Pursuit of a Hygienic Living

Day 0

Hello to everyone that happens to read this opening entry.

I do not wish this to be a contrived opening statement, wrapped in hopes and wishes, buoyed by the new calendar year and the optimism it brings.  I wish this introductory note, as well as all the accounts ahead, to be written in candid plain language and to appear as a straight forward account of a necessary transition.

I am now thirty-four and, admittedly, a rather immature man.  There are many facets of my being that I wish to improve, however, as a start, I feel overcoming PMO is a necessary start.  A number of years ago, I managed to achieve 64 days without PMO.  It was a time during which I felt very good: strong, confident and, most of all, happy with myself.  This is the feeling I wish to strive towards again.

This journal will be an account of this process, as well as a few notes in regard to other positive developments I attempt, in regard to becoming a whole, complete and mature adult male.

Thanks, and I wish everyone all the very best of luck in the New Year.  I look forward to reading the journals of everyone else whom writes here.  Cheers!

Welcome CL,

I wish you the best as well. Im also commited to achieving a new me.

I understand your perspective of false optimism, I have many new years fallen half way thru January. But I personally feel I still want to ride the sails of fresh air this new year brings; at least that how I feel about it.

We can do this!

Thanks for your note and good wishes, toph.  Perhaps I shouldn't be so pessimistic - you've given me something to think about.  I've read through your journal and our backgrounds, as well as experiences with porn and trying to give up PMO, have quite a few similarities.  Keep going yourself and I look forward to adding a supportive voice over the coming weeks.

Day 1

At the current time of writing, it has passed over into the next day where I live (eastern Europe), so I feel I can label this new entry as 'Day 1' now.  Alright, it's only a few minutes into 'Day 1', however I want to share my thoughts at this midnight hour (not quite the witching hour, or the time when one experiences the dark night of the soul), as I am being kept awake by a feeling of apprehension.

Part of this is due to the fact that I am back at work tomorrow, after a good twenty-days of festive/holiday absence.  Yet the chief reason is that I worry I will, once again, be unable to help myself achieve the title of this thread: a hygienic living.  I hope to expand upon this more in future entries, yet for now the simplest explanation for what I mean is that I wish to have a healthy attitude to human sexual relationships.  Not something ruled by fantasy and false-desired - just 'normal' (though I've not quite figured out what this is, especially now at this late hour).

As it is, I am both nervous and excited about the days ahead.

This will do for now, as I will attempt to sleep again.  Goodnight everyone!

Congrats on day 1.
I totally understand the nerves and excitement, I feel the same way.

Day 1 continued....

As with past experiences, now - unfortunately - spread over a period of four-to-five years, my first days and weeks of a new 'streak' always follow the same route.  So, according to script, at the end of today, the first, I feel absolutely fine.  I have no wish to watch pornography, no desire to masturbate, no temptation to even edge.  This will be the case tomorrow also, as will be the case on Friday (my third day).  Matters will begin to grow less simple over the weekend, as the fourth day kicks in.  Too be honest, my normal non-PMO schedule coinciding with the weekend is not the most opportune time, as this weekend I will be on my own.  I need to come up with a strategy to cope with this, so any suggestions from anyone whom happens to read this post would be most appreciated.  In fact, I am considering going into work, to pull myself away from temptations found in the home.

Perhaps the only relevant news from this first day is that I was very aware of one of my key triggers.  This being: stress at work (perhaps going to work over the weekend is not a good idea then?!).  In the most stressful moments today, my thirsty brain was begging for a hit of whatever chemical - dopamine et al - PMO offers to satisfy it with.  Lots has been written about PMO being used as an avoidance technique, to enable those of us addicted to its sweet nectar to hide from pain or difficulty.  This is certainly true for me, so I need to be aware of stress triggers, particularly during and after the weekend.

Thanks for reading everyone.  Good luck with your own reboot attempts.

P.S.  If anyone has any recommendations for interesting videos on pornography addiction, please kindly share them with me.

