Diro's reboot journal

My name is Diro, I'm 31, single.

This is so embarrassing to put in words.

At age of 12 I was told it was wrong to masturbate, at a church meeting. The child counselor said something about it being selfish and "girl's can't do it". Past evaluations told me that it being selfish is a matter of opinion, and yes, girls do it. Nonetheless I tried to repress my sexuality at such an early age, I would masturbate and then hold the semen inside my penis because I didn't want to get any proof of such a sinful act. The result is my urethra expanded for holding the semen for too long. I would go outside my house to fap, I would friction my penis inside my pants and use the extra skin around it to hold the semen inside. I'm lucky this didn't damaged my urinary system, as I can hold my pee and release it normally, but my penis got an extra thickness, and when erect, it has a curve on it's right side that I know it's not normal.

My parents got divorced that same year, this didn't help for my mental health. I quit church at that year convinced that church sucks and masturbation is okay.

I never needed porn until late 26. My family was so rigid, and I had so much shame for it, that I would masturbate to movies and fashion magazines. Once my father shamed me quite violently because my sister showed me a porn movie he rented for himself. I didn't even know what I was watching. He shamed me and I cried like few times in my life. I still can hear his voice "I'll never trust you again". Why? I didn't wanted to watch it in the first place. Damn sister.

Having such a trauma with porn, I turned to softcore photos and I had curiosity and I saw real porn whenever I could, always with extreme safety. I got better in securing my porn viewing. A few years later, my father showed to me his hentai porn [?], I got hugely disappointed with him, how could he show to me something like that and expect me to like it after what he has done?

I never stopped masturbating. I thought it was impossible. I would catch a glimpse of a girl in yoga pants in the streets then masturbate afterwards in a safe place. Sometimes I would masturbate just for the sake of it, for the feel good and because "fuck the church, I can masturbate all I want".

When I started watching anime, masturbation went to another level. And I discovered Eroges. Until this point I never braked a value I considered true. But one thing led to another, drawing became boring and I wanted to see the real stuff, and against all my beliefs and my pride for not ever seeing porn like dad, I now am a porn user.

I've been fighting PMO addiction since 2016, when I found the NoFap subreddit, and a report impressed me, I thought "these guys are doing the impossible! If they can, I probably can too." And this was exactly what the reports and successful stories were about. I could stop it too. I couldn't at 12, but I was too young, it's time to try again. Soon after I found about Gabe's videos and reboot nation. I spent a few days posting on the NoFap subreddit, but soon after I registered at NoFap forum, where I was banned five times.

I don't know why I was banned, my best guess is I was banned for criticizing them. When I asked why, they banned me again. No notice, nothing. I relapsed, of course. Since 2016, in these two years my addiction got worse. I am watching the most hard core stuff I've watched in my life. 2015 on, I started seeing gay porn even though I'm not gay. Fact is I don't know if I'm gay because I jerked off to gay stuff, there was a YouTube channel which was my favorite. Porn gay excited me like nothing else. This was when I knew I needed to stop and seek help. Betraying my values is one thing. Now I'm betraying my sexuality. I don't have a problem with being gay or gay people, but if porn is turning me gay, I have to do something about it.

I do not recommend the NoFap forum as they became a gold digger organization. The NoFap subreddit is more neutral, one can't really be banned from there, only the posts will be erased. But it is full of references to the NoFap site and their stupid NoFap academy, which you have to pay to get visual with Alexander Rhodes, the Fapstronaut #1, c'mon cut me some slack.

Doing stuff alone doesn't work so well, but no matter how much help you are able to get your hands at, in the end, it's only you and your addiction. Nobody, despite their infinite caring and support and accountability will be with you in the bathroom when the opportunity to masturbate rises.

I'll not pay Alexander Rhodes to have a journal online. Many rebooters say there is benefit in writing a journal and I confirm it. My longest streak is 68 days, this was in January 2018. My streaks are on a linear progress of 31, 58 and 68 with several small streaks, I came back to porn for 4 months, then came back to reboot. This is really hard. Starting this year I decided that I will not give up anymore. I'll keep trying for as long as it takes.

I'm looking forward to interact with other members of this web forum and I hope I can encourage some to keep their streaks, and have some encouraging back too. Please don't ban me if I relapse.

Day 12 / 90

I made an overall introduction because I know I might fail my current streak, although I do not plan to fail it. I plan to stick with this thread.

So, I'm currently on day 12. I've reported the first three days on Google+, then I managed to get a new account at NoFap forum and reported days 13-12 there, but I do not trust that website anymore. I am writing on a Google Docs diary too, so my current streak is well documented. 

