Journal entry #1 - my struggle

Hi group,

This is my story as I see it today... its been a journey.

A quick summary: I recently became aware of a lifetime of abuse I've experienced. Im ADD possibly ADHD, Ive been coping for years with pot (got really sick and stopped), alcohol (really limit myself now), and of course Porn. Right now I have professional help to understand and rebuild how i experience intimacy and also understand who i am. Im married with a 6mo old boy. I dont know if my wife is the right person for me. But we are trying for my little man, deep down i dont think im with the right person but im not sure.

Where do i begin... maybe the beginning... my dad was abusive to me, physically and emotionally. All my life I've never felt good about myself. Ive always felt like a bad person like i wasnt smart, capable of love, and am never able to stand up for myself. If i experience anger towards me, which happens a lot for some reason... i shut down and agree. Im scared of getting hit.

As a result of this trauma, i developed a fetish at a very young age. I never understood it and felt shame associated with it. When I got older around age 16 i learned to cope with porn, pot, sex and drinking. The exposure to porn has done a few things. Its hightened my need for sex, its also exposed me to things im not attracted to but i feel i need to be satisfied. I need more than one time and its gotten so bad that my wife feels used and not loved. For someone who doesnt feel good about himself already the thought that ive made someone im supposed to love the most in the world feel used, was crushing. I couldnt understand what i was doing until i looked within about my past.

Understanding all this about myself and my past I've turned to a reboot to provide some space for understanding of my actual needs, wants and desires. To rebuild a healthy self not just in sex but in my life. From this base i hope to have a clear understanding of me and therefore be able to either work with my wife or move on.

Part of feeling alone and not understanding my sexuality or even myself at age 30... is somewhat freeing but also scary. Im not sure i love my wife, or if its a codependency relationship. She has her own traumas, her own past that i always put before my own needs in life. But I also dont know what my needs are to feel happy. Right now i know what i dont like... one thing going for me is I've found my calling in life. I love growing food and i manage a large farm. Its a lot of hard work but i love it. It does take me away in the summers because its very demanding.

I feel like Im an empty shell... but I'm motivated to change for myself. Also for my boy because NEVER want to repeat history with him. I already know im way more understanding, compassionate, loving and affectionate than my dad could ever be.

Im on day 13 no masturbation or porn. Its going well, but I'm going to have trouble finding healthy ways to cope. Right now i walk. 1-4hours a day. Its really helpful. I listen to podcasts, think, write or just enjoy a sunny day.

Theres more im sure but thats the jist. I hope i can help others in their struggles as i work through my own.

To this outside observer I would say you have a lot of good stuff going on amidst the struggles.  First, i'm sure many of us would be quite pleased to be able to say we love our jobs-i can barely even comprehend that !  Plus, yours is honest, clean rewarding labor which provides a useful product for people.  Second, you have a young son-that is totally cool !  Pretty soon you can have a co-pilot in the tractor cab.  You are also almost ready for the 7th month test-see if the dude can stand up by himself with one arm on the couch!  Nothing like cheap entertainment. 

Brother, please tread very, very slowly when making major decisions concerning your wife.  Your commitment to the reboot will help you see it more and more clearly.  Please give it more time as it hasn't been long enough yet.  Keep up the good fight.     

Brother, be faithful to your wife. Love is a decision and if you treat her like a treasure she will be to you a treasure.

Day 36

The fantasies are really strong these days? How do people try and stop them? Im still managing well but its really tough to focus sometimes and I'm finding it difficult.

Hope everyone is doing well. I appreciate the advice.

Stay strong everyone.

Greenzebra.

Just want to say that you are clearly on a really good path.  You have become aware that you need to grow and change as a human being.  We need to become someone completely new. New beliefs. New thoughts. A new way of being.  YOU are on that path right now going through the process. Just keep it going.
Day 36... of course fantasies are going to jump into your mind and thoughts.  Why wouldn't they?  All those years of becoming fixed on those images... it's just the human brain doing what it does best... Looking for those same chemicals that it's used to.  There are LITERALLY chemicals that are produced in the brain when you O that are the chemicals that create attachment and bonding.  So to O so often to a screen... you have created a bond with the screen.  It will take time to unchain from that... but these moments that you are going through now.. the fantasies.. you are stronger than them. They are just old thought patterns coming back.  Ones that you want to get rid of. Therefore you need to stay strong and let the thoughts pass, whether it be minutes, hours, or days.  The NEW you lies a ways down the road, and you want to be there. So don't stop. Keep going through the challenging parts.  Once you make it through all of these challenging parts, you will have gained a lot of confidence on what you are capable of.

So to answer more concise. It's not about stopping the fantasies. It's about being aware that it's just an old thought pattern that used to RUN YOUR LIFE.  With the awareness, you can take ownership of your actions and not let those old patterns run your life anymore.  You keep battling to create new patterns which will take time.
WORTH IT.
KEEP GOING.
YOU GOT THIS.

