spaceymel said:
I have no idea what to say here but I guess I should just dive in.
Hi, I'm Melyssa and I'm currently married to a porn addict. (I guess that's abbreviated as PA here?) We've been together for about 6 years and although I discovered his addiction years ago it has never stopped. He acts ashamed, sorry for what he's doing, but he never stops. Oh sure he'll say he's going to stop, he'll claim he's getting help, but he never does. He even was in a 12 step program for about 9 months but he lied to them at the same time as lying to me. He's seen about 4 therapists and lied to all of them too. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.
I believe he loves me, and I love him. This time around he has blocked all ways he could access things so that's a start. But what next? How do I recover from the pain and deceit? How do I ever know when or if I can trust him again? I just feel lost and none of my friends believe this is a problem. "Everyone watches porn! Stop being so sensitive!" That's all I ever hear so how do I heal when I have no support?
Hi Melyssa, I'm sorry you're going through this - porn addiction is truly a scourge on humanity. You definitely need support on this. Your friend's attitudes will not help you in any way. It's easy to tell somebody who is hurt to just stop being sensitive, but it's absolutely idiotic advice and doesn't take into account any aspect of what you're experiencing. At least on a forum like this, you will be taken seriously - we've all experienced it in different ways, but there's no doubt that porn addiction is a real thing.
Unfortunately, a large proportion of society has succumbed to the normalisation of porn in our culture. It really does seem like everybody is doing it sometimes. And if you appear to be against that, you will be quickly labelled as anti-sex, anti-freedom, repressed, uptight, over-conservative, and a bunch of other things. But in terms of porn addiction, it really is nothing to do with whether your religious, conservative or not - it's actually a question of mental health and healthy functioning. Overusing porn changes the brain and not for the better. It can make smart people powerless. It can make driven people lose all direction in their life. And worst of all, it can kill love and relationships. So there's no denying that this is a formidable challenge you are facing.
Regular heavy porn use essentially medicates the brain and can become a crutch to help people to manage their mood fluctuations. After a while this can become a dependancy: and addiction, to the degree that the addict feels they need it to get through the day. When they finally realise that porn is bad for them, it can be so deeply embedded in their life that they still can't get away from it because of the symptoms they experience when they give up - that can be depression, anxiety, insomnia. Even in the face of a partner who is visibly distraught at what has happened to the trust in the relationship, they may still lack the self-control to stay away from porn. They will often relapse, and feel very guilty about it, but find ways to justify why they had to do it again just one more time. To the panicked brain, it can feel like a life or death type of feeling.
Having said all that, the addict needs to be given the full story of how the addiction has affected their partner. If a PA is going to quit the habit they should not be spared every ounce of pain the partner has experienced - indeed, this can be the only thing that gets somebody to quit. I think it's perfectly valid to declare that the relationship is on the line unless the addiction is worked on and conquered. Porn addiction tends to make people very selfish and only think about their own needs, so it's important that they are jolted back to reality and how their selfish behaviour affects their partner. So, have at it with everything you feel. Don't try to protect him - he needs to hear it all (and that he might lose you) or you have no chance, given he has already tried therapy and relapsed. I think he's probably a bit complacent that you are going to stick around no matter what. I would advise you to give him an ultimatum on this because he might drag this out indefinitely, and that's not fair on you.
There are a lot of good threads and excellent advice in this section of the forum for partners who have been in your situation. I would suggest you read through them and see if some of it resonates with you. Please keep in mind that none of this is because of anything lacking in you. This addiction started long before you were in his life, and you didn't stand a chance against it. It's not all bleak though. There have been many success stories of addicts giving up permanently and relationships healing - but it takes a lot of work. You will probably find that you need some psychological support yourself at some point. If you go down that route, definitely quiz the therapist first on their attitude towards porn addiction - many psychologists are PA-denyers and are worse than nothing in the effect that can have on victims of porn addicts.
I hope you will feel supported here on the forum and please feel free to visit often and ask questions and get opinions. Feel free to drop me a private message too if there's anything you want to know from a former addict that you don't want to ask on the open forum. Really though - we're all pretty open about everything here, there's no shame in anything you're feeling or confused about. Porn addiction sucks!
Take care, M.
