J
Jeff/Dan
Guest
Hey guys so many of you may know me as Jeff from YBR and Dan (or also sometimes Jeff) on the YBR Radio Show. I've decided to start journaling again after a long hiatus, and so this is my first post on Reboot Nation as opposed to YBR. I'll post here from time to time to keep you updated on my life and reboot stuff. Below is a recap post of my YBR journal with the main points of my reboot and rewiring, and below it a new bit on what I'm up to these days. You can find the original post here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=13427.350
Hope you enjoy reading and stay tuned. Stay fapstainant
How I realised I had a porn addiction
I realised I had a porn addiction back in August 2013. My life was a suicidal mess, and I had reached a bipolar intersection. Either I was to kill myself and end it once and for all, or I was to build my life back up again from scratch. I had been interested in Buddhism for a long period prior to trying meditation but this extreme junction in my life meant I finally had to try it; there was no longer time to procrastinate. I sat down and tried to just sit and be with my breath. Immediately, so much anxiety and depression became apparent. It was overwhelming and I quickly found myself in floods of tears. With this, came the almost immediate realisation that porn had become a serious problem for me. I had known for a while before that it can?t have been healthy to view as much porn as I did, but I was in denial about being addicted. I quickly typed in porn addiction into Google and YBOP immediately came up as the first hit. Everything changed from there.
By YBR Journal (main points)
? I tried to stop watching porn for about a month before starting my journal. It was a month filled with both full relapses and MO relapses. I wrote my first post in September 2013. I was totally suicidal.
? I saw my therapist and told her about the addiction. She said she had heard about it but didn?t know much about it. However, she could treat me for addictive behaviour. It transpired after that session, that the depression and anxiety I was experiencing had been an on-going thing since I was sent to boarding school at the age of 8. So now I knew the cause of my PMO addiction (or so I thought) - Depression and anxiety.
? I continued in a suicidal mess seeing a doctor to get anti-depressants and relapsing the next day. I was more positive about this relapse and was kind to myself about it.
? 24th October I begin to become close with a girl on my course who had a boyfriend who lived in another city, Emily. She was so supportive. I write a post realising that despite all my numbness I feel human again, something which I had rarely felt before. Page 2
? No sleep and nightmares followed regularly. I was totally fucked up and going through serious withdrawal.
? 2nd November ? relapse. It seemed near impossible for me twice to get any longer than a two week streak. I had my final therapy session of six a couple of days after. I was apprehensive but felt I had all the tools I needed to succeed in my reboot. I also found out my depression and anxiety was a result of maladaptive perfectionism (extreme pressure that one puts on themselves for success, look it up).
? 3rd November wrote a couple of poems. Check them out on ? page 3.
? Throughout the whole period up until now I felt totally flat-lined. Yet one day Emily and I were spooning and I felt a glimmer of libido.
? 03 Dec 30 days of no P (they were peeks) and 44 days no MO. Still in a seemingly unending flatline.
? 21 Dec everything got too much. I had to get out. I booked a weekend at the local Buddhist retreat. I returned feeling like there was purpose to my life. More on this on page 7.
? 24 Dec still in a flatline
? 02 Jan, I wrote a letter to PMO about how much I hate the cravings and won?t let them break me. Could provide good motivation if you ever feel strong urges coming. (page 8)
? 09 Jan, met Selena, my future girlfriend. Amazing connection. Next day, MORNING WOOD! Finally out of the flatline!
? 15th Jan first ?date? with Selena. Roaring libido. Feels so good. Roughly 90-100 days into no PMO no MO now.
? Within a week we were seeing each other and rewiring. Rewiring started happening fast, but it was impossible not to manually go to O with her. Sex was good with Selena and erections became consistently strong.
- 5 March we broke up as I was stressed and busy with studying. I regretted it and over the 5 week Easter break I fell into MO relapseville with two relapses to things that were effectively internet porn but not. One was to webcam sex with a girl, the other was to a music video.
Then in August Selena and I met again and had sex. At the end of August I moved to Berlin. We have spoken since then very sporadically - I think she's trying to distance herself from me and I don't blame her. We both have our own separate lives now and I've moved on too. I've had sex with about 4 girls since being in Berlin, and encounters with a couple more. I'm looking for connection these days not hookups, although hookups are all to easy and tempting in this city (for those of you who don't know, Berlin is widely regarded as one of the most liberal cities in the world with a vast array of fetish and sex-friendly clubs and liberal attitudes towards sexual expression in general. All sorts of debauchery goes on here from public sex to hookups, to all kinda of experimentation).
In terms of PMO I must be honest I've had a few lapses but not to high speed, just pictures - not that that justifies anything. I guess it was partly boredom of being in a new and overwhelming environment and partly loneliness. But I've overcome this now and am just getting on with my life as normal. I had a girlfriend for a bit but she was really very young (only 17). The sex with her was amazing but I had a few lapses while I was with her which gave me DE. I had to end it with her because really something just wasn't right.
I have plenty of opportunities here for rewiring but I'm more focused at the moment on living my life and just seeing what comes. I'm playing music at bars and meeting plenty of girls. There's one I've got my eye on so we'll see where that leads - made out with her the other night and things are looking promising - she's a really sweet girl and we connect well.