My plan is abstain from PMO and games, listen to classical music and play chess. I found out that I can last longer in streaks if I have some standard activity to do when I'm bored. I might be replacing an addiction with obsessive behavior, but until I have enough discipline to meditate everyday, cut caffeine, exercise and study, play chess and listen to classical music are good-to-go alternatives. Chess is neutral PMO-wise and so is classical music.

I don't remember how many times I tried to quit PMO, but this is the fifth of the solid streaks I had. Let's hope it will be the longest. I need 69 days to beat my record.

I'll record wet dreams as they happen. If you have a smartphone, I recommend the Quitzilla app, which I use to track my progress and count days.

Day 13 / 90

I said farewell to my old community and plan to stick with this reboot log. Being banned 5x from that website taught me to not trust them.

I will write here everyday how I will overcome my porn addiction. I will play chess and listen to classical music to get me distracted from porn. The ideal should be reading, but I lack the energy to do that. I need to learn more. I plan to continue reading William's posts, they are a big help for me, since he is more than a year clean of PMO. I want something like that for myself.

Day 14 / 90

Some guys are doing pretty well here. Moth-head is rocking. I must keep my streak and somehow be motivated to not give up. I said earlier that I could fail. Well, I wish I didn't say something like that, but it's been 2 years. I must learn from my mistakes. It can happen again.

But I'll take all precautions and make sure this time it's for real. I want a full reboot.

I've catch up with all links and commented where appropriate yesterday. Even interacted with a few members. I can't rely on others to keep me accountable, but it can be of some help.

I've been using an app to track my habits, I don't know if I'll keep it because it has proven to be a distraction. I keep delaying stuff.

I'll keep this short. Nothing to add for now.

Day 14: UPDATE

I am catch up with all links in this forum. Here are the pearls:

Life can be incredibly beautiful or incredibly painful, but it will always be one thing porn addiction is not:  real.

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I was already depressed trying to take care of my family through a rough situation and tried to find comfort in something empty and hollow.

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Not PMOing is like taking a drug that makes you feel good all the time, only you're not taking a drug at all which makes it even better.

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the decision to quit porn has been firm. I haven?t relapsed, and I know that I don?t need porn, and that if I start again I will feel like crap. It?s just not worth it anymore.

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I never in my wildest dreams thought my life could change so much in just 90 days. I went from suicidal to self-posessed. Before reboot, I hated myself so much I wanted to take my own life. How selfish and f*cked up is that? Now I am filled with hope and an incredible sense of purpose about who I am and what I want to accomplish.

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My eyes were opened to the reality of what porn is. It is dehumanizing and desensitizing, and it takes advantage of peoples wounds, turns them into merely sexual objects, with no care for their well being, their soul, their story of how they got to a point in life to where they let guys record doing degrading things to them for guys all around the world to jack off to with their pants around their ankles. Some with a wife sleeping in the other room who crys herself to sleep because she thinks she isn't beautiful enough to keep her husbands attraction, attention, and affection. (Gabe)

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I don't need to relapse that much. Today is only day 14, but I know this time I will not fail. I'll never look at porn again. It's wrong. If I don't want a girlfriend, so, fine. I won't watch porn either. Why would I do that?

If anything I gonna be a new chess master. My plan was to read more and hit the gym, but I can't seem to start it. Once I start it's just a matter of keeping it. I will prepare for the hard days. I will prepare for withdrawals. Today I broke a promise of not playing computer games. But my PMO promise I will keep. No more PMO. It's not an option anymore.

Day 15 / 90

I feel connected to a new friend I made on this website. I rocked today. I slept well, ate a bit too much, but otherwise it was great. I'm facing the problems in my life with my head straight. Just a bit of loneliness biting me but I'm used to it.

And just for the record, hollow encouragement from other rebooters is not welcome. If you feel like posting in my journal you better have a good reason for it.

Day 16 / 90

Okay, today I have some news. I had a dream that I was relapsing. I was covered in semen and in my dream I thought "well, might as well relapse now" and went to search for porn online.

I woke up in the middle of it, I thought I had a wet dream, turns out it was just a dream. I went to pee and then back to sleep. The dream made no sense when I was awake.

This led me to a thought. I need to rethink the whole concept of rebooting.

Yesterday I watched videos about PS3 fighting games, even though I said I would not play anything other than chess. And I listened to non classical music. A clear brake of rules. My lizard brain interpreted it as "party time" and sent me that weird dream.

Either I follow it or I don't. I can't keep on stepping on  middle line anymore. I must be prepared for when my brain will try to talk me into porn, like in my dream, and have a clear stand of what rules I will follow and what I will permit. Otherwise this will be just another failed attempt.

I want avoid PMO. Games is an extra. But I'll not permit it after I've decided I wouldn't?! Maybe I'm just rationalizing. Playing games can be good for my reboot?!

