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Messages - Aussie_Rebooter

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1
Porn Addiction / Re: Relapsed - 30 days,all progress gone?
« on: November 30, 2015, 04:39:20 PM »
I've been trying to quit since late 2012.

Longest run was 94 days in 2013 - since then I've struggled to go 2 weeks,so on day 31 yesterday was my second longest streak.

I barely noticed a difference after 94 days hard mode.Which is a reason why I relapsed.Months of effort with no positive benefits.

My addiction is pretty bad though,I'd edge daily - by edge I mean - edge for anywhere between 1 - 12 hours then finish with an O.Escalated to some fucked up shit.

I think I'm looking at at least 6-12 months which is why I find it so damn hard to just keep on going when day after day I just feel like fucking shit and getting out of bed is an effort.

A big trigger for me is the time factor + the doubt. "Maybe it's not porn,maybe I feel anxious fatigued and have no zest for life because I'm just fucked up,and no amount of rebooting will ever make me feel normal and happy again".

But really,at the end of the day I have to give it a good shot before I can come to that conclusion.

Thanks guys!

2
Porn Addiction / Re: Relapsed - 30 days,all progress gone?
« on: November 30, 2015, 12:01:12 PM »
Thanks guys.

All I can do is just keep on going,it really crushed me though but im trying to forgive myself.

It was really weird how it happened,I woke up at 3am and just went into auto pilot "fuck it".

Almost as if I was a different person.

I think a month of fatigue,worry that this will never end - withdrawals and just constant zombie durrr state - just really wore me out.

You guys are right though,unless I fapped for 2,3,4 days in a row I won't undo my progress completely.

I really was suicidal though,just the thought of ANOTHER damn month of this shit just until I get to the stage I was at! Then fuck knows how much longer I'll have to feel like toasted shit.

Oh well though,nothing I can do about it now.

Appreciate the support guys.

3
Porn Addiction / Relapsed - 30 days,all progress gone?
« on: November 29, 2015, 05:35:10 PM »
I have no idea HOW that just happened.

I just edged for 5 hours,I'm in tears - I'm so confused it just came out of nowhere.

Is all progress lost because I was only 30 days in? Or if I stop,not fap again will I  bounce back?

I'm fucking suicidal now.

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot Journal
« on: November 29, 2015, 05:33:12 PM »
Relapsed. I can't fucking believe it.

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot Journal
« on: November 29, 2015, 03:51:02 AM »
Feeling very alone,fatigued and like toasted shit.

6
Porn Addiction / Re: 28 DAYS NO PORN - SEVERE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS
« on: November 28, 2015, 03:47:34 PM »
I can relate a lot man,I've been long term unemployed as well and edged for anywhere between 1-12 hours!

Ive had some catatonic moments,and everything else you described is normal.

Try quitting masturbation as well,but be prepared for WD's to hit you even harder - I also went and had tests done,got the all clear so it's comforting to know it IS porn withdrawal/years of over stim thats caused my symptoms - all you can do is ride it out when it gets really bad.

Best of luck.

7
Porn Addiction / Re: Video Games?
« on: November 28, 2015, 03:43:03 PM »
I don't think there's a problem with it at all especially considering you'll barely be playing it.

The difference between gaming and masturbating over porn is huge,I know gamings addictive but it's nowhere near as destructive as p addiction.

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot Journal
« on: November 27, 2015, 08:12:20 AM »
Thanks for the support guys!

@ Maverick:

I've read mindfulness in plain English,and read other stuff on meditation - I've only tried it a few times though.Its something I need to start doing daily,just 10-15 mins at first.The problem I have is extreme laziness/lack of motivation - I really have to start forcing healthy habits on myself.

Thanks dude!

Update:

The last few days fatigue has been really hitting me hard,I pretty much don't even have the energy to get out of bed - I've been in a constant "Durrrr" state,and it sucks.Another thing I've been experiencing is stomach problems.Its like a nausea feeling,a dull ache and just queezy.I had blood and urine tests a few weeks ago so I'm positive that what I'm experiencing is probably withdrawals.

