Andy's 90 Day Journal...

Starting a journal for my 90 quest, if this is an inappropriate place for this, please let me know. Same applies if there is TMI, I feel like documenting my journey with my peers is good way to stay accountable. Feel free to provide feedback if you would like. Any love is good.

10/8/2018 12:53 PM

Day one...

Fairly Easy so far, I have my lady put a restrictions pass code on my phone. This is temporary. The reason for this is because often times even at work id find myself running to the bathroom to look at pin sites...Not healthy. So thats what the restrictions code is for.  To break the habit.

At work now actually, On break researching and reading some more about this. I listened to a few podcasts as well regarding rebooting.

Last night, I was attempting to begin being intimate with my lady. I was holding back a lot for a couple of reasons. Number one, it was about 12:30 AM...trying different variations of foreplay this late at night...I was not sure if I could go " All the way" So to speak. For fear of disappointment... But I was also in the mindset of " Dont start something you can't finish...which persuaded me to continue...which led to disappointment and a crushing anxious depression that kept me up until 3 am....then woke up at 7 am...

Sooo I havent really slept...but thats ok, Still motivated. Cooked breakfast with my lady this morning and we both went our separate ways. I used the hour of alone time in the house to watch a Gabe Deen video on youtube.
 
10/9/2018  8:53 am

Day 2

Day one was a success and pretty easy...but I have been here before. Headed to the gym here in a sec...also going to start doing Yoga twice a week with a friend of mine...I think this will pair nicely with meditation.

Had another difficult conversation with the lady last night. I sometimes feel like the small victories for myself are undermined by the grand picture of things in her eyes sometimes. A good day for me can be ruined by skepticism and doubt from her. I understand it, given my track record. I have made promises to change in the past only to fall to weakness. I asked for her support and love through this hard process...I believe I have it....words mean nothing at this point, only actions.

There are a lot of things I have been reading about how porn addiction and frankly addiction in general can cause a lot of other things with the mind. Laziness...Finding excuses to not do things that are good for you. Procrastination, depression, anxiety, feelings of uselessness...I have all these things. Sometimes I am so afraid to commit to anything for fear of failing. But I know that failure is the best tool for learning. I think all of these things I see in myself can be directly attributed to this porn thing....which is why I am making this conscious effort to stay vigilant about my reboot.

This is only Day 2...I already feel even just the slightest bit better. I have not tried anything Sexual with my lady yet, so I have ot tested the waters at all....Do any of you suggest staying away from sexual behavior for a small time during the reboot process?

Thanks

10/9/2018
10:44 AM

Gym was good, I forgot to mention one other thing I am also going to attempt during this process. I am going to abstain from Alcohol and other substances. I think that this will also improve my results of less depression/anxiety and sexual function. This will be hard for me as I love beer...I use alcohol as social lubricant and usually I go overboard with it on the weekends....and wake up feeling like shit and even more depressed. So that will stop.

Headed to work now. Peace
 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
"Do any of you suggest staying away from sexual behavior for a small time during the reboot process?"[/i]

Hey Andy. In my experience, having no sex for 10-15 days is a good idea. This works if your partner is comprehensive. In my case she wasn't. I was in a toxic relationship, she was selfish and she treated me like trash if I did not satisfy her sexually. After leaving her i finally found peace and my recovery goes well. She did not know i was in a rebooting, because we did not have enough confidence. So, you're lucky to have her support.
 
Thanks, I was thinking of abstaining for a period of time. Just so to cause no disappointment...My lady is understanding but she has needs you know? I don't want to engage her with her having the expectation of me getting full on BOOM...I love doing all of the other stuff that comes with it. I'm treading some weird waters with this. But I think I should lay out the fact that there should not be any expectations right at the beginning of the Reboot...I think she is still skeptical of this process and unsure of what it is. I showed her the site yourbrainonporn.com, I told her that the success stories of countless men are the driving force behind my motivation...but we haven't Actually sat down together to look at them. Perhaps I will do this tonight.
 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
Buddy, thanks for all the things you're sharing. It's important that she undertands what is the true meaning of "reboot". Rebooting is related to sexual life, and, as you may know, your sexual perception becomes better as you reboot. But it doesn't guarantee -in a 100%- that your sexual life will be amazing after reboot, it depends on other things. I hope everything goes well for you tonight. 
 