Holy crap I'm so confused.

Day 17 / 90

A rebooter said to me be on guard, since relapse dreams usually mean something. I can feel my will weakening and my mind starting rationalization. Yesterday I went to a Cyber Caf? to play games, hopefully there was no game that interested me.

I am rationalizing that I only want to quit porn, and not games and music, but game characters usually are triggering, specially in fantasy and fighting games. Music, well, most rock is suggestive that you should loose yourself and go wild, and I'll not even comment on pop music.

I have everything I need in classical music and chess. This rationalization has to stop. It's the tougher decision, but it's the one that's worth.

Another better option would be stopping this music and game enjoyment which is dopamine anyways, and go read some books and enlighten my mind. I can't start. I feel like I'm already losing too much by not fapping. Sometimes I try to talk myself that I don't want that bad improve my life. Sometimes I buy this argument, however illogical it really is.

Today I felt good for resisting so well. My coworker seemed incredibly attractive. To some astronomical scale I can't even start to explain.

Onwards I go to a PMO free life. And I hope I can add reading, exercise, meditation and less caffeine to this. And good thoughts, self-worth, better relationships and feeling other pleasures in life other than heavy breathing in front of a damn computer with my pants at my ankles.

Day 18 / 90

PMO is not an option.

I took the after work to myself today. I usually do extra work, I've been working very diligently but not today. I'll take a stroll, or watch movie today. I'm not skipping work, whatever can be done, can wait until tomorrow.

Yesterday, while talking to a guy I usually don't like talking to, he opened my eyes to something. A few people earn more money than I do, and I do extra work that not even they do. I don't like this guy's approach to work. Just because a few people work less, well that doesn't mean anything. There are people more dedicated, and even if I am the most dedicated employee, I should mirror only the good examples, not the bad ones.

Anyway, he was right in a way. I am earning way less than I could. This makes me look like a fool. Working more and getting paid less. None of his business anyway.

Today I brought a fruit to Vivian and she said she'd never touch that. Well, this from a woman who took a fruit I threw away and ate it. This one I brought only to her, well, anways. I'm making a fool of myself bringing fruit to another guy's woman, with my longing eyes to Veridiane, and I'm rejecting the only girl who seems to care a bit about me, but not that much.

I must not get dragged with endless talk and fantasies about women. I'm on a reboot. No fantasizing for me.

Day 0 / 90

I PMO twice today. I opened this reboot log, turns out I had nothing to write, then I wanted to play some games.

I played Magic Sword but I got bored, then I switch to the dancing game which triggered me several times and at some point I lost control and went for music videos and finally finished to porn.

I drank quite a lot of coffee today, and I didn't really plan to relapse. I looked at my counter, was almost 20 days, but I chose the instant gratification over my counter.

I guess I get what I deserve for starting so unfocused. It's past 10:00 PM, and I was regulating my sleep. I slept well and ate healthy for 2 weeks, my sleep was starting to regulate.

I know I might not have the courage to start over the next days. I should really get back on track and give no excuses.

Failed myself again. I couldn't hold my game addiction and one thing led to another.

I've been compulsively thinking about girls and I think it's not healthy. I don't want a girlfriend right now. I'm probably better with games and porn. Makes any sense?

Day 0 / 90

I used to judge people who constantly relapsed and journalled it. Now I'm doing the same.

I admire people who can do this on their first try. I tried hard to have a decent streak on my first try because I wanted to finish it in one go. Guess I couldn't.

Normally I'd say now I'm reviewing  my goals, which I am, but the truth and I know it, I just want to keep fapping to bear my loneliness. I'm thinking constantly about real girls when I'm on NoFap and for me, this is not a good thing.

Hatsune Miku and the pixel and crayon women do not want anything from me. I don't even need to be faithful to Hatsune Miku. I'm getting a reminder of why I want to learn Japanese.

I probably won't quit my reboot. But I need stronger motives to do it. Right now it seems it's not a big deal if I indulge in PMO during the weekends. Yeah, I could be studying, but I already work hard and extra times during the week. Nobody can judge me. I judge on my behalf.

I started reading the Satanic Bible to get rid of sexual shame. I don't see as too wrong what I'm doing. The only problem is I said I wanted to quit, and I really want to, well, not that much.

I am listening to a song I really like, from deep in my heart. I learn new songs from anime, I don't know what I love more in those activities, if it's the anime or the games. And I'll play with an old Eroge which I play from a long time and I missed it quite a bit. I used to play it when I was unemployed and I wish I could play it without shame, having a job. Which is my situation now

Maybe I'm rationalizing. It doesn't all make sense. But in some sort of a way, it does. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. There's a reason I PMO after all.