AnonymousAnnaXO
Active Member
So I have been on this site for a while, and have thought about making a journal a number of times, but fear always stopped me. Fear of others making negative comments and fear of me discovering my true feelings about things. So since the first post is a way to get to know who I am and where I am in recovery, here goes nothing.
I am a recovering anorexic (hence the journal title) and I've been in recovery on and off for three years, and been anorexic since high school. I'm 22 and have been restricting since age 15 or 16 to my awareness. I've always had bad body image even though I have an hour glass figure. A girl friend of mine once told me "Guys will only like you for your body" in middle school and that fed my anorexia and drive to be thin.
I met my PA, who I'll call Cody, over a year ago. He has been the best thing to have happen to me. Seriously the love of my life. I met Cody after a bad chapter in my life. I used to go to school in georgia, where I ended up getting sexually assaulted by a classmate my freshman year, raped my boyfriend of the time in my sophomore year, and my junior year got raped by a guy I had been dating for a while. (I would appreciate no comment on my choices in men, I never would have guessed any of that would have happened when I knew them). Anyways, so those trauma's deeply and profoundly affected me and changed me. Also made the anorexia really bad at times. I figured all I was worth is sex because of my body and knowing guys liked it. I thought a lot about being an escort or going into prostitution though I never did, just I figured that's what I was worth.
Meeting Cody on 6/6/15 was the day that changed my life. I told him right out about my trauma's and my anorexia and gave him plenty of "outs" in case he couldn't deal with me and my issues because a lot of guys in the past bailed on me. I also mentioned week one of meeting I couldn't have porn in a relationship because of my anorexia and that I would relapse.
He obviously said he would stop and it wouldn't be an issue. Of course it was an issue. So I found out about four months ago, so a little over a year of being with him. This of course was after we signed a year lease together and got a kitten together. I felt very... manipulated. I felt like I was trapped and couldn't leave because we signed a lease.
I love him, I am supportive of him, and he is four months porn free and I couldn't be more proud. I've helped educate him on porn and the harmful effects. He never had PIED. Though I could always tell something was off with sex. Intimacy was off at times and then it was so close.
So since finding out I've been an emotional wreck. I already had PTSD from my trauma's that I worked through but now I have PTSD from this. I am a freaking mess. I am triggered so much. I have restricted at times. I've basically made sure to take care of him and help him. He also has been trying to help me.
The worst part of this is that he feels guilty, disgusted, and ashamed and feels like he doesn't deserve me because of how amazing I've been to him. I truly have done everything for him. I got him a great job at my parents company. I got him to go back to school and actually do well, which was something he was insecure about. Ever since he has given up porn his life has gotten so much better in every way, and I am so happy to see him do well in every area of his life.
The thing is he feels like he can't marry me now, which we've talked about. He feels he has to be worthy of me or something and that has been a real sensitive topic for me. After my trauma's I gave up on a normal life of a husband kids and house with a dog. He wants to marry me but feels like he can't ask until I'm better. We found the ring, he knows how much he has to save, but he just worries that he isn't good enough for me anymore. That couldn't be further from the truth! I love him so much and want to see him succeed in every part of life even though he has hurt me so much. He also feels like he can't recognize the person he used to be and the things he did (when I would beg/ask him not to). He doesn't recognize that as who he is.
I know the damage porn can do in relationships by my own experience and reading of others experiences. I hate seeing the harm it's done and I can only hope that everyone can heal from this sad addiction. So I will continue posting here about my experience in recovery, and helping Cody through his.
Thanks for taking the time to read
I am a recovering anorexic (hence the journal title) and I've been in recovery on and off for three years, and been anorexic since high school. I'm 22 and have been restricting since age 15 or 16 to my awareness. I've always had bad body image even though I have an hour glass figure. A girl friend of mine once told me "Guys will only like you for your body" in middle school and that fed my anorexia and drive to be thin.
I met my PA, who I'll call Cody, over a year ago. He has been the best thing to have happen to me. Seriously the love of my life. I met Cody after a bad chapter in my life. I used to go to school in georgia, where I ended up getting sexually assaulted by a classmate my freshman year, raped my boyfriend of the time in my sophomore year, and my junior year got raped by a guy I had been dating for a while. (I would appreciate no comment on my choices in men, I never would have guessed any of that would have happened when I knew them). Anyways, so those trauma's deeply and profoundly affected me and changed me. Also made the anorexia really bad at times. I figured all I was worth is sex because of my body and knowing guys liked it. I thought a lot about being an escort or going into prostitution though I never did, just I figured that's what I was worth.
Meeting Cody on 6/6/15 was the day that changed my life. I told him right out about my trauma's and my anorexia and gave him plenty of "outs" in case he couldn't deal with me and my issues because a lot of guys in the past bailed on me. I also mentioned week one of meeting I couldn't have porn in a relationship because of my anorexia and that I would relapse.
He obviously said he would stop and it wouldn't be an issue. Of course it was an issue. So I found out about four months ago, so a little over a year of being with him. This of course was after we signed a year lease together and got a kitten together. I felt very... manipulated. I felt like I was trapped and couldn't leave because we signed a lease.
I love him, I am supportive of him, and he is four months porn free and I couldn't be more proud. I've helped educate him on porn and the harmful effects. He never had PIED. Though I could always tell something was off with sex. Intimacy was off at times and then it was so close.
So since finding out I've been an emotional wreck. I already had PTSD from my trauma's that I worked through but now I have PTSD from this. I am a freaking mess. I am triggered so much. I have restricted at times. I've basically made sure to take care of him and help him. He also has been trying to help me.
The worst part of this is that he feels guilty, disgusted, and ashamed and feels like he doesn't deserve me because of how amazing I've been to him. I truly have done everything for him. I got him a great job at my parents company. I got him to go back to school and actually do well, which was something he was insecure about. Ever since he has given up porn his life has gotten so much better in every way, and I am so happy to see him do well in every area of his life.
The thing is he feels like he can't marry me now, which we've talked about. He feels he has to be worthy of me or something and that has been a real sensitive topic for me. After my trauma's I gave up on a normal life of a husband kids and house with a dog. He wants to marry me but feels like he can't ask until I'm better. We found the ring, he knows how much he has to save, but he just worries that he isn't good enough for me anymore. That couldn't be further from the truth! I love him so much and want to see him succeed in every part of life even though he has hurt me so much. He also feels like he can't recognize the person he used to be and the things he did (when I would beg/ask him not to). He doesn't recognize that as who he is.
I know the damage porn can do in relationships by my own experience and reading of others experiences. I hate seeing the harm it's done and I can only hope that everyone can heal from this sad addiction. So I will continue posting here about my experience in recovery, and helping Cody through his.
Thanks for taking the time to read