I've quit a few addictions in the past,weed,cigarettes,Valium,withdrawals from anti depressants.

This is by far the hardest,this shit is hardcore.Day in,day out - nightmare shit.

All I can do,is keep on going - this time next year I'll be killing it.

Stay strong guys!

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot Journal
« on: November 26, 2015, 11:08:54 AM »
Having a really hard time today,3am can't sleep.

What's getting to me is this:

I feel like a broken man.I have the most amazing beautiful woman who likes me for me,yet I can't even be with her sexually or emotionally because I've fucked my brain up.I know deep down addiction is what my problem is - and rebooting is the solution,yet I find myself constantly in doubt:

"Maybe it's not porn,maybe I'm just an anxious,fatigued depressed anti-social loser and I'll never be able to function properly again,I'll lose my love because she'll see how broken I really am and I'll die a lonely old man"

That's what I'm dealing with.

I haven't relapsed,But I fucked up.Sexted with my girl and it got really heated.I want to have sex with her,but I can't.Its not ED - even though I know my erections arnt "well".Its the reality of how severe my addiction really is,it's destroyed my fucking life.I NEED to go at least if not more than 3 months no orgasm - my body and brain needs a break.Its so frustrating because I need to be with her,I really love her.The sexting really got to me,kept pre cumming in my pants - I didn't touch myself,but I think it's snapped me out of a flatline.At least it wasn't porn - she's a real person and I will be having a sexual relationship with her - I explained it to her and she's supportive.It hurts me twofold though because she doesn't deserve this - she deserves to be with someone who can give her what she needs sexually and emotionally and it makes me feel like a fucking weirdo loser.

But,this is all a part of this demon.The doubts the depression - and I will never let it beat me.

I'm going to fucking crush it and live the life I want to live.

Aussie.

PS fuck porn.

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot Journal
« on: November 25, 2015, 05:46:44 AM »
Thanks @ TheNewMe! Appreciate the support mate :)

So a little more background,

I'm 30.

Like most other guys when I was younger I had no social issues,had no problems making friends and getting GF's.I lost my virginity at age 13.Everything started going downhill at around age 19,when I broke up with my only serious long term GF (4 year relationship).Id been using porn sporadically since my early teens but I don't think it effected me much - I wasn't using it as an escape,I didn't get anxiety or depressed.

I'd say at around age 25 I really lost all zest for life,was diagnosed with clinical depression and general anxiety disorder and tried several meds - none worked for me.Basically the shrinks said "we don't know what's wrong with you,just go out and do stuff".I thought I was fucked up beyond the point of ever being able to live a normal life.I started getting suicidal thoughts,but never considered acting on them.I actually read an interesting article online about 'dopamine depression VS serotonin depression' - the people with dopamine related depression were described as having suicidal thoughts but being to lazy to act on them...that's pretty much exactly how I felt - can't be bothered with anything,don't see the point in ANYTHING.

So being around other people,friends,family,women - just does nothing for me at all.Combine the lack of motivation with anxiety and I've become a complete shut in.

This is going to be a very long road to recovery for me but I'm willing to put the work in,it's sink or swim now.Plus now I have an amazing woman supporting me,which makes me feel like the luckiest man on the planet.

Doing cardio tonight,going to really push myself hard and sweat out some frustration.

Aussie.

11
Ages 30-39 / Reboot Journal
« on: November 23, 2015, 04:00:12 PM »
Starting a journal because I feel like I need an outlet to write my struggles and progress during my reboot.

I've known about Porn Addiction since late 2012 - longest streak was 94 days.Since then I've struggled to even make it a few weeks.Currently on my second longest streak and this will be my final reboot.

What I'm really struggling with now is the withdrawals - it's hitting me really hard.Depression,Anxiety,lack of motivation "everything seems boring and pointless",endless boredom,fatigue.Ive suffered from all of these symptoms for years but when I stop - everything gets worse.What this does is bring up doubts in my mind that Porn isn't the problem - that maybe I'm just fucked up beyond repair and I'll never get better.

Even though I know deep down that's not true - it's very hard to see a way out when you've been trapped in hell for so many years.

