Here goes nothing..

I'm a 31yo male. My 5 year relationship ended a couple of months ago and I can only guess it is because of the lack of intimacy due to watching P. It's only today that I've realised just how much it affected my relationship. I thought I just wasn't into her, and well perhaps I wasn't 100% into her but compared to what I was like in my youth that shouldn't have been an issue.
I had my first invite over for a netflix date last night and it was the weirdest experience. I was able to get up initially when mucking around but went down shortly after. I've been on and off chasing this girl for months. I'm gutted. I don't know if I'll get another chance. It's especially difficult as my last partner gave me the gift that keeps on giving and the shame I feel from that is compounded by my P use.. they feed off each other.
P has always been my go to. When I was younger I was very depressed and often considered suicide. P was the go to that stopped me from following through many, many times. It's hard to want to end it when you get that rush after the PMO. After being r***ed  at 18 my P tastes changed dramatically and so did the associated behaviours that came with it. Over the years I have watched Everything. I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I'm scared.
I don't really know how this is going to go but I know it's going to be difficult. I tried to stop about a month ago and managed 5 days before I lost. It was incredibly hard. I was so fired up after 4 days that I felt like I could or would do socially unacceptable things just to get the rush. It was like after those few days my brain was ready to dump all the endorphins ever onto me and all it wanted me to do was touch someone or something. My drive went through the roof in those 4 days and I didn't know how to handle it.. on the 5th I caved.
I've been using P and P-subs since I was 12 years old. I think this has been a problem for me a lot longer than I have had any inkling of. I've only even considered it might be an issue for <12 months.
I have no idea how I'm going to get through this. I need to do this. I'm scared.

Day #1 was a failure. Day #1 tomorrow will be different. Saw too many attractive girls today, not that I could do anything with them. Made a bad choice at the beginning of the day that meant it was over from the start. Binged and PMO'd twice. Feel weak and powerless. Going to see an old friend tomorrow so hopefully that will get me through day one. I'm also going to make some workout equipment (chin up bar) which should hopefully help tomorrow and in future.

10 days since getting serious about my need to stop and I've managed 3 days without. Not consecutively though unfortunately. I can get through a day ok but it seems like the more I try to withhold the harder I binge. I've learned in the last 10 days that both getting drunk and being hungover are big triggers for me. I've also noticed that my usage is sometimes but not always preceded by thoughts of worthlessness and shame about myself. I've also noticed that it is often preceded by a burst of energy that may or may not be anxious/nervous in nature. Lack of sleep and too much caffeine also seem to set me off. Like when I'm tired but I have had so much coffee that I can't sleep. I'm going to try not drinking and see how that goes. I have also noticed that I feel massively disconnected from reality and the people around me at the moment. Can't seem to hold proper conversations or relate to people properly. I have a bit of a date this week and I guess I need it to go well in order to not have the thoughts of worthlessness but perhaps I need it to not go well and combat the thoughts.. I'm not sure. Que sera sera. I have the want, I just need to follow through a bit more and fight the thought patterns that lead me. I'm not going to berate myself too much if I rub one out without watching. I still see that as a win of sorts. I think I will have to at some stage to stop myself from going insane.

Goals for this week:
at least 3 consecutive days
learn something new
make something useful or decorative
no drinking
no smoking(?)

Just been on YBOP for the last few hours and it all makes sense - not sure why I didn't go there sooner. It doesn't fill me with confidence in my ability but it does provide a window of hope. The articles I found most interesting and useful were the ones around conditioning and so forth. I even found a couple of articles where guys had the same 'fetish' as me and were able to kick it - and what's better is that they returned to normal after a period!

I'm going to read up on some mindfulness techniques and practices to help me get through the next few days or so and see what I come up with. I'm going to draw up a bit of a routine to help me get through the parts where I'm home alone and feeling the temptation. Something that I can fall back on when I'm feeling weak.

Day 5 - Fuck yeah! Can't believe the difference! Mindfulness practices helping but I don't use them as much as I thought. Decided to stay at a mates house with no wifi for the last week just to get me started. I'm already starting to regain some of my mojo. Feel like I have some power now over the issue and maybe even the decision to choose - I choose no! It's not been an easy week but removing the temptation to help get me started I think is what has made the difference so far. Today has been a bit of a struggle but I'm winning and I'm going to keep doing it
Honestly think not drinking is helping as well as cutting down my caffiene usage.
#Powertothepeople #rebootnation

Noodle,

I think mindfulness and mediation can get you a long way. They are another way to re-wire your brain. Using and understanding what they are capable of is helping me focus on the brain changing part of rebooting and the positives that go with it. As opposed to focusing on the negative of what you're giving up.

Keep it up.

Thanks Digga - I'm still practising it, man it helps. Especially when I'm feeling really randy it just helps me to center myself and regain control. I may have to do it a couple of times but it works!

I failed the two days following my last post but here I am at Day #3 again and feeling good. I still have some on my computer.. I don't want to delete it because I need to know that I can beat the temptation. Once I'm confident in saying no to it then I'll remove it. I f**ked up because I booted up my other computer and there was still like 100 tabs open from my last binge session and I just had to look didn't I?

Onwards and upwards! Here's to day #4!

no0dle said:

I failed the two days following my last post but here I am at Day #3 again and feeling good. I still have some on my computer.. I don't want to delete it because I need to know that I can beat the temptation. Once I'm confident in saying no to it then I'll remove it. I f**ked up because I booted up my other computer and there was still like 100 tabs open from my last binge session and I just had to look didn't I?

Onwards and upwards! Here's to day #4!

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My opinion is you need to delete everything right now. If you were addicted to a drug or substance, step 1 would be flushing that garbage down the toilet. I completely understand the mindset of "having to beat it" and be "stronger than my addiction." I've said them to myself. However, subconsciously you're keeping it around because you like it around and you're setting yourself up to fail. The act itself of deleting it is part of recovering, a step forward. Take a look in the mirror. Tell yourself you can beat the temptation and take that step forward.

There is enough temptation everywhere else to practice saying "no" to. Delete everything you can control and write about it here. I'll wait.

How's it going Noodle? Are you still on the same streak as your last post?