I need help

Hi,

My name is iwanttobeagoodman and I am addicted to porn. I also have problems living out porn fantasies with prostitutes, which is illegal, and puts me at risk of things like deadly STDs and the law, extortion, literally risking everything I have, relationships, career, everything.

I have lost multiple relationships because of ED and/or losing interest in my partner, which goes away when I have been able to cut out porn, which I've somewhat been able to do in the last 3 years or so.

I've managed to cut it out for 90 day stretches maybe twice in the last 3 years, but it keeps creeping back in, slowly looking at CraigsList, dating sites, then ads for prostitutes, then full on porn videos, quickly progressing to really sick shit, downward spiral, we all know the story. The type of shit I really can't write in case anyone ever actually linked this to me.

Things usually first creep in sorta by the back door, "oh I'll just look at X real quick just to see,  it doesn't matter because I'm out of town, I won't have to perform sexually for a while anyway, just this one time etc". Travelling a lot lately the "oh I'm out of town" excuse has been used basically EVERY time.

My behavior absolutely horrifies me when I have clarity and can reflect on it (like now). Its really amazing how I can't get this one thing under control. Its completely compulsive. I just feel this urge arise within me, my brain makes some excuse or rationalization, and I'm back in it.

I've made some progress over where I was, and I think I am capable of dong this, but I am still risking literally everything right now. I could easily just throw my entire life away. 

What I learned from my recent problem:
I make random little excuses like "Oh I'm out of town, one little look at this stuff isn't going to hurt THAT much this ONE time.". I need to catch these excused and choose to stop this. Its like I need to keep one step ahead of the excuse making mechanisms and defeat new excuses as they arise. I want to have a good sex life in real life.


I want to be a better man.

FOCUS on these Goals:
Be able to be alone, e.g. travel somewhere alone, spend an evening on my own, without defaulting to porn. Reach a point where those urges don't arise.
Sexually confident, not always worried about ED, worried about when the last time I looked at porn was.
Fix my weird porn induced sexual fetishes.
Be more social
Have a solid relationship with my partner, not always thinking about how long its been since we had sex and if its been weirdly long.
Don't lose her.
Be having good sex maybe twice a week.
Be able to have a drink without worrying about what I might do.
Let go of the guilt and the shame.
Free up time for other more productive and fulfilling things.
Be able to look at myself in the mirror.
Keep new laptop eternally porn free

[DAY 1] (I shall aim to post daily in the morning. Where can I go here?)

Hello iwanttobeagoodman

Well done for coming on here and writing that.

I'm in a similar position and only 34 days since I hit absolute rock bottom.  I've not see my wife or children in that time and I don't know what's going to happen over the coming weeks and months.

A couple of things that have helped me start my journey are writing on here (and some other reboot / nofap sites), deleting every single account I have e.g. to chat sites, hookup sites etc, seeing a therapist and getting in with SAA.

Maybe some will work for you and some wont.  But have a think about it maybe.

Also, a major thing for me is that when I'm here dragging along the bottom, I have nothing.  Nothing except the love I have for my wife and children.  At the moment I still have them and that is my motivation.  Think what yours might be and absolutely cling on to it for all it's worth.

Keep posting, keep believing that you are a good person!

P.

Hey pdw123. Your reply means a lot.

You are not alone.

I'm at rock bottom too. Lets try to move forward together.

This is my new journey. I'm going to try to post daily in the mornings.

They cycle has usually been, go a while without looking at porn, my sexual function returns and I start behaving more normally, less social anxiety, etc.

I then rationalize "rewarding myself", because it won't do much harm to just look at backpage once right? You are now on the slippery slope. This cycle of behaviour continues, you end up with ED, or living out your porn fantasies and hitting rock bottom. You then vow to do better and stay off porn for a month or so until you feel better / recover somewhat.

Wash-rinse-repeat.

I need to figure out how to break this cycle. Starting now, posting daily in the morning to keep track of my progress.

