Author Topic: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)  (Read 867 times)

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #25 on: April 06, 2018, 11:11:52 PM »
Hey Deadcat I'm finishing Day 3 here.  It's 11:09 and I WANT to do the dishes.
Stick with it, we are all pulling for you here!  You will soon be known as "StrongCat."
"One thing about that man, he is strong!"

GreenDevil

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #26 on: April 07, 2018, 07:12:13 PM »
Wow that list of ED causes hit home.
Tried everything,been porn free almost 100 percent since Jan 1st
Just a couple times now no interest in at all.still not a lot of improvement
But I think it will get there

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #27 on: April 07, 2018, 10:25:21 PM »
Day 5 here guys.  My productivity has gone up 100%.  To me that is the big thing.  Even if I never do another woman it's worth
it to avoid the P!!!

 8) 8) 8) 

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2018, 12:39:34 PM »
Day 76, not too bad

I am disappointed by the lack of recovery.  Lots of flatlining going over here.  I’m sad that for 23 years of my life I barely used porn aside from an occasional peek at my mother’s VS catalog or the latest SI Swimsuit Edition.  But because of my desire to perform, I got caught in the porn trap for the next 20 years.  And now, here I am unable to please my much deserving wife.  I hate myself a little for this but look forward to recovery.  More and more I expecting it to take closer to 6 or 9 months.  I do believe my MO slips have hurt my recovery as it is training my brain to react to physical stimulation instead of visual stimulation (live bodies not porn).

I’ve also been taking Viagra for help.  I am not certain this is good.  Many sites I’ve read are okay with it.  I’m a hypocrite because I’ve advised others to avoid help from drugs.  I do believe that’s best but as a married man with serious flatline issues, I can’t afford to continue to fail in bed.

mousemat1

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2018, 02:34:34 PM »
The flatline can be hell but don't let it trick you into thinking your reboot isn't working! Stay strong and maintain your reboot. You will heal! My longest flatline was 146 days after which I panicked and watched porn. I was very stupid! It's for this reason I'm rebooting again. Good luck!

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #30 on: April 08, 2018, 09:33:43 PM »
mousemat1:

Please explain what "the flatline," is to me.  I'm new on Reboot Nation and this term confuses me.
I am also a 40+ year old virgin.

Thank you!!!

Karzam

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #31 on: April 09, 2018, 02:34:42 AM »
Hi Deadcat,

 At the end of your post, you say that 'you can't afford to continue to fail in bed' - has your wife actually said something to that effect? I'm not trying to have a go at her, I'm just wondering whether you're unduly putting pressure on yourself here...

Karzam

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #32 on: April 09, 2018, 07:36:58 AM »
Flatline...what does it mean?

mousemat1

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #33 on: April 09, 2018, 09:08:06 AM »
The 'flatline' is a period many porn addicts have to go through before they recover.

Basically, after stopping masturbating to porn many addicts report that their libido drops to zero. In my case I have no libido, no desire for sex. This is often accompanied by a dead penis. I also have a dead penis. I have only managed to get a decent erection on two or three occasions. For the last 98 days my penis has effectively been dead. There is little or no sensation.

It's important not to panic and check if you can get an erection to porn. It's very tempting because if feels as if my penis is completely lifeless and will never recover. Do not check your erections to porn!

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #34 on: April 09, 2018, 05:44:07 PM »
mousemat1

Thank you for having the courage to tell me what flatline means.  I truly did not know.
A friend of mine told me he has no desire for the P.  I did not believe him.  Now I do.
He had regular TV with P on years ago.  This is one of my best friends and the guy is a genius
when it comes to technology.  But I think he ruined his life with the P.  (I think he could come out
of it of course...no one is a lost cause)

Hopefully we can be models for all the men involved in PMO.  We have to believe that more men
do it than would ever admit to it.  Even fewer still would admit they have a problem.
Can you imagine the young kids that get ahold of it?  It seems to me that is much scarier than anything.
They do not realize the problems and I bet many think they have discovered a secret to winning women.