One final thought I wish to share... As well as trying to quit PMO, I also am trying to decrease my alcohol in take.  I do not touch spirits, very rarely drink wine, so I am principally referring to beer.  Today, like with PMO, was my first day of not drinking at home.  In truth, this was much more difficult than avoiding pornography and masturbation.  I like a beer in the evening, I do!

Maybe focus on one at a time, Ive heard you can achieve more if you consider small steps first.

Day 2

Today was a difficult one for me.  Possibly going against what I wrote in a previous post, I feel that the changes I've made may have influenced me negatively today.  There was an incident at work which has given me pause for thought.  I am a teacher, and the past two days have been the first back after the Xmas break.  Students are tired, trying to adjust from a vacation routine to a working one.  In the last lesson of the day, I completely lost it with two students.  Like normal teenagers they were complaining and moaning a little bit, and - as I wrote - I lost it.  I became instantly very nervous, thinking they were being rude to me, and my legs started to shake.  Probably as a reaction to feeling weak, I chewed them out to an extent and shouted at a level I probably should not have.  Now, I admit I am rather stressed at the moment.  I have A LOT of work on, so maybe it was nerves centred around this too.  However, I do think going from 3/4 wanks a day, as well as 3/4 beers a day, combined with a change in diet, may also have contributed to this reaction.

As ever any thoughts from anyone on this would be most appreciated.

Thanks again to you toph for commenting on my thread.  I feel that you may have a degree of second sight, for today - amidst my nervous moment - I was craving a beer.  This was to the extent that I left work and immediately went to my favourite bar to have a beer and something to eat, in a bid to calm down.  I had 2 1/2 beers, so not so bad, but I agree with you once more toph that perhaps I should focus purely on PMO, rather than two big things at once.  As a compromise, I think I will pledge to just not consume any beer at home, whereas having a beer outside of home will both get me out of the house (away from PMO/computer temptations), but also help me to calm down in certain moments.

Thanks again to everyone for reading!

Day 3 - Morning

Knowing that I have an outlet to relate my feelings to, meaning this forum, is currently a great source of comfort to me.  This morning is a prime example of this.

I woke up early, 90-minutes earlier than normal.  Throughout my life I have always had great anxiety when it comes to sleep.  If I feel I am not getting enough, whether it be not falling asleep soon-enough, waking in night, or waking up too early, I easily grow very stressed and begin to think that this will compound upon an untold number of other anxieties (making me feel worse).  Today, the reason for this is due to the high amount of work-pressure I am under at the moment, outlined in a previous post.  The reason why I am writing this on a NoFap forum, as opposed to one centred on more general anxiety issues, is due to the fact that my immediate though - upon waking up - was to masturbate, or play with my penis, in order to relieve this stress.  Certainly, this is a trigger warning and something to be aware of during this time in my life.

Other morning observations: I have a mild, dull headache, which has been present ever since yesterday; no morning erection; now I am awake, I do not feel any particular need or desire to masturbate or watch pornography.

Have a good day everyone.

Good Job CL!

[size=12pt]Day 4[/size]

I awoke with true urges today, to the point that I was on the verge of edging.  However, I managed to pull myself round and these sensations did not lead to anything.

For the next few weeks, I am trying to avoiding touching my penis as much as possible - asides from the usual daily actions of course.  I do have an unfortunate, childish habit, of 'playing with my penis' when I am bored, something akin to what a toddler would do.  To combat this I once,  in the past, would place an elastic band around my wrist.  Whenever I had an urge I would flick it, pull it up an down above my wrist.  This really worked for me, so I feel I will go back to it.

