Beginning of a journey starts with one step

Hey there,

So I am a newbie to the forum. I'm a 37yr old bloke from Surrey in the UK, just outside of London to our international brothers & sisters. I probably started masturbating at 13/14, and haven't really stopped apart from when in fleeting relationships, my last one getting on for 12yrs ago. From then on I can't really recount a spell of non-masturbation for any significant amount of time. I have had a hefty bout of depression and social anxiety which has crippled me for a long time, but in the last few years I've made significant progress, small steps but progress nonetheless. 

Recently I have become more aware that porn and masturbation is a significant problem in my life and I want to take action to address this, as I think PMO abstinence could remedy the dregs of foggy and drained exhaustion I seem to permanently face. The last 3-4yrs or so I have been using webcam models as my primary interaction with the opposite sex, which, although has lead to some interesting sexual encounters, but didn't leave me with much fulfilment. Being self employed for the last five years, I have literally spent all my money on webcams, often hundreds of pounds in a week to the point that enough is enough. It's like I'm using this as a subconscious method for getting dates with totally the wrong sort of girl!

With regard to other addictions, that is something I'm particularly proud of. I was under the impression that marijuana was the main reason for the fogginess and haze in my mind so I quit that over a year ago after smoking weed everyday for 20yrs. The first few weeks were quite difficult with getting to sleep etc but I survived and haven't smoked since. I do think that it wasn't entirely responsible and that masturbation/porn was probably more damaging. I'm starting to miss weed but not so much that I'd like to smoke again but it's nice to have that sort of relationship with it. I gave up drinking the day after my 30th birthday so I'm on 7.5yrs of not drinking which given my anti-social nature doesn't bother me too much. I do smoke cigarettes which is my next objective to quit once I feel like I have a handle on PMO.

I have been an interested spectator of nofap/no PMO for a few months now, and last year I made tremendous progress using mindfulness and meditation, however, giving up masturbation wasn't particularly on the radar. Now with some research and reading some of the testimonials on here, and reading some of your guys stories has really inspired me to get out of this slump. Combined with my pitiful bank balance! Not that it is the end of all my problems, but that combined with mindfulness, exercise, a better diet and meditation, that it could help me become the man I want to be. Its about time I grew up and tackled this issue instead of thinking that I can get away with it. Almost annoyed that it's taken me so long to come to this conclusion!

So welcome to my journal. Thank you fellow members of this forum for being so inspirational and giving me the encouragement I needed to make a change.

DAY #2:

Day one was uneventful. I think it'll take a bit of time to get the energy back from the last weeks wankfest binge tbh. Day two is no different but when I think about it, I can sometimes do a 3-4 stretch without too much difficulty and then it worms its way back in, often without conscious thought. More often boredom than anything else so I'm going to try and keep busy, do some long walks etc to tire myself out.

The main driver is my bank balance really so whilst I can keep that steady and not spending it on cam girls, I at least have a reference to (financial) success. I've been applying for a few permanent jobs and I'm going to be taking extra care to notice any physical changes that some have reported, like clearer skin, less rings around the eyes etc.

Will check in tomorrow as I think this evening won't be that daunting, the next week however, will be a challenge.

DAY #3:

So I'm coming to the end of day three and I haven't felt the magical surge of energy that I would have liked by now but I realise it's still early days. Have experienced a few troublesome moments and fleeting 'ahhh, just have a look' surges but have fought them off. I have a 40th party to go to in Farringdon on Saturday and in typical fashion I'm already fashioning excuses not to go which is a little concerning. Today I've been keeping myself occupied with research on brain chemistry and how the reward circuits work. Gary Wilson described the brain as 'mouldable plastic' so after time, those channels damaged with porn can heal. Excellent analogy.

I have a mild concern in my social life which is regarding a girl I've been friends with for many years. I'm very keen on her but I don't think the feeling is reciprocal, however I can't really ascertain if this is the case or not. I'm trying not to think about it too much and focus on self improvement, previously I'd made good progress in getting her out my head but we've been out a couple of times in the last fortnight and we had so much fun. I'm trying to tell myself that the primary focus is getting clean and getting over this addiction to reboot, and from this will come the clarity to address it properly.

