Ever since I can remember I've been watching porn and masturbating. I was definitely at it before I could shoot my load and always viewed this as some sort of badge of honour. I would beat off everywhere as a young lad. I think my first porn video was probably round about the age of 12 I guess.
I remember showing my cock to girls in primary school in exchange for a look at their 'fannys' as I used to put it. I didn't see anything wrong with it, just kids being kids, one girl even let me touch hers. Crazy to think about it now as I/we are not mature enough to understand that kind of behaviour at such an early age.
Throughout my teen years during the 90's I was pulling away to thought of girls at school. One night I even listed my top 10 girls and imagined them each coming over to my shagging caravan for some action. No word of a lie, 10 times I chocked it that night!!
I began a collection of magazines and porn dvds in my 20's and as technology changed I found high speed porn around the time I turned 28.
High speed porn was quite literally the adult equivalent of a kid in a candy shop!! Every single genre, sub genre, was available at the click of a button. Scenes that I'd never even dreamt of, seriously, anything goes when it comes to making porn these days. I'm 36 now, which means I've been using high speed porn for a solid 8 years, probably using it daily, sometimes twice a day, sometimes more!
So that's a brief description of my experience with porn, and I'm guessing it's a common story ringing true with most people reading it?... It wasn't until recently that I contemplated that porn may be ruining my life though. Who would think that something so harmless could have that much power over us?
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 30. I've been living with it now for 6 years. I'm generally ok, I wouldn't say I'm depression free, but I'm better than I was. My depression started after breaking up with a girl. I was about a year into a relationship, it was going well, I wasn't in love yet but happily plodding on with it. One day I was driving and out of nowhere a wave of anxiety hit me, my whole body felt like it had been consumed by a blanket of fear. My legs started burning, I felt sick and frail. I couldn't shake off the feelings I was going through, it was honestly the worst thing that I'd ever experienced. I didn't want to end things with her but I knew I had to. For 4 days I lived with crippling fear and panic, let me tell you guys having a thought, a feeling like that that you can't shake is torture!
Finally she figured it out and on the morning of her birthday she asked me if I wanted to break up with her, I couldn't lie any longer and we broke up there and then. On her birthday.
Mercifully the panic receded which was such a relief but in its place came the depression. For weeks I would wake up just to go back to sleep. I'd cry, I'd isolate myself from my friends and at one point I even allowed myself to question reality, considering that the world was not real at all.
Like I said, I'm much better now but once you know the lows that you can reach it's very hard to forget them and in all honesty I'm scared of ever getting to that point again.
Since that relationship I've dated 4 girls, all of them great. One over a period of 3 years, the others for a few months. But, like the one I detailed, I've ended each of them. I have a pattern, I somehow let a thought in my head, and once it's there I can't shake it. Thoughts like, don't get too close to her, you need your space, hopefully you can develop feelings for her by this time next week, don't give her too much because you'll only end up hurting her....Can anyone relate to this? I sabotage every chance I get.
Maybe I have commitment phobia, my parents split up when I was 16 and I've had girls break up with me in my early 20's which I guess has had an affect.
Anyways, back to porn. The girls in porn are absolutely stunning, I think we can all agree on that. Whether you prefer blondes, brunette, redheads...you can have whatever you want. You can search for any type of porn you want to, and skip to whatever scene gets you off.
I'm starting to realise that porn is ruining my life. My councillor asked me a while ago why I didn't turn to drink or drugs when I was at my lowest point, and it's only now that I'm realising that my addiction is porn. The women of porn have replaced the women of the real world. The are glorified and willing to do whatever you want, but they aren't real. I've turned down sex before....actual sex with a real woman just so I can go beat off on my ipad! Anyone else hearing me? I'm pretty much at the point of flatline, I want to find a woman to have a relationship with but my libido is at an all time low. I've forgotten how to talk to women, scared and nervous about being near women and feel much safer when I'm behind closed doors at home.
I'm currently questioning if I'm turning gay, it's something that I've obsessed over as each relationship I've had in the past 6 years has ended, and I have unanswered questions swirling around in my head. I can appreciate a good looking man but can't imagine getting physical with one. I still find women attractive but I have no real urge to jump on one. Can anyone else relate to this? Every day I wake up and ask the questions, will I feel better today? Will my libido come back? Will I still question my sexuality? Can I get through the day without allowing doubt and anxiety to ruin it?
I'm trying to quit porn for good, I managed a 47 day stint which I broke a few weeks ago. No porn and no masturbating. It's tough and after relapsing I jumped straight back into porn but I need to stay determined if I'm ever going to be happy.
I need to feel emotions again, I need my love of real women and my sex drive back. I'm just worried that I'm too far down the line and that I'll be alone for the rest of my days living in purgatory not knowing one way or another who I am or what life could be.
