Tommy's Journal

Dharmabum

Active Member
It's 6am and I've been wide awake since 4a.  My wife - who forgave an admission of porn addiction years ago , discovered my online Facebook flirtations with a few female friends.  Innocent enough on their part, but incriminating on mine because I was trying to create intrigue around my addiction triggers. 

She no longer trusts me and we're starting over from zero.  I can't ask her to go through this again, and I've got this one chance to prove myself, that I'm sincere, that I'm an open book, that I can be trusted, and that, this time, i will take her along on my journey of recovery rather than hide the real progress and the very real backsliding I've been experiencing since the last time. 

I tried to do it alone.  I can't.  I need a community.  I need my friends' help.  I need the discipline to walk away from what does not serve me.  I need my family - my wife and children - to have a husband and father who is worthy of their love and trust. 

I'm a mess right now.  Lonely, scared, sleepless, and ashamed.  Yet, i see this as my chance to truly begin recovery anew and maybe get it right this time. 

I appreciate any thoughts, support, wisdom, guidance you can offer. 
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Good for you!  As you take this on you will realize just how much your wife loves you by you bringing her along on the journey.  Be prepared for a wild roller coaster ride of emotions.  Read our women journals and read the articles we reference.  You might save some of the thoughts and let her read them.  When I started this journey with my husband, I would select certain text and then print it off.  I will suggest that the two of you read everything in this blog, especially the tabs at the top.  The archives have some amazing help as well.

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/

I hope you do well in your recovery.  My husband and I have worked through this together.  And I have to say we are closer than we have ever been!  As the line from the movie says, "I got one of the good ones."  It can be done.

PS Not indicating that anyone here on the forum is a bad one.
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Thank you, Gracie.  I was up at 4:30 this AM writing a bit of a manifesto for my wife, a list of the things I recognize I need to do to give her the opportunity to trust me again.  It's the kind of list you'd imagine a parent setting up for a delinquent teenager, and I hate that, but that's where we are right now.  I just don't want her feeling like she has to parent me, so I need to step up and really earn her trust and be accountable on all fronts so she doesn't feel like, on top of the hurt I've caused, she also has to keep tabs on me at all times. 

The internet has made it so easy to wander into the darkness and then cover your tracks.  For people like me, that's a real trap.  We are going to talk later about the list of things I've recommended, and I am eager to hear her thoughts and get to work getting better as a couple.  But first, I really have to do the work myself, and for real this time.  I can't quit a program because I "feel better" or "We're doing better."  I kinda have to see this as a lifetime commitment, and one that will keep me transparent and aware of my better choices at all times.

thanks again for your kind words and guidance.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Welcome Tommy. Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to do what you just did. So you've started your journey with honesty and integrity. We all share in your pain and suffering brother so keep posting. No one is going to judge you. Like our fellow members, I look forward to following your journey and, when asked, sharing my experiences. You wrote:

"I'm a mess right now.  Lonely, scared, sleepless, and ashamed.  Yet, I see this as my chance to truly begin recovery anew and maybe get it right this time. I appreciate any thoughts, support, wisdom, guidance you can offer."

This is exactly where I was one year ago when I contemplated suicide because of porn and masturbation to orgasm (referred on this website as 'PMO'). I started my journey when I hit rock bottom and really had nowhere to go but up. I'm in a much better place now. My entire story is available on my thread but I'll give you a short version: married, divorcing my wife, father of 3, closeted gay but now out. My porn habit was roughly 20 years but really reached the level of addiction for about the last 12 years. Here are some steps that I wish someone had given me when starting my journey:

1. Set reasonable goals: You have to decide whether you want to go all in like I did and determine porn (or PMO) is not an option forever, or if you'd like to set smaller goals at the outset. Once you have set a reasonable goal, get a counter (by clicking on another member's counter at the bottom of their posts). If you feel ready, share your goal with your wife and post daily here.

2. Forgive yourself: Easier said than done. This is an addiction/disease over which you have no control. From a purely neurological standpoint, porn is more addictive than meth or cocaine. So you should start by forgiving yourself and understanding you are an addict not because of any moral handicap or failing, but simply because your brain is seriously f*cking with you.

3. Learn Everything You Can: Make no mistake, this is a battle. So arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. It helped me to learn that porn addiction is more about brain chemistry than sin, it more neurological than a moral failing, and lots of other people suffer from it. In the initial stages of recovery, knowledge is power. Feeling guilty because you can't control this addiction will only lead you to PMO again. Learning to separate your frontal lobe's emotions (like guilt and shame for example) from the addiction in your brain's pleasure centre is a difficult and yet necessary first step to winning this war. I'd recommend reading "Your Brain on Porn" an e-book about our addiction.

