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Messages - TonyPajamas

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Back From the Brink
« on: August 14, 2016, 04:02:12 AM »
once again it's been quite a few days since I've posted on here. I've been really busy which is a good thing, it keeps me away from porn. But it's also kind of bad thing because I now tend to stay up really late to indulge those temptations. Thankfully now that I'm seeing my therapist again I'm starting to do lot better at staying away from porn. I've looked at porn for a few days which is unfortunate but I'm thankfully been able to stop myself.

I'll update again soon. Things aren't great but they're not bad either, so I'm going to focus on the good things

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Back From the Brink
« on: July 09, 2016, 03:27:21 AM »
Have you tried looking for other things to do instead of playing videogames on your computer? I know because in high school I used to play WoW 12 hours a day on my custom built desktop. Things improved after I got rid of it and found new hobbies. Just a thought.
Yeah I've thought about doing something like this. I suppose I've just been having a hard time thinking of different hobbies instead. I've already started reading more and spending more time with my friends. I think it might also help to focus more of my energy in to some of passions like acting.

Otherwise things have actually been pretty good lately. I relapsed today but the last two days I was doing well and I felt very strong. I installed the accountability app and now that it's all set up I feel a lot better and more responsible. The problem is that it's pretty easy to turn off. at the very least my accountability partner might notice the suspicious gap in my history. Either way, if I fuck up, I'm going to talk to my supporting friends. I may have reset today, but I feel good about the future. The slight changes I've made to my daily life are already helping out a lot.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Back From the Brink
« on: July 02, 2016, 04:45:11 AM »
Things kind of suck right now. I've fallen in to a huge slump with relapse. The good news is I've made a new effort that I believe can help a lot. I've added an accountability app to my computer that will monitor my internet history and send it to a trustworthy partner.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Back From the Brink
« on: June 16, 2016, 03:52:09 AM »
alright, another few days have passed and much like last time I posted I looked at porn but eventually stopped myself. I'm proud of myself for stopping but I won't be truly satisfied until I can resist it all together.

My computer I've decided is definitely the main thing that pushes my mind over the edge, sitting there in front of my screen it is so readily available. During my average day I can sometimes notice the little seed of temptation being planted, maybe my internet connection waters this seed? I confided in a friend and he offered to hold on to my computer monitor until I felt comfortable. Now I'm considering taking him up on that offer. Maybe taking away my immediate connection to the internet will help keep my thoughts healthy. The thing is that also means giving up my video games which is a real shame. But maybe it's time to ask myself if the sacrifice is worth it.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Back From the Brink
« on: June 13, 2016, 03:14:32 AM »
So I'm off to a bit of a rocky start and I think it's becoming obvious to me that I need to make some major changes in my daily life if I want to encourage recovery. I understand that recovering will ultimately come from my own strength even with the ability to look at porn readily available, but I think it wouldn't hurt to at least think of some ways to avoid tempting situations.

I think the main offender is my desktop computer. I built it myself and it was very expensive I love playing video games and it is how I generally unwind from my day. The problem being that my desktop is in my room where privacy can often lead to temptation. My therapist suggested I move my computer outside of my room but the problem is that my apartment is so small that I my roommate and I don't really have a place for it to go. I suppose I could at the very least use the computer less and maybe make a cut off point where I'm not allowed on.

I think I'm going to try and stay off my computer once it hits midnight. I'll also brainstorm different ideas that could be effective.

6
Ages 20-29 / Back From the Brink
« on: June 12, 2016, 04:11:58 AM »
 Hello! My name is Kevin

I joined this site about a year ago seeking support to end my pornography addiction but unfortunately after some time I fell out of it. I started PMOing again for months and months. I was stuck in a relationship I was unhappy with which certainly wasn't helping me. Basically it was really bad and so far it's only gotten worse.

That was then though and this is now, and now I'm ready to cut it out of my life. I'm in a much happier relationship with a girl who knows about my issues. My hangup on porn has definitely impacted my sex life, I find myself having trouble to get erections and when I do get them they tend to be weak. My girlfriend and I have had sex many times but my body seems to only want porn and my left hand to do the work instead. I feel as though if I could get full erections I would enjoy sex much more and be less drawn to porn.

The thing that really sucks is when her and I started dating in March I stopped looking at porn for nearly two months, I almost wasn't even tempted to look at it which was amazing. I relapsed once and things have just spiraled out of control since then. I know I can be strong and overcome this, I just need to find the motivation within myself again and try to stay positive. I'm open to any and all advice! I want to brainstorm some ways to strengthen myself and avoid dangerous thinking and situations. I'm going to try and update frequently with my thoughts, feelings, or discoveries.