DAY #4:

I've been actively binging Noah B.E Church videos and finding that within them, I'm getting answers to a lot of questions I may have had before embarking on this journey. People are right, researching really stands you in good stead to fight the battle head on. They're really helping and kudos to him for putting himself out there and being so helpful to men & women across the world on the subject. It's definitely adding a degree of enlightenment I hadn't had before. Also I have been reading my way through this (http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=14359.0) from a reboot nation forum member which has been fascinating. Some really useful observations and definitely a lot of things I'm going to read into and explore more thoroughly. Also thinking about joining the local gym next week in order to replace masturbation, with a new, beneficial habit. I could do with exercising more anyway as a smoker and at the age where my metabolism is beginning to give up the ghost. I do think I'm smoking a little more than normal, but I'm sure it's just fetching a dopamine fix. Went out for a walk earlier when it was fairly mild and got a sweat on so it shows how out of shape I am.

I haven't felt any urges particularly today, and I'm getting to the point when I normally stumbled, but I actually feel really self assured that this is a positive step that I want to continue and make it stick. However, I haven't really had an erection since I stopped masturbating on the 29th so late last night (I'm still having trouble sleeping at a rational time, generally averaging about a 3am bedtime) I decided to play with myself to see if 'it still worked' and needless to say, it did (maybe 60% at best), it just isn't coming naturally. No PMO, edging, or even an inclination, just satisfying curiosity as I was starting to worry a tad. I'm sure this is perfectly normal though and I'm going to continue to let the body do it's own thing during reboot. Could be the beginning of a flatline, although I shall continue to observe. I still feel quite lethargic and tired, however I am beginning to actually feel more upbeat and optimistic, which is definite progress.

I haven't been particularly social since I started, so I went into town to get a cup of coffee and met a female colleague I used to work with. She was on a break from work so we only had a few minutes to chat but I felt confident, even after an initial stumble on my part in the conversation. I held eye contact and noticed how beautiful her eyes were. Nothing leery or anything, just a kaleidoscope of browns and greens that I'd never noticed before. We swapped numbers and she said she'd be in touch which was nice. It didn't give me a feeling of elation or anything, it just felt like that is how I SHOULD feel when holding a conversation with a member of the opposite sex, as opposed to looking at it like a possible sexual scenario. Regardless, half of my battle is not looking too much into social interactions, just letting them come naturally, rather than instantly getting home and googling what flirting cues I should be looking for! Sociability is something I'm definitely not very good at so another avenue to expand is nothing but a blessing, and hey, if it doesn't come to anything and she doesn't get in touch, it was nice to see her again anyway.

I've also decided that I'm going to go up to London for this party on Saturday. I've known the guy 28yrs and although there will be a lot of people there I don't know, I need to get myself out there (even if its uncomfortable) and I'll still be seeing at least four people who I haven't seen in a while so it should be fun. I feel very anxious about it but it's the typical thing, you get worried about it, then you go and it's loads of fun. I've asked the girl I like if she wants to go but she's told me she might be seeing friends on Saturday. Hopefully she changes her tune and I've twisted her arm but we shall see. I'm not holding out too much hope and am inclined to try to forget about her again, it's probably an irritant I don't need at the moment in all honesty. Self improvement is the way forward at the moment which is why I think I'll delete my dating apps in the coming days. But hey, it'll be her loss since it's a free bar!!!

Still a lot of things to work on but pretty pleased with how things are going so far. I think keeping a journal definitely helps. The next 10 or so days will certainly be filled with intrigue.

DAY #5:

Having a bit of a crisis, not with PMO, just with mood in general. I feel excruciatingly tired, I didn't sleep very well at all last night. My knees feel like they have weights on them. No libido. No dreams. No energy. But still no PMO, so all good.

(Edit) One thing I have noticed, is that before I started this, I'd always have cysts on the back of my ears and Docs couldn't explain why but these have almost completely disappeared.

