Who can relate or help me?

Excuse me for my English if it isn?t right please.

I?m a 20 year old boy from Holland and I have a serious problem. Since two months I?m going to a therapist because I?m overthinking something that makes me really insecure about myself. I?ve always been attracted to woman and couldn?t see myself with a man at all. I?ve never been sexually attracted to men or thought that girls aren?t my type or something. In fact, I?ve been hopeless in love with girls and was very clear about my sexuallity. Until one day I kissed my girlfriend and a vision of me kissing a man popped up in my mind. I just smoked a joint so I thought it was just me being stoned, but I got really scared of that image. From that moment on, I started to doubt my sexuallity. I thought it would pass by, but it got really worse. Like, I started to get sexual feelings about my friends, while never having those. Eventually every man I got in contact with I started asking myself if I was attracted to them and got the feeling I really did. While it?s nonsense if I would be gay that every man is attracting me. But I am still very in love with my girlfriend and have great sex with her. I really see myself eventually marrying her, but I can?t give myself 100% to her knowing I?m doubting my sexuallity.

At a moment I started to talk about it to my girlfriend and it became clear that I was more affraid of being it than really being it. After endless searching I came accross with HOCD (the same reason how i got on this forum). Everything made sense and I am 99% sure that this is what?s wrong with me, because I?m an overthinker to the max. and really insecure. I take a lot of what people say to me very personally and seriously. But like what?s OCD all about: I can?t let it be and keep saying to myself ?but what if?..? Nothing confirms something for me.

To be clear, I have experienced this earlier in my youth. I was in love with a girl for the first time. I really tried everything to let her like me. I just acted every way she did and acted like I liked everything she did. At one day, I met her aunt who was lesbian. At the way I acted, she assumed I would become gay in my puberty. After she told that, I asked the girl I liked if she also believed in that. She just asked:? but don?t you really feel a little bit that way??...
You could imagine the heartbreak if the girl you like asks you that. I was twelve years old at the time. At that moment I became really insecure about myself and had the same OCD symptons. But not big time with the sexual attraction. After a good conversation with my mother it became clear there was nothing to worry about and I just let it pass away. But now I realise I?ve always been checking myself if I?m not doing, saying or acting gay. I wasn?t just realising it. Until now, eight years later. It?s making me really mad and to be fair I?m really depressed and everyday I ask myself if I want to live with this constantly doubting myself..

It?s really much, I understand. But everyday I?m struggeling with myself and I just want to know if there?s anyone who can help me with this or can relate to this or knows how to help me!
To be clear: I don?t think I am avoiding acceptation. It just doesn?t feel right and doesn?t feel like me!

Please help me!

Hey man, I'll start with this. Your English seems pretty good haha. Don't worry about that.

Anyway, let's dive into the matter. I can't say I relate to your story but I'll try to elaborate on a few things. A little bit about myself, I'm 24, I have a Bachelor's and Masters in Accounting. I'm 1/4th of a certified public accountant, an aspiring Ph.D. student (Yes, I'm going to pursue a doctoral program in Accounting, I have been accepted to a program), an overthinker and I'm gay. I honestly didn't know about HOCD until you mentioned it in your post and I had to look it up. Having done some reading on that, it's true, you could very well just be suffering from HOCD. I am an overthinker myself, so I can only imagine what it would be like for you to overthink your sexuality. Keeping this in mind, I wouldn't ask you to suppress these emotions right away. If there's anything I've learned from my experience of 24 years in life, my friends' experiences, and reading posts on here, it's that suppressing any sort of emotion never works. I'm assuming that this is why you've been seeing a therapist, so that's a good thing. You mention that you had an experience where someone assumed you were going to be gay when you were 12. This would explain why you have HOCD. It could just be that this childhood memory is just rooted in your mind and you just have to work your way through it.

On the other hand, IF and I say IF you were gay.
One, it is honestly not for somebody else to determine whether you are straight or gay or what your sexuality is, so I would at least start by not paying attention to what a friend's lesbian aunt or your parents have to say. Although some of these people might mean well, it is ultimately you who knows/will know the real truth.

Two, it wouldn't be the end of the world. There exists a lot of stigma about the LGBTQ+ community and I'm not trying to convert you haha. But more than half of those impressions about the community are wrong and you would realize that there are many supportive people who just want to live their life, loving who they please. I can understand the fear of admitting to yourself this change, and I'm not saying I believe you are gay. That isn't for me to decide either. But IF you are, do not hesitate to live your truth. (However, this is a bridge you can cross IF and when you get to it, so don't worry about this at the moment.)

Three, consider this possibility. You say you love your girlfriend and that you have been very clear about your sexuality so far but for some reason, you have been questioning yourself recently. Have you ever considered you could just be bisexual? Some people go on liking women and men both, and they end up living full lives without any regrets. It could just be that you might be one of those people. Bisexuality is more common than you would think it is.

You make a pretty good point that you seem to be more afraid of being gay than actually being gay. The fact that you use the phrase "I was more affraid of being it than really being it" speaks a lot about your fear of being gay. Trust me, I went through a long time living in denial myself. There is nothing for you to worry about. Whether you are straight, gay, or bisexual these are just tags and these won't define what you do with your life. Nobody's going to say "Oh, remember that one straight guy?" or "Remember that one gay guy?" Nobody in the world talks like that. There are plenty of successful straight people, there are plenty of successful gay people and there are plenty of successful people who live somewhere in between. There is absolutely no reason for you to panic. Don't worry about the outcome because no matter what the outcome is, the people who really love you will support you no matter. Hell, I'm sure they'll celebrate your straightness as well. I will too haha. This is just something you are going through at the moment and it'll be completely alright.

I hope this helps you get to know what lines you are supposed to be thinking on. Trust me, I get no bonus points for converting you to my side haha. There is no such system LOL. I simply mean well and wish to be able to help. Straight, gay, or whatever, I think you have the potential to be an amazing human being and that's all.

If you have any questions/doubts, please feel free to ask me. I know it seems tough, but the only way through this is to work your way through it.