JasonGuitar
Active Member
Starting a new journal as my old one was last updated almost two years ago and I want a fresh start this time.
My girlfriend at that time has now become my wife, and we have settled into a great little life together with us and her children from her previous marriage. Admittedly, between my last post here (mid-2016) and now, I have had many periods of relapse, swearing off of porn, and relapse again. This time, I am in it for the long haul. I am just done with the physical issues and what porn has done to me mentally.
Porn has affected me my entire life in relationships, and has really reared its head in my marriage in a way it never has before. My wife has gained a little weight (I hardly notice) since we first started dating in 2015, which has made her feel self conscious, and less likely to want to get naked and feel sexy enough to have sex with me. I understand that, but I also internalize it. It reinforces this stupid idea that I want her to be more like one of these pornstars. I feel like she doesn't 'want me' like she should, which leads me to thinking I am somehow not fulfilling her sexually, or that I'm boring in bed. I know this isn't true. She has shown me that and told me that, and I believe it, but I just feel so inferior and self conscious. This only adds to my performance anxiety when we do have sex, because I want it to be good. I want it to be 'porn good,' whatever that is. So if I finish too quickly, or we only have sex in one position, I am quiet afterwards and she asks me what's wrong, and I just don't feel like it was good enough for her.
There is more, but this entry is already long enough. This porn bullshit has only added to the physical symptoms of this issue. I am just ready to stop all of it and just focus on the here and now in my relationship both in and out of bed.
My girlfriend at that time has now become my wife, and we have settled into a great little life together with us and her children from her previous marriage. Admittedly, between my last post here (mid-2016) and now, I have had many periods of relapse, swearing off of porn, and relapse again. This time, I am in it for the long haul. I am just done with the physical issues and what porn has done to me mentally.
Porn has affected me my entire life in relationships, and has really reared its head in my marriage in a way it never has before. My wife has gained a little weight (I hardly notice) since we first started dating in 2015, which has made her feel self conscious, and less likely to want to get naked and feel sexy enough to have sex with me. I understand that, but I also internalize it. It reinforces this stupid idea that I want her to be more like one of these pornstars. I feel like she doesn't 'want me' like she should, which leads me to thinking I am somehow not fulfilling her sexually, or that I'm boring in bed. I know this isn't true. She has shown me that and told me that, and I believe it, but I just feel so inferior and self conscious. This only adds to my performance anxiety when we do have sex, because I want it to be good. I want it to be 'porn good,' whatever that is. So if I finish too quickly, or we only have sex in one position, I am quiet afterwards and she asks me what's wrong, and I just don't feel like it was good enough for her.
There is more, but this entry is already long enough. This porn bullshit has only added to the physical symptoms of this issue. I am just ready to stop all of it and just focus on the here and now in my relationship both in and out of bed.