Deadcat's Journal

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Deadcat

Guest
My story is probably similar to most.  I was introduced to porn at a young age when some friends and I discovered one of their dad's dirty mags.  It didn't do much for me then because I was too young.  My youth was mostly spent stealing peaks at my mom's Victoria Secret catalog, buying the annual SI Swimsuit issue and staring lustfully at the Solid Gold dancers.  I managed to make it to the ripe old age of 23 before ever masturbating or having sex.  In fact, I first masturbated because my college roommates convinced me it would help me newly developing sex life with my girlfriend and future wife.  My roommates had a house subscription to Penthouse so I thought "what the hell."  I don't recall masterbation or porn being an issue during college. 

I graduated from college then entered the military.  There I was surrounded by a diverse group.  I remember one of my friends being really into strip clubs and some crazy porn.  That didn't phase me and  I remained relatively healthy.  At the time I was managing a long distance relationship which likely led to more than the occasional masterbation.

After getting married, I had a healthy sex life and good marriage.  I still masterbated and began watching porn online.  I felt really guilty but never quit.  My wife caught me once.  It was horrible.  We fought and talked about it.  Eventually I convinced her that this was better than me cheating with another woman and everything was fine.

My first wife and I were married happily for 12 years.  Unfortunately, she died of breast cancer.  She was sick for a long time.  During that period, I believe my addiction to porn and masterbation reached it's peak.  I was already depressed trying to take care of my family through a rough situation and tried to find comfort in something empty and hollow.  I was wrong and guilt overwhelmed me.  I did join a men's group with my church which helped a lot.  It was nice to hear other men sharing similar issues with one another.  I wasn't alone.

After my wife passed, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  After years of caring for her and my children, I felt relief.  That sounds bad but I had been suffering along with my wife for many years.  I was fortunate to meet the most wonderful lady.  We dated for roughly a year before I asked her to be my wife.  Our sex life was mostly awesome.  During one trip together, however, I had a problem getting an erection.  This was new to me.  I never had this problem with my first wife.  My new wife, girlfriend at the time, was gorgeous and sexy.  I knew I wanted to be excited but wasn't.  Needless to say that put a hurt on our relationship.  Fortunately we recovered and I convinced her to marry me.  Since then my problem with PIED has gotten progressively worse.  I nearly tried everything to fix the problem and thankful I found yourbrainonporn.com before I tried some worse things. 

Jan 23, 2018 is the day I self diagnosed my problem with PIED.  I refer to that now as Zero day and the last day I masterbated to porn.  That makes me 37 days clean and I feel wonderful.  Last night my wife and I had the best sex we've had in a long time.  I greatly look forward to my sexual prowess returning because most of all, I want my wife to be happy with us in bed.  I don't want to be the loser I have been for the past several years.  While I expected those results to eventually occur based on what I read, I'm surprised with how much my attitude, work ethic, motivation and my relationship with my wife in general has improved.  It's amazing.  Not PMOing is like taking a drug that makes you feel good all the time, only you're not taking a drug at all which makes it even better.

Since I was willing to do most anything to improve my sex life with my wife, I don't plan on ever going back.  I've read about relapses and have had some wandering moments, but I'm not willing to return to who I was and plan to stay strong.  I'm just too good of a person without PMOing to ever go back.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Well done Deadcat.

You've had some difficult experiences. Stay strong and you're performance is only going to get better.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Day 39 or Week 5

Reasons I thought caused my ED other than PIED (aka lies):

1. Age - took ED pills like Viagra, Cialis and others to try to cure
2. Physical Fitness - I'm in good health but thought jogging and working out more would cure
3. Caffeine intake - cut down on my morning cups of coffee
4. Sexual stamina - masturbated more to build muscles (read somewhere this would help...wrong!)
5. Heart - took baby aspirin to increase blood flow
6. Low T - made an appointment at Low T center, thankfully never went
7. Depression - was considering asking doctor for anxiety medication
8. Health - starting taking all kinds of weird vitamins, and some normal ones
9. Sexual style - tried to learn about tantric sex
10. Sexual strength - bought a kegel exerciser
11. Relationship - questioned if it was my choice of partner
12. Water consumption - I actually believed I was drinking too much water and limited my water intake.

This are the lies I can think of now.  I'm sure there are more.  I'm disappointed that when I first went to my doctor that he didn't ask more about my porn usage.  I wonder how many medical doctors accept the reality of PIED.  I could have save years of pain had my doctor simply said, "hey dude, cut out the porn and you'll be fine."

But after trying what I feel is everything to cure my ED, turns out all I had to do was stop watching porn.  I kick myself.  I swear for a week straight I kept saying, "it's funny, all this time it was porn."  I always corrected myself and stated that it wasn't funny at all.  It was sad. 
 

