New Here. Nothing to Lose.

Hey, all. I've got an addiction-prone personality. And I've acknowledged to myself for a while that my use of electronic media--especially erotica--borders on addiction. And in the case of the erotic stuff, full well crosses over into addiction. I've realized it with the intermittent erectile dysfunction problems I've had over the years. My ED will come and go, but always seems to crop up whenever I delve into porn.

That's not all---porn is making me sick mentally and emotionally, too. More recently I've gotten into major time-suckers such as writing pornographic stories on websites like Lushstories; or dirty-chatting in Discord chats, "role-playing" with other dudes and mutually fapping to photos of girls we know in real life. The other night I caught myself secretly snapping pics of a girl I knew at a house party, so that I could use the photos later in circle-jerks with other Discord pervs. Hopefully, no one caught me. Hopefully. In any case, I knew in that instant that I am really losing control. And I'm frightened to see where this will lead.

I first read about "no fap" and "reboot" almost four years ago. And I've tried dozens of times over these last four years to go through a no-fap path to recovery on my own. And failed every single time. So tonight I join Reboot Nation, in hopes that maybe here I will find the support I need to help me do what I know in my heart I need to do, and turn off the porn and fapping for good.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hello mate!
Sounds like youve been into some pretty creepy shit! mutual fapping? Gotta say Ive never tried that!
I think this forum will definately help you quit, it did for me and many others. Making a habit of journaling your experience is also very therapeutic.
How about this:
Make a list of all the things porn has fucked up in your life, the fucked up shit it has made you do and any weird changes its had on you (mutual fapping, etc...)
Then make another list of all the things you can see improving in your life as a result of quitting porn. Increased confidence, energy, no ED, etc...
Take a look at other users journals, ask a lot of questions, do some journaling of your own. This place is where youll kick this filthy habit once and for all!
 

Sentimental_geek

Active Member
Sounds like you have really struggled with it all for a while. But its good that you have been trying over the last few years, even if its not been successful yet. You have been making the effort and that's the most important thing.
 
Welp, I type this today with five days of no-fap under my belt. I first joined this site a few weeks ago, so... you do the math. Yes, I?ve had a few fits and starts, but now I?m getting with the program in earnest and intend to stick with it this time.

I?m a writer-editor, and so I?m in front of a computer quite a lot. Much of that is at home, alone, since my day job gives me two whole telework days a week. And because I also do some freelance-writing projects some evenings each week to pay off a few longstanding bills. My job situation is quite secure, but it unfortunately leaves me open for long spans of time to temptation. When I?m in front of my laptop and feel bored with the work, I can all too easily wander around the Web for other stuff that?s, shall we say, not boring. Need to be vigilant about that.

I keep my own daily journal, in addition to this one, and have begun practicing daily meditations. All exercises aimed at developing self-awareness. And at this early point in my recovery, I?m aiming to bring this enhanced self-awareness to everything. Especially to whatever I?m doing when I?m the computer.

What do I mean by that? I mean learning to be aware at all times of when I am online and why I am. I?ll log into my laptop or phone only with a specific purpose in mind?i.e., pay a bill, do some work, research something in particular, watch a certain (and non-triggering) movie on Netflix, etc. And NOT just mindlessly log on and wander the webs. I know that aimless Web wandering is inevitably going to lead me straight to porn.
 

Sentimental_geek

Active Member
SkazkiDreamin82 said:
I keep my own daily journal, in addition to this one, and have begun practicing daily meditations. All exercises aimed at developing self-awareness. And at this early point in my recovery, I?m aiming to bring this enhanced self-awareness to everything. Especially to whatever I?m doing when I?m the computer.

What do I mean by that? I mean learning to be aware at all times of when I am online and why I am. I?ll log into my laptop or phone only with a specific purpose in mind

Awareness is key in all this. More so than anything i'd say, even length of streaks. Being aware of situations, triggers, excuses, rationalisations etc is very important. Meditation can be a huge help, as is honesty and self forgiveness.

Have you tried any porn blocking software? I use Open DNS family filter which you can put on your router and conveniently forget the password. I also have a domain blocker on my operating system so I can block anything that slips trough and I activate safe search on search engines. It does not necessarily stop the impulse but it does give you the time to be aware of what you are doing in the moment.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Sentimental Geek has got it.
Awareness. Always stay constantly vigilant to triggers in your environment. They can come from anywhere and bit you right in the arse.
Regard everything you encounter in the initial stages of your reboot as a potential trigger. If you can recognize it as not being a trigger then it's ok. Be aware of everything at first because you never know if it might materialize into a trigger for PMO
 
seven days on the wagon so far. I'm hanging in there, but the cravings came on strong a few times the last two days. My brain is starting to really miss the porn. I'm working through the cravings when the arise. Sometimes by writing in my personal journal--I'm religious about that journal, at least one entry every single day.

And sometimes I'll just take a moment to unplug from the computer and do something else. Maybe just stepping outside and taking a quick 15-minute walk. A little fresh air and healthy physical activity can be just what I need in some of those moments to reorient myself.