4. Accept this is really going to suck: This is going to be the fight of your life. It's not going to be easy. You have to accept and, on some level, love the pain of withdrawal...and yes you'll probably experience heavy withdrawal. This is where the Reboot community really helped me. Understand that while it sucks, you are not alone.

I hope that helps brother. Keep posting with your progress and stay strong. Porn is not an option!




 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Lyon3,

Thank you so much.  Your advice is VERY helpful, especially those last two points.  Guilt and shame are so tangled up in this addiction, it only causes cyclical behaviors.  It's about breaking free, not going 'round in circles.

And, yes, it's really gonna suck for awhile.  I get that.  But it's gonna suck worse if I don't do something effective to change the way my brain behaves when I'm stressed, lonely, or aroused.  I've got the tools?I just need to stay the course.  A tall order, but right now, i don't feel like much of a hero to my wife and kids.  I want to earn that back.  So, the pain of not being the husband/dad they need is worse than the pain of missing out on some unquenchable thrills.    thank you - i'll look forward to staying in touch with you on here. 
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
I went to my first SLAA meeting in over 3 years yesterday.  My previous attempt(s) have resulted in me telling myself I wasn't nearly as bad off as most of the people in the meetings, as my addictions were merely porn and fantasy and didn't involve so much acting out that directly involved others, illegal activities, etc.  But a friend of mine told me this week - a friend in recovery - that the key word to put in that sentence is "yet."  "I'm not as bad off as most of those people?yet."  Which is what recovery is for. 

Besides, who am I to say that the activities I engage in are any less harmful to my marriage, my friendships, other women, my kids, my work, my mind and spirit, than those who go out seeking commercial sex or other more daring ventures?  If I'm suffering, I need help.  If I'm hurting my marriage, I need help.  Whether you're in the emergency room for a broken nose or a major stroke, you're still in the ER, and you still need to be treated to heal.

So, I'm going to keep going each week.  I'm going to get a sponsor this time, to hold me even more accountable.  I'm going to keep coming here to journal, and not get too hung up on whether people respond to my posts or not.  I actually got pouty last time I posted on here (a few months ago) and didn't get a lot of engagement.  This time, I asked myself, "what encouragement did you give others on here?"  Very little.  i was too focused on myself.  This time, I promise to try to be a support system for others, with encouraging words and any insights from my own experience I can bring to the conversation that might help others on their journey. 

I'm here.  And this time I'd very much like to say I'm not going anywhere. 

Thanks for letting me share this, everyone.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Well done. I'd recommend checking out www.pornaddictsanonymous.org. It's a 12-step program specifically tailored to people with our addiction. They have sponsors and weekly Skype meetings. It may be a better fit than the current group you're in. But I do want to congratulate you on three major steps in recovery: first, you have acknowledged you're no better than anyone else battling addiction. This humility is a very big component of recovery. Second, you want to take active steps to recover. This is important because just being PMO-free isn't enough I find. You have to build a better life to make porn obsolete. Third, you recognized the self-centredness that leads to addiction. You're on the right track. Good luck brother. You now have a new fan in me! Stay strong. Porn is not an option.
 

savingmysoul

Active Member
Hey There Tommy,

Welcome to the Nation.

I am 45, married to an incredible woman and have two wonderful kids.  My wife had her DDay on the 31st of December 2013 - I blew up her world - this wasn't the first time she had caught me either.  I had spent the past decade lying right to my wife's face, and betraying her trust in me.  I have spent almost the past year trying to reconcile what exactly it was that I had become, and how could I do this to my wife, to my family.  I dealt with suicidal thoughts, the shame being too much to shoulder.  How could I not figure this out on my own and not save my wife the pain and horror that her husband had become?

One of the things that Lyon shared - you do need to forgive yourself.  This has been terribly difficult for me, I am not there yet but getting a little closer.  How I could let this happen?  This is a slow process, but critical.  I don't think you can be successful at beating this and help to heal your relationship unless you can start to forgive yourself.

You also hit the mark in one of your last posts - who knows how bad or how far we would have gone if not for getting caught.  What else would we have been capable of doing if this addiction had gone unchecked?  Yes I caused my wife unimaginable pain and horror, but the reality of it is she probably saved my life (and our family) - in many ways.  For all I was doing to her, she has saved me.  More than I deserve, to be sure.   

