The battle for our brains!

Hello Reboot Nation!
I'm happy to have found this forum of people who have taken the first step in the battle- recognizing the problem!

I'm 35 years old and have a very similar story to Gabe's and many others I've read on here.  I started masturbating around age 11. At first it was only to thoughts in my mind, then I found nude pictures in magazines and then of course internet porn.  I wish I knew then what I know now.

When I was in high school I remember my dad telling me his philosophy about the 3 major traps in this world- money, sex and drugs.  It was easy for me to understand how money(debt or the love of it) and drugs(addiction that could possibly lead to death) could be potential pitfalls in life.
When it came to sex it seemed even more obvious that sex could lead to babies(which I knew I was ready for) or STD's(which could potentially ruin my sex life all together).

So I was lucky to have my dad point out some of the obstacles ahead of me.  I just needed to navigate life to avoid these major pitfalls.  At the time(around 16-18yrs old) the only problem I had with money was that I didn't have any, so that wasn't a big issue.  I was educated by my family and teachers about drugs and it seemed pretty obvious how they were not the answer to anything.  The answer to the sex obstacle seemed the easiest of them all because I already had "the answer"...I would just masturbate and not worry about sex until I was older and ready(Not that any girls wanted to have sex with me anyways).  So the sex problem was solved...I was definitely not going to get a girl pregnant or get an STD from masturbating by myself.

For the next 15 years I masturbated to internet porn on a regular basis.  I don't remember how frequent it was because I didn't see it as a problem.  It was something I did in private,  I was never proud of it and never talked about it with friends.  Masturbating was just something I did, like biting my finger nails or picking my nose- I wasn't hurting anyone.  Over those 15yrs I lost my virginity and had sex a few times, but never dated or had a seriously relationship(probably for the best looking back).

In 2014 I got married and still was watching porn and masturbating on a regular basis.  My wife didn't know and I can honestly say I still had not recognized this as a problem.

**I want to sidetrack here to explain that in 2014 I was sucked into the political realm. Obamacare cost me $600 for not having health insurance and I couldn't help but begin to educate myself on politics and the greater world around me. So I started asking family and looking into the political landscape which often brought me to Youtube for political debate videos.

In 2016, my wife and I were getting our lives on track and wanted to start a family and have kids. So in an effort to save money and be more productive in our lives, we decided to ditch cable TV.  We officially unplugged cable right after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series in late 2016.  Also in late 2016, Trump won the presidency and the political world was now impossible to escape(especially on Facebook).

So before the end of 2016 my wife and I became pregnant and we were due to be parents in August of 2017.  We still didn't have cable tv, so I was still on Youtube a lot.  In December of 2016, I watched a Youtube video by a political commentator/comedian named Gavin McInnes. He was talking about how important dads are to families and to society in general.  In the video, he went through the different ways men are needed and how many are failing their wives and kids. He joked "make fathers great again!" and then gave a few ways to be better husbands and fathers(and better men in general).  He then brought up how porn and masturbating are NOT helping anyone be a better husband or father.  He issued a challenge to quit watching porn and masturbating for 10 days.  I was not convinced of anything at the time, but his challenge stayed on my mind the next time I masturbated.

2017 had just begun and I decided to take the 10-day challenge to not watch porn or masturbate.  I don't remember how many days I lasted the first time I tried, but I couldn't make it 10 days.  It opened my eyes to the problem that I was addicted to porn/masturbating. 

Throughout 2017 I struggled in silence and the shame I felt was terrible when I relapsed over and over again. A whole year went by and my longest streak was just over 3 weeks.  I remember New Years Day 2018 and wanting to be done with porn and masturbating. *In hindsight, 2017 was not a failure but the beginning of something great. I probably masturbated about 50 times in 2017 and that was down from about 200-250 times in 2016. So a major improvement from the past, but I still was not where I wanted to be.

2018 started and I was committed to quitting porn and masturbation, but I didn't know how to do better.  I had watched videos on YouTube from many different NoFappers and read books such as Jordan Person's 12 Rules for Life.  I learned a lot about addiction, psychology and how our brains work.  I learned about the power of words and truth and knew I had to talk to someone about my problem. But who?
The answer scared me to death- to tell my wife I'm addicted to porn. 

