Author Topic: my toughest hike  (Read 565 times)

toph

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my toughest hike
« on: August 02, 2017, 03:40:15 PM »
I'm 32 years old. I've been married for almost 10 years, have 2 boys and a girl (7,5,1). I love going hiking, I love the challenge. But by far, this has been my toughest hike-journey ever. I heard about this place online and want to give this battle all I have again.
I've been hooked on Porn since I was 14 when a friend gave me a magazine. After that, I discovered it on my computer at home and I haven't ever been able away from it for more than 1 month... ever! I thought getting married would help, but we all know how foolish that thought is. My wife knows about my struggle, I've come clean a few times to her and she has caught me a few too. My kids have never seen me, thank goodness.
Recently I have been having trouble during sex time. I'm having a hard time achieving an orgasm, and I have even had to fake it because it's going to long.
I don't want this to continue dominating over me. I don't want my kids to know about my addiction. I just want to finally get rid of this shit that rules over me.
I hope to hear from some of you guys that struggle the same way and to encourage each other. Thanks for hearing me. Here goes to day 1.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2017, 10:13:37 AM by toph »



toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2017, 04:30:32 PM »
I would love to finish August without PMO'ing. That would be great!



DesperateToHeal

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2017, 07:40:23 PM »
Hey Toph man. Congratulations on making that first step and joining this site. I thought for years I could do this alone and without support and that's why again and again I failed. I know you'll find a community here that will get you through these tough times. Every time you think you may relapse my advice would be to think of your kids and ask yourself; would you want this addiction for them? Stay strong brother and keep up the good work!!

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2017, 01:04:33 PM »
Fuck! Just did PMO
day 0



DesperateToHeal

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2017, 03:44:41 PM »
Not to worry. Dust yourself off and get back on the wagon. Also think about the hours leading up to the relapse; did something stressful occur, were you bored, etc. Breaking down and thinking about your daily routine that can lead to a relapse is very important.

js2004

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2017, 05:56:16 PM »
I second the above.  Take a look at the time leading up to it.  Learn from it so the next time you can properly deal with it.  The urges aren't going to stop, they just get more managble. Also if your wife knows then use her as support. Trust me it's a big help.  Your children are very young don't waste the precious time you have with them on P&M.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2017, 09:30:22 AM »
Day 1

Thanks guys for your replies.

I have been thinking about what lead to this moment; loneliness and work pressure; I used PMO as an escape.

Today I had a good start. I was alone in the morning, I usually wake up earlier than everyone else and these tend to be moments I go down the P drain. But I stayed focused, read a book and meditated a bit, which is strange for me because I usually don to that.

Hey... any of you guys have heard that Spanish song "despacito"? It's so good! I love the tunes and the video. I think it's recorded in Colombia or Mexico. The only caution is to be careful because it has a very hot chick in it. But the song sounds awesome.

Let's get our game on guys!



toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2017, 07:29:59 PM »
day 2

still hanging in there. today I was pretty focused on my family, so that helped me stay cool. Feeling good about that!



DesperateToHeal

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2017, 03:27:21 AM »
Fantastic man! Good focus area to keep you strong. Knock this addiction bullshit out of the park!

Terrapin86

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2017, 12:48:48 PM »
Good job, I second using meditation, it helps me.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2017, 06:14:51 AM »
day 2

fell off the wagon on Sunday. Woke up in the middle of the night, went down to the kitchen for a snack and then just couldn't shake the thought of that usual girl out of my head. Popped up my computer and went for a hell ride. Man, I hate that!
Yesterday I was clean, sharing with family. Today, let's see... I grabbed my penis right before opening my browser, but instead of going to P I came here. Hope I can keep on doing this.



Mediadude20

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #11 on: August 08, 2017, 08:49:10 AM »
Good job for coming back here again and making a stand. As the old saying goes...if you fall down 7 times, get back up 8 times!
The first 10 days for me had the toughest cravings, it was like trying to step-stone over a river a molten hot lava. One wrong foot and I would be gone. But what really helped me conquer that initial shock withdrawal was to really realize that porn was destroying my ability to even perform(PIED) that which I was fantasizing about doing while watching it. That's why it's so destructive and insidious. I would force myself to realize this fact, to re-think it again & again.... porn betrays you, injures you & takes away your ability to have sex, it doesn't add to it.... Just my thoughts.

Stay strong brother.

js2004

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #12 on: August 08, 2017, 10:27:00 AM »
Stay foucused. I would take a look at what lead you to P&M the last two times and try to learn from it. There is a lot more to your life than wasting time with P.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2017, 01:41:02 PM »
day 0
Seems like I really don't want this. I need to keep up fighting this shit!



js2004

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2017, 05:18:37 PM »
I think you really need to figure that out. I'm going to play devils advocate but your children are way to young to lose their father to this addiction. You can beat this, trust me, there are 1000 of success stories on here. Read them and learn from them.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2017, 07:31:02 AM »
day 1
I will do that js2004, I will read about the stories on this forum.

