seekinglife
Member
So in the month of November 2019, was a time I had reached my all-time low in life. I felt depressed as ever. I just turned 22, was still addicted to my fetish porn genres, and was still a virgin.
In my head, I thought I was only growing older and older, not being able to live in the way that I wanted. And not feeling like a fucking man - still being 22 and never having had sex, while being around a lot of friends and other people around my age enjoying a fun sex life - as most young people should...
It has always been one of my biggest insecurities, and still is to this day. And you're gonna find out why this insecurity of mine is now affecting my current relationship with a girl I am talking to currently.
To give a bit of background, i've been talking to this amazing girl for almost a year now. We met for the first time (online) back when I traveled to France last July 2019, and have been talking since.
We have never met physically yet, but I plan to visit France again once the borders are opened up between theUS and Europe (after COVID).
So between the months of July - October 2019 is when we were just talking "here and there". You know, I'd text her stuff, she would reply maybe 3-5 days later, and I'd do the same. It wasn't anything too serious, but was rather casual.
I didn't have any strong feelings towards her, as I really didn't want to find myself getting attached to someone who lived across the world from me.
However, that all changed when the month of November approached.
Like I said above, this was a period of time where I was extremely depressed. I felt helpless, I felt that I was trapped under my addiction and only felt like I was getting older, and older, still remaining a virgin.
Then she sent me one of the sweetest videos ever - wishing me a Happy Birthday.
It was literally the sweetest thing i'd ever received. Like she was so kind for that, and that boosted me up to another level/high i had never been at before. It felt like someone out there actually cared about me. Someone actually acknowledged the fact it was my birthday. And more importantly, it was a REAL girl showing interest in me for taking the time to do this.
It was at this moment, when we both knew that we liked each other. Well, I guess, she already liked me, but I just didn't really know. But this action alone, made me realize that I wanted to make things serious with her. She seemed really different and sweet to me, and I liked her for that.
This was also the start to one of the longest streaks of NoFap I had ever achieved - which was 60 days... however, more on that later.
So fast forward since November, our conversations have definitely changed from the "friend-to-friend" type of talk to a "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk. Saying things like "babe", "baby", telling each other how attractive we look, how we want to kiss each other, etc.
Then there were moments where things got kind of steamy and provocative.
Where I'd talk about what I wanted to do with her body parts, and that I wanted to fuck her.
So in my perspective, if I'm gonna talk to my girl this way, I want to appear as masculine as possible. The last thing i'd want her to know is that I am secretly a virgin, who has no experience in the things I was saying.
Going back to my insecurities of being a virgin, is that it really has affected my ego. Like really, really severely. I've had to lie to multiple people, and even my family that i've had sex before...
And I do this out of the fear of people judging me for it, or viewing me in a less masculine way. Because I will tell you now, that I am a person who generally shows a very masculine demeanor. And people would look at me and be absolutely SURPRISED that I am even a virgin, let alone someone who is still dealing with porn addiction.
And because i've portrayed this type of demeanor to the girl I've been talking to, she's also assumed that I'm not a virgin. And that's the way I wanted to keep it. Again, to maintain my ego.
So each time that i would talk sexually to this girl, she always seemed shy to build off of the topics any further. But let me quickly assure that the things I was saying to her did not make her feel uncomfortable - like I could see she was blushing and wanted me to do those things. She even said it.
The thing is, is that she is just such a sweetheart. Like she has a very sweet and precious soul and so I assumed it was because of her personality, that she doesn't like to talk vulgarly in this way. And would rather just show it in person, or allow me to handle it (as a man should...)
So that was one reason I assumed. However, I had another theory:
That she wouldn't build off of our sexual conversations because she was inexperienced and didn't really know what to say.
Anyways, these sexual conversations continued for months - with these exact assumptions in my head. Not once did I ever ask if she's had sex before, because I feared that it would then lead her to ask me if I did - which would result in me lying to her... which I really, really, did not want to have to do....
Let me also add that despite our sexual conversations, we also definitely talked about our previous love lives.
I vividly remember when she told me that she's kissed guys (which was totally ok for me), but that she would NEVER let a guy get "past that point". She told me this a few times actually when we talked about using apps like Tinder, etc.
Again, she said she's met up with a few guys - but that they were all weird experiences and she never actually hooked up with any of them.
So you could imagine, with all these details I had in my mind for the past several months that we were talking - I had FULL assumption that she was pure and had never had sex!
