Like a Phoenix, I have risen from the flames - UPDATE on Relapse...

My Journal:

Thanks for reading. I am just starting this journal and only get a few minutes at a time to work on it. So consider it a work in progress!

About me: I am a 42 year old married dad of two. I think that porn has always been a part of my life. The first time I ever saw a pornographic magazine, I was about 7 years old. I did not really get it then, but the seed was planted. I started playing and having dry orgasms when I was about 10 years old. It was soon after that I connected the two. From then on, I almost always used pornography to masterbate to. (Age 10 was also the age I suffered sexual abuse, more on that in a later post).

When I was 14, I saw my first hard core pornographic material... and I am talking real hard core here. This is stuff I found in my dad's stash. Ever since then, I have sought out hardcore material. Age 14 is also the age I began to have sex with a girlfriend on a regular basis. I continued to use magazines to masterbate to on an almost every day basis. Which is how things stayed until... the internet.

I was married at age 24. Soon after that, I had my first reliable access to the internet. I was working my first real job out of college and was trusted with a computer and unrestricted internet access. I found myself lost for many hours on end, hardly getting any work done, sometimes spending the whole day in chat rooms and searching for porn. It was at this time I first began to search out more and more deviant porn.

Things really fell apart a few years after this when I cheated on my wife for the first time. It was with a prostitute. During the whole event, it didn't even feel real or like it was me (disassociated). Part of my mind was saying this is wrong while a much more powerful voice was saying, shut up I am doing this! I was so shocked by my behavior that I immediately admitted everything to my wife. She was devastated, but she stayed with me. We worked hard for several years both with marriage counseling and individual therapy. I got better for a short time, but it wasn't long before I justified that I could look at porn again, just don't cheat!

Well that didn't last very long. Once I was back into porn I was seeking out affairs. Some of these were long term affairs, some of them were short hookups. But I was constantly looking and maintaining several online relationships at a time. Sometime during this time I began looking at homosexual pornography and started seeking chat relationships with men. This soon lead to sex with men. Each time I had an affair, I was racked with guilt and shame. I was sure I would be caught and I was sure I had contracted a disease. This would lead to a period of abstinence. As the guilt and shame faded, I would be back to the cycle: porn, chat relationships, hookups and affairs.

I was caught a second time about a year ago. I had a one night stand with an old girlfriend and didn't even try to hide it. I guess I wanted to be caught. I was so unhappy with my life (seriously depressed) I thought I needed to be divorced, on my own. I even said that to my wife after I was caught. For some crazy reason, she wanted to stay with me and work things out. Since then I have been mostly sober with some occasional relapses (often going for several months at a time, relapsing for a day or two to porn, but no hookups or affairs). We are back to counseling and are working on restoring our relationship. I am also seeing an individual therapist to work on resolving underlying issues. 

My goal is to never use pornography again. I am on day 7 and doing my best to make it for good.

Peace

Dan Fogelberg ? Phoenix Lyrics
I have cried too
I have cried too long
I have cried too
I have cried too long
No more sorrow,
Got to carry on

Found deep water
Before I've even learned to swim
Found deep water
Before I've even learned to swim
Never thought I'd
See the sun again

Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Once I was a
Once I was a man alone
Now I've found a
Heart to call my home

Like a Phoenix,
I have risen from the flames
Like a Phoenix,
I have risen from the flames
No more living
Someone else's dreams

I have learned a lot from William's posts recently. As a result, I have changed my approach a bit. I am on day 8 of no PMO and day 2 of no MO. I added the 2nd counter at the end of my post to indicate the MO streak (not sure why I couldn't get the text right).

One thing that resonated with my in William's post is embracing the withdrawl. That is a different mindset and one I can really get behind. I would like any advice on what to do when you are aroused and need to cool down to keep from relapsing. Cold showers are good idea, but not always an available solution. When I am turned on, I have difficulty concentrating on anything else until I take care of it. If I am going to go no MO, I need some more strategies.

Last night I had a lot of sex dreams, which caused me to wake up very horny and fully erect (a good sign, but difficult to function!) I need a way of resetting this arousal so I can get on with my day.

Thanks everyone.