My wife has continued to find her strength to support me.  And from your posts, it seems that you too have been given that same gift.  I have vowed never to give my wife any reason to regret that decision - not today, not tomorrow, not ever. 

I know I am rambling on here a bit but I guess I am trying to make a longwinded point.  We as addicts, at times, tend to forget what our significant others are forced to deal with.  For whatever the reason, we have thrust our SO into a situation they did not ask for.  You and I can work on our addictions, but for them remember - they more than likely thought the relationship was in a good place.  We, or at least I did, wrecked their world for very very selfish reasons.  And yet, this morning I was able to wake up next to her, and kiss her good bye. 

As we try to earn trust back, as we try to salvage what is left in the embers, we have to understand and be mindful that WE need to be patient with our SO's.  They are struggling to cope with a fear they have never known, confidence is shattered, and due to pain caused by who they thought was their best friend.  They are struggling to find a way to heal. We need to care for them, we need to understand that they will have questions - and they deserve answers, we need to know that this morning everything can be fine and then tonite maybe not so much.  This process will take time - a long time - but we need to be there for them 10 times more than they are there for us.   

When I think of the time I wasted on my children - now they are getting older.  Hanging out with dad isn't high on thier list.  Wasted time, wasted opportunities.

Also, I wanted to reach out to both of you to let you know that there are successes out there.  When my wife and I started really researching this addiction, we came across a number of these sites and it was incredibly disheartening.  The odds were against us, I would fail again - or so it seemed that way so long ago.  I know that we are all different, that we all have our own demons, and we are all struggling to find our way free from the darkness.  I truly believe that we all have the strength within us to be better men, husbands, and fathers.  Even though i am closing in on one year free from PMO - and have no intention of ever going back - I must not forget that I am an addict, and if it lured me in before, it can again.

We can defeat that lure by filling our lives with healthy, positive emotions and activities.  For example, I started cooking with my wife, its quality time together, working on something for the family - not a selfish activity.  I am reading, concentrating on my career - my life has started to fill with wonderfully positive things, the fog is gone - there is no room for any of that crap.  I don't miss it, I don't think about it, I DO NOT WANT IT!  I do believe that each of us can get there - not overnight - it will take time.  We need to stay present, we need to stay engaged.  My wife and I are in a better place today then we were 11 months ago, but we still have a long way to go.  It will take as long as it takes - I am in love with her, and I will help her to be whole again - no matter how long it takes.

I love the idea of your manifesto - that seems like a great way to talk about the issue with your wife.  The fact that she is listening is a gift my friend - I hope you can see it that way.  Also, as you move toward forgiving yourself (and like I said - I see this and struggle to accept it still) the fact that she listening to you today is an idication that she still sees something inside you worth saving. 

Reach out whenever and whereever you can.  Read and research all you can find.  You need to be prepared today to deal with triggers and urges, you cannot wait until you are faced with them.  You need a plan in place.  Journal/blog here and elsewhere - this site has helped me greatly.  Continue to find healthy activities, positive family activities.

We are all here to help, to encourage, to lend a shoulder to cry on - you are here because you want to be a better man, a better husband, a better father.  You can do this.

Much love to you and your wife Tommy, feel the Nation with you, feel the strength within you.

SMS
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Hi SMS,

Wow!  Thanks so much for sharing your story so honestly with me.  It helps to see how similar our journeys are.  Some differences, to be sure, but we seem to have run into some of the same challenges. 

I'm fortunate in that my wife seems to "get" addiction and appreciate how much work is involved.  The biggest disappointment is I'd been caught once before and went through this process (four years ago), but I didn't stay with it.  I got what I deemed as "Better" and then walked away from the Steps, support, therapy, meetings - the whole shebang.  I saw it as a way to convince her and myself that I had done the work and was better.  And I was, for awhile.  But then, the slipping began and I kept trying to fix myself without any support.  I hid from her.  I hid my needs, my slips, and built a wall.

She's kind enough to give me this chance.  She's not withholding affection or treating me like an outcast.  She's giving me every opportunity to win my way back in, to do the work and stay with the program. 

I'm very lucky.  But I don't want that luck to run out.  So, I'm here to stay.  It's the only way. 

I'll do what I can to support everyone else who reaches out as well.  I asked myself how I was going to find the time to go to meetings, write on these forums, etc.  Then I did the math:  an hour of porn a day, a couple of hours each day noodling around on Facebook?I've lost a lot of time.  I can't get it back, but I can embrace the days ahead of me as chances to live in sobriety, live in the present, and prove that I'm capable of living honestly. 