Can anyone offer any advice?
I remember showing my cock to girls in primary school in exchange for a look at their 'fannys' as I used to put it. I didn't see anything wrong with it, just kids being kids, one girl even let me touch hers. Crazy to think about it now as I/we are not mature enough to understand that kind of behaviour at such an early age.
Throughout my teen years during the 90's I was pulling away to thought of girls at school. One night I even listed my top 10 girls and imagined them each coming over to my shagging caravan for some action. No word of a lie, 10 times I chocked it that night!!
I began a collection of magazines and porn dvds in my 20's and as technology changed I found high speed porn around the time I turned 28.
High speed porn was quite literally the adult equivalent of a kid in a candy shop!! Every single genre, sub genre, was available at the click of a button. Scenes that I'd never even dreamt of, seriously, anything goes when it comes to making porn these days. I'm 36 now, which means I've been using high speed porn for a solid 8 years, probably using it daily, sometimes twice a day, sometimes more!
So that's a brief description of my experience with porn, and I'm guessing it's a common story ringing true with most people reading it?... It wasn't until recently that I contemplated that porn may be ruining my life though. Who would think that something so harmless could have that much power over us?
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 30. I've been living with it now for 6 years. I'm generally ok, I wouldn't say I'm depression free, but I'm better than I was. My depression started after breaking up with a girl. I was about a year into a relationship, it was going well, I wasn't in love yet but happily plodding on with it. One day I was driving and out of nowhere a wave of anxiety hit me, my whole body felt like it had been consumed by a blanket of fear. My legs started burning, I felt sick and frail. I couldn't shake off the feelings I was going through, it was honestly the worst thing that I'd ever experienced. I didn't want to end things with her but I knew I had to. For 4 days I lived with crippling fear and panic, let me tell you guys having a thought, a feeling like that that you can't shake is torture!
Finally she figured it out and on the morning of her birthday she asked me if I wanted to break up with her, I couldn't lie any longer and we broke up there and then. On her birthday.
Mercifully the panic receded which was such a relief but in its place came the depression. For weeks I would wake up just to go back to sleep. I'd cry, I'd isolate myself from my friends and at one point I even allowed myself to question reality, considering that the world was not real at all.
Like I said, I'm much better now but once you know the lows that you can reach it's very hard to forget them and in all honesty I'm scared of ever getting to that point again.
Since that relationship I've dated 4 girls, all of them great. One over a period of 3 years, the others for a few months. But, like the one I detailed, I've ended each of them. I have a pattern, I somehow let a thought in my head, and once it's there I can't shake it. Thoughts like, don't get too close to her, you need your space, hopefully you can develop feelings for her by this time next week, don't give her too much because you'll only end up hurting her....Can anyone relate to this? I sabotage every chance I get.
Maybe I have commitment phobia, my parents split up when I was 16 and I've had girls break up with me in my early 20's which I guess has had an affect.
Anyways, back to porn. The girls in porn are absolutely stunning, I think we can all agree on that. Whether you prefer blondes, brunette, redheads...you can have whatever you want. You can search for any type of porn you want to, and skip to whatever scene gets you off.
I'm starting to realise that porn is ruining my life. My councillor asked me a while ago why I didn't turn to drink or drugs when I was at my lowest point, and it's only now that I'm realising that my addiction is porn. The women of porn have replaced the women of the real world. The are glorified and willing to do whatever you want, but they aren't real. I've turned down sex before....actual sex with a real woman just so I can go beat off on my ipad! Anyone else hearing me? I'm pretty much at the point of flatline, I want to find a woman to have a relationship with but my libido is at an all time low. I've forgotten how to talk to women, scared and nervous about being near women and feel much safer when I'm behind closed doors at home.
I'm currently questioning if I'm turning gay, it's something that I've obsessed over as each relationship I've had in the past 6 years has ended, and I have unanswered questions swirling around in my head. I can appreciate a good looking man but can't imagine getting physical with one. I still find women attractive but I have no real urge to jump on one. Can anyone else relate to this? Every day I wake up and ask the questions, will I feel better today? Will my libido come back? Will I still question my sexuality? Can I get through the day without allowing doubt and anxiety to ruin it?
I'm trying to quit porn for good, I managed a 47 day stint which I broke a few weeks ago. No porn and no masturbating. It's tough and after relapsing I jumped straight back into porn but I need to stay determined if I'm ever going to be happy.
I need to feel emotions again, I need my love of real women and my sex drive back. I'm just worried that I'm too far down the line and that I'll be alone for the rest of my days living in purgatory not knowing one way or another who I am or what life could be.
Can anyone offer any advice?