-P

I am on day 9 no PMO, day 3 no MO.

Yesterday was a difficult day in some respects. I was working from home and all alone. This was always the time to indulge my addiction. I started out the day very aroused from a sexy dream but tried the cold shower and that did seem to calm things down. It was difficult, but I survived. Back to the office today.

I have tried to be very aware of how I relate to other people and view women. I am thinking a lot about how I view women as objects and not people. I never really knew what that meant - to objectify women. Now I get it. I want to see them as people and not as a set of parts! At least I am more aware. As for people in general, I think I am able to be more present and interact with people better. I have always felt a bit isolated and distant.

In previous periods of sobriety, I have only gone without porn/chatting/cammming etc. This time I am going no MO. That raises the level of difficultly significantly! I also hope that it increases the rate and extent of healing.  A small victory is finding that it is possible to ignore the arousal and keep on living my life. Not easy, but possible.

All the best to all the rebooters out there.

-P

Phoenix, welcome.  You might read the thread Objectifying Women in Porn Addiction in this forum.  It may help.  Good for you wanting to change.  Your wife loves you.  Include her in your recovery, she obviously want to help you through with this.  Talk to her.  She is stronger than you think.  (You may be doing this I don't know)

hey Phoenix -

First you are going great!  You experienced an difficult time, you were present in the emotions that before would send you of into the dark side - and you won the battle!  This wil continue to allow you to build your strength, and your confidence - one more day stronger than before.

Also, I think it is great that your are also adding no MO'ing to your reboot.  No P is great, but the two combined - when conquered - will make you a better person in the end.  And you will be successful.

Have you started to get involved in any other activities in your life that you can use to fill your time when you would PMO?  I have found that this is very helpful, and after all this time i don't really have to think about what i am going to do - all those healthy activities just happen.  One that i am really happy with is i am learning to cook from my wife - who is awesome in the kitchen - it is time we are spending together - time we didn't share before - i am learning to cook many different things, and when i do cook dinner i feel some pride that i have been able to give back to the family in a small way. 

Stay strong my friend - we can all beat this!

SMS,

I haven't started adding new interests, hobbies, etc, but I have found I have more time! So far, that time has been filled by reading this and other sites to learn all I can. It has been a bit obsessive! Time to ease back on the online time and find a real hobby. I have plenty of interests and it will be cool to finally dedicate some time to them!

Best,

-P

I definitely want to reinforce what SMS said about the need for new hobbies to fill the void.  You and I are on a similar timeline and whenever I don't fill the time I find myself drifting in my thoughts.  My porn addiction had also drifted into homosexual porn as well, never acted on it, but definitely drifted into areas of sex that afterwards I'd have some serious regrets about (e.g. some extreme porn).  I know that isn't really who I am as a person, but it just was the need for more and more stimulation.  Vanilla, or straight porn just wasn't doing it for me.  So far in  my reboot I've found that need for porn and especially those types of porn to really collapse.  But on nights like tonight I'm definitely feeling the urge for MO.

I am impressed with your ability to abstain while working from home, that is a seriously strong trigger for me.  I used to do a lot of work at night at home, but I'm shifting to going into work early and then not tempting myself with the late night computer time (well, ok, except for on here). 

Congrats again on making the decision and using this site as a resource.  Keep strong and keep that great attitude, porn is not an option!

Day 10 (no PMO)/4 (no MO).

Things are good today. It is another challenging day as I am working from home, but I am keeping busy. I find that I have been much more productive at work because I am not allowing myself to think about taking a break to watch some porn (used to all the time, and these "breaks" would sometimes last all day!) I agree with all of you about finding something to keep me busy. I am a huge motorsports fan and I have started doing research into building my own car. How is that for a time suck for you? I am also doing more work around the house (doing stuff I would normally ignore out of depression/just not caring). I definitely need to get back into exercise. I used to be a triathlete back when I could train consistently. It is motivating to think I could get that back (lots of good endorphines released with exercise!).

I am definitely in a constant state of semi arrousal. Small things seem to send me down the turned on path very easily. Time for a cold shower! I am hoping I can get the spark going again with my wife. That would make things a lot easier to have some relief!

