Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 37083 times)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #325 on: April 02, 2018, 08:02:22 PM »
Ha, just as soon as it starts to feel like spring it snows!!!! I love the snow so I was excited but everyone else was complaining. Our Easter holiday was nice, fairly quiet. My parents are visiting so they went to church with us and then we went home, I make a nice dinner and we just relaxed. Also over the weekend our cat had kittens. The kids got to watch the entire thing. Perfect biology lesson, lol. We have had the "where do babies come from" talk already but it was really cool to hear their questions and see their faces and they gained better understanding of this whole thing. Overall life is good. Every now and then I remember the hurt or something will trigger be to wonder but I am noticing how I move out of that so much more quickly than I used to. That is really encouraging to see progress be made. I am celebrating in those moments!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #326 on: April 06, 2018, 01:57:26 PM »
Well I had some encouraging new this morning! My women's group now has more than just me in it, lol. I know that is a weird thing to be excited about but I am non the less. I also met with a pastor at another church and he is working on some new ministries within his church and he wanted to talk about working with me. My husband had shared with him some of our story (with my permission) and said he wanted to speak. I feel like things are starting to pick up. My heart really does want to help others, to be an encouragement, and to see people come out of hurt and move into healing and I am doing the same for myself. Praying that God move through me!

On the family front, I am finally in a place where I am excited about the kids being gone for a bit and looking forward to spending some quality time with my husband. Plus my kids will be able to go the the family reunion with my parents and will be able to connect with family members that have never even met before. That is really exciting. Still hoping that maybe there is a way I can try to swing flying out to attend too but if not I am still glad that they will have that opportunity. Overall life is good and I am so very thankful.

rebootrapp

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #327 on: April 06, 2018, 09:11:41 PM »
Woot woot! Glad to hear you’re doing so well!!
PMO free since Mar 12, 2016

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #328 on: April 10, 2018, 11:04:56 AM »
rebootrapp, Thanks! It's great to hear you and your family are doing so well too.

Well life keeps humming along. Parents are still visiting but will head up to my sisters house in a few days before heading west with our kiddos. I am excited for the kids to spend the summer with their grandparents and in Oregon! It really is beautiful and summers are the best! The ocean, the mountains, all of it!

We were interviewed, my husband and I, for a lady doing a show about porn and it's effects. I thought I would be super nervous but I actually wasn't at all. I am excited to be able to bring awareness and help others. I think, to some degree I carry shame too. I was embarrassed about my husbands addiction. He isn't embarrassed and he doesn't carry any shame, so why do I? SO odd. I am learning and understanding my need for people to approve of me. That is ridiculous. I have been doing a lot of work on myself. I am learning be more accepting of my whole self. To appreciate my strengths and failures. I am so good at seeing and loving others but not myself. The question begs to be asked. If I can't love myself, can I really authentically love others? Also, I want to show my daughter and son what good, healthy, self love, compassion for yourself, and confidence looks like. I can't show them what I do not posses. So I am working, and am improving in these areas. Doing that interview and now feeling embarrassed and genuinely excited about helping others just showed me how far I have come! Feels good to see and appreciate progress. I couldn't have come this far on my own. I am go grateful for my husband, my support here from anyone reading this, and from God. Truly a transformation by the Holy Spirit. So thanks. Lots of thanks.

JedClampett

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #329 on: April 14, 2018, 11:01:03 AM »
Here is an old post that could help someone's thinking...because that is what PMO is, faulty thinking:

"Thank you for explaining all that.  You are right in saying PMO is not an option.
We do not have to be taught how to have sex!  I think that it is a natural thing to do.

I am on Day 8 now and what I appreciate most about it is my productivity rate has gone
way up.  The trick is to appreciate the productivity rate and keep increasing it.

Before about 2010 I put so much into my days it amazes me now to think about it.
I did do some IP before that but it took some time before that nasty thing took a lot
of time out of my life.

It's been very easy to give up PMO to this point.  Hopefully I will continue to realize what
I gain by avoiding it.

1.  Maximum sexual health
2.  Maximum physical health
3.  High productivity rate
4.  Clearer thinking
5.  Less guilt
6.  More hours to learn important things
7.  The increased ability to think and do things for others
8.  The ability to do the little things that make people happy
9.  Better computer health and knowledge that it was not P that caused the problem!
10.  Better moods
11. The opportunity to be a model for avoiding PMO.  This is what Reboot Nation is all about!!!"