Anyway that's me for now but I'll keep you updated. Remember, rebooting is about living your life not just about getting your dick back.
Peace
Dan
Hope you enjoy reading and stay tuned. Stay fapstainant
How I realised I had a porn addiction
I realised I had a porn addiction back in August 2013. My life was a suicidal mess, and I had reached a bipolar intersection. Either I was to kill myself and end it once and for all, or I was to build my life back up again from scratch. I had been interested in Buddhism for a long period prior to trying meditation but this extreme junction in my life meant I finally had to try it; there was no longer time to procrastinate. I sat down and tried to just sit and be with my breath. Immediately, so much anxiety and depression became apparent. It was overwhelming and I quickly found myself in floods of tears. With this, came the almost immediate realisation that porn had become a serious problem for me. I had known for a while before that it can?t have been healthy to view as much porn as I did, but I was in denial about being addicted. I quickly typed in porn addiction into Google and YBOP immediately came up as the first hit. Everything changed from there.
By YBR Journal (main points)
? I tried to stop watching porn for about a month before starting my journal. It was a month filled with both full relapses and MO relapses. I wrote my first post in September 2013. I was totally suicidal.
? I saw my therapist and told her about the addiction. She said she had heard about it but didn?t know much about it. However, she could treat me for addictive behaviour. It transpired after that session, that the depression and anxiety I was experiencing had been an on-going thing since I was sent to boarding school at the age of 8. So now I knew the cause of my PMO addiction (or so I thought) - Depression and anxiety.
? I continued in a suicidal mess seeing a doctor to get anti-depressants and relapsing the next day. I was more positive about this relapse and was kind to myself about it.
? 24th October I begin to become close with a girl on my course who had a boyfriend who lived in another city, Emily. She was so supportive. I write a post realising that despite all my numbness I feel human again, something which I had rarely felt before. Page 2
? No sleep and nightmares followed regularly. I was totally fucked up and going through serious withdrawal.
? 2nd November ? relapse. It seemed near impossible for me twice to get any longer than a two week streak. I had my final therapy session of six a couple of days after. I was apprehensive but felt I had all the tools I needed to succeed in my reboot. I also found out my depression and anxiety was a result of maladaptive perfectionism (extreme pressure that one puts on themselves for success, look it up).
? 3rd November wrote a couple of poems. Check them out on ? page 3.
? Throughout the whole period up until now I felt totally flat-lined. Yet one day Emily and I were spooning and I felt a glimmer of libido.
? 03 Dec 30 days of no P (they were peeks) and 44 days no MO. Still in a seemingly unending flatline.
? 21 Dec everything got too much. I had to get out. I booked a weekend at the local Buddhist retreat. I returned feeling like there was purpose to my life. More on this on page 7.
? 24 Dec still in a flatline
? 02 Jan, I wrote a letter to PMO about how much I hate the cravings and won?t let them break me. Could provide good motivation if you ever feel strong urges coming. (page 8)
? 09 Jan, met Selena, my future girlfriend. Amazing connection. Next day, MORNING WOOD! Finally out of the flatline!
? 15th Jan first ?date? with Selena. Roaring libido. Feels so good. Roughly 90-100 days into no PMO no MO now.
? Within a week we were seeing each other and rewiring. Rewiring started happening fast, but it was impossible not to manually go to O with her. Sex was good with Selena and erections became consistently strong.
- 5 March we broke up as I was stressed and busy with studying. I regretted it and over the 5 week Easter break I fell into MO relapseville with two relapses to things that were effectively internet porn but not. One was to webcam sex with a girl, the other was to a music video.
Then in August Selena and I met again and had sex. At the end of August I moved to Berlin. We have spoken since then very sporadically - I think she's trying to distance herself from me and I don't blame her. We both have our own separate lives now and I've moved on too. I've had sex with about 4 girls since being in Berlin, and encounters with a couple more. I'm looking for connection these days not hookups, although hookups are all to easy and tempting in this city (for those of you who don't know, Berlin is widely regarded as one of the most liberal cities in the world with a vast array of fetish and sex-friendly clubs and liberal attitudes towards sexual expression in general. All sorts of debauchery goes on here from public sex to hookups, to all kinda of experimentation).
In terms of PMO I must be honest I've had a few lapses but not to high speed, just pictures - not that that justifies anything. I guess it was partly boredom of being in a new and overwhelming environment and partly loneliness. But I've overcome this now and am just getting on with my life as normal. I had a girlfriend for a bit but she was really very young (only 17). The sex with her was amazing but I had a few lapses while I was with her which gave me DE. I had to end it with her because really something just wasn't right.
I have plenty of opportunities here for rewiring but I'm more focused at the moment on living my life and just seeing what comes. I'm playing music at bars and meeting plenty of girls. There's one I've got my eye on so we'll see where that leads - made out with her the other night and things are looking promising - she's a really sweet girl and we connect well.
Anyway that's me for now but I'll keep you updated. Remember, rebooting is about living your life not just about getting your dick back.
Peace
Dan
