I can give up, I've done it loads of times

OK this is my first post. Still not sure how you set up a journal but I will get there.
I am a 46 year old happily married guy with 3 teenage boys. I have used porn on and off for 20 years? Give or take. I have had times of increased usage, usually ending up with getting caught and a distraught partner. I promise I'll give up, do well for a time then relapse. I found some stuff on line that described me well, esp with use of tablets for erectile dysfunction. Never put the two things together and am not sure still whether I don't still have an issue even without porn, but am sure its not helping. Don't think I'm a heavy user, maybe a couple of times a week at most, but then read something about how we are notoriously bad at monitoring our usage!!! :. Well here we go again.....

Time to knock this stuff out.  We're in it together!

Day 2. No problems, no danger scenarios like staying away from home, wife away etc. Today will be OK.

CN - you're here and that's a really good start. My just is still out on the P&M ED as well.  I'm 44 and I'm certain my age and weight and general out-of shapeness has something to do with it as well. My best piece of advice though is to stay off the P and M for a while. I am 45 days into it and feel better that I have in a long time. I am also married with 2 small children so I know where you are coming from. Stick with it because it does get better.

Reading stuff about whether or not to masturbate. I have always been able to masturbate without porn. I often think of my wife too when doing so. I can sleep easier after doing so. If I'm away from home it would seem like a good strategy to then not feel the need to dabble in porn.

Any thoughts guys?

Does the reboot need total abstinence. I reckon i could do it because I need my marriage more than I need masturbation. But is abstinence making it hard for yourself unnecessarily?

You probably need to figure that out for yourself. I can't M because it will inevitably lead me back to P. I tried it that way my first two reboots and failed. This time around I have not looked at P or M at all in 45 days and I feel much better and really feel like this Reboot is more successful. The hardest part was the first two weeks.  The other thing I noticed is that fun in the bedroom with my wife is way better. Has a more flavorful feel to it and my O is way better too.  Just my two cents.

JS is right.
It really depends on what you are aiming for.
For some its just a change of focus, for others, its a complete psychological change in outlook and approach towards life.

PMO has destroyed my life.
My entire approach and outlook has been modified and corrupted by the psychological effects of PMO. And its not simply P M and O. Its affected how i manage myself, challenges, relationships and outlooks.
So for me it has to be a full on war.

You have to find your reasons, and determine you degree of involvement

Pretty sure I can give up the P. Not so sure I can give up the M. Let's face it that would be 34 years conditioning. I also haven't seen M alone as a problem BUT I do have ED and am interested in the theory that M can affect this.

Anyway I'm on day 3. Very busy at work today so it won't be a problem today although wife away this evening. Normally I would M.

Your call.  Everyone's Reboot technique is different.

Day 4 and passed a big test last night. Wife away and not even any M never mind P or even any softer substitutes, although there was a dodgy scene in GOT that I could have rewound! Lol. Used 2 hours of guitar and a lot of work in the office to help. I did a Brian Adams and played till my fingers bled!
Giving up P and POM is not going to be the biggest problem for me. The giving up M is. I still don't know how I feel about it. Did have a chat with youngest son about P too. I am worried for him.

Good for you.  How old is your son.  I have been trying to figure out when to have that conversation with my son.

He's 16. I have two others, 18 and 20. I think the youngest may be the biggest risk due to his ocd. He spends loads of time alone in his room.

OK, tried to sort tracker yesterday it doesn't seem to be working. I did set up a spread sheet myself which I think will be useful. At the moment my wife has withdrawn physical love from me after she caught me this latest time. We had a DNS server which stopped working and she reckons it was me who turned it off. It stopped working months ago and I did try to sort it but couldn't. I gave up on it because I knew my youngest son could get round it. I also knew how to switch it off so it was no good for me. I didn't tell my wife it wasn't working though, I had thought about secretly getting the network guy to sort it.
Anyway point is, if we ever do get back to physical love I want to use the spread sheet to see how often that happens too.
I have also made a decision about the M guys. I am going to try abstinence. Mainly because of my ED problems. I had never considered M without P being part of my ED. I know its going to be tough but I'm on day 5 and have hit the most stressful part of my year but fuck it why not? I've done a marathon before and long fell races which I didn't think I could do. I passed exams at uni I didn't think I could. One day I will learn classical gass by Mason Williams too!