I understand there are a lot of other things that go along with a healthy relationship/sexual relationship. This has been the only obstacle in ours in our two years of being together. This is also the first time I have ever had this issue with someone. I know its not and attraction issue, shes drop dead sexy to me. I think this issue with our sex life has just built up a callous over the course of our two years. I know that I also have a lot of other things to work on for myself, and my mentality right now is that if I can overcome this, then I can do anything. This is one of the hardest things I have had to face in my life....ugh, I feel so privileged  saying that. But everyone has their problems. Some people have heroin, some have cigs and booze....I have a problem with unlimited access to sexual stimulation wherever and whenever I want...Which is just as damaging to the psyche. 

I even hate the Porn industry. Morally it does not bode well with me in the slightest. I have always had respect for women...I have never treated them like objects...and being 30, I have only ever had 4 sexual relationships in my life. So not only am I addicted to the over stimulation that porn induces...I have a moral objection to it. I assume most men who are here on this path do as well.

But like I have been reading, High speed Internet porn has been apart of my life as long as I can remember...it can re-wire the brain...especially younger brains...

Anyway Im ranting at this point, thanks for listening, and for your input.
 
10/10/2018 1:20 PM

Day 3

Success so far, Having slight urges. Woke up this morning and felt a little bit different. Felt like just the sensation of cuddling in bed and soft kissing was enough to perk me up down there a little bit. Had a really constructive talk with my lady this morning. She and I are going to try to abstain from actively trying to engage in sex...If it happens, it happens and thats good. We talked about pressure building up, and also the build up of sexual energy. I let her know my goal of 90 days without PMO...I was more honest with her this morning about this than I ever have been. It felt really good to get it off my chest and out in the open. She and I agreed on a 15 day period of no sexual engagement. We both agreed to the date at which my counter begins which was 3 days ago.

I am going to schedule a session with a therapist...just to get some insight. I am a little weary of it though, I have read about generational gap with therapists...apparently a lot of them don't even know about the phenomenon of PIED.

It feels really good to be tackling this. This is around the time I usually relapse. I have pretty strong urges...but at the same time, i feel healthier down there.


10/10/2018 4:53 PM

Scheduled an appointment with a therapist for Friday...Should be good.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Seems like youre already seeing some good results after only 3 days! Also its great that your lady is being supportive about it. It might be a tough 15 days for you both, but after it she`ll be gagging for it and itll be so much better because you abstained!
 
Reformed Fapper said:
Seems like youre already seeing some good results after only 3 days! Also its great that your lady is being supportive about it. It might be a tough 15 days for you both, but after it she`ll be gagging for it and itll be so much better because you abstained!

Thats the goal!...I really am already noticing things change for me after only 3 days...kind of crazy. Day 3 is done, in the bag. On to Day 4.
 
10/11/2018 Day 4

9:41 am

Something cool happened last night and this morning... Last night I felt my sexual awareness heighten. Contact with my lady stirred something in me...almost as if I just met her...Each touch on her body sent very sexual and energizing signals to my brain. I felt more in tune with her...I felt way more close to her. it was pretty amazing. I felt myself getting aroused just holding her, lightly touching her on the belly..etc.. it was clear something was happening. I did not act upon it though.

Then this morning, I got the hardest morning wood I have had since I can remember. Morning wood is not necessarily something I don't experience a lot of, but this was different. It was very full and sustained and lasted more then 40 minutes! I did not act upon it...which drove me crazy. My lady was asleep next to me and apparently woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep. So I let her sleep. So I laid there...with a massive morning erection....fighting the urge to not do anything about it haha..

Ultimately I ended up just getting up and flying out the door to the gym...had to do something with myself. I consider this a good sign and progress. This is only day 4 and I already feel the effects of abstaining from porn, not just down there, but also in my head. I feel way less foggy...Energy level is still about the same but i have a sense of clarity I think. I also feel more confident and in control of myself

Headed to work now, Peace!


4:32pm

Pretty strong urges throughout the day. Keep thinking about my lady and how I felt this morning. Not exactly a bad thing. But its making me a bit crazy...still holding on strong though. Excited for my appointment tomorrow. Apparently this woman has studied a lot of eastern medicine in reference to sexuality. Should be interesting.
 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
I'm glad to hear that, Andy. This is just the beginning, it will becomes even better! just keep on it.
 
10/12/2018
3:50PM
Day 5

Day 5 Success...Went to a therapy session this morning and it was amazing. She confirmed all of my thoughts and feelings towards this process. She even heard of YourBrainonPorn.com...and the book. She actually got excited when I mentioned that this is what I was doing and affirmed to me that the 90 day goal is one of the best ways to achieve the goal I wanted. She also gave me some book recommendations to look into and also some things to try with my lady that adheres to the 90 day goal. It was really refreshing to talk to her. I think Next time I am going to bring my lady with me.

