Author Topic: my 1st week....  (Read 831 times)

ralenty

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my 1st week....
« on: March 12, 2018, 05:32:24 AM »
I´m in my mid 40s and sadly, porn´s been there in one way or another since my teenage years. I´ve always thought that I could manage it but after few years trying to get out, I realized that nope I cannot. Porn addiction is a very powerful addiction but you all know that....Anyway, I´m married and have kids and we are doing really fine as a family but I have the strong feeling that I could have a much much much more intimate relation with my partner. I have the strong feeling that I betray her every-time I watch/masturbate on porn (which depending on the cycle, it can be everyday) and that makes me feel absolutely miserable. It is eating me alive not to mention the time and energy I waste on it. I do not know how I managed to keep my “little” secret away form her. We have some sort of regular sex life (I guess) and although we do not “dance” often, it is a weekly thing. Anyhow, I feel really sick of porn and I am determined to stop it forever but I´m scared because it´s not the first time I feel this way. However, it is the first time I share my situation and I am very grateful to this forum and to you all. I have red a lot about pornography and addictions and the approach of reboot nation here is —I believe— very much right......by the way, for the first time in a loooong period of time, I´ve just made my first week sober.....
« Last Edit: April 09, 2018, 04:10:03 AM by ralenty »

ralenty

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2018, 04:13:15 AM »
Day 9: ok here we are. Feeling strong and happy but at the same time insecure as I know well pmo is deep in my circuits. Yesterday evening I had my few hours of unaccountable time to spare when everybody was sleeping (and I couldn´t without my fix, as usual) and I just watched a movie....I felt the trigger but resisted. I´m proud of it  but first thing came to my mind this morning was that I should´t expose myself to internet at evenings.......this is a long road.....

ralenty

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2018, 05:07:36 AM »
Day 10: I believe that I´m doing ok but things feel quite strange around here... I ask myself questions that usually are out of my radar, such as why the hell I´ve been involved in pmo for so long.....I read here and there that there must be some underlying issues that would explain why and although I am much more inclined to think that the "shit happens" approach explains it better, those questions started to pop up.....anyway, I am unemployed and have a lot of time for myself so probably I should keep myself as busy as I can and do not think too much......

joepanic

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2018, 08:18:16 AM »
Hi Relanty
                        This is a question many of us had  with me it was curiosity  and eventually to fill the void of loneliness when I was 14 or 15    I just never felt I fit in  and it became an easy vice   than excuse  for not taking part in the real world and finally an addiction/crutch.    I  tried many times to quit  with very little success.   Now at age 46  I seem to have broken the  grip    Almost 3 months later  I am gaining a new confidence  and a more clear brain    My wife does not know i struggled with this  and still doesn't   but has noticed  small changes in my outlook      Stay the course   be strong  and know that better times lay ahead    with a clear head and confidence   you will find work and start to grow in life


             Cheers  and fight the good fight

           Post often it helps you it helps me

ralenty

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2018, 04:01:08 AM »
Day 11: uffff this is tough, isn´t it? I woke up energetic but also full of doubts like for instance, is this the final attempt? Will I definitely get rid of pmo? I keep telling myself that this is the one final successful attempt, and that clearly gives me strength but doubts are there. Although it makes me nervous, maybe having doubts its good so I keep my guard up. I think anyway I need way more sober days on my shoulders....

Joepanic I cannot thank you enough for your comment. Not only because you are the first person ever who talked to me about this issue but because you managed to keep pmo away from your family.....I´ve read in almost every book on porn addiction that at one point you need to disclosure your addiction to your loved ones if your want to recover.... and that always has scared me to death. Knowing that you are winning the fight (I went through your journal and you definitely are) and that at the same time you have saved a lot of pain from your wife gives me strength...

