Easter1916
Member
I pride myself on my mental wellness. I was actually at my most emotionally healthy state when ED hit me. I was meditating, reading self-help books, journaling. I had just completed the 12 Steps of Al-Anon with a sponsor. I was dating a brilliant, beautiful young woman. I loved her and she loved me. Life was awesome.
We were in a long-distance relationship. Sex was great when we were together. When we weren't, I masturbated to online porn videos. I was never an all day, everyday masturbator. I never isolated socially. I never cheated on my girlfriend. I wasn't the guy saying, "Let's go to a strip club". So how could I have problem?
(2010) Then the day came, after two years of living in different states, my girlfriend and I moved in together. Within a month, I developed ED. I was in a state of shock. I was ashamed and deeply embarrassed. I was in denial. I blamed pet allergies. I blamed my hypothyroidism. I took viagra and felt defeated when it didn't give me a lasting erection. I started avoiding sex with my girlfriend. I didn't want to talk about it. She initiated and I declined.
I finally accepted that it was an emotion issue but I still left ashamed. I told no one. I went to a counselor but quit after 4 sessions. I ordered self-help books on ED but I didn't read them. I cut back on porn and was able to have sex here and there. My self-talk was often positive and encouraging. Sex in my mind was a performance. It was either successful or a failure. Struggling with ED made that worse. I forgot about pleasure and emotional connection.
My girlfriend was supportive. We got engaged and got married (2012). I was nervous about having sex on our wedding night, but it went good. I only had ED once during our honeymoon.
After four month of marriage and little sex. She withdrew emotionally. I tried everything to keep her and make her happy. I never went to therapy and I never stopped porn completely. Instead, I stayed up late, waiting for her to go to the bedroom alone so I didn't have to tell her that I couldn't have sex. Once she was asleep, I masturbated to porn on my cellphone. I knew I was only making the situation worse, but after three days with no erection, I felt I needed to know I could still get an erection. I didn't realize how my actions affected her. My self-esteem was down. I started drinking more. I got fired from my job.
(2014) After only two years, she moved out. I cried and cried. My heart was broken. I made a commitment to myself to heal from the divorce. I made a plan to regain my emotional wellness. Sadly, I only gave it a half-hearted effort. Instead, I bought a house and focused my attention on projects. I didn't go to therapy, I read a 1/3 of a divorce self-help book, and went to two meetings of a divorce support group. I continued to masturbate to porn. I realized that online video porn was particularly destructive. I felt my heart race when I typed sexual words in the search bar.
I cutback on video porn but never quit. I used magazines. Or I would only look at images but not videos. That led to gifs and back to videos. I became aware that my brain felt different after online porn. I felt zapped.
I read a little of the ED book. I learned that a performance mindset is problematic. They recommended focusing on pleasure. They also said that expecting sex to be amazing every time is unrealistic.
(2016) I started dating again. I was anxious about sex. I struggled to switch my mindset from performance to pleasure. Sex was okay. It is hard to have an emotional connect when in your mind you're thinking, "You can do it, don't lose it. What will you say if you lose it. She'll know and ask what happened."
(2017) I started being haunted by visualizations of a bent penis. This freaked me out and got me into a therapist's office. I told him everything. I told him that my favorite porn was the coercive casting couch. He suggested I stop masturbating completely. It worked. I stopped going to therapy after only 5 sessions.
(2018) After a few weeks of successful sex and no more haunting visuals. I return to porn with magazines. I started following a lot of beautiful woman and risque instagram pages. I developed a craving for adult humor memes.
(2019) This week, my ED has returned. I feel dead below the waist. Yesterday, I unfollowed those instagram pages. Today, I am writing this post.
All the best to everyone.
We were in a long-distance relationship. Sex was great when we were together. When we weren't, I masturbated to online porn videos. I was never an all day, everyday masturbator. I never isolated socially. I never cheated on my girlfriend. I wasn't the guy saying, "Let's go to a strip club". So how could I have problem?
(2010) Then the day came, after two years of living in different states, my girlfriend and I moved in together. Within a month, I developed ED. I was in a state of shock. I was ashamed and deeply embarrassed. I was in denial. I blamed pet allergies. I blamed my hypothyroidism. I took viagra and felt defeated when it didn't give me a lasting erection. I started avoiding sex with my girlfriend. I didn't want to talk about it. She initiated and I declined.
I finally accepted that it was an emotion issue but I still left ashamed. I told no one. I went to a counselor but quit after 4 sessions. I ordered self-help books on ED but I didn't read them. I cut back on porn and was able to have sex here and there. My self-talk was often positive and encouraging. Sex in my mind was a performance. It was either successful or a failure. Struggling with ED made that worse. I forgot about pleasure and emotional connection.
My girlfriend was supportive. We got engaged and got married (2012). I was nervous about having sex on our wedding night, but it went good. I only had ED once during our honeymoon.
After four month of marriage and little sex. She withdrew emotionally. I tried everything to keep her and make her happy. I never went to therapy and I never stopped porn completely. Instead, I stayed up late, waiting for her to go to the bedroom alone so I didn't have to tell her that I couldn't have sex. Once she was asleep, I masturbated to porn on my cellphone. I knew I was only making the situation worse, but after three days with no erection, I felt I needed to know I could still get an erection. I didn't realize how my actions affected her. My self-esteem was down. I started drinking more. I got fired from my job.
(2014) After only two years, she moved out. I cried and cried. My heart was broken. I made a commitment to myself to heal from the divorce. I made a plan to regain my emotional wellness. Sadly, I only gave it a half-hearted effort. Instead, I bought a house and focused my attention on projects. I didn't go to therapy, I read a 1/3 of a divorce self-help book, and went to two meetings of a divorce support group. I continued to masturbate to porn. I realized that online video porn was particularly destructive. I felt my heart race when I typed sexual words in the search bar.
I cutback on video porn but never quit. I used magazines. Or I would only look at images but not videos. That led to gifs and back to videos. I became aware that my brain felt different after online porn. I felt zapped.
I read a little of the ED book. I learned that a performance mindset is problematic. They recommended focusing on pleasure. They also said that expecting sex to be amazing every time is unrealistic.
(2016) I started dating again. I was anxious about sex. I struggled to switch my mindset from performance to pleasure. Sex was okay. It is hard to have an emotional connect when in your mind you're thinking, "You can do it, don't lose it. What will you say if you lose it. She'll know and ask what happened."
(2017) I started being haunted by visualizations of a bent penis. This freaked me out and got me into a therapist's office. I told him everything. I told him that my favorite porn was the coercive casting couch. He suggested I stop masturbating completely. It worked. I stopped going to therapy after only 5 sessions.
(2018) After a few weeks of successful sex and no more haunting visuals. I return to porn with magazines. I started following a lot of beautiful woman and risque instagram pages. I developed a craving for adult humor memes.
(2019) This week, my ED has returned. I feel dead below the waist. Yesterday, I unfollowed those instagram pages. Today, I am writing this post.
All the best to everyone.