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: August 20, 2015, 05:20:40 AM »
reset

Dang, I made it 5 days clean and then I reset. I'm considering it a small setback, I think I can certainly get back on track! I think what sent me over the edge is that I was up late this night working on things for school which is starting in just a few days. The stress combined with being up late was a terrible combination for me.

I told my girlfriend about my addiction and she was very understanding and accepting. However, it almost seems as if she doesn't really care if I'm suffering from this addiction. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand, I won't have to worry about her freaking out like my last girlfriend did when I relapsed, but I also feel less motivated towards my goal.

Regardless, I need to make some changes to my lifestyle. I'm starting up exercising again tomorrow and I think I'm going to try and go to sleep earlier.

I just need to keep my eyes on the prize and remember what I'm doing it for. And it may be hard, but that's part of the trial!

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: August 18, 2015, 03:56:51 AM »
3 days without PMO

I just moved back up to my apartment for college and things have been going pretty good! Now that I'm near my girlfriend I've been seeing her a lot and that's been doing a lot of good to help me with my PMO problem.
Things have been going well so far. I would be lying if I said that the temptation hasn't been on my mind, but now that I'm with my girlfriend and I'm in an environment that requires me to work, it'll keep my nice and busy and my mind out of the gutters. I have a good feeling about the future!

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: August 11, 2015, 01:04:41 AM »
well shit, I reset again.
I was following my plan and I was maintaining a busy schedule in order to keep me from PMO, but I think what killed me is that I'm losing my motivation. I'm not really sure why my motivation has been so low. Ordinarily the thought of having a healthy sexual relationship with my girlfriend would be helpful enough to keep me away. Or at least keep me away longer than I've been averaging lately.

I'm going to be moving back to college soon, so I'll be near my girlfriend and I'll be able to see her often. I think that will certainly help. But in the mean time I need to be strong enough to stay clean by myself.

I just have to keep in mind that this is not a defeat, and I've been doing very well considering how hooked I was on PMO in my past.

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: August 07, 2015, 11:01:11 PM »
Alright BIG UPDATE I'm back!

I stopped updating because I reset again, and I'm sure the shame of having to reset my counter kept me away.
over the time I was gone I had REALLY low motivation and will, I had many days where I PMO'd and many days where I was clean.
So instead of trying to account for all that information on the tracker, I decided just to make a new tracker. it'll be something like a clean start haha.

ANYHOO, I'm back in the saddle, and with a new determination to quit! I set my counter goal to 14 days instead of 30 days for now as I figured it might help me reach my goal if it's in smaller increments. 1 week, then 2 weeks, then a month and so on!

I'm going to follow my original plan more strictly now. and I also had the idea to make a personal journal where each day I can write reasons why I want to quit and stuff like that.

I'm also planning on telling my girlfriend about this addiction very soon. I think her support and understanding would help me a lot. I'm just waiting until I can see her in person.

I GOT THIS

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: July 10, 2015, 04:14:41 PM »
had another reset a few days ago after going 5 days without PMO. The strange thing is I'm not really sure what set me off. I was feeling stressed so maybe that was the main contributor that made me give in? I'm not totally sure. I'm going to have to pay more attention to lowering my stress level.

Regardless of that fact, I'm not horribly upset, with myself. I'm actually really proud of myself for coming as far as I have. I've never been able to go this long without PMO all by myself. Even when I reset it's only once  and I can bounce back in to no PMO without giving up! I'm still shooting for my goal to at least hit another month without PMO, but I'm really proud of myself for making it this far. I just gotta give it a little extra push so I can overcome my 5-7 day relapse.

Also on a brighter note, I'm noticing some slight improvement with my erection problem. Whereas before I couldn't get a full erection even with P, I noticed during my last reset that I was completely erect. I definitely don't view this as an excuse to get back in to PMO, and I certainly don't want to condition these full erections to only come when I view P, so my resolve to completely quit still stands. It's just nice to notice a small improvement.

I have a sort of renewed confidence in myself! I may have reset a couple times but I'm not going to let it stop me! Next time I'm going to hit one month.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: July 06, 2015, 06:59:09 PM »
3 days without PMO

At day three again and I'm feeling great! Had work again this weekend so that kept me busy all day Saturday and Sunday so I didn't feel the urge much at all. (granted the urge is never really strong the first few days but whatever.)

I've already started making sure to keep my days full and to do things that keep me occupied and don't allow my bored mind to wander. I think keeping my days packed and planned with definitely help. I haven't had to take any cold showers yet but I also plan to do those more often so I dread them less haha

I may have screwed up 3 days ago but I'm not letting that keep me down. I instantly bounced back and I'm ready to quit all over again. I'm going to really build up my self discipline.