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #330 on: April 16, 2018, 09:02:45 AM »
Bartholomew, which issue are you referring to? Just trying to understand better.
THanks

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #331 on: April 17, 2018, 01:53:20 PM »
Well yesterday was interesting. Felt the urge to become overwhelmed a lot but managed to compose myself by taking several breaks to stop breath and focus my thoughts and attitude and it helps so much! Started with just a general annoyance that a certain individual on here has been sending me personal messages describing his relapse and then asking me if that is considered a relapse. It really just irritated me more than anything. Some people can be so rude. Then I went on a run and was repeatedly cat called while my daughter and son were with me. That was upsetting. The thought kept running in my head, "Seriously!?! Why can't people just keep that crap to themselves? Why do they have to should sexual advances at women in public, with my kids around?!?" So rude.

Then later had a bit of what could have been a blow up with my husband. I can see how I have learned a lot. I have noticed that when he is really overwhelmed his first reaction is to avoid. That is really not helpful. He had been handling the filing and paperwork for our business for the past few month and apparently got overwhelmed. He didn't communicate it he just put it off because he was overwhelmed and didn't want me to be disappointing in him. It was a huge trigger to come in to help and realize that everything was a mess and he hadn't told me and asked for help. I immediately thought, what else isn't he telling me?!? My heart started racing and everything. I stopped, took some deep breaths and decided before I come up with all of these scenarios I will talk to him. After a long conversation realizing how hard he has been working I am realizing just how much he desires for me to see him as amazing. He didn't want to disappoint me but he did need help. The frustration is that I already see him that way, he is amazing. I wouldn't be here if he wasn't, LOL! We talked it through, and he understood how triggering and upsetting this was. We got everything straighten out. It wasn't as big a mess and I first thought. I reorganized everything and we are good to go. I can see how a year ago I would have reacted very different. No person is perfect. I am glad that rather than going straight to red hot mad I was able to calm myself. Have grace and compassion for my husband. He really is amazing and works so hard and genuinely does his best. He will mess up from time to time, just like I do, but each time we work through it we get stronger. It gets a little easier and less scary to communicate and maybe next time he is overwhelmed he can get over the thought of disappointing me and just ask for help. We are supposed to be partners right? I know we will get there eventually.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #332 on: April 30, 2018, 03:54:51 PM »
Well things are going pretty well. Just wanted to pop on here and check in. Took the kids to see the latest Avengers movie and of course they loved it. It was great to spend some family time together over the weekend. Also the kids have finally been making a few friends!!! Very excited about that! So all in life, life is good!

Dr. Wankenstein

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #333 on: May 02, 2018, 12:05:28 PM »
I hope that things are still improving. I want to second what Objectified said earlier. His PIED is not a result of your decisions, but of his. There is no reason that he should not WANT to satisfy your sexual desires through whatever other means you might enjoy.  This can only help him, IMHO. When his mind is sufficiently healed, your gratification will boost him as well.

In the mean time, I'd also like to respond to one of your own earlier comments. I assume that the emotional, "just being together" thing you referenced is Karezza. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow," by Marnia Robinson. This has been a tremendous help in my relationship.

All the best.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #334 on: May 08, 2018, 09:10:15 AM »
Not a lot new. Got a lot of things done on our house. Living in a fixer project home is quite the experience. I appreciate so many of the little things. Like the idea of two bathrooms, lol. I started budgeting and designing the second floor bathroom today and I got excited to realize that soon we can start this project. This project has been a big esteem booster for me too. I am learning so many things and realizing that I can do more than I think I can. From installing subway tile floor to ceiling to helping with the trim out on the electrical outlets. I am more capable than I give my self credit for. I think I just get scared and maybe a little lazy sometimes. I need to continue to push myself to continue learning more things and trying a new project.

Moon

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #335 on: May 11, 2018, 03:47:50 AM »

