Devil = sins = Porn-->Transexuals & Alcohol-->...Self Destruct

lenoxave5

New Member
Hello everyone, Im new to this forum and have a lot of things that I need to get off of my chest

Here's my story:

I really wish I never started watching pornography. Pornography has lead me to a dark place that I thought that I would never be. I've done a lot of stuff Im not proud of, but the addiction is just too powerful. Im 30 years and have been watching pornography and masturbating since the age of  13. From that point the longest amount of time that I have went without P&M is approxiametly one month. Only because I was in a third world country where I could not access the internet. As far as females go throughout middle school and high school, I didn?t have a problem with females. I had a lot of girlfriends, and female friends. This all changed for me when I started attending college in Washington DC.

One day as I was driving home from campus I saw a young women walking down a busy street half naked. I pulled over, signaled her over and couldn?t believe that I could pay a women for sex. No phone conversations, dates, picking her brain etc. All I had to do was give her some cash ( which I got from parents) and she would do anything sexually that I desired. I dropped out of college shortly after (still haven?t finished). And while I was indulging in this behavior I was in relationship. So If I wasn?t with my girlfriend then I was watching pornography. If I wasn?t  watching pornography then was driving around the city looking for prostitutes. I wanted live out the sexual acts that I watched in the films.

There where nights where I would leave my house at 11pm and return home at 7am. I would spend 8 hours looking for hookers. This was the biggest joy in my life at the time. So many women on the streets to choose from, black, white spanish, big, skinny, tall there where just so much variety just like in the movies. Some nights I would have sex with about 2-3 prostitutes. But still this did not fill my appetite!!!  when I returned home from a long night of cruising and sex. I would still have to watch another porno movie and masturbate before I could go to sleep. Then when I woke up repeat the cycle. I understand a drug addicts addiction because no matter what you experience you will still need that "high". I have been robbed at gunpoint on the streets , Ive been arrested for soliciting all because of this. Then the  movies I began to watch started to escalate, i ventured into different genres, I began to transexual pornography. Then the next thing you know I began looking for transexual prostitutes, I found out the ?strip? they where located and began having sex with transexuals.

My confidence level declined, no energy, I felt very awkward in social settings. I had feelings of shame and filth. I could no longer talk and conversate to females. My charisma that I once had was gone, all that was left was a zombie emotionless person. I figured Why try to charm a female, and turn her on with words when I can just pay a female for sex??? My friends liked to go out(clubs, parties, networking events) and to help fight the war that was going on inside of me I started to drink. This was the only way for me to function, and feel comfortable in my own shoes in a social setting . This has lead to a lot of pain!! There have been so many mornings I woke up not knowing what happened the night before. I have humiliated myself so many times!! Passed out and had to be carried to my vehicle. Thank God I haven't killed anybody on the road driving drunk. So now 40% of my day is spent at home in front of a computer watching porn and masturbating. The other 30% riding around looking for hookers & transexuals. and the other 30% with my girlfriend, or getting drunk in a social setting somewhere in America.

Then came an introduction to craigslist and back page. You would think this would lead to me spending less time cruising for hookers??? No way! That adrenaline rush that I got when I would see a women half naked walking down the street was something that craigslist/backpage couldn?t replace. I felt like a hunter that found his prey!All those sites did was give me access to pornstars/ transexuals/ and prostitutes that where in other cities, and non street walking prostitutes. Sometimes I would drive 7-8 hours to South Carolina just to spend one hour with a prostitute. There?s been times where I have driving 4 hours New York, have sex with a hooker for 30 minutes then driven another 4 hours back home. I once flew in a BBW pornstar in from LA! I picked her up at the airport at 8am, had sex with her by 10am. Then dropped her back off at the airport at 3pm. Total I've spent 40k + on prostitutes. Now guess what??? Im starting to watch and masturbate to a little bit of gay porn, because tranny and straight porn doesn't excite me anymore . I must leave this life alone or I?ll probably be better off dead, I cannot continue living like this. Im 30 years old and have done nothing of any significance with my life, other then have sex with a lot of prostitutes.

Some of the changes I?ve notice is that I can no longer concentrate and complete tasks. Im totally anti-social, I spend most of my time on the computer instead of out enjoying life. I pay for sex!! SMH, my friends have women giving them sex for free. I have so much anxiety in social settings that I need a lot of alcohol to help combat it. And all that does is lead to more problems( I just got a DUI).  All my money goes to prostitutes, and bills, I don?t even have decent clothes to wear. I won't buy myself decent clothes but will spend 200-1k on a prostitute easily. And Im living a double life...I have a girlfriend who knows nothing about this other lifestyle I'm living. She's a beautiful person but I'm no longer attracted to her anymore the only thing that turns me on are prostitutes and porn. Even as I write this essay I?m tempted to log onto a transexual website and masturbate, then grab my keys and go cruise for prostitutes. I can?t go on like this, I rather die then continue living like this. But I just cannot stop. Please HELP me before I completely SELF DESTRUCT!! Porn is the devil, I can't believe that it has gone from porn---> Prostitutes---->Transexuals & Alcohol----> Possibly homosexuality ( no disrespect to anybody that is). I feel worthless, I don't deserve to live! I've done nothing good @ all in this life other then these sins.
 
S

ssoac

Guest
Hi lenoxave5

I know this is a porn addiction forum, but I would really suggest you take care of the alcohol dependency first.
Otherwise all your noble intentions will vanish, once you booze up.

I've been there with alcohol, now I'm here with porn.

It's hard breaking either of those. Really hard, and unpleasant and overwhelming at times.
But it's not impossible, once you want it.

Don't beat yourself up. Those are powerful addictions.
Keep reading and posting in the forums, you're among friends here.
 

stangles

Member
I am Not an expert at all but I think you have issues on top of porn addiction. I'm sure quitting porn will help but you might have to work on other things too to fix your life.
 

Bibbity

Active Member
Have you considered getting a therapist who deal with sex addiction?  I would strongly advise you to go see one TODAY.  Not tomorrow or next week.  NOW.  This is killing you slowly and you are worth so much more than this.  You are chasing something that you will never ever find on the streets or on the computer.  You are craving real intimacy with a woman or with a human in general.  I bet no one knows the real you inside.  The one in pain, the one who hates themselves.  You are worth it and we are here for you.  Go see a therapist, give it 2-3 sessions just to see if it helps.  You are worth that much.
 
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