Author Topic: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"  (Read 19213 times)

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #225 on: August 06, 2017, 01:26:14 PM »
All better! Just one of those weeks. Letting stress get to you reallly hurts  ;D


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #226 on: August 07, 2017, 01:04:04 AM »
This is something journal worthy. I used to email this one girl a couple years ago. It was one of those almost-dated-but-didn't-actually sort of things. I used to send her my poetry. Anyway, my heart was shredded. Some of the details are probably scattered about in random entries on my journal. So, now, fast forward a couple years. A different girl who has nothing to do with the other one wants to email poetry with me. It feels wrong, like, it's enjoyable, don't get me wrong. It just sort of feels....

like I've been through that before. I got hurt last time. Maybe email poetry isn't the way to go. Who knows? Siiighhhhh........ (I actually did sigh that time haha.)

I think all the years of my heart's abuse won't let me actually have love. I had someone tell me, "It's okay for you to love." and that 'I need to tell myself that'. Love has always let me down, with only a couple exceptions.

It seems like such an oxymoron because I always talk about the healing powers of love vs P, and it's true. It's just hard to find that love in people. 

The bottom line is that a lot of the time, I don't believe in myself. I don't have the confidence to put myself out there in that way. I've never needed to, nor have I wanted to. But gosh, do I feel crippled... stagnated.... in need of someone who 'gets' me. lol.

Not to be a downer. I just had to express this somewhere. I really just don't want to grow attached to have my skeleton kicked out of my skin again. 

I'm still p, m and o free. I personally believe it's only because I'm paralyzed that I haven't caved in. As if I have some sort of righteous cause to enforce my goals... and I do, but I sometimes wonder if those reasons are the ones actually keeping me afloat or if it's for some sort of misguided attempt at avoiding narcissism through some good action to offset the self-centeredness that comes with focusing on your junk.  :P ::)

My father is a narcissist; I never want to be like him. Slander doesn't exactly help my case. I'm not trying to smear-campaign him. I'm only bringing all this up because it's one of the reasons why I've grown up with such a harsh view of relationships. I've talked about their divorce, probably a few times, but I don't think I've ever dove into their personality types and quirks. And I don't think I will. Who would want their dirty laundry aired out? (Oh, me I guess, since this is a public forum. lol) Anyway, they're both angry people. I really don't like how that anger transplants itself onto the children of divorce.

Anway, I'm rambling again.

Work hard for love, guys. Keep it up.




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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #227 on: August 09, 2017, 01:56:50 AM »
Im still good! Ive been sort of catching myself slipping lately though. I'm re-wandering the streets where I shouldn't be, getting close to old sites etc. I think I'm done with the computer for tonight. Love yall.


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PeaceOfMind062012

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #228 on: August 10, 2017, 12:59:29 PM »
Hey IAdmitItIHaveAProblem!

I've just read a few of your journal entries and found it really inspiring!

I posted this in my own thread yesterday, but I'll ask you directly: can you suggest any good blocking softwares for PC that are effective and possibly free? Have you used them at all? Have you found them to be effective?

I think I'm going to try hardmode after reading some of your entries. I've also found hardmode to be really helpful and healing.

Keep up the good work!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #229 on: August 10, 2017, 06:32:35 PM »
Hey! Still P free. Hard mode still active.


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #230 on: August 11, 2017, 04:29:47 PM »
Bouncing back from MO is the toughest thing hardest thing! Literally! Just kidding. Hey, you're on a graphic forum, take a joke  ;)

Still good on no P tho!



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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #231 on: August 12, 2017, 07:23:20 PM »
The world is so sick right now.


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #232 on: August 13, 2017, 01:16:29 AM »
Every night is like, why am I even doing this. Every single night. It's tough sometimes. I'm fine, Ill be fine, it's just very lonely. *cue owl hooting and wolf howling amidst the silent chirp of crickets*


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #233 on: August 16, 2017, 12:06:00 AM »
I'm officially in trouble because she HAS MY HEART NOW! I can't stand it! I love it I HATE IT. SIghhhhh

 >:( ;D >:( ;D :'( :-\ ??? ::) ;D

PMO free still!


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #234 on: August 17, 2017, 10:15:36 PM »
Im still good. No PMO! Yay Yay YAY!


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #235 on: August 18, 2017, 02:19:28 AM »
Now, here's a tough one. No pmo, but I did actually see some bad stuff today. Not actual P, but it was pretty racy stuff. Went to an old site I used to like, browsed for a bit, but then I closed out. I didn't pmo, mo, or o. I am really disappointed with myself though. I've gone so long without so much seeing anything bad, and I let my starving eyes get the better of me. That's not to say I'm totally defeated, but it is definitely a set back for me mentally and emotionally.