Today, I feel so down at rock bottom that there's no way porn is an option, but how long will that feeling last? I am an addict and the addiction cycle is powerful as hell.

[Day 1, 0 relapses]

A lot of parallels between you and me. I have started this, relapsed, sworn off all of it and started again, and relapsed again...quite a few times over the last few years. This time feels different for me.

While with my wife, porn has done a lot to mess with my head, my performance in bed, and my emotions. It has made it easier to quit this time because I stopped even enjoying looking at it or PMOing. I love my wife with all my heart and I am more attracted to her than I have ever been to anyone, and I don't want to deprive her, or us, of a great sex life because I can't focus on work or whatever else is important during the day. That has been the key for me: focusing on the really important things. Work, hobbies, video games that won't trigger me, and coming here all help.

Hang in there. I am approaching 3 weeks cold turkey and while I have not felt a huge temptation yet, I know it has to be coming at some point, so this site is very important to me not slipping back into old habits.

JasonGuitar said:

A lot of parallels between you and me. I have started this, relapsed, sworn off all of it and started again, and relapsed again...quite a few times over the last few years. This time feels different for me.

While with my wife, porn has done a lot to mess with my head, my performance in bed, and my emotions. It has made it easier to quit this time because I stopped even enjoying looking at it or PMOing. I love my wife with all my heart and I am more attracted to her than I have ever been to anyone, and I don't want to deprive her, or us, of a great sex life because I can't focus on work or whatever else is important during the day. That has been the key for me: focusing on the really important things. Work, hobbies, video games that won't trigger me, and coming here all help.

Hang in there. I am approaching 3 weeks cold turkey and while I have not felt a huge temptation yet, I know it has to be coming at some point, so this site is very important to me not slipping back into old habits.

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You know man, this time feel different for me too. I also feel like coming here and posting regularly will help immensely.

I know this can be done. But it might be the hardest thing I've ever done. Then that said it may be the most rewarding too.

[Day 2, 0 relapses]

Coming here helps me a lot. Just seeing the other stories and that I am not alone. My problem in the past is I just stopped coming here. I rationalized what I was doing by saying "everyone masturbates, this is stupid". But I am seeing nothing but positive changes about 3 weeks in and I just want to keep going.

It is also nice to not have to double and triple check my phone and my computer that I've closed windows and deleted traces of what I'd been doing. If my wife needs to use my phone for something, I don't need to go through everything in my head and worry there are pictures I didn't delete or that I didn't log out of a messaging app and a message might come through while she has my phone. Such stupid things to worry about.

JasonGuitar said:

Coming here helps me a lot. Just seeing the other stories and that I am not alone. My problem in the past is I just stopped coming here. I rationalized what I was doing by saying "everyone masturbates, this is stupid". But I am seeing nothing but positive changes about 3 weeks in and I just want to keep going.

It is also nice to not have to double and triple check my phone and my computer that I've closed windows and deleted traces of what I'd been doing. If my wife needs to use my phone for something, I don't need to go through everything in my head and worry there are pictures I didn't delete or that I didn't log out of a messaging app and a message might come through while she has my phone. Such stupid things to worry about.

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I agree. I'm going to very much try to get into a routine of coming here every morning, at least on weekdays. Tell me about the phone stuff. That drives me crazy with paranoia. I could just imagine the horror of being caught out which probably would happen eventually.

I'm doing okay today. I'm 1/30 the way to 90 days lol. Haven't had any desire to do anything dumb. I want to be better. I feel like even if I do this the daemons of the things I've seen and done will always be with me, but I guess I can live with that.

Day 3 [0 relapses]

The further away from all of it I get, the better I feel, and that is only 3ish weeks in. I can't imagine how I'll feel when I hit a month, three months, a year? I am feeling excited about my relationship with my wife in a way I haven't in a long time, and I think she can tell too.

