Author Topic: Detox  (Read 925 times)

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #25 on: June 26, 2017, 02:15:02 AM »
Well today was a total failure.  I guess last night's successful sex got me feeling a little too confident.  I think maybe I felt like I deserved a splurge.  And I did. Big time.  Now I'm sore.  However, I've also felt really good today.  So...who knows.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I'll behave.

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #26 on: July 02, 2017, 05:35:20 PM »
The last few days I've been pretty bad and it lead to some negative consequences.  The girlfriend and I had sex, and while i could get hard it took quite a bit longer than before, and I wasn't able to orgasm at all.  She'd seemed to enjoy it, but I'd gone soft and wanted to take another shot so i tried to get myself hard and did, but it didnt last long enough to do anything, which she took personally.  She apologized for that, but it was still a pretty clear message to me that I have got to stop using porn and porn substitutes to get myself off. 

Anyway, at least I learned something from it.  Just one week of being bad can have unpleasant consequences. 

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #27 on: July 07, 2017, 12:39:13 AM »
So I haven't been very good about avoiding the porn lately.  It hasn't really been porn just reading posts and viewing profiles on Fetlife.  Waaaay too many of them in a row and then getting myself off.  I dunno why Im having so much trouble with it now when i didn't have any trouble before. 

I had sex with the GF again today.  It was really good but everything took way longer than it should have and there were several starts, stops, wait to get hard again.  So all my progress hasn't been lost but I think there's a noticable decline in performance when I've been using porn-subs again. 

I'm going to try and use that as motivation to try harder to not indulge.

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #28 on: July 20, 2017, 12:42:50 PM »
I'm not outta the game!

Havent posted in awhile.  Sorta had a tough period but now I think I'm back on track.

DesperateToHeal

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Re: Detox
« Reply #29 on: July 21, 2017, 08:17:10 PM »
Reading your post I see a similarity in our relapses. Sometimes I can go weeks without porn but once I let myself slide just once the proceeding days become exceedingly difficult to try and stay clean again. But I believe the mark of a person isn't just their achievements but how often they fell and stood back up again. Good to see you're still in this fight my man.

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2017, 02:40:56 PM »
Thanks!

It definitely does seem to be a thing where just a little bit of indulging tends to snowball. 

What seems to be causing trouble now is that I keep discovering new porn-subs.  So I'll go without porn but I'll end up reading some message board of people discussing their fantasies or something which ends up being just as bad.  Also I am having a bit of trouble with stopping myself from fantasizing. 

I've been learning to do rope bondage lately, and surprisingly enough the books full of pictures of naked women that explain the ties aren't really a trigger for me and haven't caused trouble.  At this point I figure I'm still so desensitized it takes a lot more than just pictures for me to even notice.  The problem comes afterwards when I'm day dreaming about who I'd like to tie up.  Just earlier today I caught myself and made myself stop before it go too far out of hand. 

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #31 on: July 24, 2017, 06:01:53 PM »
I was just reading about ADHD and addiction.  It turns out that 15 - 25% of the people who have substance abuse disorders.  The articles i find are almost all about substance abuse but I highly suspect the same is true for things like gambling addiction and internet/porn addiction. 

The more I read about ADHD and see how much of it applies to me the more frustrated I get.  I've been trying to find a medication that works for me.  So far Adderall and Vyvanse do nothing but take away my appetite.

On the one hand it's a bit of a relief to see that some of my failures and shortcomings have a reason besides just laziness.  But on the other hand it's infuriating to look back at it all and realize the cards were stacked against me the whole time I was struggling. 

People have certainly overcome bigger hurdles and I had a lot of advantages in life but it's hard to take any comfort in that.

I dont know how to find the right balance between "It's not my fault! I have a brain thing!" And "That's no excuse."  Like it or not you are your brain and your brain is you.  There's no getting around that.  Sure some people are able to overcome their mental problems but plenty don't.  You're trying to fix a broken part using that same broken part.

Anyway, today I don't really have any urge to look at porn or porn-subs.  I think ill be able to make it the rest of the day without trouble. 

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #32 on: July 29, 2017, 09:26:35 PM »
So the GF and I had sex last night and it went pretty well, but I wasn't able to orgasm. 

Today she was telling me how unfair it was and how much she wanted me to orgasm and stuff.  It was making me really self conscious about it.  I kept thinking how now I didn't want to do it again until I was certain that I would be able to.  But I knew that was a bad idea so I told her how it was making me feel to have her talk about it so much.  I may have been slightly harsh about it but she reacted pretty badly.  She told me how it makes me feel when I don't orgasm and stuff.  I wanted say "Can't we just enjoy all the good parts without obsessing over this one thing?!"

But then I thought about how I'd feel if it was the other way around.  I'd feel like a failure each time I wasn't able to get her off.

Anyway, then she said how she'd have to start suppressing her feelings now.  And honestly I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to tell her things any more.  But I know a relationship can't work that way and I'd rather have little fights than let things build up until they go nuclear.

Some time has passed now and I think we've both calmed down a bit and things will be fine.  I hate being so messed up.

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #33 on: August 02, 2017, 03:40:33 PM »
So the other day I tried some microdoses of LSD.  I'd read about how it weakens some neuralpathways and strengthens others, and how that was good for curing addictions so I was hoping it'd help with my porn issues.

There's a good chance that it's just a coincidence but I gotta say that after that I've been way less tempted to go to the old sites. 

