New Start

Last PMO Date - 2/5/2018
Current Date ? 2/5/2018
0 days ? Porn free

2/5/2018, 10:16 PM

Back again, It?s been several months since I last posted and several month since my last serious attempt.  I?ve lost count on how many failed attempts I?ve had but I?m not focusing on the past.  I?m not even focusing on succeeding, I?m sure if I check my archieves I?ll see I?ve said this before but I?m focusing on self-improvement.  So I may not post daily but I?m going to keep a daily journal.  I hope in time my post will move away from my addiction and more to my betterment.  So hears to a new start.

You can do this.  I am on day 8 and I can say it's nice not dropping back into that prison.  THe min I feel any sort of urge to open a web browser, I put on my sweatshirt and go for a walk, or work on a hobby. Keeping the mind focused on something else really seems to help.  Keep it up man, you can get through this.  Take care.

Sickandtired said:

You can do this.  I am on day 8 and I can say it's nice not dropping back into that prison.  THe min I feel any sort of urge to open a web browser, I put on my sweatshirt and go for a walk, or work on a hobby. Keeping the mind focused on something else really seems to help.  Keep it up man, you can get through this.  Take care.

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Thanks man, i need to start walking again when i feel the urge. Will try and do that next time.

Last PMO Date - 2/5/2018
Current Date ? 2/9/2018
3 days ? Porn free

2/9/2018, 1:48 AM

Well, this week was a push for me in terms of self-progress.  I didn?t PMO, and though I did feel a slight urge I didn?t give in in the slightest.  But my diet was shit, too much junk food.  Started out fine on Monday but by Wednesday and Thursday, I was raiding the vending machine at my office.  Well, I won?t bother you too much with my diet.  I?m gearing up for the weekend as Friday through Monday are the most dangerous days for me.

Last PMO Date - 2/5/2018
Current Date ? 2/11/2018
5 days ? Porn free

2/11/2018, 11:17 AM

I used to be able to claim victory over the weekend once I made it to Sunday morning.  But it recent months this day has proven to be even more difficult.  But either way I made through Friday and Saturday night.  I wasn?t as clean as I wish as I did check out a few cam sites but I didn?t give in.  But I feel like I?m incapable of pursuing to forms of self-improvement at the same time as I stopped PMO but I?ve been eating like shit since Thursday.  As I type this the addict in me is starting to wake up and is whispering his sweet nothings in my ear right.  Right now I?m fine but Wednesday will be a challenge?

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/18/2018
0 days ? Porn free

2/11/2018, 11:17 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Well, since I last posted I relapsed twice.  I understand what the problem is, and it?s that deep down I really don?t think I want to be clean.  I think of it like a drug addict who knows that the drug are bad and he should get clean but also doesn?t think he has a problem.  It makes it hard to fight through the rough spots.  Last time I had any success I was talking to a female and there was a potential light at the end of the tunnel.  Well, that light is gone and has been gone for a couple of years now.  I?m not here to admit defeat, you can?t overcome a problem if you don?t acknowledge it.  My problem is lack of will power, and my lack of will power comes from a lack of?hope, or motivation.  I?m not sure how to generate either of those two things just yet, but going to work on that.

Oh well, not going to dwell, going to look forward.  Goals for 2/18/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No more than 300 calories from sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hours working on novel

I have to start remembering to focus on daily goals again.  Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/19/2018
1 days ? Porn free

2/19/2018, 12:03 PM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Results are in, I didn?t watch any porn and I did have more the 300 calories from sweets, but what I didn?t know before setting that goal I that nothing sweet that you find in 7-11 is under 350 calories.  But that doesn?t justify the milk shake I got as well.  But I did drop .6 pounds.  Though I don?t put stock in daily weighing, I just do it to look for trends in my weight.  I also didn?t spend an hour working on my novel last night, I got tired earlier than I expected.  So I guess I achieved 50% of my daily goals.  I did win a small battle against the urge yesterday though.  While I was thinking about my latest relapse it caused me to think about the cam sites, and for a second I thought about checking it out to see who was on, but I didn?t.  On to the next one I guess?

Goals for 2/19/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No more than 500 calories from sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel
- Spend at least 1 hour working on my web application

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/20/2018
2 days ? Porn free

2/120/2018, 8:03 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Results are in, still succeed at avoiding porn.  It?s always easy for me in the first 48.  Though yesterday was a special victory for me as I was off all day and spent most of it in front of my computer but I hardly ever thought about porn at all.  I did spend an hour working on my web app, but only 30 minutes on the novel.  Food wise, it was pretty rough, I had a little more then 500 calories from sweet and I had soda.  I didn?t even want the soda, but I went to the store hungry and just gave in.  Today should be a little easier on all front as I am back to work.  I have not reached a level yet where I view porn at work thankfully, and it?s a little easier to eat healthier there.  Limited options, limited chance to take a break to go get something bad.