Congrats on day 5!
Dont dwell on the negative feelings you have too much mate. Just recognize them for what they are: symptoms of withdrawal. They hit the hardest in the first phase of the reboot - the first 14 days or so. Theyll disappear as long as you stay away from PMO

Thanks buddy. Rumination & procrastination are my weak points that I need to address on the way forward. On day 6 today and not feeling too bad, just quite tired and lethargic, still not sleeping very well. Can't sleep until 4am and am getting up at 11-12pm but still but I feel energy sort of 'brewing'. Definitely making some more plans for the future to fill certain voids.

It's going well so far, think the longest I've gone is 10 days but am definitely feeling more hopeful this time around. Especially with the support on the forum, really helps so thanks for your kind words!

DAY #6:

Day six almost done and dusted. I have little or no sexual thoughts, absolutely no libido but that's fine, I can handle that. I have been busy planning. Planning to go to the gym, planning to improve my diet, planning to meditate more, planning on adjusting my routine, planning on going to recruitment agencies to be gainfully employed. My knee that I damaged a few weeks ago has flared up so I've been instructed to stay off my feet for a few days, but thats ok, just means I can't go to London on the weekend. Probably beneficial so I can focus on battling the symptoms of withdrawal head on.

Physically, I look better, despite not sleeping at irrational times, the bags under my eyes are shrinking. My skin is looking better than it has done for a long time. This is probably the biggest change that I've noticed so far, its pretty amazing. I had rashes on the back of my arms, dry skin on my back and spots on my neck, but all of these are well on the way to clearing up. I know tomorrow is the absolute pinnacle of testosterone production during reboot. But absolutely no inclination to stop on this long road.

I want to be a better person, and from within, I can almost feel moments of fleeting warmth. It's like I'm embracing the man I knew I'd become when I was growing up, before this addiction got in the way. 

Keep going, man. Take it day by, even minute by minute if you have to. I know I had to do it like that, but I have just gone 7 months. It seems like an impossible mountain to climb, but if you just keep making small steps you will get there. It gets easier as you go along, just keep fighting those little temptations that can send you back to square one in a single little slip. Oh, and figure out your triggers. Mine was definitely stress, and would ramp up my desire to look at porn like crazy. The more I began to recognise this ther better I became at avoiding or dealing with this trigger.

Stay strong

Its a great sign that you can already see some of the benefits manifesting! It might be an indication of a sucessful reboot, after less than a week you are already seeing the physical benefits of it. just a few more days and youll have broken your record

Moth-head said:

Keep going, man. Take it day by, even minute by minute if you have to. I know I had to do it like that, but I have just gone 7 months. It seems like an impossible mountain to climb, but if you just keep making small steps you will get there. It gets easier as you go along, just keep fighting those little temptations that can send you back to square one in a single little slip. Oh, and figure out your triggers. Mine was definitely stress, and would ramp up my desire to look at porn like crazy. The more I began to recognise this ther better I became at avoiding or dealing with this trigger.

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Well done on seven months Moth, thats inspiration right there! Any trigger I do get I think I've eliminated, it would primarily be boredom to be honest and then once I'd start, I'd struggle to stop for the rest of the day/night. Like you say, that and stress but I don't have too much of that going on at the minute apart from feeling a bit sorry for myself with no work etc. All websites are blocked, all stashes deleted and so far not given it a moments thought tbh.

I'm not expecting miracles, I know this is a long journey of self and this is just one part of the process. I still have an awful lot of other things I need to address in order to get the results I'd like, that I know I'm capable of. I need to focus on myself and masturbation is just a hurdle that I need to clear, on a day by day schedule like you said. The other things, like exercise and diet, I know I need to work on bit by bit. I am feeling a bit 'meh', still quite antisocial & unmotivated etc, but I think thats just early onset withdrawal. Once I'm through two weeks I'm hoping I'll feel a little more invigorated.