The last week has been extremely draining - I've developed really bad insomnia - which compounds everything and pisses me off! After going through the day I can't sleep at night and my mind starts racing.

My use over the last few years got really bad - most days were spent edging,3,4 - 10+ hour sessions.Porn was the only thing I cared about in life,the only thing that gave me any false sense of happiness.

Something awesome has happened though,a month ago my X gf from a decade ago contacted me and we've been talking a lot - I've fallen in love with her again,and she feels the same way.I admitted my addiction to her,showed her YBOP,gabes vids etc and tried to explain my situation as best I could.Her understanding and support has been really overwhelming and humbling and basically...it's the reason I've been able to stay clean for nearly a month.

What I have to do now is be very strict on myself,exercise,meditation,looking for a job,forcing myself to go and hang out with my mates,reading,eating healthy - I have to adapt all of these things within the next few weeks or I can really see myself fucking up.

I see this - rebooting,getting back with my GF - as a second chance at life so I'm going for it.

But this shit sucks,there's no getting around it.I feel like a space cadet zombie with no life in me at all.My dick is shriveled up,cold and changes color - rebooting for an addict is the worst hell I've ever experienced and I'm never going to have to deal with it again.I just have to be smart about this shit and have the faith that it'll all work out if I put the effort in.

I do have ED,but not severely.Due to my crazy usage (half day edging sessions,escalation to diff genres) I can only put this down to one thing - past sexual experience.Which I've had a lot of.My erections during sex are far from healthy though - but I guess I reached a point where I didn't care - because I figured I was so broken that I wouldn't be able to get a GF anyway,so who cares if my dick doesn't work?

I had some tests done a few weeks ago - full STD screen (I've slept with pro's but have been single for a decade) a full blood count,thyroid - I got the all clear.

My advice to anyone reading this would be to stop using the shit.It really is a wicked wicked addiction and it will take everything from you - just like hard drugs it destroys lives - and the deeper you go,the more fucked up your life gets.Theres no end to it,the hole just gets deeper.

I'll leave it at that for my first post.Its nearly 8 in the morning and I still haven't slept.Ill be posting regularly and contributing to the forum - I really need a place where I can connect with others going through similar shit.

Aussie.


12
Porn Addiction / Re: Intense Scary Withdrawals!!!
« on: September 11, 2015, 08:02:56 AM »
hey tostadora,

i caved in guys - made it 18 days,second longest run.

This what's holding me back from recovery:

The withdrawals were so intense that i really thought i'd lost it.I thought id gone insane.

I could not handle one more day of it - as strong as my willpower and resolve is,it was fucking me up,big time.

I considered ringing the hospital and getting myself admitted as a mental patient,it really is that bad.

I thought that considering the severity of my addiction - 8-10 hour binges edging,or PMO'ing for 2 hours 7 times a day,for literally a decade - no one Really knows what complete desensitisation does to the brain,do we?
I mean this shit is relatively new,both the high speed internet porn,and the studies behind it.I was terrified i was going to have some kind of stroke,brain haemorrhage - or just keel over and die,not wake up and go into a coma from some form of brain shock.

This is what stressed me out the most: (besides the crippling fear of being insane)

Iv'e read every piece of text on YBR - Last time i rebooted (early 2013) i followed the basics religiously,worked out hard every single day,went for walks - read books,the only thing i lacked was the social stuff - i fucked up on that part.

Anyway i Could Not follow the formula this time,i was practically bed ridden for 14 days,i had a few weird days where i could work out - but id get dizzy,feel like shit - which would raise my anxiety level and id freak out and shit.

HAS ANYONE HAD WITHDRAWALS SO BAD THAT YOU COULD NOT DO ANYTHING,FOR WEEKS?

I really hope i get some kind of info on guys that have had to just ride it out for a few weeks before being able to become active - and who knows,i could've been in that state for 2 months...scary scary shit - and thats hard for me to admit,just how freaked out i was.


If i can get some reassurance that others have been that sick,ill just ride it out and hold on tight.

I remember in one of Gabes videos - he talked about freaking out at work - forget work bra! i cant leave the house when i feel like that.

