I had no doubt in that moment that she meant every word. She loves me. I love her. But I've burned her time after time after time with this for our entire relationship, and understandably she's had enough of the lying, the betrayal, and the pain.

So I again promised to stop, and that night we did some searching, and learned of porn addiction. She found this site a few days later. She's been great since then, trying to be there for me, being my cheerleader in a way, as the future of our family depends on it.

So I'm at day 8 now. No PMO at all since then. We made love on nights two and three, and the morning of day 4 I wanted to watch our own video so damn bad, but didn't. Ive had literally zero desire to watch P.

I may or may not have some mild PIED symptoms, she thinks I do. I'm not sure. I think that the times I couldn't get it up for her were because I had probably just PMOd an hour before and wasn't ready to go again yet. But anyway, yesterday we made out in bed and just laid together for a little while, and he was up and ready, so that was relieving. I'd gone since day 4 without an erection at all, was nice to know I still get them. I haven't had morning wood in a while, so something is up for sure. She's probably right. Ha.

Anyway, thanks for making it this far if you did, hopefully we can all help each other through this crap and become the men we always thought we were in the first place. I'm committed to my wife, my son, my marriage, my family, and can't mess this up again. She seems to understand that a relapse is likely, as long as I get back on track and keep moving she'd be okay. For once I'd like to surpass her expectations and do this right the "first" time, even though it's actually my bazillionth time trying to quit already.  I've never had her as a partner for help, I never knew that porn addiction was a real thing, and I never had a community like this to help before, I feel great so far. I feel like it could actually work this time. I'm realistic enough to know that I'll have some terrible days, though I haven't yet. I've got enough to hobbies and books that I can find something else to do when the urge really hits.

Thanks again for reading guys. I'll update every few days or so, or when something notable happens.





 
Hey bud I think finding a community of people to share with is important. I've been a part of addition recovery for a couple of years and the program preaches having a sponsor and folks to share with is a essential part of recovery. While I usually share my thoughts I tend to hold back a bit and am finally trying to find a direct support group. Let me know if there is anyway I can help ya bud.
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
The last few days have been alright.

Two nights ago my wife and I made love, and it was great overall. We were kissing and stuff for a long time, and then we had to take a break to shower, I got in with her and we kept kissing and stuff in there. After she got out and I actually washed up, the boys turned mighty blue, at that point it was a week since I had an O, and that's the longest I've gone in forever. Anyway, I got super nervous about not being able to perform, I was in a good amount of discomfort. Everything turned out okay, but I spent a good amount of my mental process worrying about not being able to O and the effect that may have on her psyche rather than enjoying it.

Yesterday was great, no urges, no temptations. Good day.

Today I noticed a couple links at the bottom of Fox News' website about an actress being topless in some movie, and at the store I saw another actress on the cover of Cosmo. I didn't click it or open the mag, but felt my blood rush a little and myself get excited and felt guilty about it. I'm trying to stay away from as much as I can to break the neural connections as quick as I can.  No urge for P at all, so that's a positive anyway.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
rebootrapp you're doing well, good to know your boner is working fine. Just don't let slip in the direction of P and you will have such a fulfilling life. Good luck
 

Maxime

Active Member
Yes, good job so far! I recognize myself in a lot of this.
I don't like being concerned about performance or even just being hard enough because of said concerns, but I prefer that rather than worrying I won't get hard because I've been watching P.
Keep going, you're in the right direction!
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
Today was a great day as far as P urges are concerned.

My wife questioned me about what genres I had explored, it was very uncomfortable. She's just trying to wrap her mind around it I guess, I was honest with her. I hadn't gotten into anything beyond what's on the big tube site, but still not easy telling her some of it. She seems to be handling it well so far, maybe she's just glad to have it laid bare.

We went out today to the library, and there was a woman working there in leggings that I couldn't stop looking at whenever she walked by. I noticed this eventually and forced myself to look away whenever she came into view, so I'm still struggling with this. The magazine rack at the grocery store I saw but avoided as I knew there would be half naked women plastered on half of the covers.