Thanks for the encouragement!! Its helpful to just bring it back to chemicals and forget about the other stuff for the time being.

Goodluck to you too!!

Day 39

Still no PMO. Im finding im slipping as of late. My relationship with my wife is very muddled. We are both so angry with eachother. Work is also getting busy now with the season approaching.

Im finding im.able to sleep okay. That was a big challenge in the beginning and even 2 weeks ago. I got really paranoid and couldnt really discern reality from fiction.

My mind is slipping more into fantasy mode. I work markets and it exposes me to lots of people. One girl this week was very flurty and my mind has wandered a bit. Im more thinking about the interaction as a way to develop a healthy relationship. I know right now im unavailable. What i tried to see was if i was single, what would i be emotionally and physically able to do. Emotionally i thought i really dont want a anything with anyone. I do need physical though. So basically i thought if i were to pursue this girl from a place where i was single and healthily, id not be afraid of rejection. I would say i work 6 days a week, would like some company on sunday and enjoy cooking watching tv and should the mood strike something physical. If that doesnt fit her needs then id be okay. Im finding i get caught up in the game trying to find people to be intimate with. Its not a game, its just a matter of finding people who you are attracted to and who you can talk with. And being okay if that changes.

I have a wife and a little boy. And im not single. I also have a other women who has challenged all. The woman who i think i really care about and caused me to question myself. We are not talking its been a week and i feel physical pain when i think about her. I really think she is special but i know i cant do anything.

idea with this market girl boarders fantasy but im using it as an excersize to understand my thinking. My fantasies also include this special girl... those are really difficult to crush. I also think of one or two instances with my wife where i felt sort of excited. I can see how easy it is to get caught up in fiction.

I am wandering a little but i know im playing with a dangerous topic and ive come through okay so far. As long as i can walk, post here and im finding reading other stories are helpful. I think im in a flatline. Its going to take some work to try and shift my thinking and lifestyle again. Just to be able to switch to something easier, if im going to get to 90 days.

Im still thinking my wife and i need some space from eachother but im waiting to talk with my counsellor. Im really not sure we are right for eachother. I know im acting terribly to her because shes processing trauma ive caused, but also her lifetime of trauma... its a very bad mix. When i think about an intimate relationship with her im instantly brought back to anger, sadness, frustration and left feeling unfulfilled.

Ive asked for help from.my wife for years... she says i didnt... But i know i tried so hard to explain, i even showed her the websites like yourbrainonporn... shes making me feel stupid and like i didnt do these things... i know i did. She minimized my struggles... I really dont think theres something all that wrong with how i communicate now. Maybe back then... im finding a lot of the things i ask help with and my goals arnt respected...

Im still not sure whats going to happen but its been a rough coulple days. My erections are back, and im trying to find things to do. It even happened at work, but i think its because its repetitive sometimes and i get board so my mind wanders.
Music and podcasts help...

Heres to 39 days. I can do this!

Day 40 - flat line

Ive set out to do no porn, masturbation or sex for 90days.

Im flatlining and need advice. I cant stop the erections. Its so painful... im trying to curb them by writing.

I asked my wife, in the most healthy way. I felt connected to her, we talked about our relationship and didnt really get anywhere but hit on some big topics for our counsellor. I said im in physical pain and if she feels like she wants to or is healthy to i could use some help.

She said shes not there yet. And im so tired and worried about relapse. I just worked a 330am-430pm day and im wiped. I need sleep and i cant with this constant tingling..

Im.so.tired.

But. I will do my best to stay strong.

Greenzebra.
Hang in there man.  This is taking you a lot of strength, and a lot of willpower.  It's these difficult moments that are building your strength even more.
So you were asking your wife if she could help you ??    You are almost HALFWAY there buddy.  You have come this far.  You will have moments where you are going crazy. But like everything.. it will pass. It will subside.  That halfway mark is just a few days away.  Get there.  Then take your wife for dinner or something nice that is unexpected on day 45 to celebrate your halfway mark.  Bring your wife out and thank her for the support and for being who she is.  Tell her you are going to keep going and continue to become the best version of yourself!  These are all just ideas. I don't mean to tell you what to do.. but I think you are doing great.

Do not give up.  And never go back to P. 

You got this.

Day 45

Last night i woke up mid ejaculation. Anyone had this happen? I was fast asleep. Very weird. Probably like a wet dream or somethin...

I dont think i want to reset my clock as i was asleep... but im not sure what people do or if its normal.

Im embarrassed...

Day 47

Thank you Kenny, Noaswe and jixu for the support!

Its been helpful to share my story here. The rollercoaster of emotional stress is always a struggle.

Trying to change a lifetime of unhealthy attitudes towards sex and women is incredibly difficult. Ive cutout facebook, and instagram. Im getting a counselor to help with the adhd. And im joining a sex and love addiction 12 step progran.