That actually made me want her even more. I thought that I had found the most special girl for me. The fact that I am still a virgin, and that she possibly could be too. And then when we finally meet, it would be an extremely sensual and beautiful moment for the both of us!
These imaginary thoughts filled me with excitement every single day that we talked... only until our recent FaceTime this morning...
Fast forward into our conversation, it eventually led into talking about what we used to do in our past lives. And then I mentioned that I didn't like knowing another guy kissed her (in a joking manner), as obviously these instances were mutual between us. I've kissed multiple girls in my life, and i've told her.
But then naturally, I finally just worked up the courage to ask this next question... "but you never let a guy see ALL of you, right?".
And then there was a slight pause....
"..Yes, I have".
When I heard that come out of her mouth, I will tell you that my heart dropped like a fucking 2000lbs weight.
And then I started asking her multiple questions like "wait, when?", "how old were you?", "how did it happen?". But i said it in very cool manner that didn't sound like I was upset. I was keeping my cool the entire time.
However I started mentioning some of the things she stated to me in the past, like how she would never let a guy get "past that point" with her.
According to her, that statement still stood with her. And that her defense was that she was 18 at the time, she was "dumb", and just let it happen. And because it wasn't the best experience, that is when she developed the motto of not letting guys get "to that point".
But another thing confused me, because as the conversation kept going, I then ended up asking "so was that the only time it happened?", and then she paused again, saying it wasn't... meaning she probably had sex with MORE guys when she was 19, 20, 21, WHO KNOWS!
After that, I kind of just presented this "jokingly" sad behavior - saying to her how I really just didn't like knowing how other guys have gotten to that point with her... And I just stopped myself after that as I didn't want to continue asking more questions that was only hurting me deep inside even more.
Of course, to her defense, she also stated that she didn't like the idea of me fucking around with other girls. I've mentioned to her a few times i've had my moments with women, but it "wasn't a good experience". I didn't actually mention whether I had sex or not. To her analysis, I'd assume she just thought I probably had sex, and it just wasn't good.
And that's where the conversation ended. Shortly after, I just said I had to go, however, everything ended in a positive note. Like I said, I kept my cool the entire time.
That is... once we hung up.
Right after, I fucking screamed, punched my bed multiple times, and felt like "what the fuck just happened??!!". "She isn't a virgin??!!" "WHAT???!!!"
I started having all of these thoughts in my head like how I could not even look at her the same anymore.
I ended up looking at all of my photos of her, and couldn't stop to think about the fact some other fucking douchebag - that WASN'T me - got to that level of intimacy with her!
In my head the whole time, I was just so fucking confused. She told me never would let guys get to this point with her, yet I had just found out, she in fact, DID!
Now a part of me really feels hurt because i feel like I was misled in a way. Then again, i am also partly to blame for even "assuming" she was a virgin in the first place, and prolonged it up until this point.
I just don't know how to feel right now. Like I have so much anxiety, I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach, and now I just feel worried.
Now I am sitting here just really feeling like if I should find out the full truth? Because now i feel even more uncomfortable not knowing who else she's had sex with, let alone when was even the last time she did so!
One may think I sound extremely one-sided in this situation, and believe me, I 100% see her past life with perspective.
At the end of the day, she was having sex with men long before she met me. So how the fuck could she have known?
It's just that I feel so fucking heartbroken by assuming that she was "pure" and was a virgin, only to finally find out today that she indeed has had sex, despite everything she told me before.
I legitimately thought she was a virgin! Like I was really certain of that!
And this goes back to my insecurity of being a virgin once again! I am so afraid to even let this girl know that I'm a virgin. I was trying to uphold this ego this entire time, trying to make it seem like i'm experienced, to a girl in whom I thought, was not experienced.
But the tables have definitely turned haven't they...
So anyways, I plan to talk to her about this again tomorrow, or sometime this weekend. I feel like there are so much more questions left unanswered, and its best I just find out the full truth.
I really, really, really want to know how many guys she's actually had sex with. And I will tell you, if it is a rather high number like 3-5+, I will fucking be heartbroken once again.
Like I said, i've assumed all along like she's this pure angel and "never" lets guys get to that point. But if she ended up having sex with 5 guys in her life, then I feel like i've just been lied to.
If there is anyone out there with a similar experience with mine. You know, being a virgin but also being with someone who isn't. How did you cope with it?