What a fight it is, huh? I think most guys will check out a good looking girl when she walks by, but I'm also not sure that that isn't my mind justifying it to myself, so I'm trying to stop. Ugh.
 
I was driving into the gas station today and found myself doing the same as you... Forcing a particular view direction to avoid starting down thought tracks which would lead to edging. Great job bud. This fight is better fought with multiple folks working together.

Good luck bud, keep having those honest conversations with your wife. Just keep them at her pace and don't push her.
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
Pretty good day around here.

I was checking the Drudge Report earlier today and they had a picture of a playboy cover right up there, which is super annoying. Here I'm trying to avoid P in all forms, and it's right there on a news site.
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
Today was going great until we watched a TV show where the husband lied to his wife about something pretty stupid, but lied anyway. That was it for the night, what was a great day is now shot.

I hate this. I hate that I caused this. Dammit.
 
Try and just be patient and work through this with your wife. It is hard for both of ya. Just keep your eye on your long term goal. It sucks to hear y'all are having such a hard time with your recovery.
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
Thanks brother.

Today was better. Going to mass helped us both, she's agnostic so she doesn't usually go. I don't either, but I always want to go more. Anyway, we finally went today and the Deacon's homily sounded like he was talking right to us a few times.

Here's hoping that the next few days keep up like today, that'd be awesome.
 

pinkerton

Well-Known Member
"Going great til we watched a tv show where the husband lied"  Been there before. It took my wife a year before those things quit ruining her day (and therefore mine). Don't watch Aladdin :)
Great that she went to mass with you. And you're doing well keep it up
 
It's good to hear both of you are finding more out of life. Sometimes that doesn't always mean happy or easy things to hear, sometimes it is simply important things to hear. Keep it up.
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
Not much going on today. Had work, grilled hot dogs for dinner. Haven't had them since last summer. Holy crap they're good.

I wouldn't say Ive had any P urges lately, but I've had images flashing through my brain for the last few days. It was worse on Sunday than today.

No morning wood yet. But whenever my wife and I start really heavy kissing, or certainly if we let our hands explore, everything works as planned. When we had sex she said it was a fuller erection than I've had in a while. So at least I've got that. Still not back to normal. But I do feel good, just a shade over 2 weeks in.
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
It's been a good couple days. I'm still not having P urges. I am still seeing women in little clothing/bathing suits online though. I'm not seeking it out, but you can't go on the web anymore without it just showing up in ads or something. I'm not really fearful of a relapse from those images at the moment though, as they've yet to trigger any to this point.

My wife and I had sex last night, so I've not even thought of P today other than to recognize I'm not wanting P anymore. I'll take it!

We've got another counseling appointment tomorrow. Hopefully it well, I think we're doing well. I'm not automatically tense when I walk through the door when I get home from work, and she smiles at me when I do.

Here's to a few more good days!
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
Hey guys,

Today was a good day P urge wise. I fantasized about my wife while I was at work, which was awesome. I had a random boner today at some point, still no morning wood though.

We had a counseling session tonight. She can't believe that I don't picture chicks from P vids while we're making love. I understand that, but she's an incredibly sexy woman herself, I've never had to picture other women to O with her when we're together. There have been times when I've wanted her to do things that she was not willing to do, and sometimes I've lost my erection from that, but not from her not being good looking enough. It's really hard to explain that to her, I've tried. I tried again in the car on the way home, I think she started to get it. We'll see.
 

rebootrapp

Active Member
Had a pretty big urge today, not for P, but definitely for a P sub. Saw an article that said that one of the Hollywood actresses I think is gorgeous has been topless in some movie. I wanted to google search the images pretty bad. I've resisted thus far. Going to read a book, hopefully get my mind off of it.

Other than that things have been going well. My wife and I have had sex the last couple nights and it's been fantastic, even went twice one night.

Still without morning wood, but it's working when it counts.
 
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