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #34 on: August 08, 2017, 02:55:14 AM »
I started on Concerta today (another ADHD med).  I think this one actually seemed to show a little benefit.  When I was chatting with the GF online I was actually focused on the conversation and not switching tabs and playing games at the same time.  However it also completely took away my appetite, don't seem to be able to get erections even on my own, and am not able to sleep.  It's just the first day so i think it's likely the side effects will get less as time goes on but it could be a pretty rough time until they do.  The Adderall had an effect on my ability to get erect at first too, but then it got better.

I started reading about ADHD and how it effects the sex lives of people who have it.  I think having barely eaten anything all day had me in a pretty emotional state already, but then as i was reading I found this line "One less well-known trait associated with ADHD is mustering the motivation to initiate a task or project and even enjoyable activities such as making love."  I basically broke down crying when I got to that part. 

I got scolded by so many exes for not initiating sex, or being too focused on something and not being able to switch my focus to them when they wanted it.  I never knew why I didn't.  I wanted to have sex and I knew that I also had trouble making myself do other things that I enjoy.  How do you explain to someone why you're NOT thinking about doing something?

Thinking about how you wish the past was different is stupid and pointless but sometimes really hard not to do.  What would my guitar playing be like if I'd actually been able to motivate myself to practice?  What about my cooking?  How would my career have been different if I'd had some focus and motivation?  How would relationships have gone differently if I was able to be more attentive? Would I still be living in my parents house at 34 if I'd gotten diagnosed back in elementary school? 

I think I've mentioned before that my biggest fear is living going my whole life without ever doing anything.  Despite being slightly above average intelligence wise (if you trust standardized tests, which i dont) I've always felt so far behind everyone else my age.  How were they accomplishing so many things I hadn't? 

I was having that feeling back when I was 21. I wanted to be a musician and every year that passed I knew that was even less likely.  Not even like a touring band. I'd be happy just playing locally.  I'm taking lessons and getting better but at this point does anyone care? 

This is stupid and shallow but part of me is seriously mourning that every year old I get more young women will consider me too old.  Yeah, i know they often like older guys but they like older guys with something to offer.  I don't mean that in a "they're gold diggers" way.  I mean they want someone interesting. I'm not.  They want someone with experience. I have none.  They want someone with talents and skills that are useful and/or entertaining. 

Like i said, i know that's a stupid thing to care about.  I've got a girlfriend that's pretty awesome in a lot of ways and I'm really grateful for her.  She's cool with me doing things that most women wouldn't be. 

I just realized I'm way too tired to continue writing tonight.

To Be Continued...


KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #35 on: August 08, 2017, 01:32:49 PM »
So what that was leading to was me realizing how hard it is to keep fighting against the urge to just give up.  Don't worry. I don't mean suicide.  I mean saying fuck it, quit trying to improve my life, and just spend the next 60 years with just video games, junk food and porn.  That's always there, and always so tempting. 

Anyway, I feel like at this age people should have built up some momentum in their life that can keep them going.  I haven't.  Nothing is going to get any easier from this point on.  Physically, sexually, and creatively it's basically going to be all downhill from this point on.  Supposedly, I still have a few years to reach my mental peak. 

But despite the temptation and increasing difficulty I'm not going to give up.  Not yet.  My goals are still mostly modest enough that I think they're attainable even if just later than I had planned. 

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #36 on: August 10, 2017, 12:30:05 AM »
So the first day on the Concerta suuuuuuucked.  The second day also sucked, but around 5 or 6 I started feeling pretty alright.  Today I felt shitty until about noon. So it seems like there's improvement.  Still no appetite and trouble sleeping though and also trouble getting erect.  One interesting thing I noticed though is that it's been easier for me to appreciate slower music. In my car I noticed I was listening to a lot of songs that, while I'd always liked them, in the past I would've skipped over.  Haven't really found anyone else mentioning anything like that.  I also feel like there's been less temptation to watch porn since i started it.  It's only been 3 days but I'm feeling pretty optimistic.  Even if this medicine isn't the right one it's at least closer than the previous ones.

KinkySpider

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Re: Detox
« Reply #37 on: August 12, 2017, 04:04:02 PM »
So I often write when I'm upset, or just trying to get things straight in my head.  I think this probably makes it look like I'm totally miserable all the time.  I'm not. 

So, I've been writing more about the realization that I had ADHD - Primarily Inattentive lately more than anything really directly related to my reboot, but I think the 2 are very much related.  We're prone to addictions. And I think maybe writing here is helping me with stuff so...whatever.

So, about 2 years ago I realized that I was depressed and started looking for help.  I knew medication alone wouldn't be enough so I decided to find a community.  I've always been a weird pervert so I looked into the local BDSM community and immediately loved it.  I'd found people who I didn't have to hide my thoughts from, at least not the pervy thoughts.  There were constantly dinners, and parties, and classes, and all sorts of crap. And I went to everything I could.  For what felt like the first time in my life I'd found something I was really passionate about. For months I was going to AT LEAST one party a week.  Then I slowed down to something more reasonable.  Not only did it give me a community and events to look forward to, it also gave me goals to work towards.  Learning to use whips, tie ropes, and all sorts of other fun stuff.

But for the last several months I've been slowing down even more.  Going to maybe 2 events a month and even then it's usually somewhat reluctantly.  It's just not as stimulating as I used to find it.  I know that sounds normal.  Of course something is going to not be as exciting as when you started.  It is, but a long with that left all the passion and enthusiasm for it.  I feel like I'm forcing myself when I do manage to go out to something.  Even though I often end up having a good time when I do.

It's possible that it's due to depression but I kinda don't think so.  I don't really feel all that depressed lately.  I'm gonna try and go to some more things, maybe some groups i haven't been to before to see if i can rekindle some that.  But I'm not too optimistic.

So I'm feeling kinda lost and directionless at the moment.