Solitarycanary
New Member
I'm not going to tell the whole story, but he was addicted to ip, craigslist, and had always had problems with infidelity and objectifying women. I found out when I was pregnant. The thing that didn't add up was that we had frequent amazing sex. But I had caught him soliciting on CL, found an ad he posted in the personals when I was out of town. Looking to trade pics and talk online. I was very hurt. My first plan was that if he enjoyed responding to ads or watching p, or connecting on dating sites, I wanted to be involved and I wanted him to represent us as a couple. I thought it was harmless, and if I knew about, it could be something that added to our sex life. For awhile it was fun. But it backfired. I accidentally found an email he left open on his phone where he attempted to solicit a prostitute on his lunch break. That was his rock bottom. He went to therapy and learned about his personal issues that compelled him to do this.
So our recovery plan was no more p. Step one for me was understanding his addiction had NOTHING to do with me. This is important for the wives to know. My husband assured me it had NOTHING to do with me. He told me it was his problem. He placed no blame on me. This gave me the position of being someone who could help, instead of feeling like i was the problem. From day 1 (this is very important) I NEVER judged him, never criticized or belittled him (I had angry words and threats in the beginning) but in recovery, I put my feelings on hold so as not to trigger a relapse. I had to ease him into being in an emotional relationship. Just because we had always had great sex, we didn't have emotional intimacy. So he didn't feel guilt engaging on the internet. Instead of trapping him in endless discussions on how it made me feel, i tried to help him learn how to communicate his feelings and made him feel safe doing so. We abstained from sex and m during this period. I did this with him. When we had finally made an emotional connection, and it was time to resume sex, we made a pact: if he felt the urge to look at p, he was to come talk to me about it. By taking time out, and telling me, he was able to identify the triggers. We resumed sex, but abstained from m. And I made a promise: that if he felt the urge to m, come to me and I will not reject him. I would handle his needs. And if I was busy, he would have to wait, and learn that he doesn't have to act on the impulse immediately. The last thing was that he surrender his passwords to me for his email and FB and a key logger was installed, in the event I wanted to check. Just for my peace of mind. I didn't check every day. But I knew I could if I had to. And he knew I could too.
It was a tough year. I had to stay very strong. I was paranoid and afraid that he would relapse. And he did. But I reminded myself he was breaking a life long habit, and he was only human and we worked through it.
It's been a little over a year. He has fully recovered.
These tactics have saved our marriage.
In fact, we have such a tight bond of intimacy, neither of us m. We handle eachothers needs. We have conditioned our brains to be turned on by thinking of being together. People are so sexually liberated now, and somehow our society has become proud to admit to watching porn and m frequently, like it's something to be proud of. Especially women. But the reality is, m is a lonely act. It's healthy to explore when you are young and not ready for an intimate relationship, but m in the confines of marriage really does cause distance. Peoples excuse "what if my partner is unavailable?" Wait until she becomes available. Every impulse doesn't need to be acted on. Unless it's an emergency. In case of emergencies, he has videos of us and pics of me on his phone. But he says he rarely uses them. He would rather wait. If women could make time (5 minutes!) to respond to their husbands needs even when they aren't in the mood, and have the confidence to approach their husband when they their needs arise, I swear it makes your sex life very intense, and prolific. After 4 years, we are still attracted to eachother and have intimacy.
I hope this advice helps someone. I know the pain of living with this. When a woman knows you are choosing to m over having sex with her, we process it as rejection. In order to protect ourselves from this rejection, we make ourselves unavailable. Which prompts the man to seek p and m. It's a visious cycle. Break the cycle.
So our recovery plan was no more p. Step one for me was understanding his addiction had NOTHING to do with me. This is important for the wives to know. My husband assured me it had NOTHING to do with me. He told me it was his problem. He placed no blame on me. This gave me the position of being someone who could help, instead of feeling like i was the problem. From day 1 (this is very important) I NEVER judged him, never criticized or belittled him (I had angry words and threats in the beginning) but in recovery, I put my feelings on hold so as not to trigger a relapse. I had to ease him into being in an emotional relationship. Just because we had always had great sex, we didn't have emotional intimacy. So he didn't feel guilt engaging on the internet. Instead of trapping him in endless discussions on how it made me feel, i tried to help him learn how to communicate his feelings and made him feel safe doing so. We abstained from sex and m during this period. I did this with him. When we had finally made an emotional connection, and it was time to resume sex, we made a pact: if he felt the urge to look at p, he was to come talk to me about it. By taking time out, and telling me, he was able to identify the triggers. We resumed sex, but abstained from m. And I made a promise: that if he felt the urge to m, come to me and I will not reject him. I would handle his needs. And if I was busy, he would have to wait, and learn that he doesn't have to act on the impulse immediately. The last thing was that he surrender his passwords to me for his email and FB and a key logger was installed, in the event I wanted to check. Just for my peace of mind. I didn't check every day. But I knew I could if I had to. And he knew I could too.
It was a tough year. I had to stay very strong. I was paranoid and afraid that he would relapse. And he did. But I reminded myself he was breaking a life long habit, and he was only human and we worked through it.
It's been a little over a year. He has fully recovered.
These tactics have saved our marriage.
In fact, we have such a tight bond of intimacy, neither of us m. We handle eachothers needs. We have conditioned our brains to be turned on by thinking of being together. People are so sexually liberated now, and somehow our society has become proud to admit to watching porn and m frequently, like it's something to be proud of. Especially women. But the reality is, m is a lonely act. It's healthy to explore when you are young and not ready for an intimate relationship, but m in the confines of marriage really does cause distance. Peoples excuse "what if my partner is unavailable?" Wait until she becomes available. Every impulse doesn't need to be acted on. Unless it's an emergency. In case of emergencies, he has videos of us and pics of me on his phone. But he says he rarely uses them. He would rather wait. If women could make time (5 minutes!) to respond to their husbands needs even when they aren't in the mood, and have the confidence to approach their husband when they their needs arise, I swear it makes your sex life very intense, and prolific. After 4 years, we are still attracted to eachother and have intimacy.
I hope this advice helps someone. I know the pain of living with this. When a woman knows you are choosing to m over having sex with her, we process it as rejection. In order to protect ourselves from this rejection, we make ourselves unavailable. Which prompts the man to seek p and m. It's a visious cycle. Break the cycle.