One thing that was really detrimental to my attempt to reboot last week was I noticed after a while my brain starts to try and compromise with the situation. My brain was constantly having thoughts like "Your addiction isn't so bad" or "your libido isn't as screwed up as you think" and that was a big problem. I think as long as I stick with my plan and distract myself from allowing those thoughts to come up I should be ok.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: July 02, 2015, 11:36:58 PM »
Reset :(

Damn it, just like last time I reset right after day 7. It unfortunately happened after I was going through my google docs and accidentally came across some old erotic literature that regretfully sent me over the edge. But I think I could have resisted it if I had committed to my plan better. I need to be less afraid to take cold showers. I need to exercise longer and not cut any corners. On the bright side, I've started eating a lot more fruit and other healthy foods that definitely seem to be helping with my erection problem! I didn't realize just how drastically a bad diet can affect your erections.

There's got to be some other ways to relieve the pressure of the temptation. It was pretty strong the last couple days. Anybody have any other suggestions on how to relieve or at least reduce the pressure of temptation?

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: June 30, 2015, 12:30:07 AM »
5 days without PMO

Thanks for the diet advice Achilles! I've already started following it and I'm noticing a slight improvement already!

These past few days have been pretty good for avoiding PMO. I've kept incredibly busy with work, being with my friends, and skyping my girlfriend. The temptation today on the other hand was weirdly strong. I managed to keep it under control by spending most of the day out. I also started my new daily ritual of exercising today which definitely seemed to help alleviate some of the pressure I felt. A cold shower was a good call too, though I'm not really used to them yet haha.

I think the next step I need to work on is getting an accountability buddy or just someone I can come to when the pressure is high. A few of my friends know about my addiction to PMO and I suppose I could ask one of them, I'm just worried that talking to them on the phone won't be enough. I suppose it can't hurt though, so I'll get to work on that next.  :)

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Being a Better "Me"
« on: June 27, 2015, 02:01:53 AM »
2 Days without PMO

Thanks for the advice! These past couple days have kept me pretty busy so there hasn't been a lot of time for the urge to strike. And thankfully these next two days I'll have work all day to keep me busy, and that will also act as a deterrent I think. But I can recognize that sometimes the urge does come when I'm exhausted and relaxing from a full work day. I think as long as I stick to my rules to keep my door open and my laptop out of my room I think it shouldn't be a problem. If it gets bad I can relocate or call a friend.

I need to be prepared for day 5 since I've noticed that seems to be when a slight withdrawal of some sort kicks in and probably what spurred my relapses in the past couple weeks. I want to be mentally prepared to overcome it and take action against it.

I really appreciate the support so far! Thanks for the well wishes and advice! I have one quick question, Achilles, is there a specific diet I should follow? or do I just need to make sure I'm eating a healthy diet?

16
Ages 20-29 / Being a Better "Me"
« on: June 25, 2015, 03:48:12 AM »
Hey there! My name is Kevin.

I wanted to introduce myself and let everyone in on my journey to rid myself of this ridiculous addiction.

I'm 20 years old right now and I've been getting off to P ever since I was about 11 or 12. Needless to say it's been heavily ingrained in my mind and been affecting me for way too long.

I've tried multiple times to quit in the past but to no real avail. One year ago I managed to go no PMO or MO for a full month though I sadly relapsed. I thought one month was all I needed to kick this addiction and get full erections so I could have satisfactory sex with my girlfriend at the time. Of course, after reading more on this sight I can see that I definitely needed more time, especially considering how long PMO has been a part of my life. It is so bad that I can't get "complete" erections for more than a few moments even looking at P.

Recently I decided that I need to finally put this addiction to rest and reboot my mind. I have a new girlfriend that I care for very much and I want to be able to get full erections with her when we eventually move to a sexual relationship. and of course I want to badly to lead a clean and healthy life. I managed to go a week free of PMO or MO a little while ago before I reset, and then I managed to go five days before I reset again (which was yesterday and today). But I think this journal, some support, and a plan will be really beneficial in my journey. So far my plan is a set of rules that I think will help me achieve my goal, but I will most likely add to the list of rules as time goes on. So far my plan/rules are:

1. My laptop will stay outside my room no matter the circumstances

2. The door to my room will stay at least somewhat ajar unless I'm changing clothes

3. I will make a habit of exercising at least once a day

Being alone in my room and boredom are big triggers for my urge to PMO. So I'm trying to take precautions to avoid those situations. I am also aiming to take a up a new habit to replace PMO, or at least to keep me distracted from it.

If anyone has any suggestions or advice that helped them with their reboot, please feel free to tell me! I'm going to update this journal daily with my thoughts and experiences as I go on. I know I can do this!

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