Well, here we go, day 1, kicking off again.



PE30

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #16 on: August 10, 2017, 08:45:56 AM »
Hey. I can really sense the desperation in your tone as you try to get off the mark. I think that's part of the battle won: wanting to change. There's no hard and fast rule as to how to control your addiction but here are a few things in bullet point that I've found helpful:

- Own your addiction. It's part of you; it may always be part of you. Be aware of its presence; give it a healthy fear but know you are stronger than it.
- Practise self-love. You've managed a few porn free days after years of daily porn use! That's great.  You're on here, fighting for your family. That's honourable. Think about what caused this addiction in the first place; reflect and learn.
- Find a greater and purer lure. This article is from a Christian perspective but if that's not your thing then find something else that is more attractive than porn. Enjoy its pleasure and purity. http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/our-odyssey-against-sexual-temptation
- Delight in your wife. Find out what makes her laugh, what turns her on, what her "love languages are". You wouldn't be on here if you didn't love her deeply.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #17 on: August 11, 2017, 10:54:12 AM »
day 2

Pretty focused today, but I know that can change in 5 minutes, so I need to be careful.

┬┐triggers right now?
Im in a little tense moment with my wife, I feel she is treating me unjustly. My first thought is to lay it all out there. But I cannot talk with her yet because I know I will lash at her and it won't work out, it will finish up being worse. So in the mean time, I need to chill.
Any thoughts on how to talk to her?

Other than that, right now I'm ok, just focused on getting some things done.

I will let you know soon If I held it up.

Thanks PE30 for your reply. I read that article. I don't get the substitution with other affection things because God for me is not such a big deal. But the Ulysses illustration seemed to make sense. I will see how I can incorporate this.




js2004

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #18 on: August 11, 2017, 12:56:08 PM »
When I told my wife. I just laid it all out there.  I was so desperate at that point though that she could sense I was really struggling with it all.  I think she was more in shock about P&M having that much of a grip over me for the last ten years (and struggling with it on and off for 20 years). There were some other childhood issues I opened up to with her as well.  I did have a recovery plan in place as well and had already been on some SA calls and had used my employers EAP to talk with a therapist at that point. I was about 10 or so days free of P&M also.  Thankfully she was very supportive.  It was about a week of really opening up and tears and questions and the whole nine yards.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to open up about but it was worth it. 

I will say though that I had a general plan in place just in case she wasn't accepting, in other words, I had my bags packed mentally.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #19 on: August 11, 2017, 06:11:32 PM »
I just wanna go right now to indulge and get lost in porn so badly. I want to simply stop writing this and go look for a few favorite Tumblr blogs and see if I find any new videos on the known video sites. Ohhhhhhh so bad the pull right now!

what is causing this?
Frustration with my wife because of her uneasy attitude towards me.
She just left and I'm alone.
I have to get some hard work done and I just simply want to get away from that.
I'm a little tired, maybe need a nap.

Man, it would be so easy to just run away to my sweet favorite web spots right now and just have a nice time with some girls. But I know it's all a lie, it's all fake, it's all just going to hurt me and carry me farther away. I need to stay away. Be strong.

I don't know if I believe in it, but I think I need some prayer right now, some help from above. Oh, this is so tough!



js2004

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #20 on: August 11, 2017, 07:05:48 PM »
It doesn't solve a thing trust me. As soon as you are done the guilt and shame will overwhelm you.  Suck it up and live with integrity.  Nothing thing on Tumbler will solve your problems. Read through your previous posts too that may help.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2017, 07:55:35 AM »
ok, so I did open up some P. Saw a few pics and then closed it and walked away thinking it's not worth it. Do that counts as a relapse? I know I saw P, but I walked away from it and did not come back to M n O.

I hope today will be easier. I will be home with my family, doing a few things with the kiddos.

Have a great day out there rbtr's



Gracie

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #22 on: August 12, 2017, 09:20:34 AM »
If you haven't yet, go listen to the podcast at the top of the Partner forum. Then read the other two that are in pnk.  Read the 13 dimensions post just belw.  These will give you great understandng about your wife and how partners feel.   

Remember this is your marriage, this is your wife that you chose.  Most of all remember porn has you looking through porn glasses now and it changes how you view things.  Porn not only does the dopamine thing.  It changes how you act and react to wife, family, friends, and job.

toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #23 on: August 12, 2017, 12:45:00 PM »
I need to own this!



toph

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Re: my toughest hike
« Reply #24 on: August 12, 2017, 05:06:28 PM »
Home alone right now. thought about looking up a few things to ease off a bit the tension I still have with my wife. But I remembered js2004 words "suck it up and live with integrity" and they made sense and were helpful.

suck it up buttercup! deal with it!