I swear on everything,once i beat this awful wicked shit ill do everything in my power to not only help people,but get the word out here in Australia - it's horrific what this porn crap can do to you.

Thanks guys,Aussie.

13
Porn Addiction / Re: Intense Scary Withdrawals!!!
« on: September 09, 2015, 07:12:07 AM »
What I've found to be challenging is that I'll get one symptom,finally accept it/rationalize it/relax - and then another wave will hit - a different feeling or emotion or physical symptom.

It's absolutely horrible,It could be a blessing in disguise though - I've been trying to reboot since September 2012,I think I needed to hit bottom - feel what it was like to lose everything - and then experience this - as awful and hard as it is,this is going to eventually pay off and I'll be strong as fuck on the other side.

Hoping to get a little bit of energy back,Enough to start being active etc - I'd hate to be like this for weeks on end,I doubt that will happen,initial withdrawal period should fade soon.And then the next wave of them should be less severe,enough so that I'll at least be able to function and work.

I posted this exact thread on YBR,I was just so sick that I needed people to talk to,so thank you to the dudes who responded - you helped me.

Probably won't be coming back here,I use YBR to journal.

Good luck everyone,stay strong.

14
Porn Addiction / Re: Intense Scary Withdrawals!!!
« on: September 06, 2015, 09:29:20 PM »
Thanks guys,

Like clockwork last night I came out of it,woke up with a different kind or weird feeling this morning.

Trying to accept it and get through today as best as I can.

All I can do is just keep going!

15
Porn Addiction / Re: Intense Scary Withdrawals!!!
« on: September 06, 2015, 05:31:18 AM »
Thanks for the replies guys,

I did 30 mins of cardio today - I felt better than I have for over a week for about 3 hours today,and I got the normal good boost of endorphins that id normally get after exercising.I got hit by yet another wave of this bullshit after dinner,and decided to make the original post.

However 3 other times this last week,when I forced myself to get on my treadmill and exercise bike I felt much worse after the sessions...almost as if my brain freaked out and didn't know wtf was going on.

I'm 30 and in decent shape,never had any serious medical conditions or illnesses.

So I'm rationalizing that it isn't something else,I mean I'd obviously have other symptoms and it'd just keep getting worse - instead of having the weird waves of it.

Man this is some bullshit,as I said I think it's a blessing in disguise because if its fucked me up so badly that I feel like this...I'm never going back to it.

16
Porn Addiction / Intense Scary Withdrawals!!!
« on: September 06, 2015, 04:52:15 AM »
So I'm experiencing very strong,scary withdrawals.Im on day 12,not that it really matters what day I'm on.

Extreme anxiety that no amount of breathing exercises or meditation can help,it's crippling to the point of being unable to function.

Extreme intense fatigue,weirdly I have not experienced any insomnia (knock on wood).During my last long reboot way back in 2013,insomnia was by far the worse WD symptom,and last time the withdrawals were nothing compared to this.

I've had other more minor symptoms,upset stomach/nausea,headaches,aches and pains,loneliness and some depression - although I think I'm just depressed about how shitty I feel.

To put it bluntly I cannot function,period.

Very fleeting minor urges,easily controlled though because the WD's are scaring me so much.In a weird way I think it's good that it's hit me this hard,it's nailed home just how severe my addiction was.

The very bizarre thing is that it seems to come in waves.Like a bi-polar type thing.I can feel like I described,laying in bed freaking the fuck out - and a few hours later feel relatively calm and much better,and then repeat.

I consider myself a fairly strong minded person,I've had some scary shit happen to me - injuries and stuff,and to be honest I have never been this scared in my life about anything.

I'm very worried that I've caused some serious irreversible brain damage - another thing hit me today:

That I've never read about anyone else edging or using as much as I have.

I'm talking 5-10 hours of edging per day,for literally years.id say it's been this bad for about 5 years.

Hermit crab lifestyle,social anxiety through the roof etc - so I say again,I've never heard of anyone death gripping and edging for on average I'd say - 6 hours a day at least for 5 or so years,I had been PMO'ing for way longer than that,however it didn't really start having life destroying effects on me until about 5 or 6 years ago.