Or like earlier tonight, while going to bed, instead of turning on Netflix, I actually picked up a book and read it. I write for a living, so you might think I'm an avid book reader, but the truth is that I've had so little time and energy left over the last couple of years for actual quality reading. With cutting porn out of my life, and suddenly having more time and energy to burn, though, I think I can start to catch up.
 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
Hi friend. I like literature too. Quitting porn will give you energy and creativity, don't give up. please watch the Gabe Deem's video about the "withdrawal symptoms". It will help you understand what happen to your body and brain when you quit porn. Cheers.
 
11 days strong

Learning foreign languages has been a longtime interest of mine, albeit one that I haven't pursued with anything close to the consistency that effective language learning requires. But this is something else that I think I can change as I go about rebooting. I'm at my laptop this morning with some idle time on my hands. And so I find something useful to do with it: studying Russian. I've been telling myself I'd gain proficiency in Russian for a few years now, and now I just may actually carve out some time each day to make that happen. Since I'm not frittering away hours and hours on dirty videos and chats.

Honestly, I think about those chat rooms and video galleries that I was whiling away hours of my life in just two weeks ago, and at the moment I'm feeling not nostalgia, but revulsion. It's so gross what I was doing with my time, doing to myself, and disgusting to think that I was spending all my time and energy on that crap instead of on things that could have actually given me real satisfaction and excitement. I'll need to remember how I feel at this moment and go forward. Because now I can do better things with my life, and not ever have to feel that way again.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Thats great! Learning languages is a great hobby and one that requires concentration and dilligence - two things that get chucked out the window when being obsessed with porn!
Thats right, you dont ever EVER have to feel that self-loathing that you felt with porn. EVER!
 
It?s 25 days now since I?ve started this, and I haven?t spent one second of that stretch of time on any porn, erotic chat, or any other ?artificial stimuli? of the sort. So that?s something. I have ?tested? myself out by just masturbating (without any visual/auditory aids) twice, most recently last night. And I hope that I haven?t totally killed my progress thus far by doing so. I do intend to refrain from any more self-touching until at least the 90-day mark, if I can.

Last weekend, I was at a party and hanging out with a reasonably attractive woman I?ve been friends with for a while. I offered her a ride home, and we?totally unexpectedly, on my part?decided to make a detour to my place. After we got there, we ended up in bed, and I was definitely attracted to her but yet could not get an erection to save my life. I simply told her it was probably due to my meds (not a total lie, as I?m on Cymbalta and Concerta, and I really do have some suspicions that one or both may be exacerbating my erectile problems). She was totally understanding about that, and we had all the fun we still could have: She grinded her hips on mine for extended sessions, and we gave each other stroking and oral stimulation until we both came more than once. And she wants to see me again?we?ll hang out tonight to watch the election results.

Many guys going through this process say that a partner who helps them ?re-wire? is a great help, and in this really sweet gal, I?ve found one. Of course, re-wiring seems to mean different things to different guys. Some guys may tell me that I went too far with her?they?ll say you mustn?t attempt to have sex during a reboot because it?s a trigger and may make you start fapping again (if I?m totally misunderstanding something here, then my apologies).

Speaking for myself, though?albeit only for myself, since I don?t claim to say what?s true for every other guy on here?this experience with this woman didn?t give me any desire to want to hit the smut again. Just the opposite: It further opened my eyes to just how deeply that stuff has damaged me, and how rebooting is so necessary for me. It?s disheartening to be totally flaccid like I was that night, whether she was understanding or not, and I so earnestly want to do better. That I couldn?t, just further proved to me that I have to see this recovery through. For me, there is just no other option.
 
M

Mblanc92

Guest
Hey buddy, thanks for sharing. I have read that masturbation without artificial stimuli doesn't affect your recovery, so, don't worry about it.

Sex is not bad for your recovery. The only bad thing for your recovery is the "artificial stimuli".

Maybe you're in the so called "flat line". You should read about this and other "withdrawal symptoms". Many of this symptoms last for months, depending of how much your brain have changed because of porn addiction. Welcome to the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. At the end of the road, there is a new life waiting for you.

Greetings from Colombia.

 
Sad to say, I effed up. Again. I talked myself back into the erotic chatrooms and porn sites that I'd sworn off, and spent a few more weeks wandering in the dark and creepy X-rated wilderness.

But, I'm back. I've again decided I'm sick of letting my porn habits continue sucking my life away. And so once again I dropped it all. Took the proactive step of not just logging off Discord chat, but deleting my account altogether. (You would think I would have done that months ago when I signed up here, but of course I didn't. I guess some part of my brain that wasn't ready to let go of that crap prevailed. Not anymore. Now, I'm letting me better senses make some decisions.)

I write this now with *five* days of solid no-fap time under my belt. I'm so frustrated with myself for being back at the beginning, but what can I do, except learn from this latest screw-up and just keep moving forward.