All of this is helping me become a better person and in turn fight ny addiction. Its a struggle... im not sure where my marriage will end up. But wherever it goes i think ill be happy.

Goodluck everyone. Im still staying strong.

Hey everyone,

I have some questions about what happens when our reboot is done.

Im at day 53. Wooo!

The problem im having is how do i reintroduce sex into my life. I want to remain in my relationship and my wife and i are really hesitant starting a physical connection again.

I dont want to feel like were not connecting and i want to feel satisfied. Just wondering if anyone has any insights as to what they went through and any things that helped.

Thanks hope everyone is doing well.

Im not counting days anymore.

Just working on healthy habits and a healthy life.

Its been really tough getting here. Relationship struggles, physical pain fighting withdrawl, so much personal development, lack of sleep... its all for the better. Its all for a better life for myself, my wife and my son.

I need to be present and buy into my life... to make sure i understand my needs... and can express them in a way tht doesnt make others feel bad. I dont do it in purpose... i try and talk about it... i really do try but it becomes so tough when im met with anger. Im just acting like me and im not sure what the right thing is to do but im just expressing myself...

Im okay with being me... i bought a gratitude journal to help reinforce that idea. I need to focus on my strengths and not crumple when I'm met with a fault.

Im a good person... what i do comes from a good place. Im just a little blinded by the addiction right now. I have to keep fighting and working on myself!

YES!  Love seeing this progress man.  You are battling yourself which is normal.  The internal voice that has been built up for so many years is still yelling at you to go back to doing what you used to do. Your brain is still trying to receive those same dopamine rushes and chemicals.  It will of course take lot's of time to re-wire, but you are on such an awesome path right now. Stick to it.  You are becoming a new version of yourself, and that means getting uncomfortable and going through some crazy thoughts and pain (trying to bring you back to the old you)  Keep going towards the new you, and do not look back.  YOU got this!

Stick to it!

I?ve seen a few people say they are no longer counting days. I agree with this approach but only if you start counting active measures you are doing to get over your addiction. I think those are much more useful. For example, if you go for a walk instead of sitting at the computer aimlessly, that is a solid action towards avoiding relapse. Count those every day for sure, pay less attention to the specific day count Without pornography. I think you can count months so you get an idea of your neurological progress, but taking the emphasis off of the Day accounting is helpful if you replace it with recording specific actions you are doing to avoid pornography.

Thanks for the advice. Thats a really helpful strategy.

Its been a while, still sticking with my goals.

Ive noticed a lot about my triggers and started to map my negative thought patterns.

I feel sad because of something someone says, i internalize it, feel bad about myself and then act out. I become distant with my partner i dont focus on my health and i suffer.

Its been 67 days hardmode. Ive been focusing on my gratitide and just being okay with being myself. Everyday i grow more confident and more happy and focused on my own goals.

I'm still fighting though and i still struggle but the biophyisical responses are lessening and its awesome. Im finding it helpful to distance myself from my wife.

Still going strong.

Been in counseling for myself, going to slaa to help with some of the awkwardness and to keep honest about my feelings.

Overall doing well. Just have to keep up with my coping strategies.

Im up to around 76 days now.

Lots has happened in this time. 2 weeks until im at 90 days.

Biophysically: stress, anxiety, depression and erections have really lessened. Im sort of leveling off. When im tired i still wake up with erections but it goes away if i get up and do somsthing. Adhd is still there, but im learning to manage it better now at work and home. Im still waiting for a psyc eval and maybe getting some medication to help with sleep, and or afhd.

Metal health: journaling, and keeping a day planner that incorportates aspects of gratitute and organising my goals really has helped my negative self thoughts. Im finding im more confident, focused and able to manage my emotions better.
- when i slip into a fantasy i ask myself what am i feeling right now. Often times its sad, or tired. This helps keeping grounded and fight the urges.
- counseling has been a key component as well. Its helping me gain confidence to talk to my wife about our relationship and explain why im not happy.
- i am feeling like a different person mentally. There is a lot of happyness and motivation associated with feeling like im in control most of the time.

Relationship: as stated before my wife and i were not and are still not well. Through fighting this addiction im realizing im not attracted to her in the ways i need to be to be in love. Its sad... we both struggle with mental.health but ive found im blamed and responsible for her happyness which shouldnt be the case. Were deciding to seperate in the short term. Hopefully the space will.help us gain a better picture of our relationship as both of us right now are very unhappy. I see this as nothing but progress and we will both be better from it. Its sad but we cant keep being unfulfilled in our lives.

Its scary thinking about living on my own and fighting my addiction... but i think ive got the support and hopefully the stability to keep strong and fight. Its going to be a rough couple weeks until i move to my new place and get settled.

Either way glad im here and im so glad ive gone through this! Heres to 76 days.

Hi GZ!  Hope you are doing okay-looks like you are really dealing with a lot at once.  Take care friend.