Proud of you to go strong CN.

The key is to keep visualizing success.
Spend a few minutes each day thinking about your achievement
You are able and you are great.

Please see my post on tracking and useful apps
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=13720.msg139834#msg139834

Thanks Takeactionow. Was reading stuff on your journal re relationships too.
Its day 6 today folks, so far no major issues. Apart from in the petrol station a bus load of girls on the way to a music festival in very tight shorts and shirts. Normally that would have been stored in the bank for later.
I am going to find the abstinence from M tough.

Day 7.
Have made it a week without M, never mind POM. I'm confident about the POM. The M will be more difficult esp. As my wife still struggling to forgive me. This is the last time I do this.

Coffee,
more and more i am believing it is purely one of mindset.

1.
If you have the time, please listen to Gorilla Mindset Mike Cernovich's podcasts
https://soundcloud.com/dangerandplay
he is no nonsense get to the point kinda guy that i like.

2.
This week's motto for me is energy -> positivity -> attraction
when i generate energy i can do more
when i channel energy towards positivity i feel better naturally
when i feel better i become more attractive to all those around me

this is a very healthy cycle that helps make overcoming obstacles easier, and making special efforts to get your wife to forgive and love you more easier.
- buy flowers for her
- write kind and loving letters to her
- do nice deeds for her
- show her that you're sincere
make it easier for her

channel your energy and action to purpose, where it matters:
If your feeling good (with costs) is more important than wife, feeling good wins
if wife is more important than feeling good, wife wins.


.. all mindset !

take care my friend.

Cheers TAN. As always great advice.
Another tough conversation with wife today. Explanations, descriptions. Not great.
Day 8. That's what matters. 8 days closer to sorting this out, being a better person and being someone she can love.

Day 9. Staying away tonight. Will be doing this a lot with work. Will have to come up with a strategy. Another tough conversation with the love of my life last night. Its hideous, facing up to your shortcomings with that person. Its what I have to do. Still got to love myself and stay away from negative.

Coffee,
believe me I wish the best for you.

I wonder if this can help: the forum page for "Partners of Rebooters and Addicts"
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?board=7.0
and this
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=13803.0
The words of Emerald Blue were truly sad to read.

In it i read the stories of how the partners have suffered because of when their men did or did not do with them.

Their pain and suffering is real. They have my sympathies.

If I may,
I believe you need to carry every exchange with full empathy for your wife.
She has gone though much more than you can imagine.

We are men. We need to own up to our mistakes, and be responsible for our actions, and be accountable to our family.
We have to learn to take the shit, grit and persevere, only then can we earn the respect of the ones we love.

This journalling experience on reboot has thought me alot about myself.
We are here because we have taken the easy path in the past.
all that time on PMO was about ME. Now for you its about US.
Our decision to own up and change is the first step to our salvation.
Now comes the part where we earn our keep.
Taking on all the difficulties life has to offer, and reaping the rewards afterwards.

I believe all good women will not measure us for the failures we've done, but what we plan and do moving forward.
If they do, then perhaps they are not destined to walk this journey with us.
Otherwise, they deserve all of our empathy for what we have put them through earlier.

This is what a good friend shared with me and now i share with you:
Every woman looks to their man as their pillar of strength and support
They have gone through so much, bleeding every month and with so many life, health and emotional issues to worry about.
Therefore, we must be a real man
Be strong
Stand tall and take it like a man
their love and pain will make you stronger and better.

I want to be that man
I know you can be that man too
be strong, stay positive, focus on doing what you need to, have empathy, and come out stronger and better.