Things are going fine right now. I did catch myself passively browsing friends photos on facebook this morning, which probably isn't great. Wasn't even a compulsive thing, just total autopilot, but I caught myself and stopped.

Overall though, I'm moving onward and things have been fine. I'm excited to see where this could potentially got, I just don't trust my future self all that much to not fuck things up. So I need to keep on top of posting and keep on top of this diary.

I also appreciate the input from others, it helps to know somebody is watching!!

[Day 4, 0 Relapses]

I have tried to stay away from social media, especially Instagram, while going through this. Of course a really attractive woman I worked with years ago just sent me a request on LinkedIn, haha. Temptation is EVERYWHERE, but I'm getting better at turning a blind eye to it and focusing on something else.

Posting here, whether in my own diary or on others' threads helps me too. There are literally so many men going through this same thing, and at least those of us here have recognized it and are making a conscious effort to change.

You know, when I reflect on my porn career, I've been to some really fucked up depths and some really bad places. I wonder what it means about me. I also wonder, how does any guy not get addicted to this shit? Its weird I've never been addicted to anything else. I guess there's an awareness that, say heroine, is bad. With porn I think in the very beginning was oblivious to it being harmful, but soon enough I think I caught on that it was fucked up, even in my early teenage years I was like "what the fuck am I looking at here" and would be disgusted with myself after the fact. So I've known this shit is wrong for the best part of 20 years. And it sill has some sort of hold on me. Absolutely crazy stuff. I continue with the struggle.

I appreciate aspect of my life a lot. I have some really good things going one. Some great people. I think I've gotten where I am at least in part because I've been able to drag myself out of it a little bit, to regulate it to a point where it isn't a horrific problem, just a problem. But that said I hate that it still has this small hold on me. My reason's for not kicking it completely have I would say been that I have felt deep down like I can tread a line with it, but that's come close to backfiring on me plenty of times. I just need to let this shit go. Just let it go.

If I had full dominion over myself I'm confident to say I would NEVER look at porn again. Why don't I have full dominion over myself, how can I achieve that? Gaining consciousness I would guess, higher levels of thinking and self control. Mastering this should have useful knock on effects in other areas too. To be honest, maybe getting myself out of the completely horrendous place I was in already has, but I know there's another level there, the level of being truly clean for the longest period of time, so it doesn't seem part of me anymore. I think I can get there.

I always told myself that people were wrong that porn was bad, in general or for relationships. I thought looking at porn and MO was healthy and just a part of being human (and male). I didn't really buy into all the articles and research that show how destructive it can be for relationships or just men's views of women and sex in general. Now I totally get that as I reflect on my sex life. It took being married to the love of my life and having some pretty awful feelings, caused and precipitated by porn, for me to want to kick porn all together.

Maybe for some men porn isn't that bad. Maybe they can differentiate more easily between real life and porn. Maybe porn is just images to serve a purpose (MO) and that's that. I used to think about my PMO habits compared to other men, average men. Did they PMO for hours on end like I did, or was it just a one and done thing, really quick? I used to think maybe that would be healthier, and I used to try to do that. See a trigger, take care of business, back to work. It never worked that way, it always turned into HOURS for me, missed work deadlines, rushing to pick up the kids because I delayed my O to the last possible second...

I've thought maybe it's like alcohol to a casual drinker versus an alcoholic. Casual drinkers can have a few with dinner or out with friends, and go on with their life. Alcoholics have more of a dependency and addiction and it isn't as simple as 'beers with the guys.' I'm sure a lot of us know alcoholics who have quit drinking, and quit FOR GOOD. There is no 'one beer with dinner' or just one glass of wine. If you're an addict or an alcoholic, you always are. I am trying to view porn in the same way. I've known men who have completely changed their outlook on life and alcohol and just don't need it anymore. They aren't tempted because they know how bad it can be and they have been down that road. I feel like I am at the same place with porn. I value my real sex life so much more than a quickie in my office alone on Monday morning.

Yep I agree completely.