Btw, I share with you 100% your thoughts on having the feeling that never fitting in explains a lot about pmo....in my case I can say that my tensions about who I really was and who I wanted to show others that I was, gave me a tough time in my teenage years, which probably led to loneliness which led to....

joepanic

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2018, 08:30:20 AM »
Good morning  Relanty

                      I find that listening to myself is more important than to the professionals who have never met me   I think the real professional are some of those on this sight   who are fighting the same fight    A few other gentlemen here agreed that you dont have to invite your loved ones into the battle  to win it    Its my battle  and your battle  not theirs   unless your partner is a direct reason  for you to use (ie  withholding intimacy  or major control  issues)  than that is the job for a marriage councillor    I dug deep and asked myself  how is P hurting me and found that  I wasnt able to do some of the things i wanted to  because  how much of my time was sucked up by P    For me it was not a good vs evil  or so much of a moral  issue(although that became a small part because as my mind cleared  I began to recognise how many of these girls could be addicted to drugs or be dragged into this work  against there will exc)   After almost 90 days   I can see the change in outlook because I am able to think  more for myself as a whole   and not  just about what I need to get by by    Pic aprt  the reasons why you used and why you wanted to quit   always look at your addiction as a present issue  and your porn usage as the past   and concentrate on the things you always wanted to do and use baby steps in doing them  for small victories  eg   I am a musician   and I spend small amounts of time   learning a new piano chord   or guitar riff     things I should have learned 25 years ago when I claimed  i was a musician  but played the same  acoustic guitar chords over and over        Hope this helps      read lots here  your going to agree with and disagree with a few things   but keep an open mind   and let things sink in over time

        fight the good fight   and post often  it helps you it helps me

ralenty

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2018, 06:59:50 AM »
Day 12: Yesterday was not a good day. Lot of free time and lots of urges. It´s funny because I know well how valuable is to have time to spare, but I am also realizing how bitter it can be especially if triggers pop up constantly. I am really thinking on restructuring the way I deal with my days now. I spend the whole morning searching for jobs and doing applications in a public library but a nice part of the afternoon —after jogging or doing some sport and until kids come from school— is unoccupied. That needs to change, not only because of the risks of having unoccupied time but because of the things I could accomplished using it properly...

Joepanic thank you again for your comments.  Good staff there ...it made me think a lot. Actually, you working harder on your music made me think that I need to get my hands on something new..... I also think that you are right on keeping family away from this battle. It is really a great help to have access to this place where we can share our day to day stuff in order to get out of p once and for all. No need to bring others to the equation....besides, I got into this alone so....




ralenty

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Re: my 2nd week....
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2018, 04:04:37 AM »
Day 15: here I´m again. I´m happy that the weekend is behind and that I managed to keep myself away from pmo. It was not easy though. On Saturday I was severely tempted as I found myself surfing ramdomly the internet at night after watching a movie in the laptop with my wife already sleeping. Awful, stupid decision. At one point I really thought that I would relapse but I didn´t. Are you familiar with that internal conversation that we all normally have before falling back into temptation? Well, I had that and to send away the pmo ghosts it really helped me to have started this journal. I told myself that after two weeks it would be a real shame to return to the starting point, besides, what I would say to you guys? We're all doing big efforts here so I said to myself that NO WAY I relapse this easily.....Big victory I think and feeling stronger now.

Another issue that I wanted to share with you is the NoFap community that I discovered....probably you´ve already heard of that approach but in case you didn´t, I really advice you to check it out (just google it) ...They´ve got a new angle (to me at least) based on the energy that we gather/save if we avoid pmo and how that change our lifes....really good and positive stuff i think....

Free-man

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2018, 05:13:20 AM »
Welcome ralenty.

Of course we have that internal conversation but we have to resist to that temptation. Temptation is everywhere…in tv programs, movies, billboards etc… so we have to be strong all this time.

Reboot is not just about abstinence of pmo or masturbation. Its about to change your mind and change habits in your life, your lifestyle…change bad habits for good ones. Keep mind busy and away of computer or put protection software. You have a wife and kids…I wish I had…Give love to them, trust, busy your mind in how you can make their life better and happier everyday. Be a better person for them everyday.

About if you must to share the problem with your wife or not…it's your personal decision. But my personal opinion is you must. She deserves the trust and respect that she gives you all the time. I think firstly she won't understand it but she will support eventually. I know it's your problem and you are the unique person has to deal with. But What would happen if she were the addicted…you would want to help her, isn't it?

I'm not good doing advices I'm a person full of problems and like Joe said clear head and confidence is the begining.

