Hi guys,
I'm Mike, 33 and after searching without any success for a solution on the internet I have found what hopefully would be a possible explanation to my recent problem.
Basically in the last 6 years I had many failures in life because I have struggled to learn new things but at this date without success.
I have to highlight the major issues in my life before laying out the main problem.
I grew up almost alone because my family had split up. My father left us when I was 3, my mother left when I was 16. It was difficult not having anyone close who actually cared for my future. I ended up leaving with my relatives and by miracle finished an university all by myself.
After graduating I had to leave my country for a brighter life. The new life was however very difficult because everything was new, people are very cold, there is the language barrier and so on.
After 6 months of feeling useless I have found a job but I had to leave again the country as per the job requirements. After 3 years of travelling alone I had finally came home because the depression was too much.
After this period I got interested about treading stocks. Being stubborn I have learned everything I could. Of course on the long term I have lost everything. But mostly I have lost time. 2 years wasted in a war that cannot be won by yourself.
After these 2 years I have discovered crypto currency trading. 2 more years have passed, became an expert in the field but as before nothing matters because everyone tries to stab you in the long term. Lost everything again and 2 more years of life.
Tried to learn programming (c++/java), got to above average level, never made anything worthwhile, lost 1 year on a skill I already forgot.
Tried to learn HTML and CSS to make websites, never made anything because I lack on creativity.
Tried to learn all the skills of a handyman, although now I am skilled in all major power tools I feel that they cannot change my life.
My actual job is a dead end, without any possible future or satisfaction. I go to work with horror and my daily target is to "survive" and nothing more. I can't change it even though I tried. I have many skills but none professional. So depressed here also.
Since childhood I have grown up with porn, internet, I knew many websites, extreme or not, I had a good knowledge of some very strange things.
Recently I had an operation because of phimosis, left a scar more mentally than phisical. And now the problem starts.
I believe that the trading dependency has somehow remapped my brain. I used to be happy when I made 1 or 2% and woke up many times to check my phone.
Recently I find it very difficult to actually feel anything. I no longer see real girls/women as ... beautiful or sexy. I see them as people and nothing more. I can't feel anything, happiness or sadness. I love more now to sleep than doing anything else. I also do not masturbate anymore. I did it some times to check if it still works and it does.
Also, by checking the videos on this website to understand what type of problem I have I can say that:
- I don't feel any sexual desire
- I can't masturbate without porn. And every time more ...strange porn than one year back for example.
- I cannot have normal intercourses. As soon as I try to penetrate it goes turtle neck limp. It goes hard on BJ or anything else but not normal sex.
- I do not feel desire or wanting to have sex but since I cannot masturbate without porn I think it is not performance anxiety.
So I think my brain got so much damaged that I don't know how to exit this problem.
Since 03/02/2019 I have taken the following desperate changes in my life:
1. Deleted all my trading apps on my phone and on my pc
2. Deleted all my other apps that was giving me temporary happyness (9gag for example is very addictive)
3. Got the phone contact of a shrink and will call it in the next days.
4. Absolutely no more porn.
I hope to be healthy again because I am really scared of this new problem that I never thought of finding myself into.
Wish you well guys, will revert back with progress if any occurs.
I'm Mike, 33 and after searching without any success for a solution on the internet I have found what hopefully would be a possible explanation to my recent problem.
Basically in the last 6 years I had many failures in life because I have struggled to learn new things but at this date without success.
I have to highlight the major issues in my life before laying out the main problem.
I grew up almost alone because my family had split up. My father left us when I was 3, my mother left when I was 16. It was difficult not having anyone close who actually cared for my future. I ended up leaving with my relatives and by miracle finished an university all by myself.
After graduating I had to leave my country for a brighter life. The new life was however very difficult because everything was new, people are very cold, there is the language barrier and so on.
After 6 months of feeling useless I have found a job but I had to leave again the country as per the job requirements. After 3 years of travelling alone I had finally came home because the depression was too much.
After this period I got interested about treading stocks. Being stubborn I have learned everything I could. Of course on the long term I have lost everything. But mostly I have lost time. 2 years wasted in a war that cannot be won by yourself.
After these 2 years I have discovered crypto currency trading. 2 more years have passed, became an expert in the field but as before nothing matters because everyone tries to stab you in the long term. Lost everything again and 2 more years of life.
Tried to learn programming (c++/java), got to above average level, never made anything worthwhile, lost 1 year on a skill I already forgot.
Tried to learn HTML and CSS to make websites, never made anything because I lack on creativity.
Tried to learn all the skills of a handyman, although now I am skilled in all major power tools I feel that they cannot change my life.
My actual job is a dead end, without any possible future or satisfaction. I go to work with horror and my daily target is to "survive" and nothing more. I can't change it even though I tried. I have many skills but none professional. So depressed here also.
Since childhood I have grown up with porn, internet, I knew many websites, extreme or not, I had a good knowledge of some very strange things.
Recently I had an operation because of phimosis, left a scar more mentally than phisical. And now the problem starts.
I believe that the trading dependency has somehow remapped my brain. I used to be happy when I made 1 or 2% and woke up many times to check my phone.
Recently I find it very difficult to actually feel anything. I no longer see real girls/women as ... beautiful or sexy. I see them as people and nothing more. I can't feel anything, happiness or sadness. I love more now to sleep than doing anything else. I also do not masturbate anymore. I did it some times to check if it still works and it does.
Also, by checking the videos on this website to understand what type of problem I have I can say that:
- I don't feel any sexual desire
- I can't masturbate without porn. And every time more ...strange porn than one year back for example.
- I cannot have normal intercourses. As soon as I try to penetrate it goes turtle neck limp. It goes hard on BJ or anything else but not normal sex.
- I do not feel desire or wanting to have sex but since I cannot masturbate without porn I think it is not performance anxiety.
So I think my brain got so much damaged that I don't know how to exit this problem.
Since 03/02/2019 I have taken the following desperate changes in my life:
1. Deleted all my trading apps on my phone and on my pc
2. Deleted all my other apps that was giving me temporary happyness (9gag for example is very addictive)
3. Got the phone contact of a shrink and will call it in the next days.
4. Absolutely no more porn.
I hope to be healthy again because I am really scared of this new problem that I never thought of finding myself into.
Wish you well guys, will revert back with progress if any occurs.