All advice is super appreciated as I am just so fucking confused and hurt right now. My hands are shaking, and I feel so uneasy. I need to go for walk now...
In my head, I thought I was only growing older and older, not being able to live in the way that I wanted. And not feeling like a fucking man - still being 22 and never having had sex, while being around a lot of friends and other people around my age enjoying a fun sex life - as most young people should...
It has always been one of my biggest insecurities, and still is to this day. And you're gonna find out why this insecurity of mine is now affecting my current relationship with a girl I am talking to currently.
To give a bit of background, i've been talking to this amazing girl for almost a year now. We met for the first time (online) back when I traveled to France last July 2019, and have been talking since.
We have never met physically yet, but I plan to visit France again once the borders are opened up between theUS and Europe (after COVID).
So between the months of July - October 2019 is when we were just talking "here and there". You know, I'd text her stuff, she would reply maybe 3-5 days later, and I'd do the same. It wasn't anything too serious, but was rather casual.
I didn't have any strong feelings towards her, as I really didn't want to find myself getting attached to someone who lived across the world from me.
However, that all changed when the month of November approached.
Like I said above, this was a period of time where I was extremely depressed. I felt helpless, I felt that I was trapped under my addiction and only felt like I was getting older, and older, still remaining a virgin.
Then she sent me one of the sweetest videos ever - wishing me a Happy Birthday.
It was literally the sweetest thing i'd ever received. Like she was so kind for that, and that boosted me up to another level/high i had never been at before. It felt like someone out there actually cared about me. Someone actually acknowledged the fact it was my birthday. And more importantly, it was a REAL girl showing interest in me for taking the time to do this.
It was at this moment, when we both knew that we liked each other. Well, I guess, she already liked me, but I just didn't really know. But this action alone, made me realize that I wanted to make things serious with her. She seemed really different and sweet to me, and I liked her for that.
This was also the start to one of the longest streaks of NoFap I had ever achieved - which was 60 days... however, more on that later.
So fast forward since November, our conversations have definitely changed from the "friend-to-friend" type of talk to a "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk. Saying things like "babe", "baby", telling each other how attractive we look, how we want to kiss each other, etc.
Then there were moments where things got kind of steamy and provocative.
Where I'd talk about what I wanted to do with her body parts, and that I wanted to fuck her.
So in my perspective, if I'm gonna talk to my girl this way, I want to appear as masculine as possible. The last thing i'd want her to know is that I am secretly a virgin, who has no experience in the things I was saying.
Going back to my insecurities of being a virgin, is that it really has affected my ego. Like really, really severely. I've had to lie to multiple people, and even my family that i've had sex before...
And I do this out of the fear of people judging me for it, or viewing me in a less masculine way. Because I will tell you now, that I am a person who generally shows a very masculine demeanor. And people would look at me and be absolutely SURPRISED that I am even a virgin, let alone someone who is still dealing with porn addiction.
And because i've portrayed this type of demeanor to the girl I've been talking to, she's also assumed that I'm not a virgin. And that's the way I wanted to keep it. Again, to maintain my ego.
So each time that i would talk sexually to this girl, she always seemed shy to build off of the topics any further. But let me quickly assure that the things I was saying to her did not make her feel uncomfortable - like I could see she was blushing and wanted me to do those things. She even said it.
The thing is, is that she is just such a sweetheart. Like she has a very sweet and precious soul and so I assumed it was because of her personality, that she doesn't like to talk vulgarly in this way. And would rather just show it in person, or allow me to handle it (as a man should...)
So that was one reason I assumed. However, I had another theory:
That she wouldn't build off of our sexual conversations because she was inexperienced and didn't really know what to say.
Anyways, these sexual conversations continued for months - with these exact assumptions in my head. Not once did I ever ask if she's had sex before, because I feared that it would then lead her to ask me if I did - which would result in me lying to her... which I really, really, did not want to have to do....
Let me also add that despite our sexual conversations, we also definitely talked about our previous love lives.
I vividly remember when she told me that she's kissed guys (which was totally ok for me), but that she would NEVER let a guy get "past that point". She told me this a few times actually when we talked about using apps like Tinder, etc.
Again, she said she's met up with a few guys - but that they were all weird experiences and she never actually hooked up with any of them.
So you could imagine, with all these details I had in my mind for the past several months that we were talking - I had FULL assumption that she was pure and had never had sex!