right. Continue on and get what you want!
Not a lot new. Got a lot of things done on our house. Living in a fixer project home is quite the experience. I appreciate so many of the little things. Like the idea of two bathrooms, lol. I started budgeting and designing the second floor bathroom today and I got excited to realize that soon we can start this project. This project has been a big esteem booster for me too. I am learning so many things and realizing that I can do more than I think I can. From installing subway tile floor to ceiling to helping with the trim out on the electrical outlets. I am more capable than I give my self credit for. I think I just get scared and maybe a little lazy sometimes. I need to continue to push myself to continue learning more things and trying a new project.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #336 on: May 15, 2018, 10:32:51 AM »
Well I am making baby steps every day. I achieved a big goal at my gym and was able to dead lift 335 pounds! It feels really good to feel strong. I am learning more and more just how much I am capable of. When I step out of my fear and my doubts I can do quite a lot! Another thing I noticed is that I am experiencing the heartbreak a lot easier now. I am in a a group for women of porn addicts and hearing them tell their stories makes me remember mine. I do still feel the hurt and sadness. It hurts to remember being lied to and rejected for so long, but the one good thing is that it no longer consumes me. I just remember it, feel sad, and then move on. I  remind myself that we are not there now and we are moving forward. Instead of letting my regret and hurt just ruin my day I am now able to just feel sad for that time but not stay in the sadness. That is a big thing for me and it feels good to see and appreciate the progress.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #337 on: May 30, 2018, 09:37:47 AM »
The kids have left for their big vacation with my parents. The house feels so different without them here. In an odd way it has been kind of nice though. I miss them and love them so much but I have also been enjoying some alone time and some time to connect with just my husband. Life feels slower. The kids add an element of chaos and busy and I have just grown used to. Having them gone everything feels a little less hectic. I am trying to use this time as an opportunity to gain focus and get a lot done. Overall things are good, but when this kid free time is over I am going to be so excited to see them!!!! I really love my kids so much.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #338 on: June 01, 2018, 12:52:18 PM »
Getting a lot accomplished this last week. I have been painting, hanging trim, laying flooring, all kinds of things. Having time to myself seems to be very productive. Tonight we are going to hit up an artwalk and a brewery. Should be a fun time! Life seems to just continue to keep on moving along.

Redfire03

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #339 on: June 02, 2018, 10:56:03 PM »
I hate to see another woman hurt. I never realized i hurt my wife until it was too late. We men have a hard time seeing the damage we are doing. I wish my wife would join the forum i have asked but she doesnt care anymore unfortunately. 

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #340 on: June 03, 2018, 05:03:01 AM »
I hate to see another woman hurt. I never realized i hurt my wife until it was too late. We men have a hard time seeing the damage we are doing. I wish my wife would join the forum i have asked but she doesnt care anymore unfortunately.
If she's this hurt and disillusioned about your marriage, maybe the only thing you can do now is accept her decision and say you're sorry and that you want to be on good terms with her for your kids. If you keep trying to force the issue to get her back, it comes across as selfish love - ie. It's only about what you want and not about what she wants. That's not really love. Sometimes if you love somebody you have to set them free. After that it will be up to her whether she changes her mind.

Redfire03

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #341 on: June 04, 2018, 06:34:53 PM »
I hear this a lot, just hard for me to except it..... i need to stop pushing the issue but it real hard.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #342 on: June 08, 2018, 08:14:08 AM »
Redfire
Yes, sometimes the hurt is too much and it is for too long. You have kids together though, so she will always be in your life. The important thing is to preserve some sort of friendship. Be the man you want your kids to look up to. Be the man you want your son to become. Model what integrity, honer, kindness, courage, empathy, authenticity all look like so your kids know how to embody those traits. You don't know what the future holds but you will be happier and have more peace if you work on becoming that person. My  mom married my stepdad. They were married for 10 years. They divorced for 5 years and ended up getting remarried! Life is crazy! You can't know what tomorrow will look like but you can be the best person you can be today.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #343 on: June 11, 2018, 07:31:10 AM »
Well, time is slugging by. I am noticing so many things different when the kids are gone. Sad. The house is so quiet, almost creepy quiet, lol. There are a lot less dishes, laundry, house cleaning. Also a lot less snuggles, big squeezes (hugs for my daughter), laughter, and silliness. The kids really make life so much more full and joyous! I miss them. I also notice they force my hubby and I to take breaks. Since their departure we just work, we work a lot. I have been trying to invite friends over so we at least take time to be social but for the most part we do some amount of work, weather at the business or on our house, everyday. Thinking we need to take a real day off.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #344 on: June 13, 2018, 01:29:54 PM »
Staying busy as ever.  I am volunteering part-time with a local non profit helping women who have been in sex trafficking rebuild their life. It is really interesting hearing their stories and where they came from. My heart breaks in so many ways. I am glad to be part of helping them rebuild.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #345 on: June 15, 2018, 08:31:00 AM »
Well, this has been a full week. We have had families over for dinner almost every day this week! Yesterday wasn't even planned, it was like an impromptu family of 8 and tacos were on the menu. You would think this was a restaurant, lol! It was a good time. The family had for small boys that were so much energy. I forgot just how much work little kids are. It's amazing how fast you forget some things, lol.

