Tough question for husbands(maybe a little offensive)

When I make a big decision I always try to think of how it will impact others. If I know that my choice will cause serious emotional or psychological damage to a loved one then I would never choose to act on such a choice. I'm looking for ansewers on how this addiction can make someone justify their actions when they know they are damaging others. Please don't be offended by this. I'm just looking for examples  of the thought process and what you have done or experienced that made a big change to you. I have been in a lot of pain over this addiction and I'm trying to get some understanding and some hope for a better future.

I am not married, but I had two SO's who were directly affected by me using porn. They both knew I used.

To answer your question, I didn't realize or maybe ignored I caused them harm. I had bad ED with both of them, and I thought that it was my problem and not theirs. I was not aware, that this reflected back on them and their self-worth or that they might be really hurt by me looking at pictures or videos of legions of women. Both women told me that btw - but I put it aside, didn't think it was that big of deal (after all, porn is not real live women or cheating - is what I thought).

On top of that, the desensitization from porn negatively affected my feelings and I did not give my best in the relationships, since I diluted and weakened my libido and also my love with porn. My numbness sure hurt them as well.

In short, I was selfish and ignorant.

In hindsight, it was stupid. I started trying to change, once I learned about the negative effects of porn and especially reading the accounts of reboot partners, which made me understand their side a little bit better. But that also came slowly. I started to reboot to help with my P.I.ED and even then it took a few more months for me to realize, that this does not affect me alone (besides from the obvious not being able to have sex).

In the beginning of my reboot, my partner said she hears what I am saying about P.I.ED, but deep down inside her she can't stop thinking she is the issue herself. That she is not attractive and that is the reason, why I don't get turned on by her. And she can't make that nagging voice stop, even though I keep telling her differently. She even said, she wants to try and work on herself, so that she looks like pornstar, so I start to get turned on by her....

She also says, she will very likely leave me if I go back to using porn. I believe her.

I think it's important to not judge men based on how you, as a woman, would do things.  Our brains work a little bit differently in that both hemispheres can communicate with each other simultaneously.  This means that you can access your intuition and feelings faster to arrive at a decision.  A man on the other hand has a compartmentalized brain which means that they become lazer focused on one task.  This can make it harder to access intuition and feelings when making a decision.  When it comes to sex that lazer focus is even more pronounced.  Now on top of this you are dealing with an addicted brain so the brain will relentlessly keep the focus on the "drug" no matter what.  Essentially his lazer focus is on porn which crowds all the other stuff out, like rational thoughts, feelings or forethought.

Thanks for the ansewers. I guess I'm realy looking for what sort of things brought about a change of perspective. Like an emotional success story. There is so much disconnection involved and I feel like I need a way to fight it or I might loose hope.

Just plain getting rid of PMO for as long as possible.  It might take a year and it might take two.

Rainiegirl said:

When I make a big decision I always try to think of how it will impact others. If I know that my choice will cause serious emotional or psychological damage to a loved one then I would never choose to act on such a choice. I'm looking for ansewers on how this addiction can make someone justify their actions when they know they are damaging others. Please don't be offended by this. I'm just looking for examples  of the thought process and what you have done or experienced that made a big change to you. I have been in a lot of pain over this addiction and I'm trying to get some understanding and some hope for a better future.

Click to expand...

I'm a husband. I'm 40, and been doing the PMO routine for about 25 years.
I'm not justifying it.. I was never aware of the severity of it. Seemed like an innocent and enjoyable way to blow off some steam.
Never realizing *at all* any of the effects it had on me and people around me.
You know, "the greatest trick that Satan ever pulled was to convince the world he never existed"

There's also another great saying though - "When the student is ready - the lesson emerges".
One day it just hit me. And I realized.
I realized how potent my addiction is, and I targeted it, and aimed to destroy it.
By sheer willpower at first, and when it was depleted - by best effort. So far its working.

And to get back at your question - to know about it and to justify it - I think its not the person speaking.
Its the addiction speaking. And the person doesn't really see the addiction yet.
You can only try to make him see, but.. i'm sad to say I'm not aware of any recipe to that effect.

Do not despair. And when you do - keep moving.

my best,

You are coming from a good intention but you have one of the common logical biases that most loving and caring people like you have.

They assume that because they are aware of how their choices impact others that other people must be aware of that too.

Women tend to have more awareness of how their decisions impact other people than men.

I can see from your post that you are kinda sad because you are not sure how to help your loved one. The best thing you can do is give him the environment (caring, understanding, love, compassion) and hope that they make a good choice. You can't make that choice for him. He has to realize that on his own. You can help him realize that and make that choice, but you can't do it for him.

There is another sister forum to this one: yourbrainreblanced.com there is a women section there where wives and girlfriends share their experiences in helping themselves and/or their partner overcome porn addiction.

Hope that helps.

Ever see someone addicted to heroin? In many instances kids and up stealing from their families to support the addiction. Kids who before their addiction were honor students who'd never been in trouble before. They steal, break things, and can get to the point where they kill if that's what they have to do to get their fix.

That is what addicts do. I am not saying that porn is heroin, but if it is an addiction, the addict will ignore everything else to get his fix. You ask how one can act in a manner he knows will hurt someone. Most likely he is not thinking about anything other than his fix.

His problem affects you, but it's not about you. It's not your fault either. He's an addict.

I jumped into this question and actually started reading some of the replies, not like a man right?   But I am speechless and see the futility of trying to add anything constructive so I will just fade away.  But do want to say how sorry I am for your pain that's been caused by this addiction.

Rain,

I have only recently had the epiphany on what my PMOing had cost both myself and my wife.  It reached up and touched me like o... let's say a sledge hammer.  It was just after my PMO sessions some 4 days ago... That's when I started to look for some help and relief from this... It never dawned on me before then the affects it had on my wife.  I am not justifying my behavior, I am genuinely ashamed of it and I will make it right....I will spend the rest of my life making it up to my wife. 

I sincerely hope your SO will meet the sledge hammer that found me and start his own road to recovery soon Rain.  Be patient, and be as supportive as you can to help guide him to recovery on his own accord.  Remember, an addict cannot recover until they are ready to.

V