Well, okay, a few things I have learned:


1) Without porn, my sexual problems really do abate, and in fairly short order. I had made it through nearly seven weeks "sober," and I met up with a female friend for drinks and sushi. We ended up going back to her apartment. I anticipated the possibility of this and brought along some Viagra and Yohimbe, and took both during dinner and drinks. An hour later, we were in bed, and I had full penetrative sex. Yes, it was with the aid of both aforementioned medicines, but still...

2) With the porn shut off, I was finding more time and energy to get into things that can actually satisfy me and enable me to truly be present in the world and be better with women. Things like reading books, studying foreign languages, and in general developing myself.

3) At this moment, all isn't lost. I woke up yesterday morning and, as I lay in bed, I got and sustained a very vigorous hard-on. I could have given into the temptation to fap it out. But I chose not to, and instead just lay there aware of it, taking satisfaction in the fact that my gradual recovery is showing signs of its emergence.

4) I really, REALLY don't want to be the creepy loser that I was steadily turning into. I want to be the capable, successful man that I have it in me to be. And that means building a daily program of living in which there is no porn.

That's all I have for now. Let's see if I can finally break the cycle for good this time.
 
Six days strong. [Content advisory: Dealing with some temptations, and I have to describe some things. Sorry about this, but need to get it off my chest.]

Urges to porn/fap came and went over the last 48 hours.  This afternoon at work, in particular. There's a 20something female editorial assistant in my office who's really talkative to most people on the floor but is a totally cold, unfriendly ice-queen toward me. Unfortunately, she's also really attractive. I'm drawn to her and her syrupy-sweet southern drawl voice, and infuriated by how off-putting she is toward me all the time.

And until all too recently, my default response to a situation like this was all too simple: go to the pornographic chat forums and websites after work--or during work, when I'm on my smartphone and confident no one will see me--and indulge in X-rated chat with other pervs about her and the rough, degrading things I want to do to her. Some of these sites involved erotic story writing and role play. And I wasted untold hours over the last two years vividly typing out fantasies with other dudes about girls such as her. More often than not, fantasies involving brutal sex, bondage, gang rape, and twisted stuff like that. It was sick, all of it. And I acknowledge that fully now. 

And yet, here I am, still feeling like it's all the most natural thing in the world to just delve right back into. Thankfully, this time, I am not. I am consciously choosing NOT to keep making myself sick. I'm choosing to look instead for better, healthy things to do with my time and energy. And choosing healthy ways to deal with day-to-day stresses and frustrations--including, in this case, attractive women who will be chatty and chirpy to other guys but won't even say hi to me. I'm choosing to channel whatever annoyances I feel elsewhere. For the moment, channeling it into writing this post. 

I've spent some years ingraining these sick, creepy habits into my daily life and my thoughts. And as I go about recovery, I have to go about the hard work of clearing them all out. And they're sneaky. I am seeing for myself how they'll spring up in any given moment and try to veer me off course. But I mustn't let them. I'm not just not fapping and not viewing porn here: I'm learning new ways to think, to feel, and to live.



 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Hey, bud.  Just keep strong in your recovery.  Changes will happen.  Meanwhile, however, you can always go up and apologize  for anything you might have  done to make her distance herself from you.  Only if you feel comfortable  with that, and for the sake of peace of mind. 

Just stay away from porn and masturbation.

Rich
 
C

changemylife

Guest
Reformed Fapper said:
Hello mate!
Sounds like youve been into some pretty creepy shit! mutual fapping? Gotta say Ive never tried that!
I did. With my cousin. The skeleton is out of the closet.
 
@ChangeMyLife: Huh. Well, I'm definitely not judging, and I'm sure no one else reading this thread is. :) We all know we share the potential to head down some really sick paths... and to change course and reach healthy ones.
 
Anyways, today marks *seven* days I've been free of PM.

I felt the same old triggers this morning, while scrolling through my Facebook feed. A particular female friend whose photos I've fapped to before (and, yes, shared and mutually fapped to with other online pervs before) just posted some new pics. And that same old wiring in my brain said I ought to have some fun with them. This time, my better judgement prevailed, and I simply closed the app and turned to reading some news, after which I went about the rest of my productive, non-PM day.
 
... On a side note, I decided to do something my fapping self customarily wouldn't do: do something nice for my coworkers. While stopping by the pharmacy before work, I went on a lark to the food aisle and bought two bags of delicious chocolate truffles for the office to enjoy ('tis the Season, and all that stuff). My coworkers appreciated them heartily. And that "unfriendly" female coworker whom I was complaining about the other day? She actually said hi and asked me how my day is going. That was a first.

And more important, I felt a good feeling, knowing that I did something that made lots of other folks' day--hers included--a little sweeter. And that's a feeling that no porn or fap session in the world can ever give me.
 
C

changemylife

Guest
SkazkiDreamin82 said:
@ChangeMyLife: Huh. Well, I'm definitely not judging, and I'm sure no one else reading this thread is. :) We all know we share the potential to head down some really sick paths... and to change course and reach healthy ones.
Well, I'm not doing that anymore so I guess this is good.
 
Eight days without a fap. Some fantasies came and went, but I didn't entertain them and just let them pass me by. I'm hanging in there, staying busy, and feeling--for the most part--okay.
 
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