How to bring it up?

I?m not a native speaker so sorry for typos and grammar mistakes.

I became more and more sure my husband is a porn addict with every week but don?t now how to bring it up. I don?t judge him but something has to happen.

Our sex life was excellent earlier but the last 3 years were more like a dry spell. I can count on one hand how many times we were intimate but can?t count the situations I?ve been rejected. He watched porn, we even watched together, but that didn?t seemed to be a problem before.

We have two daughters and everything started with my first pregnancy 5 years ago. Due to complications I had to stay in bed from the third month and we had been told my orgasm can cause contractions which probably will led to miscarriage in my situation so no sex util the 36th week. Despite this, we messed around without me getting off, I?m not going to get into details.
After delivery everithing went back to normal but this happened again at my second pregnancy. Our younger daughter is 2 yo now.
The first year my husband worked a lot, I dealt with the little ones alone and we rarely spent time together. His work normalized since last year but our relationship didn?t.
He rejects me most of the time and I feel like I reached a point where something had broken inside me.
I was on a pill wich reduced my libido a lot but since there is no point in taking it, I gave it up 4 months ago. My libido raised back to normal and our non existing sex life became a hell for me.

I love him, more than anyone but I?m tired of rejection and don?t know if I can do this any longer witout any change or explanation from his side. I know I souldn?t go this way but with every rejection I feel more and more ashamed about asking for something he didn?t want to give. Most of the guys tell me I?m pretty so probably that?s not he problem yet I started to exaggregate my flaws and hate my body.

I?m planning to sit down with him and talking with him about it but honestly I have never been at a loss about anything before. How to bring it up? I don?t want to ashame him or reading him the riot act but I can?t live like this.

Nesssy, I actually think you expressed that quite perfectly. I think you have the words, and you know how you feel, it's just hard to actually have this conversation - probably because you are nervous about whether it will make him angry, or whether he will admit to the truth. Porn addicts do lie - that's a fact. The more angry somebody gets about being accused of something, the more likely it is that they are hiding something. Don't let his reaction stop you form pushing him for answers and for a plan to set things right. If he insists that he's not a porn addict, then make sure he admits that your intimate life is not satisfactory and that something needs to change. The main thing is that he hears that you are not willing to live like this anymore. He needs to feel some pressure to change his ways - otherwise he will keep pleasing himself and having nothing left for you.

As a man, my sense is that the best way to start the conversation is something like this: "Honey/darling/etc. I need you to understand something I'm feeling. I am feeling very rejected by you and it's hurting me a lot. I feel like we used to be so intimate and close, and now it has changed. I don't think I have changed, I feel like you have changed and you want me less and your desire for sex has disappeared. I have been reading about the affect that porn use can have on men and their relationships. and I think it's possible that you have a problem with porn that's affecting us. Do you think you have an addiction to porn? (wait for his answer). I'd like you to read some material and then have a think about it. (give him some links to pages from Your Brain on Porn)."

After that, I guess the conversation will go how it's going to go. But that's roughly how I would recommend you start a conversation with a man with a porn problem.

I wish you luck with your discussions with your husband.
M.

malando, I can?t tell you how thankful I am for your advice, I took it. Talked with him and it was a long conversation. He constantly tried to turn the topic to other things but I kept pushing him and finally he admitted it.
He offered to ask him anything but I didn?t do it, I feel no point in asking ?how often, what, how long? etc.?.
He told me, he obviously tried his best to stear clear the topic but won?t lie to me, which I really aprechiate. He became very open after that and told he knew it is a problem but hasn?t realized or wanted to admit, even to himself, how it affects his/our life. He told me he give it up.

For my biggest surprise I wasn?t angry or didn?t feel betrayed, not at all. It?s a long journey I know, but I feel we took one big step toward our normal life which is a good sign.

I'm glad it went so well for you, Nesssy. Congratulations - you've taken the first step! You will probably have to have a few serious talks along the way - this is not an easy process to go through - relapse is common in the early stages. Make sure you both keep talking about how he's going so that things don't slip back into old patterns. I think it's a combination of encouraging him, talking about his progress, and also making sure that he is paying attention to your needs - and also make sure you are looking after your own needs and encouraging yourself in what you do. Your self-esteem can drop quite a bit as the partner of an addict, so you may have some recovery to do yourself in terms of thinking positively about yourself. If you do all these things, recovery of his addiction and your intimate life is possible. I really hope you can do it!

Nesssey, I?m glad your and your husband were able to talk about your husband?s porn use, and so far so good. I agree that you don?t need to know the details of what he watched. It?s not that relevant in the long term. It?s more important that he quits and that you can both rebuild your sexual relationship from this point onwards.

Reading your post, I would suggest that it?s not only your husband?s porn use that?s the issue here. Although porn use can create quite serious problems in a relationship, it can actually be a symptom of other issues reflecting your relationship so it?s equally important to look at what other issues are relevant. Kids undoubtedly charge the relationship. Even finding the time and privacy required for sex can be a challenge for if you have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Having the physical energy after a long day of looking after your kids and everything else you?ve got to do can also mean sex becomes less of a priority. There may be physical changes that you need to feel comfortable with; communication with your husband might not be as good as it could be, after all you both had difficulties addressing your sexual needs, his and yours, if sex never happened.

On a positive note, this time is perfect for re-creating a better sexual relationship than what you were experiencing before. Before my husband?s porn addiction we had what I believed was a healthy and exciting sexual relationship, but since he quit porn we have been a lot more imaginative and experimental. I?m not saying it?s always easy because emotional issues can arise during the sexual recovery process (for me, maybe not for you but it?s possible). There is a book by Alexandra Katehakis for couples affected by sexual addiction called Erotic Intelligence (or something like that) which I recommend for later on in your relationship?s recovery, but certainly not in the first six months. I don?t agree with everything she writes about but overall her ideas are good. Bear in mind that sex addicts have far more complex issues than porn addicts who don?t go beyond just using porn. My ?rule? is that whatever the activity either partner wants, it has to be about bringing togetherness to the relationship, and not something that divides and separates the couple, or creates conflict etc.

It seems like you?re already at the beginning of your recovery journey. I hope you can both make good progress in rebuilding your relationship.