Reformed Fapper said:

Its a great sign that you can already see some of the benefits manifesting! It might be an indication of a sucessful reboot, after less than a week you are already seeing the physical benefits of it. just a few more days and youll have broken your record

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Thanks RF, it certainly helps to encourage you to keep ploughing on. I think if you can SEE results initially, it definitely helps in FEELING results as you progress. Still not getting random boners or morning wood, infact my penis has been dormant since I stopped, not moved an inch but not thinking about that too much! Yup, one week today, another three days and I'm at the ten day mark which is when the journey into the unknown really will begin!

DAY #7:

Ok, so not really too much to report on today to be honest, no sexual inclinations whatsoever. Last night I had my first related headache, before I went to bed but it was nothing serious, just mildly annoying. Legs are aching but it's all part of the process, in a restless sort of way I think. Must admit, I am crazy tired & unmotivated, which is bordering on being a bit concerning however reading some other blogs and that went away at the ten day mark for other guys but as we know it's different for everyone. I thought I'd be seeing some sort of improvements in that department but it's not really forthcoming right now. Either way, I'm going to keep plugging away. It's all plain sailing so far if I'm being brutally honest but don't want to get complacent and slip up. Like an RKO outta nowhere, these slip ups can strike...! Am spending a lot of time on Youtube which is helpful but like people say, "don't replace an addiction with an addiction!"

Been looking at other things to give up, like sugar/caffeine, maybe doing cold showers for a month just to assist to, almost water down the addiction process. I am guilty of sometimes biting off more than I can chew, I get all the preparation done but end up not getting any of it done. I realise I need to make wholesale changes but also don't want to accumulate these habit breakers, only to not be able to juggle all the plates and for them to all come crashing down. Has anyone else tried doing this? I think it's just because I'm aware of how rough this initial period is and partially boredom I suppose. I'm finding it easy not masturbating, thinking about porn or even touching myself and seeing some initial aesthetic changes with regards to complexion probably help that, but not having any movement in my pants and feeling lethargic & tired makes me a smidge concerned. I guess it's normal and I'm probably overthinking...! Another negative trait of mine!!!

p.s. Can I also just take a moment to thank Moth-head (a brilliant blog, can relate to so much of what you've written, minus the wife & kids part!) and Reformed Fapper for their encouragement and kind words. Thank you, appreciate you guys!   

DAY #8:

Another day down. Albeit incredibly lazy (I had two naps) and tiring in a 'I've done nothing yet I'm knackered' sort of way. Also had a semi in bed last night during a sexual dream about an ex whom I have no feelings for, which woke me up. I ignored it until it went away but it was sort of reassuring that at least something had happened down there. Thought that my penis had actually gone on vacation for a week until that point. Felt quite despondent and short of inspiration but I'm going to start cold showers and at least doing press ups or something physical instead of being a lazy bum. Brain tried messing with me earlier because I was feeling particularly low and I noticed it say, 'ahh just have a look. You'll feel better' which was sort of bizarre as I knew I had no desire to do so. Sneaky lil bugger the brain. Needless to say, I didn't listen and carried on with my day. This week coming is going to be the real test but I feel no inclination to masturbate or even look at porn, however, I'm not feeling an inclination to do much tbh. It's not the looking at porn or camgirls, or not masturbating I'm having the problem with, it's the feeling shit and hopelessly lazy!!! Need to snap out of it! Roll on a week today when hopefully the main withdrawal will have passed and I'll be able to focus on other things.

Good!
Continue to ignore it. The brain is more powerful than any supercomputer and more complex than the latest security systems. Don't underestimate its skill in trying to get you to relapse. But it'll come to heel soon once you show it who's boss. Don't feed it, let it starve.

Reformed Fapper said:

Good!
Continue to ignore it. The brain is more powerful than any supercomputer and more complex than the latest security systems. Don't underestimate its skill in trying to get you to relapse. But it'll come to heel soon once you show it who's boss. Don't feed it, let it starve.

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Thanks dude, not gonna let in win, NO CHANCE! Just felt good to acknowledge it and continue moving along.

Hey, I'm a fellow Brit. I've been trying to get permanently clean for about four years now- I've managed a couple of streaks of about 5 months and I'm currently two and a bit months in. I was much more addicted to web chat and chat rooms than I was to porn itself, so I can relate to the camgirls thing.

