Chaos Mind
Active Member
Dear campaigners,
today I want to give this community something back for all the good it has offered to me. That something is a piece of knowledge I have gathered over the years. Since childhood I have always been fascinated about what our brain is able to do - most of it happening without active recognition. The more I learned about this topic, the more I tried out and the more I found suitable ways to gain some control over my own subconsciousness. Hoping it will change your perspective on the conglomerate of "addiction, satisfaction, heteronomy", I'd like to share some ideas and techniques with you. If you have any questions about them, or you want to add your own ideas, please all feel free to discuss it in this thread together!
Technique one - Self-revelation and self-acceptance
The problem: Whenever we feel like we want to change a big part of our life and whenever we feel like there is something we've done incredibly wrong, we should take some time and forgive ourselves. Of course we often need to clean up the mess we've made, like people here need to get things straight after their partners found out, or they struggle really hard with other consequences. But this fight may never lead to us losing faith in ourselves. Who else is going to stay loyal if we ourselves don't? I often heard statements like "If I was to forgive myself, wouldn't that be like an absolution to do it again next time?". The answer is: no, because there is a difference. No cheap trick. And, seriously, I see many people here who need some support - even if it is given by themselves.
The solution: Stay positive without defining down what you did. Formulate a sentence of self-revelation and self-acceptance. This sentence always has the same structure: it starts with "although..." or "even though..." or "even if...", followed by the nature of what bothers you and a statement of self-acceptance. One example could be "Although I struggle with a sever porn addiction, I like myself just the way I am".
The point is, however, that tiny little details can change the whole meaning - subtle or evident - of the sentence! You are asked to try out many different ways of expressing what you feel. Go for "I want to" or "I need to" or "I have to" or "I should"...they've all got a different meaning. "I like myself", "I like what I do", "I like who I am", "I love myself", "I am pleased with myself" ... make your choice until the sentence reaches YOU in particular for 100%. Never link the message of self-acceptance with a condition! You need to learn to love yourself (again) no matter what you did or do. Once you are finished, write the sentence onto a sheet of paper and repeat it whenever you feel like you need some positive energy. First practice reading it. At some point you will now be able to cite it by heart . Say it, feel it. As a last step: talk to yourself while looking into your eyes through a mirror. It is very important that you MEAN what you say. It is not just repeating words, it is accepting the truth of every single letter of it.
Why it works: psychology of acceptance is long considered a valuable tool for raising self esteem. Also, by admitting you have a problem, you are less likely to relapse. It has been found that by accepting a problem, it loses power over your subconscious mind. Just like a monster tends to vanish in your nightmares as soon as you realize the whole setting is not real.
Technique Two - Visualizing
The problem: Some people tend to express such sad statements like "I can't imagine a life without porn". I am certain that the word "imagine" is no coincidence in this case. Since it's easier to visualize things that happen or have happened to us, we like to stick to the familiar world and the familiar scenarios. That can be a problem when your reality is soaked with unwanted behaviour (like excessive porn consumption). It has become such a big part of our lives that we find it hard to imagine a world without. Just like a world without music, candy or television. We get stuck and find ourselves in a bubble where every thought springs from our very mind and can only create images of the world we already live in (and partially suffer from). So you could say: What we experience in our world, influences the images we visualize. Ask a shy person how he imagines talking to a beautiful woman and he'll say "I talk to her and I am let down" - it is the only probable scenario he could think of.
The solution: Good news - the process works in both directions! Not only affect our experiences the way we behave, but also can a strong visualization of an imaginary behavior change the way we perceive our world. Here's the deal: take your time and think about a situation in the past where you now think you reacted wrong. It could be a relapse to porn after any sort of stress trigger or also a different topic that keeps bugging you. It is important that you re-live the situation all over again. How was your state of emotion? What did you feel? What triggered you to do it? Once you have the image clear in front of you, you turn back time as if you were watching your life on DVD. You live the situation again and change some of the details remembered. You felt sad and alone, so you logged onto a racy site? Go back and visualize how you leave the computer behind, say out load "No!" and instead call a friend to meet up and take a walk. Or you put on your sport shoes and go for a run in the park - whatever it is you should/could have done instead. You can even visualize a situation that has never happened but COULD have happened. Visualize yourself in 7 months, how you talk to a girl simply because you like her smile. How you feel the romance without any spoiling pornographic thought. Imagine how good you feel, how positive you are. It's not just a goal - it happens in your mind, so it is real. Visualize your counter on day 89 on a bright sunny day. Visualize how your partner comes back to you because she realized you've been brave and won the fight. Take small steps at the beginning. Practise to retroactively say "no!" to porn. Your emotions will follow to every scenario you picture. Take your time and don't forget the details. Make the thoughts as vivid as you can.
Why it works: W.I. Thomas and D.S. Thomas once formulated one of the most important theories of sociology. They said "If men define situations as real, they ARE real in their consequences". And it is true. "Reality" is a paradoxal contradiction. There is no such thing as an objective truth. Truth is what the majority of people once defined as true. But if you are certain about something, all your actions will be based on the assumption that a special thought of yours mirrors the truth without any doubt. Once you've changed your perception, your reality will follow. What you visualize IS real in your consequences. You might know persons who think they were ugly, so accordingly they appear ugly because their radiation is all self-negative. On the other hand you don't have to be a super model to be pretty...it's enough to act on this assumption. When your subconsciousness starts accepting a new truth you provide, it will change your behaviour siginificantly.
