Author Topic: Tired of fighing alone.  (Read 2543 times)

tiredofbeingalone

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Tired of fighing alone.
« on: April 13, 2015, 05:02:06 PM »
I have been a porn addict since approximately the age of 12. Having found magazines and the unlocked adult channels I quickly became obsessed with porn. My use of porn for pleasure and masturbation purposes slowly increased as I got older and more "intelligent" at hiding my secret. As time went on I discovered the internet and from that point forward I became an almost daily user. When I went to college after a long hiatus of school,  I became so obsessive with it that I lost a job and a year or more of school. I spiraled into a deep depression and slowly for various reasons and it became my comfort, even though I hated myself shortly after each session. This of course then led me into continuing to use. This eventually led me to hit rock bottom, I broke down and told my parents what I was going through. They were very supportive and encouraged me to get help, which I then did. They also informed me that it was something that both of them have and continue to struggle with sometimes. Seeking professional help I was able to reign in my abuse of porn and start to slowly control myself. As of now I have been unable to completely quit cold turkey, but I think I was afraid to. I am now ready to be rid of this cancer in my mind that does not allow me to interact with people normally, and let alone ask out a girl. I hope that you guys can lend me some support and help me out. I am starting clean today. Thanks for all of your stories and support.

jkkk

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2015, 06:42:57 PM »
Welcome, brother. This is the right place.

You will find help and assistance, and knowledge around every corner here.

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2015, 06:16:55 AM »
Thanks Jkkk, I appreciate that. I really am tired of dealing with this crap so I plan to go on here whenever I feel the urge.

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2015, 07:52:14 PM »
Day 2 going alright so far. I haven't really noticed too many urges today, but I have been kept fairly busy as well. Will add more to this as I see it come up.

afb7

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2015, 08:48:11 PM »
Yeah, this is probably my fifth or so time stopping with the intention of never PMO'ing again (first time with the help of this forum), and it's usually been hardest for me at about 2 weeks, although the euphoria of quitting drops a lot by the first week. I've never made it past three weeks because I didn't believe I could get through the urges and stuff, so I gave up. I wish you luck with not giving up, even if the urges and triggers start setting you off in the near future. I'm going for 90 days this time, and am through the first week. Now it gets tough for me.

Sanju

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2015, 01:13:03 AM »
Congratulations on your new life direction!  You're definitely not alone here, I am also on day 2  ;)

You can do this.

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2015, 01:37:23 PM »
Thanks for all the support you guys. Almost made it 3 whole days, without incident. I have noticed my tendency to get up and watch something, so for now I am getting up and going straight to this forum. Its a helpful way to remind me that those morning urges are just my minds way to try and get what it thinks it needs. Hope to pick up rock climbing soon so that I can focus my energy elsewhere.

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2015, 02:42:27 PM »
Last night was rough. As a recent college graduate that is unemployed I find myself in the unfortunate situation of having to pick and choose what things I can do with my friends. I know that I made the conscious decision to not go out with them last night, but that left me in my room alone and vulnerable. This loneliness was awful and it made me really want to go back to my comfort "food" of choice. Luckily I fought through the temptation and ended up calling my family and taking a walk around my complex just to keep myself away from my computer and those feelings. I am glad that I read about the withdrawal symptoms and knowing your triggers only way I made it through last night. Today is another day though, and even though I know that it will be difficult as usual, I am also going to be much more busy, which really helps a lot. Thanks to everyone for their support and prayers.

Sanju

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2015, 12:04:28 AM »
The last few days have been tough for me as well.  I feel your pain!  Keep it up though, it sounds like you're going in the right direction.

Here's a few things that have really helped me:

1. I've been avoiding TV and movies lately because I found that after a few days on nofap, pretty much anything on tv seems to have a sexual undertone and it becomes the first 'seed' thought that eventually leads me to P.  Plus, all that mindlessness in front of the tv is bad for us anyway and I'm way more productive when I'm not watching.  Give it a try if you haven't yet.  But be warned - it's almost as hard as not watching porn!...crazy.