Well done for your progress so far! Keep it up.

Hey there PE30, thanks for reading, I've read your blog and you're doing absolutely amazingly! With a bit of research and self discovery, I've realised that talking to cam girls was trying to achieve several things. Obviously the main one was running away from my problems, and it also gave me an excuse to not socialise, which during the best years of my life, has undoubtedly been hugely detrimental. If I'm honest with myself, I've probably spent a house deposit on the habit over the years but I can't cry over that now, I just need to make the relevant changes, move on and improve. Some of the reasons as to why this was my crutch:

• To stop feeling so lonely and just have some company.
• To interact with the opposite sex with no fear of rejection.
• To not acknowledge that I had some significant & serious problems in my life.
• To try and get myself a girlfriend.

Now I'm feeling like I don't actually WANT to run from these problems. I want to take them on, and confront them with no fear. It's day nine today and this evening I'm actually feeling really upbeat and motivated to make these changes stick by putting one new habit into my life every day. No matter how small. It's based on 'kaizen', a Japanese tradition of improving yourself 1% every day and these changes cumulatively mount up over time. I know I have the potential to be an amazing human being, and one day partner to someone equally amazing but can only do that once I start to love myself. Thanks for the positive thoughts, rest assured, I have no intention on going back to bad habits!

DAY #9:

OK, so the tides are finally beginning to change. I actually feel a lot more upbeat and positive today. I'm pretty full of ambition and determination, I should be given that I haven't used what I've been blessed with over the years and just relented to bad habits and instant gratification. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to revert back to type. I've been having thoughts of what the young me would have thought and he'd be disappointed. Yes, there are lots of things I need to change but these will be an constant evolution. To combat this I'm planning on adding one positive thing a day for the foreseeable future, it's based on the Japanese word 'kaizen'. I need to stop thinking about that girl and let what will be, be. I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing it for me, to become the person I want to be.

Day ten tomorrow which is the longest I've gone but I feel good that this is for keeps, lets go get it!!! 

the_terrible_one said:

DAY #9:
I've been having thoughts of what the young me would have thought and he'd be disappointed. Yes, there are lots of things I need to change but these will be an constant evolution.

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I've ran things like that through my mind as well. But to be honest, there is no pint holding regrets of beating yourself up for what another version of your self may think. What happened happened and that?s why you are here now working your way back from it. As you say its a constant evolution so be proud of yourself that you have acknowledged that and are standing up for yourself!

Thanks S_G, I'm very guilty of dwelling on the past. It's something I find myself doing a lot. Not sure if there are ways I could escape that mindset, be it meditating or something of that variety? My circumstances aren't as I'd like, or imagined but yes, like you say, I am where I am, and the only way is up. I'm pleased with how it's going, taking solace in that everyone is different and it's a different experience for different people. I still feel quite lethargic, motivation & the increased confidence seem to be coming along in spits and bursts, but a big difference I'm experiencing from other stories is that I haven't actually thought about porn or masturbating at all really and truthfully, despite being very inactive, I haven't found it very difficult yet.

This of course sets me up with trepidation as I'm aware this desire could come back with vengeance and some larger battles on the horizon but like other commenters have said, one day at a time isn't a bad way to approach it. On a positive note though, this is probably my longest streak since teenage years! 

DAY #10:

Woo-hoo! This is the longest I think I've ever gone without PMO so a bit of a landmark for me. Again, been a relatively straight forward day, no urges or any desires. The flatline is well and truly in full swing and has been since day one. Went into town just to get myself out and about but didn't really feel all that confident for whatever reason, did feel like I stood straighter though but not sure if that was subconscious. I think I was under the delusion that any girl I'd look at would just fall at my feet and swoon in my mere presence however I can report, on the few I did see, this wasn't the case! This will come in time though. Also made plans to give up smoking cigarettes with hypnotherapy so that'll be an interesting little side adventure. Need to get reinvigorated for the job search though, that's really lost its impetus of late.