Patiently and persistently with a calm and quiet mind (journal)

Hello Reboot Nation. It's nice to be part of this community. So, a little about myself and why I'm here... Recently I realised that I've been watching porn for 30 years. It started when I was 17 at a friends house, which I suppose was a fairly mature age for porno exposure, however I had never had an orgasm. I was a late bloomer - but sure enough, with the erotic video content freshly etched in my adolescent brain, I was able to finally masturbate to completion! From there, I felt like I was making up for lost time. I discovered that I could rent VHS from the local video store, even though I was underage. They were open 24 hours, so after a night out with my friends, I would find myself perusing the shelves in the adult section. Part of the thrill was just the plain naughtyness of secretly being in a video store looking at adult movies displayed on the wall. I loved the boxes and would enjoy the whole selection process. I always felt somewhat ashamed about renting porn though, and my biggest fear was meeting someone I knew as I came out of the store clutching my discreet black plastic bag. Well this habit continued all through college and university. I dated a lot, and was relatively successful with women, but relationships were pretty superficial and never lasted long. During this time I ended up working in a video store that had a "Blue Room". I loved going in there and checking for new releases! We could rent for free, but I was still embarrassed about the movies that I liked to watch - so I created a fake account and would rent under a pseudonym. The amount of porn that I watched wasn't huge, but my consumption was consistent. I remember hearing "If you can still function normally with work and studying, then you don't have a problem". Therefore, I just thought of myself as a normal guy with a healthy libido. I could easily go a couple of weeks with out watching, but probably not much more than that. Occasionally I would miss social events because I would be having a "quite night at home". But still no alarm bells ringing. Things went on this way until about 2004. Around this time I noticed a shift in the industry - video resolution improved (maybe HD), but also content was becoming more graphic. A certain genre had developed and for me it was the ultimate forbidden fruit. I remember watching this for the first time and feeling disturbed... but also extremely aroused. I was old school though, so I enjoyed watching an entire scene and letting things build up to the final climax. I really felt like I was polluting my soul though, it just felt like what I was doing was wrong. Things haven't really escalated from there - neither in content nor level of consumption. They've just switched medium over to the internet, and my television has gotten larger I've tried quitting before. The first time was in 2001 when I moved back to Canada from Australia. I remember throwing my humble VHS collection into a public rubbish bin and giving it a farewell salute. Well that lasted maybe all of two weeks before I was back at my old favourite jaunts. Again in 2004 - this time physically snipping my DVD's into pieces with scissors. And then again in 2009, more DVD's in the bin. And then finally again in 2015 by deleting all digital copies from my computer - this time I was successful in going 2 1/2 months without any porn. I felt pretty good, and when I did go back to it, I remember thinking "what? you really watch this stuff?". For the last 10 years I've been in a relationship and I have two great kids. My girlfriend and I split up six months ago though, so now I've got my own place and we share the kids. Needless to say, lots of time and freedom to see porn. I've never had ED, however as long as I can remember I would fantasise about porn when having sex with my parter. This became almost necessary in order to achieve an orgasm. It just didn't seem possible to be "in the now". I also developed a habit of smoking pot and watching porn - this just seemed to make the experience even more real and enjoyable. I could also go for longer stretches of time if I was stoned. I'm an occasional user of cannabis - just like porn - and enjoy playing video games, watching movies and playing guitar. The problem is that when I have a little toke, I get super horny and the urge to watch porn overpowers me. This is the time when I will most likely fall of the wagon. In summary, I want to go clean - no PMO. I'm at a stage in my life with new beginnings, and this is the perfect time for me to discover who I am - the non-porno version. I'm sure that this will lead to reduced anxiety, more outgoing social behaviour and meaningful relationships. The caveat is that I don't want to give up pot as well - kicking one habit is tough enough, but two at once... I'm not so sure I can do that. Anyway, thanks for letting me share my story. Oh, I should also mention that this is day 2 no PMO.

Welcome aboard. Sorry to read about your difficulties, and I take my hat off to you for trying to make a change. I smiled at your description of snipping your old DVD collection into unusable pieces 
I get where you're coming from in relation to not trying to stop using pot at the same time as stop using P, but if pot's a major trigger for your PMO, it looks more difficult for you to stop using P while you continue to smoke. More difficult, but not impossible, right? We've all had to cope with triggers. I'm sure you can find a way to create a separation. So.... good luck to you. I wish you every success. Hope to read more about your journey soon.

Glad to have you here BlueSky,

BlueSky72 said:

this time physically snipping my DVD's into pieces with scissors.

Click to expand...

Oh how these stories sound familiar. When we are young (or not so young) we think we are the only one that goes through this process. How many times have I destroyed my stash to begin collecting again.

