30 years old, finally taking control of my life.

Hey everyone,

New here as of today. I have tried many forums before and I have tried many reboots in the past. I am at my breaking point with this.

I have been Addicted to porn since I was 11-12...although I can remember masturbating as far back as preschool...yep. PRESCHOOL. I remember laying on the floor face down with my hands under my pelvis and rubbing myself, in front of everyone. The only thing I knew was that it felt good. I continued to do so throughout my childhood and didn't even realize what I was doing was a sexual process until i was probably 11 or 12 when we were learning about sex in school.

When I was 11 I got my first computer... and the rest was history. I have been watching porn ever since. I am always able to get off while watching it...but I have never been able to have someone else get me off. I didn't realize how big of an issue this was until a couple of years ago. I started seeing an old highschool friend. We have known each other since we were in middle school. We have always had this crazy chemistry with each other but throughout our lives we have always been on different paths... Finally a couple years ago she moved back home and we began a relationship and now we are engaged. She is a very sexual person and as soon as she found out I couldn't get off with a partner she began to question it and wonder about it. I hid my pornography use from her until very recently.

It has become very hard for me to stay aroused enough to pleasure her. Its as though I have lost all feeling in my dick. Oral Sex does nothing for me....I feel nothing during Penetration....Just pressure. When I am able to stay aroused enough during sex, I am unable to cum unless I do it myself. But th slightest touch from her distracts me from the goal....and it takes even longer. ITs miserable

It is starting to effect our relationship...Needs are not being met on my end...I can get her off no problem...but not with my dick. It is not fulfilling to her that she cant make me cum and shes starting to feel disconnected. This has been causing me a lot of anxiety and depression. A ton of insecurity along with that...Borderline suicidal thoughts. Thoughts of uselessness...thoughts of being a liar.....I cant live like this anymore.

I have been taking some very proactive steps in order to tackle this, and move forward with my own sexual healing. I hope to draw support from this forum.

Thanks for listening
 

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Welcome and all the best on your journey!  :)

Andyshealthyself said:
This has been causing me a lot of anxiety and depression. A ton of insecurity along with that...Borderline suicidal thoughts. Thoughts of uselessness...thoughts of being a liar.....I cant live like this anymore.

Be prepared for all kinds of heavy mood swings, depression and negative feelings along the road to recovery. This will go away, but you will not have an easy time and should talk about it with your girlfriend to get her full support and understanding!
 

Megatronz

Member
Welcome! Great that you've identified the problem and the hard part now is to execute and stop the addiction. After just 15 days of no PMO I'm starting to see a girl with fresh eyes and it's easier to appreciate her and be aroused by her!
 

Sentimental_geek

Active Member
First off, thanks for being so open about what?s been going on, especially with your partner. I cant begin to imagine how difficult that must be for you and frustrating too!

Are you able to discuss your porn issue openly with her? Does she know you are rebooting?

Its a long bumpy road ahead, but it will be well worth it in the long term.

Good luck!
 
Thanks for all of the support. I really appreciate it.

She knows i'm rebooting. I told her about the process...whats been going on with me. Not sure she quite grasps the concept...Not that shes dumb. Shes just disappointed, and frustrated.

We have had some heavy conversations regarding it lately, it only seems to put pressure on our sex life. It's hard when every attempt at being intimate ultimately results in disappointment... It happened again tonight.. Its 1:23 am ATM and i can't fall asleep....I have this crushing depression feeling looming over me.

I think we are going to reach out to a therapist.....
 
Couples therapy. I talked about it with her and shes very open and understanding. Shes the type of person who will pretty much do anything to be as best as she can be, and she holds me to that expectation as well at the same time being supportive.

I also got inspired today reading some successful reboot stories on yourbrainonporn.com . I'm excited to see how i feel after 12-15 days. I'm going to call this day, Day one. Maybe I'll keep a journal
 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
Hello Andy. Do not let negative tinking invade your mind. In my experience, meditating could be a good way of fighting that poison.
 
I have practiced meditation in the past. So that is one thing I am going to work on doing more. The other things is going to the gym. I know that the best way to battle this is to replace the addiction with positive healthy things...just like any other addiction. The other challenge I have is being alone in the house. I'm more prone to indulge when I am alone, or bored....Makes it hard to be productive around the house...so I have been trying to distract myself by going out in public space with friends, or trying to play more music like I used to. 

I have also been reading more, and reading about other peoples success stories gives me a ton of hope and positive feeling. I know that I am capable of doing this. I just have to be proactive in it.

Thanks!
 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
Of course, being alone in house could be a trigger for relapse. Unfortunely for me, my house is alone almost all day. I had to get used to it, and to understand that boredom is not death, its part of life. I understood that a little dose of boring is necesary to clarify thinking, and to stimulate creativity. Have learned to be alone helped me to build mental thoughness. Like everything else, it's hard in the beginning, but the reward is worth it. Go ahead buddy!!!
 
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