Technique Three - Positive phrasing
The problem: Basically this is very similar to the technique above. We are all aware of how we say the things we think. But did you know that we also think the way we speak? So how could it be of any use saying things like "the heck, I am not going to make it anyway. It did not work the last 3 times, why should it now?" or even pseudo-funny things like "Don't bother - I'm a hopeless case...haha". Why would we ever want to say something that's completely the opposite of our former plans of recovering? It's because we want to spare ourselves the frustration of failing. By forestalling the negative outcome of our project, we aim at reducing the time of suffering. But we also deprive ourselves of the only chance we have. Others however use negative phrases as understatements which are meant to motivate us to continue. This effect is often seen in sports when coaches make the enemy team appear as invincible opponents to get the last piece of fighting spirit out of their own players. But this should be done wisely as there is a good chance of destroying the little spark instead of igniting the big fire.
The solution: Always phrase positively. Let me challenge you! Tell someone what he/she should do and avoid all words of negation. So instead of "Don't be mad at me" you say "please have patience with me". Instead of "I am not good at talking to strangers" you say "I lack of courage to talk to stranger" or even "I am better at talking to familiar persons rather than strangers". You will soon recognize how difficult this is! Some people suggest we should talk like this anytime throughout the day. I say that's crap, because negations are there for a reason and there are some times where positive phrases just are too far away from the intended meaning of your statement. But phrases of central nature to your recovery should always avoid negative words. The old familiar "yes, I can do it!" motivation phrase: it works - believe it or not. But do abandon "I will not watch porn" in favor of "I will live and enjoy a porn-free life".
Why it works: Deep inside we always know what we REALLY mean when saying something. We detect fake-sarcasm in our own words when it was intended in the first place. Our subconsciousness, however, struggles with these tricks. We get into a contradiction between what we say and what we feel. And when we speak negatively, the path is even clearer. And it leads into the wrong direction. You may have heard that subconsciousness cannot process words like "no", "not", "none" etc. That has been disproven, but it stays a difficult task for us and needs some extra ressources...which sometimes we don't have available (just like grumpy people tend to overhear sarcasm). Same as technique two: what we define as real, is real in our consequences. Make some central statements become your new reality. Phrase them positively and enjoy their effect on how you perceive yourself and the things you do.
[to be continued in next post]
today I want to give this community something back for all the good it has offered to me. That something is a piece of knowledge I have gathered over the years. Since childhood I have always been fascinated about what our brain is able to do - most of it happening without active recognition. The more I learned about this topic, the more I tried out and the more I found suitable ways to gain some control over my own subconsciousness. Hoping it will change your perspective on the conglomerate of "addiction, satisfaction, heteronomy", I'd like to share some ideas and techniques with you. If you have any questions about them, or you want to add your own ideas, please all feel free to discuss it in this thread together!
Technique one - Self-revelation and self-acceptance
The problem: Whenever we feel like we want to change a big part of our life and whenever we feel like there is something we've done incredibly wrong, we should take some time and forgive ourselves. Of course we often need to clean up the mess we've made, like people here need to get things straight after their partners found out, or they struggle really hard with other consequences. But this fight may never lead to us losing faith in ourselves. Who else is going to stay loyal if we ourselves don't? I often heard statements like "If I was to forgive myself, wouldn't that be like an absolution to do it again next time?". The answer is: no, because there is a difference. No cheap trick. And, seriously, I see many people here who need some support - even if it is given by themselves.
The solution: Stay positive without defining down what you did. Formulate a sentence of self-revelation and self-acceptance. This sentence always has the same structure: it starts with "although..." or "even though..." or "even if...", followed by the nature of what bothers you and a statement of self-acceptance. One example could be "Although I struggle with a sever porn addiction, I like myself just the way I am".
The point is, however, that tiny little details can change the whole meaning - subtle or evident - of the sentence! You are asked to try out many different ways of expressing what you feel. Go for "I want to" or "I need to" or "I have to" or "I should"...they've all got a different meaning. "I like myself", "I like what I do", "I like who I am", "I love myself", "I am pleased with myself" ... make your choice until the sentence reaches YOU in particular for 100%. Never link the message of self-acceptance with a condition! You need to learn to love yourself (again) no matter what you did or do. Once you are finished, write the sentence onto a sheet of paper and repeat it whenever you feel like you need some positive energy. First practice reading it. At some point you will now be able to cite it by heart . Say it, feel it. As a last step: talk to yourself while looking into your eyes through a mirror. It is very important that you MEAN what you say. It is not just repeating words, it is accepting the truth of every single letter of it.
Why it works: psychology of acceptance is long considered a valuable tool for raising self esteem. Also, by admitting you have a problem, you are less likely to relapse. It has been found that by accepting a problem, it loses power over your subconscious mind. Just like a monster tends to vanish in your nightmares as soon as you realize the whole setting is not real.