5Dawgs

Member
My experience has been similar to yours, except my urologist never even asked me about porn.  I?m curious - how long were you clean before the PIED was resolved?  And was it a gradual process of firmer today, a little more firm next week, back to normal after a month, or something like that?
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Day 42, Week 6

I again had fantastic sex with my wife.  I'm slowly rebuilding my confidence.  Last night my wife (and kids) danced to some of our favs.  My overall relationship with my spouse and family has tremendously improved.  I know my wife is noticing and has shown some more affection of her own.  I am not pushing our physical relationship and am allow her to drive that train.

In response to 5Dawgs, I don't believe I am fully recovered but feel better every day.  I am getting excited more with normal touch and feel more life below than I have in years.  I'm prayerful that this continues and that I'll be back to 100% in 60 to 90 days.  Regardless, this process of quitting porn cold turkey is completely worth it. 

My next goal is to address my work ethic.  While this process has helped tremendously and my activity is significantly better, I still find myself tired at times and need to do better.  As someone said, it's not adequate to just quit, you must replace the addictive habit with another activity.  I need to either use work or another activity to help ensure I don't relapse.  So far, I can't say I've even thought about going online recently.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Day 46 without Porn

This week I took my first business trip.  It was hard and I did find myself surfing Instagram for pictures of hot girls.  That was definitely a big slip that I regret.  I could literally feel the effects.  I'm prayerful that I can reset and get back to recovery.  I am definitely done with Porn, but I need to give up MOing as well which is hard when I go long periods of time without sex.  I recognize that it's in my best interest and the interest of my family, and I want that, I just need to stay strong.
 

5Dawgs

Member
Business trips are the WORST!  Alone in a hotel room can be hell.  Thankfully, I do not have any on my calendar for the foreseeable future, because I've never had a trip where I didn't fail.  Next time will be different though, because I have you all to confide in while I'm away from home.

Stay strong.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Day 53 Porn Free

Tomorrow I have an overnight trip planned with my wife.  I am both excited and nervous.  I've not need having the same frequency of morning wood as I had had.  I also have worked out at the gym, saw several attractive women, and not much arousal down low.  This makes me anxious.  I started to MO today but stopped myself because I was not fully erect. I'm debating using a pill for tomorrow so as not to disappoint.

My goal is to last longer and be he stallion I once was.  Before experiencing PIED, I couldn't keep my wife off of me and she never complained about my late night interruptions.  I want that back.  I've been using a kegel exerciser to help with longevity.  I'm certain it works but have suspicions that could be over exercising my nether regions which has affected my morning wood and other recovery signs.  I'm wishful that tomorrow goes well.  It's important that I please my wife.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Day 56 of being PORNFREE

Well, my wife and I had great weekend.....despite my romantic failures.  Ugh!

First attempt failed due to inability to get erect.
Second attempt the next morning failed although I lasted a long time, I went limp before finishing.
Third attempt was pseudo successful as I finished but had trouble getting erect to start.

I made the mistake after the second attempt to finish with one hand while pleasing her with other.  She usually likes this but was confused about how I could stay erect with my hand but not with her.  It hurt her feelings and I regretted it.  I promised myself not to do that again until I am completely healed and its for both our pleasures.

I wanted to tell my wife several times this weekend but resisted.  We've had problems for 4 years now and she's questioning if this is just our new reality.  I have always told her that I'll fix it and it won't last.  I believed it then but didn't know the cause. I believe it even more now but she has grown tired and doesn't believe me.  I really just can't wait for my porn related issues to go away so that my wife and I can have a normal sex life again.

I have hope though from stories of men who it took 9 months or longer to get fully healed.  I had hoped my journey would be shorter but at 56 days I can honestly say I'm not there yet.  I just need to keep the faith.

No desire to watch porn at all.  I'm never going back. 
 
You?ve got a great level of commitment. Keep it up.

I?m not as profoundly affected as you so I believe my flatline period was very short, only 2 or 3 days, but it was very surreal. Trying so hard to keep sexual thoughts, visions, fantasies out of my head made me all the more conscious about my penis. Was the ?deadness? I felt real, or just a result of my constant fixation on whether my penis was responding to sexual thoughts? I would get morning wood almost every morning, but during the day I felt almost nothing. I was under a self-imposed 7 day stretch with no PMO, so I just asked my wife to kiss me deeply just to make sure my penis responded like it normally does.

This weekend was the end of the 7 days, but unfortunately her mood got destroyed by her job status. I was so looking forward to having sex, and with the possibility removed, I relapsed. I knew I could resist the urge to PMO if I could control when I had sex, but I didn?t account for unforeseen circumstances taking away my opportunity like that. So I?m back at Day 1.