**Sidenote- my wife is amazing and has a history and great knowledge of addiction and recovery from addiction.

I had so many opportunities to tell her over the
next 6 month's but couldn't pull the trigger.  I was continually relapsing after anywhere from 5 to 25 days. It had been a year and a half of trying and I never made it past 25days.

In August we went on a short vacation to North Carolina and I was on a 2 week streak at the time. The last day of our vacation we woke up in our hotel and my wife left for coffee at a Starbucks.  She left the room and I relapsed before she got back.  The shame was weighing on me bad and I felt like a failure, again.

*Sidenote- I'm a Christian and prayed to God/Jesus to take this addiction from me many times.  I still believe God can work miracles in our lives, but I think God needed me to do the work. And as a believer I've always felt God is watching over me.  Its weird, but I've always seen hawks soaring above me or sitting on light posts at times when God is speaking to me.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is something I've noticed and felt for years avid have told many people including my wife.

Well that day in North Carolina we went shopping and then decided to go hiking through a state park.  We picked a trail that would be about an hour hike. It was a beautiful day and we were able to just walk and talk.  My wife still was unaware of my struggle with porn/masturbating, but my mind could not think of anything else but wanting to overcome this terrible addiction.  We were somewhere in the middle of a state park forest, pretty dense with trees and I was fighting with myself to just tell my wife.  Opportunities to tell her came and went while walking when at a small clearing I spotted a hawk up in a tree.  I didn't point it out to my wife, but definitely felt it was God watching over us.  The words were on the tip of my tongue for the last 6 months or more, but I still couldn't get the words out.  We continued walking(away from the hawk) and I still didn't say what I wanted and when we were about 50 yards away from the hawk I looked back for it and see it soaring through the tree branches until it lands on a tree ahead of us just off the trail.  We both saw it and stopped in amazement.

I couldn't help but feel that God was watching over me and telling me to trust Him.  I don't remember the exact words, but I poured out my heart about my struggles and everything I had learned about porn addiction and how I've been struggling to stop for good.

By the grace of God, my wife was understanding and we were able to talk about everything. She had a lot of questions, but was overall supportive and wanted to help me quit porn for good.  The weight/shame/guilt I felt was greatly reduced, but now I had a partner to help me.  I was on day 0, but it felt different this time.

I am starting 2019 and am currently on a streak of 139 days. It has still been difficult and I still very much need to use all the different tactics and stay vigilant against my brain.

In 2019, I want to continue my streak and would love to be able to help others along the way.

Thanks for reading my story!  I know it was long, but I feel like I could write so much more about the battle for our brains!

Good luck to you all in 2019!

Allinya

To summarize my long initial post...
I started watching porn around age 11 and it took me until age 33 to have my eyes open to the problem.  Once I knew I had to stop, I struggled and struggled and relapsed and relapsed.  All by myself with no one else knowing what I was going through.  Finding guys on YouTube helped me out a lot.  Knowing a community like this exists proves to me that WE are on the right track.

Please know that I still struggle and have urges at times even after 140 days.

Here are my tips for success:
1. H.A.L.T - this is an acronym used in many addiction programs and definitely applies to my journey.
Hunrgry-Angry-Lonely-Tired, whenever we feel any of these things(especially in combination with each other) we are in danger of relapse!  Recognize these feelings and address them before going back to old habits. HALT your plans to PMO.
2. Reduce internet/social media use.  Facebook is a big trigger for me.  I've found myself creeping on random girls pictures and that has led to relapse to porn.  I would suggest deleting some apps, especially in the beginning of your journey.  Also, get a porn blocker such as Covenant Eyes.
3. Find an accountability partner. Either on here or through Covenant Eyes app.
4. Tell someone close to you!  It took me forever to build up the courage to tell my wife.  I kept thinking I would get PMO under control and then tell her about the problem I used to have.  It didn't work that way for me.  After telling my wife, it was in the open and she was very supportive.  I'll say I chose my words very carefully and stressed that she was not the cause and it was NOT her fault.