On the drinking front, I am sticking to my pledge to not drink alcohol at home.  So far, as it is now Saturday evening where I live, I have not had a single beer today.  On top of this, I am trying to be more mindful when it comes to diet.  I am watching my diet and calorie intake on myfitnesspal.com, which has always served me well when it has come to losing weight in the past.  I am not 'fat' by any means, perhaps 4-kilos over-weight, yet I wish to eat more healthily.  Four years ago, I managed to get myself to a high level of fitness.  However, I now recall, thinking back to sweating whilst running however many kilometres I was doing on the treadmill, that all the time - then - I was thinking about how, when I got home from the gym, my favourite porn videos were waiting for me.  I wish I had known about the dangers of PMO addiction then, as I had managed to reach a very high level of self-discipline.

Day 5 tomorrow, half-way to double figures (I always feel like this is the first true road-marker).  Have a great weekend everyone!

We kinda had a similar day today, almost going over the edge. Im glad to hear you made it as well.
Heres to one more day:  !

[size=12pt]Day 5[/size]

Cheers toph, as ever thanks for your positive words of encouragement.

Awoke this morning, after a decent practically undisturbed sleep, with no urges to masturbate at all.  The feeling of a need to masturbate is always what comes first to me, and this this is the avenue that directly leads to porn usage again.  Yet, this morning - to repeat - it was not there.

I have to say though, that I was a little bit silly.  It was so pleasing to wake up without the 'urge', as was the case yesterday, that I began focussing on the need 'not to masturbate'.  As such, once I got back into bed with a cup of coffee, it was as if I had artificially implanted a need to masturbate.  Rather than grabbing my cock, I grabbed my laptop.  Before going to bed last night I read a great article that detailed the best method of overcoming PMO is to not think about it to deeply and essentially allow not indulging to become habit.  It was based on a journal written by someone on here, yet the article itself was on yourbrainonporn.  Food for thought....

It always feels comforting to write here, so I am pleased to be penning these words to everyone this morning.  I hope everyone's day goes well.

Clown Loach -

Really encouraged to hear of your progress this week. Don't stop fighting, friend. We're grateful to have you on the forum here.

These first two weeks are the hardest, I'm rounding the curb on my 3rd.  You'll notice a correlation between PMO and alcohol, both used in different ways to numb ourselves. I've found great hope in learning WHAT I'm trying to numb. What brokenness do I seek to fill from PMO.  Hard questions, but it's helped me dig into the root of my addiction. 

Looking forward to hearing from you on this journey.

Hi CL, just read your thread after seeing you post on mine. It was a great read and I am left thinking how very similar we are in many ways.

I have struggled for years with poor sleep, really poor at times, and worrying about poor sleep - how will I cope at work tomorrow if I don?t sleep by 2am, 3am, 4am etc which inevitably leads to no sleep at all and a feeling that I can only describe as worse than a hangover for the entire length of the next day before desperately hoping for an ok sleep to feel better.

Coupled with this I have suffered from anxiety from time to time, sometimes completely irrationally - which has left me soul searching as to why I feel this way and what is wrong with me. Considered seeing a counsellor before talking myself out of it many times because a) I have a good life, b) a great job, c) enough money, d) lots of friends etc etc and nothing bad has ever happened to me in my childhood or otherwise. So why am I feeling this way and struggling so much? Throw in de-motivation for hobbies and general pessimism and it sums me up nicely!

On top of this I struggle with drinking - not to alcoholic levels, but I can easily drink every day out of habit, and occasionally get p!ssed at home for no particular reason - boredom generally. That goes hand in hand with PMO sometimes, especially when a hangover is involved as well. Apart from Christmas I have been doing very well on that front. I have tried only drinking at weekends in the past but it never lasts for me because what happens when a works do crops up on a Monday? Or friends invite you out on a Tuesday? Inevitably I end up ?writing the week off? and starting again the next Monday (which doesn?t happen!)

My recent plan has been to only drink when there is a ?reason?. So birthdays, celebrations, nights organised out with friends, friends coming over etc. But not just for the sake of it. It can mean I got 2or 3 weeks without anything and then maybe I?m invited for after work drinks on a Monday night and I can feel no shame in saying yes and enjoying myself. It?s like giving up for good, but not, because a social event of sorts or a celebration will always be not too far away. I recommend trying it as it?s the best method I have tried and stuck to over the last 20 years or so.