I admit that one thing I thought porn did for me is make me more confident around women.  I think it did
dull me to their beauty somewhat.  But I may have been disillusioned about gaining confidence.
One gains confidence by doing something worthwhile!   :o :o :o

TakeActionNow

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #35 on: April 09, 2018, 07:12:12 PM »
Addiction is not simply on P.
It can be drugs, gambling, smoking.
Addiction simply means dependence.
And dependence stems from denial/avoidance

To come out of any addiction is to become independent and facing up to all of life's challenges.
That is the foundation towards development of personal strength.
With strength comes experience, and with experience, character.

Women have to face up with their reality day in and day out, so they dont like men who avoid or cannot endure.

So you are right, build your confidence by doing more, experiencing more. You gain nothing with assured outcomes, but everything when you do something new and challenging.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #36 on: April 09, 2018, 10:52:58 PM »
TakeActionNow:

You are correct.  For me that means being more social.
I cannot do it alone.
No one can.
Let's do it!!!
 >:( ::) 8)

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #37 on: April 11, 2018, 07:07:05 AM »
79 Days w/o Porn

Still some flatlining.  Morning wood is coming back which I am thankful for.  Need to focus on the cause instead of the symptom.  I have been incredibly lazy recently. I need to get more active at work to fill my time.  This past week I’ve been oversleeping and not focusing on production. I need to start planning and getting stuff done.

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #38 on: April 11, 2018, 02:01:22 PM »
Deadcat:

I am on Day 9 now.  I've heard that no one is really lazy.  It's motivation that get's things done.
So motivate yourself.  Lately I have been getting back into my secular music.  However I do tend
to play the songs that inspire me.

Everyone needs inspiration in their life to be motivated.

I learned a long time ago from my mother to make lists.  Everyone should make lists.  I am finding
that I need to make short-term lists as well as long-term lists.  Inch by inch, life's a cinch.  Yard by
yard it's very hard.  We need to just do better than we did the day before.  Then continue to improve
the following day.

I'm writing this for me, just as much for you.

 :)

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #39 on: April 13, 2018, 08:14:10 AM »
81 Days and counting!

Had an interesting session with my wife last night it was great.  We really just made out.  I tried to resisting Oing but could only hold off so long.  I believe the interaction was positive though and she enjoyed it which means more than anything.

Karzam

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #40 on: April 13, 2018, 11:38:15 AM »
Sounds like a really positive experience all round Deadcat, congratulations. :)

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #41 on: April 13, 2018, 11:32:53 PM »
Deadcat:  (Day 11 for me)

I think you have inspired me.  I substitute taught gym today.  In everyone of those classes I had to line the kids up
after class by the doorway.  If you know anything about teaching gym, you know that time can sometimes be a period when
trouble starts.

I found myself singing a Walt Disney song (hopefully I have the words right) "Everybody wants to be the Cat but the
Cat's the Cat who knows where it's at."  Of course the 5th graders laughed but the younger kids got something out of
it.  Everyone wants to be the Cat or leader.  Isn't that true?  We all want to be the one who teaches or leads everyone
else.  Or we might want to be the comedian.  We want to be the Center of Attention!

Anyway I thank you.

ClaudeBolling

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #42 on: April 15, 2018, 09:20:09 AM »
70+ days without porn is so far away for me. Well done thats all i can say
Total addict, perpetual rebooting. Trying my best. Been introduced to porn since 6yrs. In perpetual cycle of rebooting that lasts far to short.

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #43 on: April 16, 2018, 09:25:19 AM »
Day 84 (nearly 3 months) w/o porn

I had sex again with my wife on Sunday morning.  I didn't last long and disappointed both myself and my wife.  She mocked me again referring me to minute man several times throughout the day.  I hate that I did this to myself and to us.

I was very irritable yesterday.  A lot of road rage driving to church and back.  I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel.  I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason.  I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting.  If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it.

I will say my flatline is less the past couple of days. I definitely have more feeling below than in previous weeks.  I'm hopeful that this is a sign that I am recovering.  My biggest concern now is addressing my PE.

I am thankful that I have had little desire to look at porn.  I have wanted click on some click bate on some sports websites I visit.  I've also wanted to look up some hot actresses.  Thankfully I recognize what I'm trying to trick myself into doing and have resisted.  I also find myself looking away from the TV when hot woman or sex scenes come on.  It feels weird but I know it's for the best.  I don't, however, do that same at the gym or in real life.  I have convinced myself that real women are okay, just not pixelated women.  I do, however, try not to be that creepy guy who stares too long.  It's usually just appreciation of one of God's creations.  I also avoid fantasizing as this is a product of porn.   