With that being said, I had some really strong urges this morning...I even went to a site...Began the process...but quickly exited out the window and shut my laptop off and ran out the door. Literally. I have not stopped all day. This is a weekday I have off which is not really a normal thing for me. So I had the house all to myself...which is danger zone. So I knew I had to leave and go engage in something productive. Went to the Gym, then to therapy, then went grocery shopping, went and saw my sister and nephew...came home and did some cleaning..luckily my roomate was here.

I'm glad to be at this point for sure. 5 days is usually about the time I being to relapse...as I almost did this morning... So i'm going to call this 5 days down, 85 more to go. Here is to the future.

 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
Hello Andy. You have been very valiant closing that "window". Congratulations. Keep focused in your goals, with a high determination. Be extreme, unleash your inner warrior. We all have one.
 
10/13/2018
10:24 am

Day 6

Man, Urges are strong today....Very hard to maintain this at the moment...

I think Alcohol has a lot to do with it. I know I stated I was abstaining from Alcohol on day one, but last night all of my friends went out to a show..had some fun..Drank some Dranks....After we got back to the house, my lady was craving it. I was very drunk, and tired...and knowing that I had to wake up very early for work today...I wasnt exactly in great shape for Sexy time...despite this however, she just wanted my hands on her...So I obligeded

I am still going strong, despite urges.....Here is to day 6

Will check in later
 
10/14/2018
8:53 AM
Day 7

Wow, it's day 7 already. Sometimes it feels like time drags along, and then you look up and its 7 days of no PMO. I'm kind of impressed with myself to be honest. Woke up this morning and cuddled my lady...which was enough to cause arousal...I also found that even just touching her and have close interaction is enough to cause arousal. I took a shower and tested myself a bit...still cant really get hard doing it myself... but the slightest touch from her and seeing her is enough...I think this reboot thing is starting to work in my brain. I feel like a switch has been flipped...No artificial stimulation seems to be working

We still have not tried sex...Still building up that sexual energy. Things are looking up...this is the longest I have gone without PMO in a very long time...In fact, I don't even remember the last time I went this long...it may be the longest. We went on a trip once and I remember not doing it for about 4-5 days, but then broke down and did it in the bathroom by myself.

For me this is a mile stone. It's only 7 days, but very rewarding.

Going to go out to lunch with my lady here soon, then visit my sister and nephew and go on a little walk in the woods. Beautiful fall day out today. The trees are on fire.

Peace!

 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
Good for you Andy. You will notice that everything is different. You start to perceive a lot of new and forgotten sensations. Hold on to that and do not let anything get you out of your way.
 
10/15/2018
10:15 AM
Day 8

Eight days in...This morning sucked....I have been riding kind of an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm super pumped about what I'm doing and the progress I'm making, the next minute I feel like the very fact I need to do this makes me weak.

Woke up this morning...Eager to become intimate with my lady...Went through the motions of foreplay....became quite aroused and ready....But She put up walls.....citing our past experiences ( 2 years ). I thought we were going to go all the way and she just did not reciprocate. This turned me off and so I stopped...then we kind of looked at each other and I told her I could not read whether she wanted me to keep going or if it wasn't something she wanted. She explained to me that its hard for her to snap out of the defensive walls she put up because of our past experiences. She said she was willing to talk to the therapist that I saw...and that shes working on it....

This makes me very depressed, makes me feel like a disappointment...makes me feel weak....and want to give up hope. It makes me have hopeless feeling about my endeavor....like why the fuck am I doing this in the first place. Makes me want to run into traffic... Makes me want to look up my favorite type of porn with my favorite porn star--get off---and then blow my head off..

But I kept my resolve...And here I am...day 8...

We cuddled for a bit more and then got up and made some breakfast before I had to run out the door real quick.

A bit of Advice for those who are single have PIED and trying to Re-boot,STAY SINGLE until you are healed..  The hardest thing to deal with is not so much the urges to look at porn...or the urge to get off...its the emotional and sexual damage that is done with your partner....trying to heal that is the biggest challenge so far....


5:28...

Crushing depressed feeling right now....Sat in a Dark Room at work for my lunch just by myself...anxious about everything....Especially my relationship. Money issues are rearing their ugly head soon...Can't focus on anything good at the moment...

 
10/16/2018
7:50am
Day 9

Sorry about the emotional post yesterday guys...like I said..this has been an emotional roller coaster... had a little bit of a break down last night...but I'm good

So day 9 No PMO...Woke up in the middle of the night with a full on erection.  Urges are really strong right now...going to head to the gym to meditate and do a workout to keep my mind off of it. Hope everyone is doing alright.

Cheers
 
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