Thanks for the support, SMS.  Look forward to this journey together.  And congratulations on being so close to your one year mark.  That's HUGE! 
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Something I wasn't expecting happened yesterday that really gave me hope.  I guess it was around August, right before our 20th wedding anniversary, that I started to panic about sex again.  While I've been surfing porn and flirting on Facebook with female friends, I've remained "faithful" to my wife in regards to never doing anything physical with anyone else.  I know that's not an excuse for the online behavior, though, and that it is just as bad in its own way. 

All this to say, I got nervous about performing with her given our big anniversary was coming up.  It's been an on and off problem in the past.  So, I got in my head and panicked and couldn't perform and put a slight damper on what should've been a wonderful celebration.  We still had a good time, but nevertheless, it was not ideal.  Then, the panic set in and I worried more.  I watched her moods, knowing she would be suspicious.  And to cope, I hid more and went online more and got all tangled up in my addictions. 

Getting caught was the best shot I had at redemption, because my behaviors were cast out into the light. 

Anyway, that sense of feeling like I'm starting over on this journey gave us an opportunity to be intimate together yesterday.  She was open to it and we had a really good experience - perhaps the first truly open and connected sexual encounter since August.  I wasn't afraid, I wasn't "in my head" and I wasn't trying to grasp at some fantasy.  I was just present with my beautiful wife, and she was open to letting us reconnect. 

Here's the damn trick:  Remembering how great THAT felt vs how I believe I feel when I surf through videos.  One is lasting joy and contentment, the other is just a desperate scramble to fill a void that I don't think can ever be filled by such intrigue.  You keep wanting more, until nothing is enough.  That's where I was headed.  I'm grateful I've got this one final chance to get it right.

I'm grateful I can come here at 6:30 in the morning and share this news rather than surf my computer looking for a unsatisfying thrill.

Here's to another good day.  For all of us.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
This is a great post for several reasons. First, sharing an intimate moment with someone you love is one of life's greatest pleasures. I'm so happy for you. Second, you nailed it describing the guilt and shame that feeds porn addiction and kills your natural sexuality (namely erections). Porn addiction is a loop. You watch porn, which makes you feel guilty, so you watch more porn, and feel more guilty. Honesty breaks this vicious cycle. Third, in your last line you confirm the importance of community. By sharing and building on the positives of living PMO-free, you are building a new life rather than just stopping a bad habit. Short but sweet. Well done! Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Lyon,

Thank you for your supportive words, and yes, it's very much a loop.  A vicious cycle, to be more painfully exact. 

When things were going poorly at home, I would look to porn for comfort.  When things were going well, I'd use it as a reward.  It's all about filling the hole that porn pretends to with better things. 

It''s also about being brave enough to admit you're lonely, even in a fairly happy marriage, and that you're isolating yourself, even when you think "social media" makes you social. 

My behaviors are so evident when they are dragged into the light.  When they are hiding in shadows, there are so many angles I can play with them to justify their existence.  Here's to the light.  May it keep shining on all of us so we can truly see ourselves, accept ourselves, and work together to heal ourselves. 

I believe in it this time.  Everything else I've tried has been self-defeating.  I'm feeling ready to be more open about my struggles and give validity to my role as an addict.  So grateful for this chance. 
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Checking in for the morning.  My only observations today are my absolute mystification as to how my wife can be so understanding, and how worried I get when I wake up in the middle of the night.  I wake up and my first thought is one of fear or dread, even though things are going well this first week of sobriety.

I just wake up and my thoughts go to guilt, shame, or worry and I have a hard time getting back to sleep.  But when I wake up for the day, come and share here, or engage with my wife and kids, I am very upbeat and confident that I can do this and that things CAN be okay if I stay on the right path.  It's those night fears that shake me up because they are my subconscious coming out of the dark and tugging at me.  And I know how powerful things that come out of the dark like that can be.  So, I'm working to be vigilant. 

I have an app called RescueTime on my computer that tracks how productive you were during the week by gauging how much time you spent on, say, email and Word documents vs social media and entertainment sites.  You can teach it what is a good use of your time and what is a detriment.  I set all the sites I went to for porn entertainment and all social media sites as "very distracting."  Suffice to say, I used it for a few weeks and then started ignoring the weekly reports when they were telling me that 40% of my work week was being wasted in those distracting places.  This morning I got my first report since I started recovery.  Almost 90% of my time was productive.  And the time that wasn't?  Mostly Amazon.com ordering Christmas gifts.