TakeActionNow

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #44 on: April 16, 2018, 02:25:58 PM »
Cat,

Thank you so much for sharing.
If you dont mind me being open with you.
I apologize if I am too direct.


"She mocked me again referring me to minute man several times throughout the day." 

Whatever the history, we dont live in the past and must move on.
I looked back in my past and recognized that I made poor choices because I choose cravings over self respect.
You placed your wife's words here because it bothered you. You have 3 choices:
1. delete them from your memory and move on
2. recognize your challenges, have self respect, tell her that her words hurt and ask her to be respectful towards you too.
3. Alternatively, look deeper into her words. Is she mocking you or is she disappointed with herself? Get to the root of her concerns so that there is no misunderstanding. Tell her that you care.

"I hate that I did this to myself and to us."

The most important thing is that you are making effort.
Stop hating yourself and your past. The only thing that matters is you making effort now for today and tomorrow.
You need to know this and so does your family.
Self hurt and blame does not help.
Only effort helps.

"I was very irritable yesterday.  A lot of road rage driving to church and back.  I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel.  I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason.  I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting.  If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it."

Porn for the long time has been a means of escape for us from all things difficult in life.
Escaping means not addressing the root of the problems.
Now that we are not escaping, 2 things are happening :
1. our problems and emotions are real and in our face
2. we got to deal with them

What might be happening to you is:
1. build up of tension from lack of escape time
2. recognition of your reality and what you need to face
3. feeling a lack of control in your environment

This is coming to terms with the root of our addiction. It is not porn. It is reality.
Recognition and coming to terms is GOOD !
It is only when we have awareness of what is the problem can we start to address them.
This is the most difficult part of reboot.
It is not the abstinence or lack of access to porn, but the coming to terms of conditions and situations that drove us to addiction in the first case.

Now comes the fun part.
Lacking old escape routes, how do you address your reality problems now ?
Are you now able to see clearly the causes and effects that lead to your emotional states?
Can you find ways to better monitor and moderate your emotional states?
Can you identify what is more important at any point in time?



I was very irritable yesterday.  A lot of road rage driving to church and back. 
(Recognition of emotional state is good. Perhaps it helps to dive deeper for the root)

I got upset with my family because I wanted to watch sports and the kids kept turning the channel. 
(you were already edgy and trying to relax in a chaotic environment. Would removing yourself or engaging with the family be a better choice? )

I recognized that I was very anxious but had not reason. 
(a little time to think about this usually reveals the root)

I wonder if this is a side effect of my rebooting. 
( this is not a side effect. It is the unblocking and recognition of what we have been unwilling to face for a long time. Reboot is about coming to terms. )

If it is, this is the first time I've recognized it.
(This is good. Keep your eyes wide open.  All these are clues and hints to what you need to address and are what's important and affecting you. Engage them deeply and with gusto )

I wish you well and great success in your recovery!!!
« Last Edit: April 16, 2018, 02:27:49 PM by TakeActionNow »
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

JedClampett

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #45 on: April 16, 2018, 11:57:14 PM »
Deadcat:

I get mad when I hear that stuff about a guy not lasting.  Maybe that's why I still a virgin.
To my knowledge women do not have performance anxiety.  All they have to do is lay there.
It's not fair for her to judge you.

Yes, if she was Pam Anderson Lee no one would have a problem!  I guess maybe that's where
the fairness comes in?

I saw this thing on You Tube.com where this guy talked about how when we go to the beach, or
other places where beautiful young women might be, just because we look does not mean that
we love her any less.  We are just wired to look.  We crave variety.  Sex is very different for women.

At least that is what I have been told!!!

 :o :o :o

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #46 on: April 17, 2018, 11:30:07 AM »
Day 85 w/o porn

TakeActionNow - thank you for your thoughtful response.  I agree with much of what you wrote.  I have forgiven myself and am actually pretty good with self reflection.  I don't know if I can pinpoint the cause of my frustration the other day.  It was a lot of little things adding up that really shouldn't have.  I probably needed a timeout to calm down before exploding on my family.  I'm naturally anxious and have to do a better job controlling my emotions.