Cheers mate and welcome, we share the way all together.


ralenty

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2018, 12:40:20 PM »
Day 16: suffering here but keeping the guard up. Huge urges and some withdrawals I guess (bad temper and irritability) but I managed to stay clean and it feels like some sort of victory although I have doubts about my strength to keep the way....Anyway, above all I feel that I want to go through all this shit and get better so here I am....My biggest motivation is to become the best version of myself and I guess that I need to suffer a little first.....

Free-man many thanks for your comments and views. Really appreciate them. I´ve gone through your journal and I can see that although you´re at day 46, you´re also struggling. Together man, we´ll got through this....
I gave some thoughts to your views on sharing this battle with the partner and I can see that you´ve got a good point but i´m still not sure about it.....as I said before, it scares me to death to tell my wife about my issues because she´s got enough in her plate and I don´t wanna make her suffer....anyway may be at a latter point, when I feel better and winning, I´ll tell her.....

ralenty

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Re: my 2nd week....
« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2018, 07:02:31 AM »
Day 17: I woke up better today (but not great). I started to believe that I will really get rid of pmo once and for all. It´s just like seeing the end of the tunnel. Nevertheless, at the same time I´m very well aware that still there is a lot of road to cover.

I´ve seen today some vids on people doing nofap in youtube, and for the first time I am really realizing that pmo is an issue that affects so so many people. I´m really surprised how little atention this issue gets at the institutional level. I´m starting to think that maybe somebody thought that there is nothing better than free porn to maintain the status quo and keep people quiet and busy destroying themselves.... I do not want to seem like obssesed with conspiracy theory here though...it´s just a thought that right now make sense cos I can see that pmo does not get by far the attention that it should get out there.......peace, brothers

joepanic

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Re: my 2nd week....
« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2018, 08:20:19 AM »
Ralenty

                         I very much agree about  your thoughts on my there is so much free porn on the net  and how it is such a huge problem  and  nothing is being addressed.  I think from one point  it is a problem that is mostly suffered in silence  A drunk you can see there actions   a gambling addict  you see them lose there homes exc    this problem has very little outward appearance.   Men don't wan to be known to suffer ed  or since its free you probably wont lose your home unless you get busted for child P  or something and thats a whole other matter   Someone or a group of people need the courage to stand up and shout it out loud  how much of a problem this is  and educate.   It wont take very long before some people will instantly throw out there the anti censorship ship for sure and freedom of speech/expression  issue pretty quick    We dont need censorship  but we need control  on some level    But it is true that govmt  has always liked its population kept busy   it does allow for more effective governing  but   this is not the way to do it    providing jobs   and opportunities  is    In the meantime stay strong  keep up these conversations as  this could be one of those  taking  lemon and turning it into lemonade moments     Having good topics to discuss  just might  get someone itching to help  bring it to the forefront   Squeeky whell gets the oil right?

       Stay strong   and post often it helps me it helps you

ralenty

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Re: my 2nd week....
« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2018, 04:15:13 AM »
Day 18: Yesterday evening I tried to have sex with my wife and it did not work. What an awful moment.... I guess that I´m right in the middle of the famous flatline period. You feel like empty in the inside and worst.... it can be also painful for your partner as she might thing that it is her fault and not yours. I think that I managed to make it plausible that I was stressed and that it was my fault but still.....anyway, I just hope that this period goes away soon....

I´m so greatfull that I already knew about the flatline thanks to the info in this site as well as in yourbrainonporn.com... and although it feels really bad, I also feel quite strong, as experiencing a flatline means ultimately that I´m breaking old patterns and moving in the right direction. I just only hope that it does not take long to move from flatline to a natural arousal period. I heard that it can go from few weeks to even a couple of months....hope it´s just weeks/days....

Joepanic thanks man for sharing.....I believe that in 20 years or even earlier, society will talk about pmo exactly as we talk today about other hard drugs. This shit is bad. It leads to a severe addiction and for those that are not still there, it drains their energy and motivation. There is more than enough empirical evidence to raise the voice of polititians and elected authorities in order to prevent the youngest from falling into the pmo trap. But unfortunately, as it usually happens, polititians only care and act when the thing has gotten out of hand and is a real catastrophe. Then they position themselves against it to appear as saviors of the situation......f*** them......I cannot thank enought those brave people like Gabe Deem and others who are openly talking about this and advocating for puting this issue at the top of the social/political agenda.........thanks and peace