2.  So now that I'm not waisting a bunch of time watching tv, I've started to pursue other interests in my free time.  I've been learning more skills on my guitar, I went out and bought a bunch of canvases on sale to start doing some painting, I've also started learning a new language.  Plus, it's summer now so there will be plenty of outdoors stuff to do.  So I guess the theme is to stay stay busy.  Learn new skills, really get into pursuing your passions in life, and try to spend time with other people - especially people that lift you up and make you feel good.  Spending time with people who look down on you or who make you feel bad about yourself is a waste of time and you'd be better off looking for new friends. 

3.  Giving up on porn and the degrading act of substituting my hand for a real woman is just plain painful.  There's no way around it.  Pain is going to be a big part of this.  Emotional pain, physical pain, psychological pain and some deep down pain that probably has never been classified or discovered yet.  Dealing with that pain and discomfort is the real task at hand.  So I've decided to embrace it and make that pain work for me.  I imagine that I'm a dull knife and the pain I'm feeling now is the grating of my blade against a hard, coarse stone as I'm being sharpened.  No matter how painful it is, I just remember that when it's all said and done, I'm going to be a hell of a lot sharper than I was before.  That may seem like a strange analogy, but it works for me (I love to cook).  But try finding something like that to keep the end in mind and how awesome that end will be!

4.  Last tip - and this one sounds like it came out of a self help book (because it did), but it works!  I write down a list of 5 or 6 affirmations for my life.  Things that I want to be or achieve in the near future.  I then recite those affirmations, ideally 3 times per day, but lately it's been once in the morning and once at night before sleep.  I do this every day and it only takes 2 minutes.  This helps me to remember what the most important things are that I want for my life and helps to keep me focussed on achieving them and making them a reality. 

5.  If I fall, I am committed to admitting my mistake, learning from it, deciding the right way to respond and then getting right back up and fight just as hard as I did before because I know that the joy of being free from this and living life the way it was meant to be is much much greater than the anti-joy I'll get from the shameful fix I'm after.

So that's it!  Sorry if that was more than you wanted to hear, but I hope it helps.

Cheers,   
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 12:06:53 AM by Sanju »

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2015, 04:13:51 PM »
Thank you Sanju for all of you insight, it means a lot to me. I can see that there is a lot of wisdom there. I especially like the self-help book advice. I will have to see about working out some affirmations for myself. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I feel like having those there to read over is a good way to get my mind off of something else and back on the right track.

The last few days have been a mixture of good and bad. I am starting to dread the times that I am alone while my friends are out at the college gym or spending money that I don't have. Those times are the most difficult for me, cause I know that I would rather be with them, but because of circumstances I can't be. This leads me in a spiral of negative thoughts which are never good. I have started to just go out for walks or drives just to keep myself from doing anything that I know I will regret. I am almost 10 days clean now, which is my first goal and I can't wait to see that little green bar completely full.

phoenix0015

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2015, 06:59:46 PM »
Hello my friend,

First of all congratulations on your success till now. Starting this journey itself is a tough task and you already did it.
Now just take one day at a time and keep moving forward.  As the green in your status bar increases, you also grow into  better person.
My initial experience has been, Meditation helps to calm the mind.  So you can try it to.

Best of Luck in your journey. Remember you are not alone my friend. We are all with you in this.


tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #11 on: April 23, 2015, 12:12:09 PM »
Four more hours I can't wait to change my counter and go for a full 30 days. Unfortunately I am here gritting my teeth trying to make it through this. Its been a rough couple of days. Spending a lot of time just out and away from my house. Hate all this idle time I have on my hands, need to find something productive to do with it. Unfortunately the most productive thing I can do is find a job which requires internet access and the computer. Seriously on the edge for the last couple days and I don't know what to do. Please pray for me, I am doing my best here, but I feel myself slipping.

afb7

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2015, 11:28:25 AM »
Hey TOBA. So far, I think the 10 day mark has been the worst for me. Although maybe if I go back and read my journal I'll find something different. Regardless, I'm hoping you can make it through and accomplish your goal.

What do you think about learning to relax when the impulse comes up? Like, "oh, here it is...anyway, what's that other thing I wanted to think about." And then just moving on to that other thing in your mind.

