Starting life at 34

I have been addicted to porn my whole life. I am now 34 years old. It has controlled me and through me those around me. Now I hope against hope that through this journal and other help I can finally start to live my life, do away with the shame, get close to people, stop being Mr nice guy and be the father I should be.

I was a very happy child, but sometime just before puberty I always remember being unhappy; I have been ruled by my demons. I have what should be an amazing life- a beautiful, intelligent, caring wife, an amazing young son, a good job, a nice house, plenty of money, a loving extended family, close friends. I am the nice guy who gets on with everyone. None of these things have been enough or made me truly happy.

Now I am in the process of divorce and finally I want to do something for myself..... not to get my wife back.... not to have the family I always dreamed off ..... not to give my son a loving family he deserves........... just finally so I can stop feeling ashamed and live my life.

I was introduced to masturbating when I was probably only 7 years old. I didn't realise I was sexually abused until my wife brought up our sex life as an issue and asked if I was. I struggle to believe I really was even now now- he only showed me how to masturbate and only touched me a couple of times. I realised then that I could get good feelings from playing with myself. It shaped my sexualisation as I went through puberty. I have always masturbated heavily as long as I can remember. The internet was really getting going when I was young and I quickly realised I had open access to pornography here 24 hours a day rather than looking at magazines or waiting up for late night programmes.

Looking back now this has been 20 years lost:
- behind a computer/phone screen
- covering my tracks
- to shame
- to anxiety/depression/low self-esteem/social anxiety
- to low levels of motivation
- of broken relationships
- to being unable to be truly intimate with others
- of healthy sexual relationships
- of trying to gain self-esteem elsewhere e.g. by being too nice
- of going to counselling but not being honest enough to deal with the real problem

So here is my journey. I have relapsed so many times it is beyond counting. I have never managed much more than a week before without masturbating or porn. Hopefully this time I can do it with help. This time I am doing it not because I need to stop masturbating but because I need to feel good about myself, I need to feel proud of what I have and I need to stop being ruled by my anxieties............... I want to start living life!

It is time to face up, smash my triggers and do something positive instead!

Hey dude, Me again.  I think we both need our feeling or 'worth' to come back don't we...  Do you currently feel that you deserve all those nice things you listed?  Family, job, close friends etc?  My councillor has told me in the past that I've convinced myself somehow that I'm not worthy of affection and a loving relationship, therefore I self sabotage them because it's all I know.  Hopefully you don't relate to this but I thought I'd ask as it might help you...
She also has asked me to think about my feelings but I think at best I only run at 50%.  I never feel elated, I'm always just ok, never any better, often way under.

You've got incredible motivation in that you have a son who I'm sure means the world to you.  Also if you have a great job, money and close friends they can hopefully distract you from the computer screen.  I'm hoping to chat my addiction out with my friends soon, I'm hoping that getting everything out in the open might help relieve some anxiety for me.  I can only suggest the same to you too.

Keep checking in, we can help each other along our journeys.

Thanks for the reply buddy. I totally relate to feeling 50%, never really elated, just ok and often under. I feel I do deserve to feel good about the life that I have had and do have but I can't seem to feel worthy, proud, excited or just content.

I think we both need a feeling of 'worth' and I think you are right chatting it out with at least someone close would help us realise that they still appreciate us for who we are, not for the shame we carry.

I remember from a counselling session that anxiety is just a feeling, it is not real, it will rule you if you let it. But trying to keep at the forefront of your mind when you start to feel anxious is that it is just that, a feeling, you are worth more than that and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

I hope if I can make this work I can help others to and I will keep tabs with you as I move forward.

Day 2. Feeling good, but then it is day 2. I am still positive that I can break this habit. Off to counselling this afternoon with a new counsellor and for the first time ever I am determined to reveal my dirty truths.

Sleep was poor last night and not sure what that was about. I have got into a cycle of needing to masturbate prior to going to sleep and then often waking in the early hours and needing to again. I have ramped up my porn addiction over the last couple of months and I know this is a representation of dealing with the stress and anxiety associated with the separation from my wife. It is so easy to get a quick fix with that dopamine release but the reality is I don't real feel anything anymore when watching porn. It is sad that even porn has become so unexciting and unstimulating.

I can't wait for the feeling of a need to touch and cuddle a woman again and get a feeling of warmth and elation from it.

Day 3 (late). Good day kept busy. Think I maybe starting to feel a little less emotionally damped. I have easily done this long before however so I am constantly keeping a check on myself for trigger.

Day 4. Another day to keep busy. Luckily I am off work for a couple of months so the stress from that is not forcing me down my old habits. Unfortunately I am in the process of a divorce so I am sure these will push me towards breaking at times.

I am also trying to avoid worsening my dependence on alcohol and smoking which are definitely something else I will turn to in terms of stress and self-loathing. I am hoping I can keep my current optimism and determination.

Day 5. All good-ish. Getting a lot of intruding thoughts today being down the beach and a few instagram posts. This coupled with a fairly heated discussion with my wife. Not feeling great but I keep trying to think of the reasons why I am doing this- not for my wife who would never had supported me in this and indeed used it against me- I am doing this for me. 90 days looks like a very long way off. But I am not feeling too bad about myself and as long as I keep my son in the forefront of my mind with hope for a loving fulfilling relationship in the future I can manage.

Hey, just reading your journal. It sounds like you're rebooting in some.quite testing circumstances. Take time out for yourself, do some things that you enjoy. Try to keep a.check on your use of Instagram and on your eyes in general (I know it's difficult in the summer!)

Well done for getting to day 5. Keep it up. Don't worry if the numbers seem small at first, just get through this one day at a time.

Day 1. Oh dear. Start again. So have lost the plot not having any kind of sexual contact to help me through this. Lots of intruding thoughts and too much instagram. Particularly since I am on a Sunday bumday whatsapp group. Lots of chats with the wife about separation and divorce proceedings. Just lost all control last night and watched some porn. Sad thing is it didn't even get me excited but still lost my motivation and gave in. Rebooting again- Damn. I thought I had it in me to move forward but the rejection from my wife amongst some occasional cuddles just screwing with my mind. Ashamed of myself since I felt so good about getting off porn. Next time round I really need to get off the triggers, find another dopamine hit and remind myself why I am doing this.

I feel your pain.

Please don't give up on it. The process is a worthy cause. This is a good place, and you can beat this thing.

Peace