In regards to my wife, I've told her many times that I don't appreciate her making fun of me and that doing so might only add to the problem.  She doesn't care.  She is obviously frustrated with our challenges in bed and taking it out on me.  I love her though so I put up with it.  I also blame myself for being here.  It was my sin that caused our problem, not hers.

On a broader note, I wonder how much of my problem is PIED now and how much is caused by a strain in my spousal relationship?  My first experience with PIED was on vacation with my now wife (then girlfriend).  When my first wife was sick, I sought escape with porn far too frequently.  After she passed, I stopped PMOing and MOing and unknowingly rebooted.  That's why we had some of the greatest sex of my life.  When my wife left a few days before me to go on vacation, I was stressed, insecure, and jealous so I went back to porn in her absence.  When I arrived on our trip, my body had adjusted back to porn and shut down.  PIED occurred which my wife (then girlfriend) did not handle well.  This was a first for me so I too did not handle it well.  I should have recognized the problem and sought healing then, but I didn't.  It took me years of misdiagnosing the problem and still using porn, now to overcome my challenges in bed, before I finally realized the true problem: PORN.  I never had problems in bed with my first wife.  I wonder sometimes how much my wife's verbal abuse has affected me.  I won't truly know until I finish my reboot.

Jed - Thank you as well for your concerns.  Through experience you'll find out that the man is always expected to perform.  You'll also find more of a connection with some women than others.  It's that chemistry you always hear about.  And it's real.  Some women will be crazy in bed with you and you'll greatly appreciate the things they do for you.  Others will, like you say, just lay there.  If a woman just lays there, move on.  That's not chemistry and not someone you should stay with.  My wife most certainly doesn't lay there when I am performing.  It's quite awesome in fact, which is why I so much want to get that magic back.  Some day my friend, you will understand.  Keep up the fight.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #47 on: April 17, 2018, 04:57:15 PM »
Thank you for your reply Cat.

Imo, porn is not the problem.
Its our understanding and approach to our life's challenges thats the problem.
That's where we need to put more study and effort on.

You say you're naturally anxious.
Thats very good self recognition.
Anxious people also worry alot, think alot and are often high strung. Turns out i am too!
So please go find methods that would help you when you feel tense.
Try to see the world differently.
Try to see people differently.

On your wife, since we cant change others, change ourself.
Change the way you approach her.
Instead of asking, do.
Experiment. Go back to dating mode.
Find ways to wow and surprise her.
Make her feel special.
By your description, she sounds like a lively person.
Be lively yourself too.

Reboot is not about porn abstinence.
It is about coming back to terms with one's life challenges AND doing things differently now.

Please keep trying.
I know you will do well.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Deadcat

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #48 on: April 19, 2018, 11:03:49 AM »
87 Days and just not there yet. 

I'd been feeling better the past couple of days.  Waking up with significant wood.  Experience wood a couple times during the night.  I've been fighting off the urge to MO but today I broke down.  I started down that path but did not have good EQ.  I knew it was a bad road to tread down but I opened up twitter to help getting me over the hump.  Didn't work, still limp with M'ing.  This just breaks my heart for two reasons.  One, I went back to a bad habit.  Two, I still can't get hard.

I didn't watch porn and never plan to.  I stopped myself after experiencing limp dick.  I'm sure I didn't help the rewiring of my brain and probably set myself back but I don't want to think of it.  I'm probably on a journey of six months or longer before I heal.  Which is sad.

Yesterday I watched a video yesterday on sexless marriage.  For those married rebooters, click the link below.  It's worth a watch.

https://youtu.be/LVgzOyHVcj4

The video talks about marriage without sex and says if you have sex with your partner less than 10 times a year, you have a sexless marriage.  It talks about the benefits of sex alone and also to a marriage.  My wife and are a probably down to twice a month, 24 times a year.  Not sexless but damn near close.  This is due to my inabilities in the bedroom which are due to my choice to watch porn.  I want a better marriage than this.  I need to stay strong.

Tom65

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Re: Deadcat's Journal (Age 44)
« Reply #49 on: April 19, 2018, 01:56:48 PM »
Awesome work ther 87 day's

im on my first after relaps

The very best
Tom65
Sorry for my bad English its not my native