What made me think of that is that you're stressed about slipping, and those seeds of doubt always kick my keister. But relaxing seems to help a bit. It's not perfect, but it's like they say in golf, and pardon the porn-ish pun, but you've got to be careful no to grip the club too hard. Young people always make this mistake when they're shooting poorly. They start gripping hard and tensing up their arms like from frustration or stress. But if you can remind yourself to relax your hands, you're more likely to get your shot back.

For what it's worth. ;D

Good luck today.

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #13 on: April 25, 2015, 05:10:18 PM »
Twelve days, I can hardly believe it. Thank God for giving me the courage to find this forum and to start chronicling my painful journey. I have also opened up about my problem to a couple really close friends and it has helped me a lot. They have shown me a kind of support that I thought I wouldn't be able to find. I still find myself struggling but with the first hurdle done I feel much more energized and prepared to tackle the next one. I know that it can only get harder from here on out, but if it feels this good going ten days, I can't imagine what 30 days and 90 days and life will feel like. Trying to keep busy as usual, idle hands and eyes are of course the enemy now.

Thanks for the advice Afb7 I definitely know what you mean about doubts destroying all the progress we have made. I was pretty down the last couple posts but it had to do more with external forces which were really pushing me to PMO as a stress reliever. I knew that that wasn't going to make anything easier, just make me feel good for a few minutes until the guilt kicked in. So as a way of due diligence I came on here and poured those feelings out into my journal. I had to do something with them and I didn't really know where else to go. After doing it though I found myself able to get out of the house and busy which pushed those doubts aside and made me in turn feel so much better about my decision to fight off PMO. Thanks for everything until the next entry.

phoenix0015

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2015, 11:39:48 PM »
Hi tiredofbeingalone,

Congratulations on completing 2 weeks. You are doing great. I think breaking association between a negative feeling like loneliness and P is very important. Negative feelings are always going to be there. But if we associate them with different and positive activities like a Walk, Music and meditation, we will be able to handle them in a right way without harming ourselves.

Keep coming back. We all need your support and sharing in this journey.

Best of Luck.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2015, 11:42:19 PM by phoenix0015 »

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #15 on: May 01, 2015, 05:35:58 PM »
I appreciate all the kind words, but not a good day today. Didn't watch porn, but definitely ended up fantasizing and masturbating. I been fighting the urges for a couple days keeping busy, but I just didn't have the strength anymore I guess. Gave in and feel so incredibly guilty. Time to start over and get this thing under control, its only been one day. I know what to expect now and will be better prepared to face the withdrawals and symptoms in the future. Thanks for all your continued support.

Sanju

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #16 on: May 02, 2015, 08:52:49 PM »
Don't sweat it man.  Let the guilt come and then let it pass.  And then keep on going.  Remember that relapse is part of recovery.  It will happen, but it's how you respond to it that matters.  Every day you fight, your body/mind will start to heal itself.  The change will be slow and it will be painful, but it will be so worth it.  You can do this. 

I'll share with you one of my affirmations that I repeat daily.  Just this simple statement:  "I don't use porn or masturbate anymore."  This one also comes in handy anytime I feel the urge.  It helps remind me of my new reality and mission to become a better person and have a better life. 

Of course, I got this out of a book too (10 Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction
http://www.no-porn.com/#!tenkeys/cjg9).  It's worth a read.

Hope that helps. 

Btw, I know what it's like having limitations (not having any money or being able to keep up in the gym), but you gotta find something to keep your mind better occupied.  Find that something (or somethings) that you're passionate about and want to become really good at and just go after it. 


joe_ireland

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2015, 10:45:39 AM »
Hi tiredofbeingalone, well done for getting so far. don't worry about having to start over again, Ive done it countless times. How are you doing now?

tiredofbeingalone

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Re: Tired of fighing alone.
« Reply #18 on: September 08, 2017, 05:41:25 PM »
It's been a long time and I never fully quit, but I stayed busy enough where I liked to pretend that I had control. Of course I didn't, but I was better. Now thougj I am back to old disgusting habits and its time pull myself oit of the hole once more. I will write more when I have more time, but just starting this up again, gives me strength.