Goals for 2/20/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No more than 500 calories from sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/21/2018
3 days ? Porn free

2/120/2018, 8:03 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Results are in, still succeed at avoiding porn.  Though as I write this I feel the beast beginning to wake.  Just have to stay focused.  I totally failed at my diet, like completely failed.  But it?s cool life is a battle just got to get back on the horse.  At least when I fail on my diet I don?t feel like I?ve undone weeks? worth of work.  I made good progress on my novel, and the work on my novel kept my mind focused

So to anyone wondering why I spend so much time talking about my diet or my novel there are two reasons.  One, I find the more I talk about porn and fapping the more I start to think about it, the more the images flood my mind, bringing me closer to failing.  But if I don?t hold myself accountable on a public forum then I cave as well.  Two, the goal for most people here is to replace porn with the real thing, and I learned years ago my confidence in talking to females is tied directly to my weight and physical looks.  No surprise, but the better I look the better I talk to women, the more likely I am to find a real partner and not a digital one.

Goals for 2/21/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No more than 500 calories from sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/22/2018
4 days ? Porn free

2/22/2018, 7:45 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

So, something happened this week in my attempt to diet that perfectly sums up failures at rebooting.  I got an invite from a group of friends to go to the beach in April.  It?s a facebook group so they organize these things far in advance.  Upon seeing the invite I realize I have 54 days to get in the best shape possible.  Despite the fact I had already been dieting, I decided to take a two day binge before getting serious about it.  And this is usually my mind set when it comes to porn.  Before I try to make a serious attempt at rebooting I binge, sometime for 2 days sometimes for two weeks.  If I relapse on a Saturday and the next month start in 9 days, I will binge until the new month.  Oh well, just add that to one more thing I need to work on.  As for my results from yesterday, the only thing I didn?t fail at was viewing porn, and I came SUPER close to failing at that.  I need to get all those Instagram models off of my Instagram. 

One thing I do ?love? about this process is how around day #4 I start to feel like I?ve been rebooting for awhile and I achieved something new, and then I have to remind myself it?s only been 4 days, lol.  Gotta keep my head down and never stop never stopping.

Goals for 2/21/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No more than 500 calories from sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/23/2018
5 days ? Porn free

2/23/2018, 8:19 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Here we go, it?s the weekend and I?m ready.  I mean it this time.  I?ve got a plan to handle dieting and I?m going to spend my free time this weekend writing and driving Uber.  There is a small, like 3% chance that driving Uber could be troublesome.  Some of the females I pick up are hot and wake up the beast.  I never hit on my Uber passengers so wants the beast wakes up I have a tendacy to spend the rest of the night think about porn.  But I?ve decided to give up alcohol for 30 days and that is a big part of my failures over the weekend.  I?ve officially surpassed my last reboot attempt, and just to keep my head down.  Right now, I feel strong and there is nothing pulling me to porn, just have to keep chopping these trees.

Goals for 2/23/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No more than 500 calories from sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/24/2018
6 days ? Porn free

2/24/2018, 11:33 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Friday night, done!  It went by surprisingly easy and smooth, though I wasn?t home that much so there was only about 30 minutes where I could?ve been tempted but I was too tired to even think about it.  But that?s not to say the day went by without any drama.  The ?hot chick? at my job wore a shirt that was more or less see through with a black bra underneath.  We?ve been cool for a while so I didn?t spend any more time talking to her then normal, but I just found it funny that as I get close to the 7 day point that kind of temptation is thrown at me.  I?ve reached the point during a reboot attempt where I start considering going to a strip club, I know it?s bad but the last time I did have sex it was at a strip club so I guess that may be one of the reasons the beast is sending these thoughts to my brain.  But that?s not an option this weekend anyway so I won?t worry about that now.  This is a big day for me, I?m weakest on day 7 and it?s Saturday.  Going to try and focus on writing today and walking.  May have to go for several walks to keep myself away from temptation.  Onward and upward, or something like that.

Goals for 2/24/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No more than 500 calories from sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/25/2018
7 days ? Porn free

2/25/2018, 1:03 PM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Saturday did not go as smooth as I would of liked.  I caved a little, I opened up my incognito browser and went to a web cam site, but didn?t select any girls to view.  The beast is awaken though, no denying that.  Today, I think is the first real battle day, hell as I type this the beast is whispering sweet nothings in my ear.  Today is also the day I really start focusing on my diet again, took the last couple of days off but now I?m back on the grind.  May have to go for another 2 hour walk again today, because it?s going to be a long one.

Goals for 2/25/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Congrats on hitting the week mark, man! I'm just grazing ten today, so I'm right there with you.

My suggestion from my own past failures is to avoid even the brief peeks. In earlier attempts, I thought I was ok as long as my trips to my sites were quick and I didn't act. But I think it's less about the nature of what you view or the time you spend doing it; I know that I have the particular few sites I like to check and the keywords I need to hit, almost as a brief survey just to see what's going on, and that just reinforces those neural pathways or whatever so all I need to allow myself to do the next time is open the door and inch ever closer. Just my experience, and it's one I'm working to challenge in this iteration of trying to get clean. Glad you're here and glad you're being honest!

