Failing to stop for years, thread to keep me accountable

ruuddejong

Active Member
Hello,

I am 32, married for 4 years, have a son around 1 year old. Our sex life has been terrible in the last 2-3 years due to my addiction. She has no idea and she thinks I do not find her attractive. She is actually 10/10, while I am at best 7/10. Everyone is staring at her in street, in malls etc, but because of my addiction, I never initiate sex, if she eventually does it, it takes me a while get hard and then I can actually keep it and we can both cum, so while I can maintain erection, I cannot get hard by hugging her or kissing her etc.

I have been using porn since teenager years, I realized that it is an addiction about 2-3 years ago, I had period where I didn't use it at all for 2 months and things got considerably better but then I got back to it somehow. Since then max 2-3 weeks I can go. I have read many posts on this website, finally decided to join and start my own thread.

Since there is no one else in the world, that knows about my addiction, I need at least some thread to keep myself accountable.

So this is the attempt, and this is day 1.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
I should note that we have not had sex for almost a month, so soon I will have to do it - so during this no PMO, I will hopefully be having sex with my wife. I understand that may stall the progress, but I cannot just not have sex with her for 3 or more months.

Lastly, I have considerably decreased PMO in the last months, it is about 1-2 times a week lately, but it still has massive effect on my libido and my libido is a total mess. So I have to quit - decreasing frequency actually does not help much.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 1 was relatively easy - I was at work and then went home to chill with wife and kid and then watched Ozark for like 3 hours after wife and kid went to sleep (this is usually when I PMO). So I will just keep myself busy with shows or work if I am not sleepy. If I am, I will go to bed with them.

Day 2 started relatively well, no mood swings or fog so far. I used to have really strong ones but I think since I decreased the frequency considerably lately, the fog and anger also got mild.
 

imaquitter

Active Member
Welcome!
Try to find the courage to talk to your wife about why it's difficult. She'll understand! Such beauty should not be taken for granted. Important to take care of her emotional needs. We have been desensitized by porn and can easily push our most loved ones away!

Stay strong, you can do it!
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Thanks for the kind words! To me, telling my wife about the problem is a non-starter and it will definitely end up she wanting to leave me. I cannot take that risk - I did this to myself and her, and it is up to me to clean the mess without burdening her with it.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Where I work, there are many good looking girls that walk around to have lunch, they are always a trigger for me and hard to not look at them. Today I have been doing perfectly at work, until I went to lunch and saw bunch of hot girls, tried hard to not stare at them as usual and got some brain fog afterwards, now I am back to work and I am fine. No relapse/ Later I am going to gym, another place with lots of triggers, but I will resist the temptation and report back later.
 
Hey Ruddejong, I can relate to your story in terms of your situation with your wife. I've had the courage to finally tell her and she did understand, although partly she did since she was herself addicted to porn at one point, and she understood the severity of the situation. That said, I can understand your fears... With my previous relationship, none of what I told her was understood and it only made things worse.

I hope you find ways of dealing with urges such as at the gym without stressing yourself! Keep strong!
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
TakeBackControl said:
Hey Ruddejong, I can relate to your story in terms of your situation with your wife. I've had the courage to finally tell her and she did understand, although partly she did since she was herself addicted to porn at one point, and she understood the severity of the situation. That said, I can understand your fears... With my previous relationship, none of what I told her was understood and it only made things worse.

I hope you find ways of dealing with urges such as at the gym without stressing yourself! Keep strong!

Thanks. The thing is, I already betrayed her trust once (many years ago when we were dating) and it took me years to gain her trust again. That is why, I cannot do it again. I used the wild card already.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 2 was a little more difficult than Day 1, as mentioned lots of triggers and some brain fog and some tendency to fantasize, but I consciously stopped it as soon as I noticed.

It is Day 3. Going to gym again today. While gym gives me some triggers, it also makes me quite tired (and relaxed) which helps me to stay away from PMO.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 3 went well. Usual routine - work, gym, home to play with the kid, hangout with wife, watch tv shows after wife and kid go to bed.

Day 4 today. I did oogle some women as "scan and stare" is my natural instinct by now, but as soon as I noticed, I made myself look somewhere else.

Oh, I woke up with a morning wood and it felt like I could cum even without touching it IF I just fantasized about something. It was weird.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Any suggestions on how to stop ogling? I just can't stop scanning a crowd and then focusing on the hottest one. IF I see a hot woman who is not wearing a bra (ie pokies) I can literally chase and walk around for hours (I don't but I could if I knew she wouldn't notice). This cannot be healthy.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 4 also went relatively well. Went to bed with wife so I didn't have time to do anything else anyway.

Today Day 5.

I have to say that, just writing this every day gives me that little push I needed. Whenever my mind slightly drifts, I am telling myself "you don't wanna go type in your thread that you relapsed". As stupid as it sounds, it does help me stay on track.
 

Andy9120

Active Member
Mate I feel exactly the same. Earlier this year I rebooted and lasted over 50 days which was a major achievement for me.

One of the hardest moments that I had was the moment when I had to type on here that I failed. 

Sounds like you are doing amazing and that we are at similar phases of our reboot.  We can both be proud when we get to days 10, then 50 then 100. Please keep up the good work you are doing amazing.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 8 today - still no major issues and had some morning wood yesterday and the previous day.

I am not sure if I am in a flatline or not. I never have urges to have sex with wife anyway, so I guess I will never know if I am in a flatline or not, until those urges come back, which make take months as far as I understand... And with porn or subs, I can get aroused anytime, but I am not testing it and will not test it. Test will definitely lead to failure.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Oh I forgot to write - I went to see a urologist last week, gave blood to do a testosterone test. Mostly to gain time and excuse for my wife, but also it doesn't hurt to find out if all is fine or not. Let's see.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 10 - Had some terrible headaches yesterday and today - but woke up with a welcoming morning wood. I vaguely remember but I think I had a wet dream (not literally wet of course haha).

I am starting to believe that I can do this.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 11 - other than getting dopamine rush whenever I see a hot girl that I used to ogle, I am doing fine. No intention or attempt to look at P or M at all.

I will do this.
 

ruuddejong

Active Member
Day 16! The weekends are usually easy - not much alone time to do anything, although I never needed alone time to do it, so it is still a success. Did not have any morning wood in the last 4-5 days except this morning finally a semi wood.
 
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