Technique Two - Visualizing
The problem: Some people tend to express such sad statements like "I can't imagine a life without porn". I am certain that the word "imagine" is no coincidence in this case. Since it's easier to visualize things that happen or have happened to us, we like to stick to the familiar world and the familiar scenarios. That can be a problem when your reality is soaked with unwanted behaviour (like excessive porn consumption). It has become such a big part of our lives that we find it hard to imagine a world without. Just like a world without music, candy or television. We get stuck and find ourselves in a bubble where every thought springs from our very mind and can only create images of the world we already live in (and partially suffer from). So you could say: What we experience in our world, influences the images we visualize. Ask a shy person how he imagines talking to a beautiful woman and he'll say "I talk to her and I am let down" - it is the only probable scenario he could think of.
The solution: Good news - the process works in both directions! Not only affect our experiences the way we behave, but also can a strong visualization of an imaginary behavior change the way we perceive our world. Here's the deal: take your time and think about a situation in the past where you now think you reacted wrong. It could be a relapse to porn after any sort of stress trigger or also a different topic that keeps bugging you. It is important that you re-live the situation all over again. How was your state of emotion? What did you feel? What triggered you to do it? Once you have the image clear in front of you, you turn back time as if you were watching your life on DVD. You live the situation again and change some of the details remembered. You felt sad and alone, so you logged onto a racy site? Go back and visualize how you leave the computer behind, say out load "No!" and instead call a friend to meet up and take a walk. Or you put on your sport shoes and go for a run in the park - whatever it is you should/could have done instead. You can even visualize a situation that has never happened but COULD have happened. Visualize yourself in 7 months, how you talk to a girl simply because you like her smile. How you feel the romance without any spoiling pornographic thought. Imagine how good you feel, how positive you are. It's not just a goal - it happens in your mind, so it is real. Visualize your counter on day 89 on a bright sunny day. Visualize how your partner comes back to you because she realized you've been brave and won the fight. Take small steps at the beginning. Practise to retroactively say "no!" to porn. Your emotions will follow to every scenario you picture. Take your time and don't forget the details. Make the thoughts as vivid as you can.
Why it works: W.I. Thomas and D.S. Thomas once formulated one of the most important theories of sociology. They said "If men define situations as real, they ARE real in their consequences". And it is true. "Reality" is a paradoxal contradiction. There is no such thing as an objective truth. Truth is what the majority of people once defined as true. But if you are certain about something, all your actions will be based on the assumption that a special thought of yours mirrors the truth without any doubt. Once you've changed your perception, your reality will follow. What you visualize IS real in your consequences. You might know persons who think they were ugly, so accordingly they appear ugly because their radiation is all self-negative. On the other hand you don't have to be a super model to be pretty...it's enough to act on this assumption. When your subconsciousness starts accepting a new truth you provide, it will change your behaviour siginificantly.
Technique Three - Positive phrasing
The problem: Basically this is very similar to the technique above. We are all aware of how we say the things we think. But did you know that we also think the way we speak? So how could it be of any use saying things like "the heck, I am not going to make it anyway. It did not work the last 3 times, why should it now?" or even pseudo-funny things like "Don't bother - I'm a hopeless case...haha". Why would we ever want to say something that's completely the opposite of our former plans of recovering? It's because we want to spare ourselves the frustration of failing. By forestalling the negative outcome of our project, we aim at reducing the time of suffering. But we also deprive ourselves of the only chance we have. Others however use negative phrases as understatements which are meant to motivate us to continue. This effect is often seen in sports when coaches make the enemy team appear as invincible opponents to get the last piece of fighting spirit out of their own players. But this should be done wisely as there is a good chance of destroying the little spark instead of igniting the big fire.
The solution: Always phrase positively. Let me challenge you! Tell someone what he/she should do and avoid all words of negation. So instead of "Don't be mad at me" you say "please have patience with me". Instead of "I am not good at talking to strangers" you say "I lack of courage to talk to stranger" or even "I am better at talking to familiar persons rather than strangers". You will soon recognize how difficult this is! Some people suggest we should talk like this anytime throughout the day. I say that's crap, because negations are there for a reason and there are some times where positive phrases just are too far away from the intended meaning of your statement. But phrases of central nature to your recovery should always avoid negative words. The old familiar "yes, I can do it!" motivation phrase: it works - believe it or not. But do abandon "I will not watch porn" in favor of "I will live and enjoy a porn-free life".
Why it works: Deep inside we always know what we REALLY mean when saying something. We detect fake-sarcasm in our own words when it was intended in the first place. Our subconsciousness, however, struggles with these tricks. We get into a contradiction between what we say and what we feel. And when we speak negatively, the path is even clearer. And it leads into the wrong direction. You may have heard that subconsciousness cannot process words like "no", "not", "none" etc. That has been disproven, but it stays a difficult task for us and needs some extra ressources...which sometimes we don't have available (just like grumpy people tend to overhear sarcasm). Same as technique two: what we define as real, is real in our consequences. Make some central statements become your new reality. Phrase them positively and enjoy their effect on how you perceive yourself and the things you do.
[to be continued in next post]