2020 Journal

Hi.

I'm a returning member, and a long-term porn addiction struggler. As is not uncommon with such beginnings - or restarts - I'm here in somewhat of a rock-bottom scenario.

I'm aware, though, that by the standards of this addiction I remain relatively lucky. I've certainly damaged my sex life, but I still have a loving partner. I've had very occasional PIED but it hasn't been an ongoing problem. And I've been relatively fortunate in not escalating my use in various ways.

Alongside the porn problem I have broader internet-use issues. This is largely social media. I've quit Facebook successfully (in June 2016), but I have an ongoing Twitter problem. I deleted my account today.

I use YouTube too much, but I will continue to use it for the moment as it doesn't seem a pressing cause of distress. Time will tell if that's a wise move (I suspect it is not).

I can't engage with either porn or twitter in any sensible way. If I go near either I'm not far from bingeing and from feeling angry, ashamed, guilty... and so on and so on.

A fairly familiar story.

I've done this before. I was an enthusiastic user of the NoFap forum but left there as overuse of that forum itself became a problem. I also had some issues with the way the site was run.

I think I need support, but I don't want to become dependent on posting here.

I have a lot going in my favour: I'm well established in recovery from drugs and alcohol (coming up to 7 years). That recovery has seen some positives in my life. I'm much fitter and healthier than I've ever been. I have a loving relationship. In terms of work, finances, housing and so on I don't have too much to be scared about - though I would love to improve things, particularly my work life. I haev a fairly clear idea of the things (exercise, meditation, creativity) that are positives for me and that help me stay sober.

I have challenges: I work at home, alone, as a content writer and I need to be online for most of my working life; stopping drinking cut off my main avenue for socialising and I can be somewhat solitary. Challenges... we're addicts, I suspect we all have some level of personality or psychological change we would like to make. I'm not currently in any form of counselling or treatment but I have had a good deal of that related to my alcohol addiction.

I need help. Maybe some companionship.

That's about it for now. I can overuse these forums, so expect to see a lot of me.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to meeting some of you in due course.

Hi OwainOwen,
Welcome to the forum. Like you, I'm a recidivist 51 years old, porn addiction started to spiral out of control in 2004 when I got broadband. Have quit and relapsed numerous times. I quit cocaine and alcohol a long time ago. Fortunately.
I do still struggle with non productive online habits. Not social media so much but meme sites or endless surfing on YouTube. Alternative sources of dopamine. There's help and companionship on this forum. You can find an accountability partner. That way you can reach out when things are difficult. Like on WhatsApp.
Good to hear you have a loving partner. Have you spoken about your porn use? I've always kept it a secret and with my ex that's probably for the best. As a woman with borderline syndrome she would have had a proper meltdown.
Welcome aboard my friend
Harry

Hey Harry,

Thank you for the greetings.

The fact that it took me around 20 days to reply might give you a fair indication of how things are going at the moment.

Really, it's just been very poor since I posted here.

I'm still binge using porn when my partner is away, but convincing myself that it's no big deal because I've acknowledged that it's a problem and it's not causing physical problems. (It is of course causing a hell of a lot of other problems.)

I restarted using Twitter. I have a specific issue with Twitter, which I use for political purposes, of a sort. It's very self-harming for me: I'm constantly angry, for starters.

So...

I'm kinda starting again.

I'm trying to use Freedom as a blocking tool. I used K9 in the past, but it now seems to have died.

Lots of positives. Lots to fight for.

Here we go.

Thanks.

Struggling along.

I'm actually porn free today, so that's a start. But, social media and other stuff comes in its place.

But that's a minor win. Lots on my mind. Lots of stress. Lots to talk about. Too scared to so do at the moment.

I feel rather stupid. . .

When you're ready,  we're here to support you.

Hey, thank you, Brad, I appreciate that.

I managed to have a bit more of a look around the forum the other day and tried to say hello to some people, but haven't had the chance yet to get back and see how people are doing.

I've continued to struggle.

But today, I am on day 3, porn free, and also social media free, as I managed to stay off all screens over the weekend.

I know there are things that help me: exercising, meditation, creative hobbies, socialising... and all the things I'm sure you're all hoping to do more of.

So I need to do more of them.

Pleased to be confident of completing today clean and sober (as it were), and I wish you all well.

Thanks,

Owain.

Day 4 passing by OK.

I'm a bit more engaged with the world. I did some clothes shopping - yoiks! - and I'm getting back into cooking. I'm trying to turn my computer off off when I finish work (I don't, deliberately, have a smart phone) and also to not look at it before breakfast.

Little boundaries, but I think they're a move in the right direction.

My exercising has been rather curtailed lately as I have some sort of back/shoulder issue.

Nevertheless I'm pleased to be where I am.

Have good days. 

And, relapse. . .

Just noting it for now. I've been doing this on my own for so long now I haven't had anywhere to share my ups and downs. What I've been doing in response (hello, self-loathing my old friend) hasn't been working.

I'll note the triggers:

A shop in town. A name.

And move on. . . 

I'm still really struggling.

I need to get started again, and I'm not quiet sure how to.

I'll cast around today, and try to keep busy. The truth is I haven't gone more than a few days porn free probably for years, and I've never gone more than 30.

I should know where I am and what to do with addiction.

I am still twitter free. That's a positive.

Onwards

MAKE A JOURNAL!

One journal per member


It is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED that everyone starts their own journal.

Journals have been proven to be very effective for helping people overcome their porn addictions.

Journals are grouped by age, so that peers can help each other.

Follow these steps:

Step #1: Choose an age sub-section and click on "New Topic"

The journals are divided by age because we have way too many people on board. This helps keep the forum organized.

Step #2: Give your journal a name

It can be anything! A motivational phrase, your ultimate goal, the name of something that inspires you, anything you want.

This will give your journal its own identity.

Step #3: Take your time to tell us your story

The first post of the journal is the proper way to introduce yourself to everyone in the forum. Tell us your background, goals, sticking points, etc. Take your time and make it as detailed as possible.

People will read your first post when they want to know about you.

Also, if you are rebooting try to include some of these items in each journal entry:

    Did I use porn today?
    What were my triggers?
    How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
    What am I grateful for today?
    Day counter!


Step #4: Keep all the progress updates in your journal

Please don't flood the main forum with threads about what day you're on.

Keep all your progress (and questions specific to your progress) in the journal.

Yes, the thread will get long, but it's better that way.

Reading a journal from start to finish would be like reading a story of a person who used to be porn addict and then finally recovered. It will have all the details, all the ups and downs, and all the help and encouragement received from other forum members, which leads me to...

Step #5: Participate in other people's journals

This section is a lot more effective if we participate in each other's journals. It is highly encouraged to open other journals and post, ask questions, show support and give advice.

This will make us feel like a family with everyone helping everyone. Remember also, there are lurkers who do not make accounts who are being helped by our posts as well.