I know we're told to not compare ourselves to others,it's hard not to!

Spangler a dude here,the author of 'wack addicted to Internet porn' whom I'm sure some of you would be aware of - in his book he says he was an addict at "only a few uses per week".

And he had fairly severe porn induced issues,ED etc.

I've told my friends and family about my addiction - to put what I'm going through in a nutshell,this is what I told my mother yesterday while going through a severe wave of symptoms:

"Mum,I'm scared - I feel like a full blown junkie and I've never felt this bad EVER...I feel as if I could faint,and start convulsing on the ground".

Then I came into my room and starting crying like a child.

This is hard for me to say,I'm not a pussy - this is worse than coming down from MDMA,it's just so weird!

I now know what heroin addicts mean by 'the sickness'.I don't actually have your typical porn urges - i just want this sickness to go away,that's the only way I could see myself relapsing at this stage but I won't.

So has ANYONE experienced anything as intense as this? Particularly the waves of bad/good?

It's fucking bullshit man,I can't believe It,honestly I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Also,this took a good 5 days or so to start kicking in - so I'm 99.9% sure it is porn withdrawals,however it's hard sometimes to accept because it is so hardcore.

Another thing to add - I had a cold/virus thing about 3 weeks ago,but I'm over it now.And 2 weeks before I started this run,I quit weed.I was smoking heavily for around 2 months and PMO'ing - by heavily I mean I was high every waking minute.

So maybe the combination of the quitting weed and PMO in close succession could have shocked my brain or something?

Would really appreciate any kind of feedback on this one guys!!!!

Aussie.

EDIT:

What I'm really scared of is that with some other addictions,alcoholics,benzodiazepines and I think heroin - it can be VERY dangerous to quit cold turkey,without medications.

Im actually scared I could fucking die from this! From my brain just going into dopaminergic shock or some weird ass fuckin shit bra.

know that must sound weird,but fuck,man.

I even considered going to the doctors - however that scares me having to go out and face people feeling like this - fucking hell this SUCKS x1000000.

17
Porn Addiction / Re: Book Recommendation *****
« on: December 04, 2014, 12:18:38 PM »
Bear Grylls - A survival guide for life

Mindfulness in Plain English - Bhante Gunaratana

I'll grab i dont want to talk about it,looks good.

18
Porn Addiction / Re: Is it ok to go to Massage Parlors?
« on: December 04, 2014, 12:14:08 PM »
In my case going to pro's while trying to reboot doesn't work.

I leave feeling dirty,unsatisfied and like a loser for having just paid for sex.

Because i orgasm,i get thrown straight back into intense porn cravings for the next few days and i end up relapsing.

Iv'e had pro's ask me "why don't you have a GF/Wife,why do you pay for it?" -

My opinion is that it's best to avoid all sexual stimulation for at least a decent period of time.Unless you already have a partner,then i guess you should ask some successful guys who have partners how they went about sex.

Iv'e wasted thousands on pro's and massage parlours over the last decade,i could have a f***ing brand new benz in my garage if i saved all the money i'd wasted on whores,it just isn't worth it.It feeds lust and your eternal search for a quick fix.



19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Time To Get My Life Back
« on: December 04, 2014, 11:58:06 AM »
It's been exactly 3 months since i last posted here,and nothing has changed - if anything my addiction has gotten worse.

I find myself in a constant battle.I decide and make the promise to myself that this time will be the time.Then i last a few days,get crazy urges or something triggers me and i relapse and the whole cycle starts again,this has happened hundreds of times now.

I started losing hope a few months back,thinking extremely negative things about myself,my future and what i'm capable of with my life.Basically i started to convince myself that no matter how much effort i put into this - Rebooting/Recovery from addiction,lifestyle improvements etc - that i'd never be able to reach that point of finally being "Normal and be able to live any sort of happy and fulfilled life.If i can;t just chill the f**K out,be comfortable and confident socially,then how the hell will i ever be able to meet a women and eventually find love? then i'll escape with porn,and it starts all over again.