Free-man

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Re: my 2nd week....
« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2018, 07:18:42 AM »
You will get over it Ralenty. maybe, days, weeks or months but you'll do it.
About how much damage this shit does in us…Yep. This shit is installed in our society. With internet High speed band is worst for all generations. I think is discontrolled totally. I guess there are economic interests in politics because the porn industry generates billions. I Heard in UK adult sites or porn in general was avoided or if people wants porn they must to buy for it. I think it's a great idea, but on the other hand their newspapers are full of naked girls. I think we're moving in a very sexualized culture. Advertising is very sexual. Naked flesh. Women are used all the time to sell products like Health and beauty products. To sell a Cream…they show us a naked woman or semi naked or an intimate hygiene product…In our Society we are surrounded by an enormous amount of sexual images, das and Messages…All the time. They can also somewhat be associated with porn. It's very dangerous.

ralenty

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Re: my 2nd week....
« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2018, 06:18:11 AM »
Day 19: Sunny day and good mood today.... I still have the bitter taste of my last sexual encounter though, but that is also serving me to be clearly committed to stop pmo forever. I also got some supplements to put my libido up and reduce the risk of failure next time such as Ginkgo biloba, Maca and Cordyceps....lets see if they work (I´ll keep you posted) ....In any case, I know that pmo and flatline is on the brain and often supplements work on other aspects of your body (blood circulation,....) but worst scenario, they cannot harm....

Freeman thanks for your support and I fully agree with your views: porn is everywhere and it should´t. We certainly need a revolution ........peace brother

ralenty

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Re: starting my 4th week....
« Reply #15 on: March 26, 2018, 05:56:07 AM »
Day 22: It´s crazy that I´ve been 22 days without pmo. Just once in my life since I was a teenager I achieved this, and that happened like 5 years ago. At that time I did almost 8 weeks sober.... then relapse and binge like crazy and then back to a one week cycle, where I binge for a couple of days and then stop for 4 or five days....all this until now....

Today things seem pretty clear to me. Although I still struggle with some triggers (specially at nights when everybody sleep and I cannot), I have some clarity that I am not used to. It´s cristal clear to me now for instance that pmo is the most stupid thing that one could get himself/herself into. It keeps you like hypnotized and away from realizing yourself as a person. Shit, it´s really painful to look back and realize how much time I´ve lost....on the other hand I´ve got a kind of sense of relief now that I see so clear how much damage pmo can produce and how easily one can fall in the trap....

Anyway, I have to say that although I feel optimist, I am quite concious that there is a long long road ahead. I force myself to think that way to keep the guard up. For starters, I am targetting for 100 days sober and repporting here about it....

I´ll also say that I had quite nice sex yesterday, which probably has something to do with me feeling this optimistic today.....I was tense at first as I did not know if I could perform but although it took a while (too much I would say) for me to get a propper erection, at the end it was great......hope that this is the beguining of a postive trend.........peace

ralenty

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Re: my 3rd week....
« Reply #16 on: March 27, 2018, 03:20:44 AM »
Day 23. I´ve been thinking about it for a while now, and today I finally decided to introduce a new challenge in my life. I´ve been always good at sports, but never took it seriously enough to do something with that...... so I decided that i´ll start by trying to go for 5k improvement to under 20 min...It might sound stupid as I´m turning 45 soon .... but I dunno ... achieving that would make me really proud and I also think my kids would love it....there is a local race in a couple of months so, fuck it, I´ll go for it......

Yesterday I had some urges at night but I managed to control them.....It is becoming easy now to take away the thoughts of falling to pmo by thinking on the idea that there is a new version of myself that has been waiting many years to pop up and pmo is impeding that.......but not this time..........peace

ralenty

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Re: starting week 6....
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2018, 04:06:26 AM »
Day 36: Easter break ended so I'm getting back to my routine. I´ve been away spending some time with my family and with limited access to internet. It has been great. I´ve been sober for more than a month now. PMO looks like history although I know very well that it is still there. So although I have the feeling that I´m done with it, at the same time I´m scared of putting my guard down and falling again. That´s good I guess, as It helps me keep my defenses up.....so anyway, I´m back to the library searching for jobs....hope something comes up soon (I feel optimistic about it).......peace brothers
« Last Edit: April 09, 2018, 04:10:25 AM by ralenty »