Work wise we had a roller coaster of a week. We had a large order return recently and my hubby is still processing that. This is the second time in 5 years that this has happens. He takes it very personal but that is the nature in handcrafting something and having someone reject it. It feels so personal, even though that is not their intention. We have been taking extra care since to be sure all of our designs are spot on and executed well. It has made things slow when we are already pretty busy. This adds to the stress. Yesterday was the peak of that for  my hubby. I can see how he is still learning how to process emotion. I was doing some computer work and he called just so frustrated and on the verge of tears. He tends to take on too much and then not want to ask for help. Well all of that has been blowing up like landmines and he is realizing just how important it is to let the people we have hired to help us actually help. He can't just do everything. I think he was just feeling so low yesterday.

I find those times tricking and sometimes  I feel like I don't handle them well.  I have a hard time knowing when he is just needing to vent and when he needs help finding a solution. I think I tend to come in with solutions when he isn't ready to hear them and he just feels like I am not really understanding his hurt. That is probably very insensitive. Pondering that I realized just how much we are alike. I, for a long time, thought we was insensitive and now I am seeing those same traits in myself. This is an area I will take extra care to stay aware of and improve in.


aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #346 on: June 19, 2018, 10:06:56 AM »
Well this week is starting out better than last week. Progress is showing, progress on many areas of life. I can see how we defiantly argue less now. We used to argue all the time when things got stressful and in hindsight that is probably when my husband would PMO more often as well. I was pondering that last night. Life before d-day and when were the times I didn't know. What was I doing? I wasn't stewing or mad or anything while thinking about this, more just trying to analyze and understand. Then, last night I had a weird dream. I was dreaming about him PMO'ing. It was like I was a fly on the wall and I could see him doing this while I was gone. I could see him seeking out different photos of my friends and porn (he used to have both pages up at the same time). It was so odd. I woke up all so sad ad crying. Not angry, just sad. Before this would have set me back quite a bit. Now, I am able to really understand that isn't us anymore. That isn't our relationship anymore and even if he does relapse, I know we can get through it. I also am learning to understand that his addiction doesn't define me. It isn't an account of my worth. It is something destructive that he is choosing to do to himself because he has an addiction. I am not part of that. I love him very much, and I am happy to see him healthy and as a result see our relationship healthy too. It isn't my fault that he chose to digest stress and overwhelm in this manner. Now when stress comes up, I try to check in and communicate it before it builds. We talk about it out loud together. I understand his triggers more and his insecurities. He is really a strong person but at the end of the day he is just a person. Nobody is perfect. I am glad to be closer to this imperfect man than living a lie with perfection.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #347 on: July 04, 2018, 04:18:21 PM »
Not a lot new going on. Continuing to work on this never ending project of a house. It is slowly turning into a nice home. Due to some scheduling miscommunications with my mother looks like my kids get some extra time with all of their friends out west. I am missing them terrible! We pick them up on the 25 of this month! Two month is waaayyyyyy to long to be away from them. Today is a holiday here but for some reason neither my husband or I are really in a super celebratory mood. We both just miss our kiddos, lol. Other than that everything is going great. I am getting some traction with my woman's group and really feeling good. I am feeling the Lords blessings in so many ways.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #348 on: July 09, 2018, 12:51:36 PM »
The weekends was busy bit alright over all. We working on the house. We used to take Sunday's off for family day but since the kids haven't been here we have let that go and have pretty much been working non stop for the last month and a half. I am exhausted. Last night we decided to stay in and watch a movie together. This is the first time we have really sat down and turned on the thing since the kids left, lol. Anyway we were watching some crime mystery based on a true story and it had some decent actors in it. There were a few scenes where the detectives had to go into a strip club to interview someone. My husband was so uncomfortable, he kept fast forwarding then going too far and rewinding only to be right back at the scene he was trying to avoid seeing. We finally just found a different movie. He would have never done that before. He just said we would rather not have those images in his mind and it makes him uncomfortable. I really thought that was amazing. He is practically a different person.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #349 on: July 12, 2018, 08:19:32 AM »
Just super busy. My partners group is picking up and I started shaping up some material for us to work through that is more organized. I also, along with my husband, started creating some material that we can use together. He is planning on starting a mens groups as he has been mentoring some men around town and more and more guys have expressed an interest. We are thinking to start some sort of groups where women can meet at the same time as the men and work through some of the same stuff to give a common language to communicate with. So many time my husband and I would end up arguing the same point because we were using different words to describe the same thing, lol. Anyway, all of these ideas get me really excited and hopeful for others. I love who my husband and I are today, I love our marriage. I would love to be as helpful and encouraging as I can be to helping others feel that freedom as well. Life is so much better without porn!