Taking my steps, one day at a time!

Hey people, hope you are all powering well.

My story is not that special, I just want to get rid of my reliance on porn.
I was exposed to porno at maybe age 8, lower-income neighborhood-crime ridden etc...Anyway, abusive father, beat up regulary without cause, maybe to self medicate his anxiety which comes through in the form of rage(im not soo dissimilar). My grades were shit, I wasn't popular with chicks and home life was hell. I would spend hours and hours on porn. I'd get into loads of fights in school just for kicks and would kick it with gang members.

Anyway, got betrayed by my closest friend in the gang, escaped gang culture, focused on education and magically turned my grades around. Went to university but that was bad. This is when shit got real, left to your own devices, I would just watch porn constantly and try escape reality...despite being in a much better place environmentally. Over a period of months, I didn't leave my room, moldy food, everything a mess and my brain would just be fried. This constant battle of being soo close of getting my shit together and then going into "fuck it" mode and binging on porn and fast food has cost me a lot.

Its a cycle that has plagued me for years, and now I genuinely had enough. Each time I get in the momentum of things, go good at work or fulfill goals etc I slip into "need to reward myself" and boom 2/3 days go by in the fap cave. I even have a GF but theres a comfort level with porn and fast food. I would doubt I had an addiction but now its becoming apparent, porn might be something that will latch onto me like an insidious infection for the rest of my life.

RoadtoFreedom83 said:

being soo close of getting my shit together and then going into "fuck it" mode and binging on porn and fast food has cost me a lot.

Click to expand...

I felt that, I experience the same kind of battle of focus with the necessity of taking action accordingly instead of drifting away. Let's keep on.

Purity Power said:

RoadtoFreedom83 said:

being soo close of getting my shit together and then going into "fuck it" mode and binging on porn and fast food has cost me a lot.

Click to expand...

I felt that, I experience the same kind of battle of focus with the necessity of taking action accordingly instead of drifting away. Let's keep on.

Click to expand...

Yh man, drifting back and forth, trying to limit it as much as possible

Day 4 of NoFap! So far so hard  ;D

ranging from having no erections to HOLY!!FUCCCKK!! I NEEED TO FUCK!! I don't have much porn cravings and I feel the energy rising from my belly. My thoughts are waaaaay clear and Im alot disciplined but not as much as i'd like but comfortably functional. I could barely manage having a part time job without the feeling of fatigue. Hope to manage myself better to create a side business along with my job and soon jump ship into self employment.

I need to learn to manage my androgens, raging hormones especially when waking up

I cocked up, porn is a bitch.

Anyway, I'm glad I got anuva chance, gonna be realistic...not gonna fap or watch porn for 20 days. Thats just outside my comfort zone and I am motivated to hit that goal.

I had such an amazing streak!! FUCK

This is a message to my future self when revisiting this, you may feel re-invigorated and think "I'm beyond fapping, I got all the juice in the world", however when you relapse you relapse hard. You have an actual addiction, you fap out of self soothing, I know sometimes the heat energy can get alot and the racing thoughts of needing to CUM becomes obsessive, but when you go past that, there is a promise land.

Mantak Chia called it the golden nectar. Feeling horny? Wim Hof and cold shower mother fucker! You know why you can watch porn?

When you relapse you fukin watch it for hours, fap non stop and drain yourself. Shit get existential, you have no energy or libido for days! YOU FEEL FEEBLE, DEPLETED and WEAK. (9/07/20)