I am thinking a lot about the mental game - I am starting to see that it would be worse to relapse than to keep this thing going.

I have to admit that I got seriously triggered today (did not act on it, but felt very weak). I was engaging in a PM exchange with a female sex addict. It started innocently enough about kicking this thing. Then I started thinking about how I would like initiate chat with this person on skype (I think she was feeling weak too). Bad idea! That would likely lead to MO at the very least and possibly a full relapse. Going to get away from the computer for a while and stop checking into PMs!

-P

You have the correct frame of mind.

You are doing great! Stick with it - have a good weekend. 

Stay strong.

Day 11/5, no PMO/MO.

Today was an interesting day! I found myself seriously challenged and found I was up to the challenge!

This morning I initiated sex with the Mrs. We have not have an active sex life recently (thanks to my spending my energy elsewhere). We got things going and were both pretty turned on. Then we were interrupted by a phone call from her mom! I was rock hard and ready to go. Normally, I would have just helped myself out. Instead, I took a cold shower, so no MO for me. Later that day, we picked things up again. The sex was very very good. Here are some things I noticed:

I have suffered from what I would consider mild PEID (can get hard initially, but have difficulty reaching orgasm, sometimes get soft toward the end). I was able to achieve an erection immediately, maintain it complete throughout, did not get even the slightest bit soft, did not have any problem achieving orgasm, and even remained a bit uncomfortably hard for a while after! I think I could have gone again. Amazing how things have changed. I didn't know I could get it back like I was a teen again! (Note: This recovery was not only from 11 days. I had been clean for 36 days prior to my last relapse and before that had been clean for increasingly longer periods).

This all gives me very good positive reinforcement to keep on the new path I have chosen.

-P

Day 13/7, no PMO/MO

Happy Monday everyone. Not much to report other than I am still on track. I worked all day Sunday so that kept my mind off of this topic. Today is another work day, although all alone at home. This makes it more difficult, but I have successfully worked from home several days already and I don't worry about this challenge any more. Things are good and right on track. Over 10% of the way to my 120 day reboot goal.

Although I don't know for sure, this might be the first time I have ever gone a week without MO! Now I have no doubt that I can do it.

That is exactly the frame of mind one needs to be in - small successes, building blocks for the foundation to be strong when you are really faceds with a challenge.

You are doing great, but you must remain vigilant, and aware at all times.  There was a quote I saw awhile back - "Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation is leaning on the doorbell".  For those of us fortunate to have an opportunity to straighten out our lives before this demon completely consumed us - we need to embrace this opportunity while knowing that there will be days that will be a challenge to stay on track.

We all can beat this!

And Happy Monday back at ya!

Thanks SMS. Today was a good day. Challenges met! And I do feel fortunate to have this opportunity. I already see how much better life can be free of this addiction. That is great motivation to keep on!

Day 14 no PMO. Two weeks down and feeling good!

Two weeks stronger, my friend!

congrats!

Day 15. That means 1/2 a month. Not bad!

No real challenges to sobriety today. I have a busy day at the office and then a full evening of activities with the family. It helps to keep busy!

Day 16 no PMO, Day 10 no MO.

Just a check in... things are going well. Still on track. My mood and overall outlook are very good. Porn is not an option!

Day 19 no PMO, Day 13 no MO.

The weekend went pretty well.  I did allow myself to drink this weekend for the first time all month. I did notice that it made things a little more difficult today. Being hungover (depressed) makes me want to seek out the old behaviors. But no risk of relapse here. That is not an option. I just need to remember to make it easier for myself and not engage in behaviors that make it more difficult.

Have a great week everyone and stay strong. It is worth it!

-P

Glad to hear your weekend went well.

Also good to hear you were able to manage potential issues before they got out of control. 

Again, these small circumstances will make you that much stronger in the end.

Embrace your strength.

Day 20 No PMO, Day 14 No MO -

Two weeks no MO. Definitely a lifetime record for me!

Today was a tough day. I am feeling a little bit low. That is always a trigger for me. I am thinking more about PMO and MO and wanting to use them to feel better. Not relapsing though, just need to work through it.