I have to get some faith back in myself,i can do this - what makes me any different to the hundreds of guys who have successfully recovered,met women - and now have heaps better lives? - maybe my addiction is worse than the majority of guys as far as edging for 10 hour sessions,locking myself in my house for the last 4 years etc,but that's about it.When i was younger i had GF's,i had absolutely no problem at all hooking up with girls - i'm a decent looking guy and i'm intelligent.Why is it that my mind keeps on working against me,telling me i'm not good enough - i can't do it and i'm doomed to live some pathetic lifestyle and die a lonely old man?

It's incredibly frustrating and to be honest i'm sick of talking & thinking about nofap - i just want to man up,do what needs to be done and leave this entire nightmare behind me.Iv'e now wasted another entire year fapping,dropping out of university and sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself - i refuse to keep on living like this,it's pathetic.




20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Time To Get My Life Back
« on: September 05, 2014, 11:02:01 PM »
@Gabe

Thanks mate! 

Iv'e been thinking about going on some solo adventures,hiking/bush walking - getting out there in nature etc.Orienteering/bear grylls style stuff.I love the outdoors and have some really cool places near me to check out.

And your right,i know exactly what i have to do,force myself into uncomfortable situations - combined with quitting PMO - doing one without the other will never work,for me or anyone else.I can't go out and socialise,then come home and PMO for 5 hours...i could - but i'll never improve that way.I know i have it in me to be a really outgoing fun guy and meet heaps of people and have a great life.It all boils down to doing the hard yards,quitting porn and slowly improving.I still worry that even if i recover,force myself into situations socially & with women that i'd never get used to it,like i'd never be fully comfortable - even after doing it over and over again.It's like....because i can't be comfortable/be me - i can't connect with people (especially women) in a normal way if that makes sense...the chemistry just isn't there - so i fear that i'll never be able to get a girl again if i can't be comfortable in my own skin.

I took your advice a while ago (the YBR show) and changed my room around,it has helped a little.I kinda felt lame for asking for "advice"...i was in a bad place and clutching at straws i guess.

Cheers man.

21
I went 94 days no porn,masturbation,orgasm or sex - and when i relapsed i still had the same rush.

#90 days is not some magical number - i suspect i'll take way longer than that to recover - and just like any addict,your not ever "fully" recovered - in the sense that we're always one relapse away from falling back into the addiction.

The thing with porn is,from what we know so far there's no permanent damage done in the brain,it doesn't kill brain cells like MDMA,alcohol & other drugs - who knows what will come out of the woodwork in years to come though.

I smoked a tonne of weed when i was younger,used to rave and drop pills a bit to - no drug has ever given me the same effect porn does,escapism - totally losing myself/forgetting about shit etc.

22
Porn Addiction / Re: Facebook / Social Media
« on: September 03, 2014, 05:23:59 AM »
I find that after a relapse,especially a binge - i find it hard to watch movies/TV.I'm just not interested,even if it's something i'd been looking forward to watching,a show i'm into etc.And it carries over,obviously to everything else...exercise,reading - you name it,a binge zaps every single shred of motivation to do anything at all - for me anyway.

Video Games,i just can't get into anymore.I got a PS4 a few weeks ago and iv'e barely played it.




23
Porn Addiction / Re: Flatline ain't there
« on: September 03, 2014, 02:59:23 AM »
I'm pretty sure not everyone experiences a flatline,although most guys do from what iv'e read,iv'e been in the nofap community since late 2012.

My flatline lasted from around week 2 of no PMO/MO/O....so in hard mode it took roughly 2 weeks to kick in,and it lasted up until i was on day 94 no orgasm.For some people it happens quicker,others a little later - there is no "when" everyones different.

I really think that orgasm plays a role in flatlining,if your MO'ing or having sex and O'ing your brain doesn't respond to the reboot the same way as a person who does the no orgasm reboot.

I found my flatty to be a relief,urges stopped,i became essentially "A-Sexual"...it started freaking me out after the 2 month mark,it's normal though,just go with it.



24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Time To Get My Life Back
« on: September 03, 2014, 01:24:42 AM »
Is this the Aussie I know and love from YBR?!  :D

sure is mate!  8) Thanks for stopping by bro!