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/27/2018
9 days ? Porn free

2/27/2018, 8:10 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

So, I missed my Monday post, but thankfully it?s not because I relapsed I just had a busy day at work.  I made it through Sunday but El Goodo made a very good point about triggering those neural pathways.  I stopped going to the cam sites but I replaced it with checking Instagram.  This is something I do once I get this far into my reboot.  I replace porn site with a non-porn site but it?s still not healing as I?m still sending those triggers to my brain.  What I need to do is clean my Instagram of all the Instagram model chicks and cam girls who use Instagram to promote their cams.  In due time I?ll get to it.  Diet went kind of okay yesterday, no sweets but I did do all-you-can-eat wings so I feel like a broke even.  Today should be a better day for my diet, hopefully that doesn?t make it a crappy day for my rebooting.


Goals for 2/27/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 2/28/2018
10 days ? Porn free

2/28/2018, 8:10 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

So, the beast is fully awake now and I fed it a little.  I start going to tumblr for the first time and that led me back to my old sites and searching pattern.  I didn?t cave in this time, but now the hard part truly begins.  This is when I have PMO?d in a while and my brain is feasting off of the images.  In the past I would spend the next couple of days viewing the sites before I finally give in.  So, I have to make sure that there is no slipping today and I?ll worry about the rest later.  The door is open and the beast is awake, I got to keep him at bay today.


Goals for 2/28/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 3/1/2018
11 days ? Porn free

3/01/2018, 8:10 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

Okay, yesterday went so much better than the preceding 3 days.  It was close to a perfect day, no porn, no juice/soda, spent an hour writing (though I had writers block so it wasn?t the most productive hour, but I did it none the less)  Only slip up was a 210 calorie bag of chocolate chip cookies from the vending machine at my job.  Not to say that yesterday was easy, there were many times last night when the beast was whispering to me.  I have to keep calling this urge to view porn the beast cause it gives me an enemy I can picture, an enemy that I can put a face on so I feel like I?m fighting something.  Sometimes it feels more like I?m denying myself something and that makes it super easy to give in during moments of weakness.  But me and this beast will be dancing for a long time from here on out.  Here to a positive and productive day today.


Goals for 3/01/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 3/2/2018
12 days ? Porn free

3/2/2018, 8:10 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

As I approach two weeks I think I?m starting to experience withdrawal syndromes, or I just really hate my job right now.  I find myself getting agitated very easily these past 3 days and I don?t know if it?s work frustration or withdrawal.  I will say last night was a tough night, I didn?t cave in at all but my mind wanted to.  At times I would find myself staring at my screen fighting with myself.  I never gave in, but this weekend will be tough.  This weekend and all of next week will be rough.  I can?t remember the last time I made it past the 2 week mark, I know the real fun is just about to begin.  I probably won?t make it much longer if I?m completely honest with myself, but I will make it through this night, and this weekend.


Goals for 3/2/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

Last PMO Date - 2/18/2018
Current Date ? 3/4/2018
14 days ? Porn free

3/4/2018, 12:25 AM

Attempt #1 ? 7 days
Attempt #2 ? 4 Days

It was not a great Saturday at all, I didn?t relapse but I wanted to.  Friday and Saturday nights seems have and continue to be a problem for me.  I checked out the cam site last night and I think the only thing stopping my from relapsing was I didn?t see anything I liked.  I guess I should chalk it up to luck but I?m not happy about it.  But no time to dwell, I didn?t fail completely so take the positive from that.  Like I?ve stated before though with my wavering in staying comes progress in my diet.  I was 299.6 last week, dropped to 295.6, so that 4 pounds. That?s more than likely water weight but seeing how I?m struggling avoiding porn these past 48 hours, going to take that victory.  Today is a trap day and I know it, but the goal remains the same. 

I know the goal to breaking porn?s hold on me is to start talking to women again but I have no confidence right now.  Like I stated earlier my confidence is tied to my weight and physical appearance.  Hopefully I can do enough positive change to my mind while I drop the way and when I do get to a weight where I feel good bout myself I?ll be further along in my reboot.

Goals remain the same for today, hopefully I can break through this writer?s block and that?ll give me something else to do.  Today shouldn?t be a problem food wise, I have the meals planned out for the day and I won?t be going to the store to tempt myself to buy sweets so I should be good on that front.  Just got to make it through today.


Goals for 3/4/2018 ?
- Don?t view any porn images
- No sweet items
- No Juice/Soda
- Spend at least 1 hour working on novel

Rome was not built in a day, I did not become who I am instantly and I won?t become who I want to be that way either.

You're here, you're telling us about what's going on and being honest, and you're bringing authentic willingness. You're doing your absolute best - that's all you can do; you're gonna slowly chip away at this thing.

Weekend nights are hard for me too. Somehow having the obligation of having to wake up for work as part of my normal routine makes my body prioritize getting rest and being a good boy. But having less strict parameters lets my mind wander and it's where some of my best relapsing has happened. Just saying I'm there too, and I get it.

Congrats on two weeks!