Once, when I was about 16-17 I thought if I would ceremoniously burn all my penthouse magazines, showing how disgusted I was with this intense habit. No one was home so I stepped outside my house to begin the purge. I started the fire, burned the magazines, then realized I had a problem. It was winter and I had a pile of black ash in the snow. It was a bit difficult to hide the remnants of the fire. No matter how hard I tried to cover it up, the black ash remained. How I got that by my parents was a mystery to me.

Oh, the troubles of youth. 

Anyway, glad you are here and good luck with your journey.

Peace

Thanks bob and workinprogressUK for your support. This is week 2 now and still going strong. That was a good point workinprogressUK about pot being a trigger - I hadn't really thought of it like that, but that's exactly what it is. I actually had a few puffs a couple of nights ago and I was able to stay rock solid (my will power I mean ). That was an important step, because it showed me that I can disentangle the two. I think that because I KNOW now that porn is harmful to me, that it's really strengthened my resolve to overcome it. Other times that I had tried to quite there was always just a little bit of doubt... Arguments like: "look you've been so good, you haven't seen any P for two months - surely you deserve just a little bit! Plus, what's so bad about porn anyway?", would ultimately win over me.

Good storey bob about the burned penthouse magazines! I've done so much crazy stuff like that too. I remember once being on holiday in Vancouver and staying at my parents house and renting porn, but I procrastinated in returning it. I ended up sneaking out of the house at 4 o'clock in the morning and taking a taxi across town to the video shop and then back again, sneaking back in to the house, only to pretend waking up at 6 AM for my early morning flight. Crazy!
   

Great job on a good start.  I find the discussion concerning pot to be interesting.  It has been a long, long time since I have fired up the ole bong but I still remember those days quite well.  I don't see how it improves one in much of anyway (working, study, talking to people, etc), but, hope you can continue to disentangle, as you phrased it.  Best wishes as you move forward!

''hope the crumbs in my pocket can keep me for another night"

Blue Sky Mine
Midnight Oil   

Thanks for your support jixu. Yes, the ole bong! I remember those days too Technology has evolved and now pocket vaporizers are the thing. I'm experimenting with cannabis in connection with a medical condition as it seems to elevate my symptoms and give me an extra boost of energy. Previously, I've always tried to go cold turkey with pot and P at the same time only to eventually give in to both (sometimes on the same occasion). In those days it was more recreational than medicinal. 

Going strong into week 3. I've realized that masturbating without P or visualizing P, is actually pretty boring?! Guess, I should give the little fella a rest (not wrist) for a while. Sadly, no real women on the horizon at the moment

The "little fella" will tell you when he is ready.

Well, I've had three little slips... The first was a few days ago with a viewing time of 9 min, 53 seconds. The other two occasions were yesterday with a total viewing time of about half an hour. Not good. I'm happy though that I had a 34 day streak! I've decided that the pot has to go too. It weakens my resolve. Porn is a tricky beast to tame; there can't be any chinks in your armour - otherwise it finds a way in.

Day 1 again today - that's okay, I'm regrouping and making myself stronger.

I'm back. After several months of spiralling out of control, I've realized that this really has to stop. I can see now that I had convinced myself that I didn't have a problem - that I wasn't one of those people that was addicted, that P was just another sensory pleasure for humans to enjoy... I had made some technological improvements that allowed me to view P at 1080p resolution on my 50" television. I had also added a mixer, so that I could mix in tunes (AC/DC, Guns n Roses, etc.) while viewing. This combined with more extreme content, whiskey and weed... well you can see where that was heading. That kind of sensory overload, has to be shaping my brain in unnatural ways. I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but how could a woman ever compete with that? When I would finally go to bed, the P imagery would still be etched in my mind - playing little segments - as I drifted off to sleep. Alarm bells ringing!! Stop, stop, stop. Do something more productive and rewarding with your life! Stop the pseudo-satisfiers and work towards something meaningful and rewarding!

So here I am, with a new sense of purpose and renewed resolve. I can beat this thing - one day at a time.

Day 2 no PMO. Let's see if we can go a whole year.

Hi BlueSky.  You did indeed paint quite a picture of sensory overload! Hope with your new purpose you can establish a good solid pace, the one day at a time patient reorientation that will take you where you want to go.  Pace is everything-slow and steady she goes!

Good morning BlueSky

      Yes  slow and steady as she goes is a good way to go  perhaps begin by breaking familiar patterns  use the music for something else  or explore new music  1  it will take up some time and 2  it breaks the pattern of what you were mixing together    Than relax give yourself time to think about a new direction

    Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

Thanks jixu and joepanic for your support. I'm currently enjoying the calm after the storm. Yes, new music and new directions - nice n' easy as we go.