That actually made me want her even more. I thought that I had found the most special girl for me. The fact that I am still a virgin, and that she possibly could be too. And then when we finally meet, it would be an extremely sensual and beautiful moment for the both of us!
These imaginary thoughts filled me with excitement every single day that we talked... only until our recent FaceTime this morning...
Fast forward into our conversation, it eventually led into talking about what we used to do in our past lives. And then I mentioned that I didn't like knowing another guy kissed her (in a joking manner), as obviously these instances were mutual between us. I've kissed multiple girls in my life, and i've told her.
But then naturally, I finally just worked up the courage to ask this next question... "but you never let a guy see ALL of you, right?".
And then there was a slight pause....
"..Yes, I have".
When I heard that come out of her mouth, I will tell you that my heart dropped like a fucking 2000lbs weight.
And then I started asking her multiple questions like "wait, when?", "how old were you?", "how did it happen?". But i said it in very cool manner that didn't sound like I was upset. I was keeping my cool the entire time.
However I started mentioning some of the things she stated to me in the past, like how she would never let a guy get "past that point" with her.
According to her, that statement still stood with her. And that her defense was that she was 18 at the time, she was "dumb", and just let it happen. And because it wasn't the best experience, that is when she developed the motto of not letting guys get "to that point".
But another thing confused me, because as the conversation kept going, I then ended up asking "so was that the only time it happened?", and then she paused again, saying it wasn't... meaning she probably had sex with MORE guys when she was 19, 20, 21, WHO KNOWS!
After that, I kind of just presented this "jokingly" sad behavior - saying to her how I really just didn't like knowing how other guys have gotten to that point with her... And I just stopped myself after that as I didn't want to continue asking more questions that was only hurting me deep inside even more.
Of course, to her defense, she also stated that she didn't like the idea of me fucking around with other girls. I've mentioned to her a few times i've had my moments with women, but it "wasn't a good experience". I didn't actually mention whether I had sex or not. To her analysis, I'd assume she just thought I probably had sex, and it just wasn't good.
And that's where the conversation ended. Shortly after, I just said I had to go, however, everything ended in a positive note. Like I said, I kept my cool the entire time.
That is... once we hung up.
Right after, I fucking screamed, punched my bed multiple times, and felt like "what the fuck just happened??!!". "She isn't a virgin??!!" "WHAT???!!!"
I started having all of these thoughts in my head like how I could not even look at her the same anymore.
I ended up looking at all of my photos of her, and couldn't stop to think about the fact some other fucking douchebag - that WASN'T me - got to that level of intimacy with her!
In my head the whole time, I was just so fucking confused. She told me never would let guys get to this point with her, yet I had just found out, she in fact, DID!
Now a part of me really feels hurt because i feel like I was misled in a way. Then again, i am also partly to blame for even "assuming" she was a virgin in the first place, and prolonged it up until this point.
I just don't know how to feel right now. Like I have so much anxiety, I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach, and now I just feel worried.
Now I am sitting here just really feeling like if I should find out the full truth? Because now i feel even more uncomfortable not knowing who else she's had sex with, let alone when was even the last time she did so!
One may think I sound extremely one-sided in this situation, and believe me, I 100% see her past life with perspective.
At the end of the day, she was having sex with men long before she met me. So how the fuck could she have known?
It's just that I feel so fucking heartbroken by assuming that she was "pure" and was a virgin, only to finally find out today that she indeed has had sex, despite everything she told me before.
I legitimately thought she was a virgin! Like I was really certain of that!
And this goes back to my insecurity of being a virgin once again! I am so afraid to even let this girl know that I'm a virgin. I was trying to uphold this ego this entire time, trying to make it seem like i'm experienced, to a girl in whom I thought, was not experienced.
But the tables have definitely turned haven't they...
So anyways, I plan to talk to her about this again tomorrow, or sometime this weekend. I feel like there are so much more questions left unanswered, and its best I just find out the full truth.
I really, really, really want to know how many guys she's actually had sex with. And I will tell you, if it is a rather high number like 3-5+, I will fucking be heartbroken once again.
Like I said, i've assumed all along like she's this pure angel and "never" lets guys get to that point. But if she ended up having sex with 5 guys in her life, then I feel like i've just been lied to.
If there is anyone out there with a similar experience with mine. You know, being a virgin but also being with someone who isn't. How did you cope with it?
All advice is super appreciated as I am just so fucking confused and hurt right now. My hands are shaking, and I feel so uneasy. I need to go for walk now...