I see that as pretty huge, so I am celebrating that today. 

I wonder what we could all do if every one of us could reclaim the countless hours we've wasted on sites that don't serve our better nature.  I bet we could collectively build the pyramids, gents.  I bet we could collectively change the f---ing world. 

We still can.  Our world, the world of those we love, and the world of others that suffer. 

Just a thought. 
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Checking in again today, because today has been really, really hard.  Just a lot of reflection time and an opportunity to feel guilty.  I keep reminding myself that I never actually cheated on my wife, but then I ask myself how would I feel if she were doing the things I have been doing.  How would I feel if she were sending all kinds of inconsistent sexual signals?  How would I feel if I wasn't sure if I could trust her online?

Beating myself up doesn't do any good.  I know that just creates opportunities for loneliness and fear to creep in.  I know I need to just be grateful that I still have a marriage, that I am currently doing the work and living the way I should, that I am working toward complete honesty and integrity.  But I just can't help but wish I didn't have this struggle in my life.  I hate having demons.  I never wanted to be that person, and I don't know why I thought I was impervious to them. 

So, the struggle is here.  It's here, and so am I.  I'm still standing.  That's something worth holding onto. 
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Thanks so much for sharing. Like any addiction, porn fogs things up. Once that porn fog lifts, you can clearly see the broken relationships and devastated landscape that is our lives. It takes a lot of courage to write what you did. You're doing the correct thing in seeing your role, rather than blaming your spouse. This is a real breakthrough, albeit a painful one. Keep posting and remember: PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Thanks, Lyon.

It can't be her doing.  I brought this addiction into our relationship 20+ years ago, though it was a seedling at that point.  I've let it grow since then and before I knew it, it was unmanageable.  She's been nothing but supportive.  I mean, she's been angry and hurt, but the last time we went down this road, I became totally codependent on how she was feeling and it inhibited my progress.  I have to accept that she has a right to anything she feels about this at any given moment since I put her in this situation.  And I can't let where she is in her healing process affect where I am in mine. 

For once, I have to be the one "in charge" of our relationship, after years of letting her make all the decisions that mattered most, which was unfair of me as well. 

I have to give her all I have to offer, without smothering her in the process. 

So, yeah, I get it.  It's on me.  The circumstances, the situation, and the future?.

But I'm hopeful.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
I agree. My opinion with regards to addiction/depression is as follows: two people drowning can't save each other. You'll both just drown together. Addicts tend to claw and drag those around them under water in some f*cked up attempt to stay afloat. Once our friends/family start sinking, we then wonder why they cling to us! The addict has to disengage, learn to swim again, regroup, gather strength, climb onto the raft, and only then help those who are also drowning. Whether you dunked your wife or not, you cannot save her when you are drowning because of the addiction. Not sure if that helps but it's the way I see things. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
I went to another SLAA meeting yesterday.  They are much more helpful this time around than a few years ago when I tried and gave up after a few weeks.  I no longer have as much distance between where I am and where a lot of other addicts are.  I regret not working the program four or five years ago when I first had the opportunity, but you can't really live with regret and make this recovery thing work, so I gotta let that go. 

I hope I continue to immerse myself in this process.  that's always a challenge for me, be it recovery or exercise programs or whatever:  I love it when it's shiny and new, but I wander away when I get bored or feel like I have experienced enough of it.  This recovery process, along with other top line behaviors (meditation, exercise, etc) have to be part of an eternal plan, a rest of my life gig. 

One other thing to note is that I am keeping a web blocker on the sites I used to go to that gave me troubles, and that includes Facebook.  Without these outlets, I find that, after visiting this forum, a couple of others like it, and a few news/entertainment or Buddhist webpages, I am just staring at my computer, as if to say, "Where can I go now?"  It's then I realize just how wasteful I've been with my time over the years.  A book doesn't give you this dilemma.  You read it until you're done then you put it away.  A movie is much the same.  But the internet is just a vast chasm of possibilities, and so many of them lead into tunnels that take minutes or hours to climb out of.  Even if you aren't visiting sites harmful to your addiction, it still eats away at a bit of your brain and soul, I think. 

So, I'm trying to learn when I am actually "done" with being on my computer and when I am just mindlessly surfing so I can shut it down sooner than later.  I think, in many ways, I'm as addicted to the internet as an entity as I am to the sites I would visit to stimulate my sexual impulses. 
 
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