I know how you feel man.

I've tried to reboot before and made it to about 4 days I think. I couldn't imagine the added stress of life changes as well as the lose of family member added to hard mode. I mean what made me relapse was just the stress of what hasn't even happened in my life yet. Keep on keepin on man!

hey dude,

Yeah it's been pretty rough the last few weeks.

The thing is though,that's life.Shit happens - i have to learn how to deal with things in a healthy way.Instead of running away,hiding and PMO'ing as soon as shit gets real.

In the last month:

I dropped out of university because i couldn't study with all this brain fog,depression,anxiety and addiction.

Iv'e realised my friends are losers,going nowhere in life - and although i will always be in contact with them because i grew up with them,i now have nothing in common with them.All they want out of life (at the moment) is to smoke weed everyday,get wasted every weekend,play video games and act like their 18 years old.Some of my other friends are married,doing the family and kids thing.So i guess iv'e fully come to the realisation that i'm "alone"...in that sense.Iv'e been down for a long time about not doing anything social,with my friends - truth is i don;t want to - because that lifestyle just isn't me anymore.And that if i want to be successful,i have to move on.

I found out my 25 year old sister is taking drugs,i'm pretty sure it's either speed,coke or XTC...could be all of them - i know for a fact she's on something though.she's moving to the UK for 2 years in november.

My 16 year old cousin took his own life.

So it's been a pretty fucked up month,but in my dopamine fried PMO haze....i really lack emotion - i do Care but i just lack the ability to really feel empathy for people.

I have taken some positives out of a few things though - like university,this time last year there was no way in HELL i would've even attempted such a big step.It was huge for me,and even though i dropped out - i now know that i can do it....if anything it's cemented what i want in my mind.I'm intelligent,i can get a degree and have an awesome career - however i can't do any of it if i don't recover from this addiction...and i know i get a lot of people saying "you have to change things in your life while rebooting" and i agree,but things like university study require a level of functioning i simply don't have at the moment.

My friends,although it's sad,i also see this as a good thing.It means i am accepting that i'm a "rare breed"....i'm not some common person who's happy with a stoner lifestyle,or the boring 9-5 with the wife and kids...fuck that shit.I want to travel,jump out of planes,climb mountains etc.


Iv'e accepted there's nothing i can do to help my sister,there's no point even talking to her.she wouldn't even admit she takes drugs,let alone take my advice.She's a psychologist who works with drug addicts on a daily basis,so why she has decided to go on this pathetic drug binge is beyond me.All i can hope for is that it's just a phase.

My recent relapse was kinda different,i found myself thinking (whilst fapping) "what the fuck is this shit? why am i even doing it?"....Looking at some of the girls (sorry for the objectification) and thinking...."i could fuck her,i'm decent looking and witty with a good sense of humour...i could totally bust all kinds of nutts with bitchs like this"....Why am i wasting my life sitting in front of a screen?.It's like porn is becoming more and more pathetic to me....and i'm more determined than ever to give it the boot for good.I know the world is my oyster and this shit is all up to me now.

I really needed to get that out - thanks for stopping by guys.

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I haven't had shaking hands,although i get the faster heart rate all the time.Porn excites me so much,i get a huge rush when i start fapping,sometimes i even feel like a fuzzy sensation in my head....it's hard to describe really - almost as if i can feel the dopamine flooding my brain! - this probably sounds heaps weird,but i can compare it to being on MDMA (ecstasy),it's not the same as being on XTC,it's not as strong a feeling - but i really get what you mean about the sense of euphoria...and that's where the issue for me lies.I use it as an escape,so it's not just the "urge" to PMO - when shit goes wrong,i know i can sit at my computer desk and literally lose myself for 10 hours.I don't know about the rest of you,but i don't just mindlessly "fap"...what i mean by that is - i have a very good imagination,so i picture myself in the scene i'm watching - i completely lose myself...it's like a negative-meditative state basically.It really is like a drug for me.

It's crazy how fucked up this addiction can be.

Anyway good luck with your reboot/recovery mate!

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