I think once you see yourself as an addict and remove the possibility of indulging it should make things easier, if not straightforward.

My porn habits were also totally messed up to the point that I don't believe it was average or normal. I do know other people in real life who've admitted to having problems with it though and I do wonder what average actually looks like for porn use. In any case, I can be fairly confident I was on a fairly extreme end of the continuum. Why, who knows, I guess its how my brain was wired. I have no addictive tenancies to anything else really though, so its a strange one that this took such a hold on me.

All the same shit you are talking about though: i.e. at a point where you can clearly and blatantly see the negative effects on your life, but you literally can't control yourself or stop. The definition of an addict I guess. A destructive force that I had been powerless to control, but I think that's about to change.

Things are going okay. Haven't had any problems. But the daemons are always just around the corner. Don't get too comfortable son.

Doing okay now. The very odd pang of temptation has hit me in the last few days, but I've been able to check it very quickly.

MAYBE this is it. I'm out of the rabbit hole that I dived down nearly 20 years ago. 20 years lost in that shit. Holy shit.

[Day 9, 0 relapses]

I'm feeling quite alive. I feel so much better about myself and life in general when I haven't been diving into that cesspool.

My energy is up.

Confidence is up.

Self esteem is high.

Social anxiety is low.

Focus is good.

Work ethic is strong.

Wasting less time.

I need to keep on top of things and keep on the right side of the edge of this cliff.

[Day 12, 0 relapses]

Keep going man, you're doing great.

If you're anything like me there will be some big temptations coming up just when you feel things are going really good. Fight through those, they do go away after a little while. Your brain will do crazy shit to try and convince you that just peaking at a little porn is okay. As soon as you hear that going on in your brain step away from the computer, those porn spirals are really tough to get out of as soon as you start them, as I am sure you probably already know.

I have just recently been though the stage you are in (I am on day 39 now), so the ups and downs of it are still fresh in my mind. Ride the peak you are going through as long as you can and rack up as many no-porn days as you can while the going is good. If the tough times do hit, then just go back to getting through it one day at a time. Know that the easier times will return. Keep your mind on your triggers (or try to figure out what your triggers are, I discovered mine is stress) and use them like hazard signs to know when your temptation to look at porn is going to be really high.

Not sure if any of this advice will help, but I want to offer people encouragement wherever I can. My reboot has been having a really positive impact on my life, and I really want others to experience it too. Fro what I have read of your journal, it sounds like you are already well on your way.

I wish you the best of luck.

Moth-head said:

Keep going man, you're doing great.

If you're anything like me there will be some big temptations coming up just when you feel things are going really good. Fight through those, they do go away after a little while. Your brain will do crazy shit to try and convince you that just peaking at a little porn is okay. As soon as you hear that going on in your brain step away from the computer, those porn spirals are really tough to get out of as soon as you start them, as I am sure you probably already know.

I have just recently been though the stage you are in (I am on day 39 now), so the ups and downs of it are still fresh in my mind. Ride the peak you are going through as long as you can and rack up as many no-porn days as you can while the going is good. If the tough times do hit, then just go back to getting through it one day at a time. Know that the easier times will return. Keep your mind on your triggers (or try to figure out what your triggers are, I discovered mine is stress) and use them like hazard signs to know when your temptation to look at porn is going to be really high.

Not sure if any of this advice will help, but I want to offer people encouragement wherever I can. My reboot has been having a really positive impact on my life, and I really want others to experience it too. Fro what I have read of your journal, it sounds like you are already well on your way.

I wish you the best of luck.

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This is all great advice man. I think over the 3 years or so I've spent taking this journey seriously I've learnt more than enough to be able to keep it going this time. I know what my triggers are, I know where I'll end up if I give in to them. I have a pretty good idea how to stop my thoughts spiraling out of control. I SHOULD be able to do this.

Life is so much better, like soooo much better when I'm not worrying about the cesspool.

[day 13, 0 relapses]