ralenty

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week 6
« Reply #18 on: April 12, 2018, 03:13:22 AM »
Day 39: Yesterday was a hard day. I felt really upset all day and wanting to fall into pmo. In fact I was about to do it. I was as usual alone at night with the computer when everybody else was sleeping. I had received some whatsapp messages in the afternoon with porn scenes and could not get them out of my head. For the first time in the almost 40 days of sobriety I seriously doubted about my strength to resist the temptation. I thought that I had already made too much effort and that somehow I deserved it. It's incredible how addiction tries to make a hole in the brain ...... The story is that in the end I closed the computer and went to sleep. I remembered the shit that is pmo and how bad I would feel afterwards. I also thought that to overcome this addiction it is necessary to spend bad moments that then make you stronger. I keep my commitment to nofap and today I feel really good about it although scared at the same time. It´s a hard road......peace brothers

mousemat1

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2018, 04:00:02 AM »
Well done ralenty!

The urge to look at porn sometimes creeps up on us. I posted only yesterday that I was cruising in hardmode, but this morning when I woke up I just wanted porn! I've resisted because it would be devastating to have come so far and then relapse.

Stay strong and good luck! 

Karzam

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2018, 05:05:40 AM »
Aye, good work Ralenty - I really do think it's a process of being aware of the urges, and also why they might be there. As a point of reference, you may wish to block those Whatsapp contacts, or at least ask those people not to send them (if they're friends)...I can't think of anything more likely to derail the whole process.

Karzam

ClaudeBolling

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #21 on: April 15, 2018, 09:40:33 AM »
Wow, my limit has been 7 days. well done. I'm jealous.
Total addict, perpetual rebooting. Trying my best. Been introduced to porn since 6yrs. In perpetual cycle of rebooting that lasts far to short.

ralenty

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #22 on: April 16, 2018, 05:08:24 AM »
Day 43: or should I say day 1?  Yes I´m sorry to report here that shit happened this weekend. Not that I fell into routines/practices that I was immersed in before, but I clearly violated some principles and rules that I imposed to myself at the beginning of this journey. I spent around 2 hours yesterday looking at porn. I avoided masturbation but I could not avoid surfing the net...

The way I feel today is really bad.

I am determined to analyze what happened and take steps so that it does not happen again. Surely it has to do with some situation that is stressing me these days as well as, no doubt, with an excess of confidence in my progress.

One thing is for sure: I will think calmly and I will come back here to continue the fight. A lesson that I have learned already and I will not forget is that there cannot be a single day in a looooong period of time in which I do not spend some time working on this fight, either coming to this forum, meditating or reading about it. I hope I come out  reinforced from this episode but I don´t know....... Now I feel low and really disapointed with myself.

I wanna thank you all for your last comments of support (ClaudeBolling, Karzam, mousemat1)....I need to make peace with myself but first I wanted to make peace with you....thanks


ClaudeBolling

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #23 on: April 16, 2018, 05:43:51 AM »
If I may ask, what led you to go and sit in front of the PC or laptop. I find it best over weekends to stay away from devices that link to the net as much as possible. If I must, I do it with someone or on someone elses pc, then there is no way I can drift
Total addict, perpetual rebooting. Trying my best. Been introduced to porn since 6yrs. In perpetual cycle of rebooting that lasts far to short.

Deadcat

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Re: my 1st week....
« Reply #24 on: April 16, 2018, 09:33:24 AM »
Congrats Ralenty on your Reboot.  I think you have the right mindset and I do believe rebooting can only help your relationship with your partner.  I'm on day 84 and I've seen tremendous improvements in my relationship, although I am far from fully healed. 

In regards to your relapse, I would not worry about it.  We are all allowed to fail but that doesn't mean you should quit.  Keep going.  I don't believe in restarting your counter either.  Every day you choose to give up porn should be counted and we should take pride in this choice.

We sound similar.  Keep up the fight.  I have hope that healing awaits.  If you've watched the videos (and you should), it took Gabe and others 6 months to a year before they found healing.  This just means we need to fight longer before we get our payoff.  I'm ready to feel what life without porn feels like and how much better my life with my wife can be!  Best of luck!