Anyway, I am rambling. Keep the good work up, I hope I can follow in your path and in a few months time we will both be feeling like well moraled, respectable and respected adults.

Hi CL - thanks for the message on my thread

Well, you said one of my last paragraphs you could have written yourself, and I can say the same to your last post! Exactly the same problem with sleep. I can be out like a light within 10mins or getting into bed, but I will wake regularly during the night. Sometimes getting back to sleep again, and sometimes not - the nights where I don?t get back to sleep again after waking around 3:30/4 are the ones I dread the most.

But who knows, it?s interesting to find someone with so many similar problems to my own - and that is just after reading a few threads on the forum, so imagine how many other people going through the same there could be. That?s why I am coming to the conclusion after so much reading that all lot of my problems could all be due to PMO

PMO - leading to Anxiety/depression/insomnia/low self esteem
Alcohol - used to combat the above
Leading to more PMO
Repeat

And so it is why I am filled with so much excitement this time that after years of wondering what was wrong with me, maybe PMO was the key. I will follow your thread with great interest as it will be decent evidence if we are finding the same benefits occur that?s for sure

No beers for me tonight - unfortunately still getting used to my regime after drinking through Xmas - so I am working my way through a fair bit if chocolate. But hey, of all my problems I think putting in a few pounds would be an acceptable vice!

Day 5 - Evening

As the weekend is drawing to a close in my part of the world, I am pleased to have made it through the weekend without any particular problems.  High urges on Saturday, yet I managed to overcome them, whilst today - Sunday - has been rather tame in respect of anything PMO related.

From the morning, through the afternoon to the evening, what I am aware of is that I have extra energy inside me.  To put it a bit crudely, it's like there is a 'spirit' waiting to get out.  I feel like I just want to run and run.  Hopefully this will carry over to tomorrow, so I can ride the momentum and be confident at work.

Day 6

Almost a week.  It's a good sign that I am excited to get tomorrow over with, so to complete the week, then onwards to double digits and ten days. 

Probably best not to get too ahead of myself, however.....

Onto the real post: today was quite a positive day, however now - in the evening, since I got home from work - I feel a little overcome by a feeling that somehow resembles a balloon with too much air.  With this has come a little fear that a true urge to relapse will soon reveal itself.  The 'old boy' is feeling neglected....

One thing I must remember is this: do not let optimism and a small feeling of success override things.  Yes it is OK to allow this experience to be positive, however I must not let it carry me away.  Each time I must take a step back and remember that I am in this for the long haul.  At 34, I really do need to beat this.  As always, thanks for reading everyone.

CL.

Day 6 - Further Thoughts

The pent up energy I have is nuts, even after only 6 days.  Each evening, all I feel like doing is walking.  The past couple of nights I have gone for a long walk, before heading off to bed (where I type from now, on my laptop).  This has led me to think about something.  During my last longest streak of 64 days (or thereabouts - I know it's in the low sixties!) I admit that I edged throughout.  Asides from mangling my nuts, this I have realised must have caused an impure NoFap streak.  So far so good, in regard to this problem, and I will do my utmost to avoid edging.  I should just try and remember how long it took me to start feeling any benefits, whilst edging through no-PMO, and how I feel now after only 6 days (yes, I know I might be getting ahead of myself......).

One more thought, if you'll permit me: today, like yesterday, I had a greater urge to drink a beer as opposed to PMO.  For four years I have had the habit of leaving work and, when reaching home, buying three or four beers from a local shop.  This is certainly as bad a habit as PMO and, upon reflection, just as destructive. 

Perhaps not drinking for a few days is another reason as to why I am feeling pretty good too.

Day 7 - Morning

Awoke this morning feeling rather sluggish, with a small, full, headache.  No idea of this is PMO related, or just the morning blues.

Onward we march!