Good luck to all in your journey!

Hey Allinya,
Welcome. I can relate to so much of your story. I too got married while still using porn. I think I stopped for a while after getting hitched then continued on the progression to high speed internet porn with consequences manifesting in the last few years. Re: Sidenote- I also believe God is watching over us and have felt shame and guilt for this masturbation/porn habit for many years. Even that wasn?t enough to make me stop. Pretty sad. I grew up in the church but have drifted. That?s another issue for another day I guess, ending this porn stuff is the pressing one right now. Rock bottom was last year, no one definitive event but several instances of ED made me search for answers online and found this site and Your Brain On Porn. Like you I was delaying telling my wife but it finally happened after about 9 months of no PMO and was a great relief.
Anyway, welcome again and know you?re not alone on this journey.

Hey Edit_Undo,
Thanks for your reply.  I hope you can find a church together that you can find God and community to grow in. Remember that this world is fallen, but we can be a light to others!  This whole Reboot Nation is a great example of that!
Best of luck to you and your wife.

Thanks.  And yes, it was great to find such a helpful community. How?s this week treating you?

I've been good. I'm trying to gain the courage to speak out to people in real life about the epidemic that is porn. I'm fairly certain that the large majority of men masturbate to porn on a regular basis and don't think twice about it.
There are several guys on Youtube that helped me a lot, including Gabe from Reboot Nation.  I really admire their courage and to help others.
I've been thinking about writing a book or starting my own Youtube channel. 
First I think I need to tell the rest of my family(parents/siblings- I'm the youngest of 4).
I hope the further away from PMO I get I'll gain the confidence to speak out.
I hope your doing well!

Allinya83 said:

*Sidenote- I'm a Christian and prayed to God/Jesus to take this addiction from me many times.  I still believe God can work miracles in our lives, but I think God needed me to do the work.

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I've prayed many times for it to be taken away too but that never seemed to work. In faith, there are certain things that are a mystery and I guess this is one of them and no one can truly why it happens.

It's good to hear your wife is being supportive, you're blessed to be married to a woman like that. 

Prayer does work, but ultimately you have to align your intention with God's (I use the word as it is given), prayer helps you to make that alignment, it also helps you to forgive yourself and others, I can recite the Jesus prayer continuously for an hour, and the first time I did that I stopped PMO for three months, now I am past seven months no PMO and almost six months no P. Different prayers have different alignments owing to the various associations and attachments you may have to the words and even the sounds alone, I'm still not sure what the difference between a prayer and a mantra is or an affirmation and a prayer or an intonation and a prayer or an oath and an intonation or even a curse or a swear, the difference may be just form but slightly more than semantics, I don't know, only the latter is to be avoided except in circumstances of self-defence, and even then it is preferable to not use such things. My problem with the Jesus prayer remains my understanding of what or who the name "Jesus" refers to, I am still far to confused about that to say that I am even approaching being Christian in the Orthodox view of the word. Ultimately intention is not the main arbiter but choice. I hope you can have the courage and faith to make the choice of the path free from PMO from now on. Thank you.

Georgos said:

Prayer does work, but ultimately you have to align your intention with God's (I use the word as it is given), prayer helps you to make that alignment, it also helps you to forgive yourself and others, I can recite the Jesus prayer continuously for an hour, and the first time I did that I stopped PMO for three months, now I am past seven months no PMO and almost six months no P.

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Honest prayers help. But a small warning from verse 7, just before "the Jesus prayer" in Matthew 6. The words are not magic, it's more about understanding by heart what they really mean.
Be specific, pray about triggers, pray about wanting to quit. Just as you would talk with your own father when you needed him to help.

Allinya83 said:

I'm a Christian and prayed to God/Jesus to take this addiction from me many times.  I still believe God can work miracles in our lives, but I think God needed me to do the work.

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He respects you and will not do anything unless you want him to. For me I realized I really did not want to quit.