I can only imagine the stress you?re under if she has doubts, but you must have faith in your recovery and the treatment.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
Day 58 (almost 2 months of being porn free)

Yesterday I had a business trip.  Only a day trip, no overnight stay.  I decided to use my time watching videos, mostly Gabe?s series.  What I realized was how naive I?ve been. I thought recovery would take a couple weeks, a month.  It took Gabe 9 months.  That?s ok.  It provides only more courage to proceed as things can only get better w/o porn.

I think I?m in a flatline period. I?m experiencing more frequent morning lumber but not consistent and not 100% hard.  It makes me happy when it happens.  I check out live girls at the gym but no arousal. I get excited when my wife touches me but after this weekend I?m putting that effort on hold for a while.  No MO for a while not counting with my wife this weekend.  I think all this is progress.

Gabe mentions in his videos starting with porn at the age of 8 and PMOing shortly after.  Since I am older and not introduced to high speed internet porn until later, I had hoped for a quicker recovery.  Yesterday while reflecting, I recognized that my habits go back for over 20 years when I was in the service and away from my gf.  I had high speed internet porn back then in 1997.  That?s a long time which means my brain is F?ed.  I just need to be patient.  It?s not crazy to expect my recovery to be up to a year.  I pray it?s not!
 

Free-man2018

Active Member
wow 58 days is amazing! Congratulations deadcat.
I think I'm in a flatline period too. no hard since long time, neither in the mornings. You know? I think I couldn't go to a gym to get fit because girls. I think it's too soon for me because the temptation to see them so sexy. I will try to do exercise in the street.

I think I will also need over 9 months to recover. 47 days for me. But we're going in the right direction yep.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
61 Days porn free.  That?s 2 months and two days.

A lot of flatline going on. I?ve got little arousal going on below.  Sucks!  My wife was showering tonight and I could not help but stare but was embarrassed I felt so little.

I was thinking the other day that this is my second reboot.  My first was unconscious.  I abstained from PMOing for a month before I met my current wife.  That?s why we had such great sex.  But after a while of dating, likely when she left on a trip and I was alone, I started again.  My PIED started shortly after and got progressively worse.  If only I had stayed the course.  So stupid and for nothing but fake images.  NEVER AGAIN!
 

marco_60

Active Member
I can only encourage you, Deadcat: I am much older than you (57), and I can tell you that hard reboot WORKED for me. Thus do not give up! You can not see right now, but be sure that it will work.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hey Deadcat.

I'm on day 83 of my reboot. I have zero libido. I get occasional nocturnal erections but nothing to hint at a possible end to my flatline. I tried stroking my penis yesterday to see if I could coax an erection out of it, but it just remained lifeless in my hands.

I did this to myself. No one else is to blame. There is only one person can get me out of this, myself. The way I feel right now, with day 90 only a week away, I suspect this is going to take at least 180 days and probably longer. In fact, the way my penis feels right now, I don't think I'm ever going to recover. I know that's not true because I have rebooted successfully once before. Stay strong. Try to stay positive (I know it's difficult) and just wait for your recovery.

 
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Deadcat

Guest
Thanks guys.  64 days porn free.

Again, major flatline.  Like Mousemat described, I get morning wood and erections at night but nothing during the day and especially nothing when I'd want it.  I had sex with my wife a few days ago.  It was the day before our anniversary.  I took advantage of my morning wood.  Unfortunately, I didn't last long and had to hear about it later. 

Also like Mousemat, I did this to myself and accept my consequences.  In Gabe's videos, he stated it took him 6 months to feel much and 9 before he was fully healed.  I don't know if it will take me that long but I should be prepared for it.  After more than 20 years of doing this crap to myself, 9 months isn't that long.  I just feel bad for my wife and having done this to our relationship.  She deserves better and I don't want to lose her.  Thankfully, I have a great woman who accepts me for more than our sex life.  I just know that I'm better than I've been performing.  This isn't me and I'll heal.  I love my wife and am EXTREMELY attracted to her.  In fact, the longer I'm without porn, the more attractive she gets.  I just wish I could  prove that to her.  Oh well, one day at a time.
 
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Deadcat

Guest
67 Days of No Porn

My wife and I have had a great family vacation.  Still flatlining which sucks!  Praying this goes away with time.  I find my wife as sexy as ever.  Just want to be able to prove it to her!!!

 
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Deadcat

Guest
70 Days or 2 months and 11 days w/o porn.

I might be feeling a little arousal below but not sure.  I question whether or not this reboot is working?  My mind tries to tell me it's something else but I know it's PIED and I must stay strong.

It's been a week or 8 days w/o any sex or MO.  Thinking I need at least a good month without both.  But my wife is hot and I really want sex.  But, I want good sex over what we've been having.  So I must remain strong!
 
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