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andante

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #236 on: August 18, 2017, 03:10:24 AM »
Hey man that was great though: you had the willpower to exit although you were facing content, that's strong willpower! Honestly, it's good, feel proud about being able to say "no thank you, don't need this".   ;D Really you shouldn't feel bad!



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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #237 on: August 18, 2017, 10:14:46 PM »
@vince75

Thanks a lot man, it means so much to me. I actually came back to your comment several times through the day when I started feeling guilty. I'll still probably have some guilt for the next couple of days, but you sure helped me out. Much love, thank you my friend!



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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #238 on: August 20, 2017, 12:09:53 PM »
Im still reeling from the shock of a couple days ago, I feel mildly guilty still. I knew I was better than that, but it still feels like such a hindrance to my progress.

I know it's healthier to just shake it off, and I have for the most part, but it's still lingering. Healing and patience are sooo hard sometimes.


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #239 on: August 22, 2017, 03:39:56 PM »
One thing that I've always had a problem with is that im a health nut. It is in fact a problem because I started looking up recipes for better male fertility. Those threads tend to be very graphic. So anyway, I'm still on the wagon, but it's easy to rationalize, "Well gee, this isn't p so it's okay" when the fact is that I still have this rotten root of a character inside of me that cares about being like those actors in those explicit movies.

I'm not trying to have a baby, I have no need to focus on my fertility. I think that's what bugs me the most because on days like this, it makes me remember just how deeply my behavior has been affected by P and MO through the years. It's painful to think about, and it's embarrassing and shameful for me.

pmo free!


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #240 on: August 24, 2017, 07:21:43 PM »
Wow I've made some stupid decisions recently. Including but not limited to:

Paying extra for my first traffic ticket
Ruining my favorite pair of expensive pants in the wash
Not moving forward in a positive life direction


BUT I'm not going back to P. Not an option.


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #241 on: August 27, 2017, 12:52:38 PM »
still good, no p.
I'm sort of having a mental breakdown again, it kinda happens every couple months..... its not a bad one, it's just emotionally harsh. Life is much tougher without pmo because you're face to face with your problems instead of avoiding them. I'm sad today, but not explicitly sad. Just very empty again.

I KNOW I KNOW I've been so negative on here lately, but I really don't have anywhere else to dump all this baggage without coming across needy, pretentious, or dramatic.



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andante

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #242 on: August 27, 2017, 03:46:19 PM »
I have those as well (mental breakdowns that come every couple of months), I usually try to sit down and write everything I'm feeling down, how I got there, why I feel weird/sad/emotional and then be prospective: see what I can do to get out there :) They're part of my life cycle I'm sure.
Be brave! It'll go away, it's a call for you to get out there, see people and connect once you settled things a bit.



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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #243 on: August 28, 2017, 05:07:00 PM »
@vince75

Thanks man! that's good advice. I'll have to do that.


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #244 on: August 30, 2017, 02:51:34 PM »
Hey! I'm just checking in. Letting stuff go, etc. Im cool today. It's been a minute.


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #245 on: August 31, 2017, 07:32:19 PM »
Had a mo reset! (Again)!


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andante

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #246 on: September 01, 2017, 07:12:53 AM »
Hey man. It's ok, but try to get out of that vicious circle, how do you usually do it?



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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #247 on: September 03, 2017, 12:47:06 AM »
@vince75

thanks man! I usually get out of the circle by completely exhausting my physical energy and then resting for an obscenely long time.



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PeaceOfMind062012

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #248 on: September 05, 2017, 01:00:50 AM »
 Dude! It's totally fine if you want to come on here and vent  about all your life's shit! This is exactly the place to do it :-) I feel so blessed that I can express things on here that I can't really do in my regular life so feel free to share with us anything you want! If it's super private maybe private message one of us but for just regular life  things feel free to post whatever you want on here :-) we've got your back!
Never stop healing!

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #249 on: September 05, 2017, 01:31:46 PM »
@peaceofmind062012 Thanks! I'll keep complaining to you then  ;)


Still PMO free. Something has occurred to me. I don't think that love is typically a head over heels sort of thing that completely blows you away. I find myself more emotionally involved with this girl who is just someone I'm cool with as opposed to 'the girl of my dreams' which seemed to be a perfectly idealized rendition of somebody that I had glamorized because she was so 'perfect' in my mind. P really does mess with how love is supposed to be. It's a scary world we live in. And I know nofap isn't about getting the girl, but it sure helps you view things through a different light, that inextricably includes women.

I'm really thankful for nofap. It's really helping me to become the man that I've always been trying to be, in spite of set backs. What's life without setbacks anyway?

Well. I'll be back soon.

I wish I had more news for you. I've honestly still been very stressed out. At least I know why I'm stressing and can do stuff about it. Still need to summon the motivation I need to actually pin my nose to the grindstone and do it.

Love all of the support, you're doing great things over here when you participate in other peoples journals with positivity. Keep up the hard work guys.


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