Strike a true path
Active Member
Here I am, struggling with an addiction to porn. I had always been attracted to it, but its availability was limited for most of my life (thank God -I feel so sorry for all these young guys who have been exposed to this shit from such a young age)
In my forties I got a computer and I thought all my birthdays had come at once with all the free stuff available. It took me a long time to realise that I had a problem with it
Once I started watching I couldn't stop clicking away looking for more and more exciting images and scenes. Hours would go by and I would get angry with myself for wasting so much time -that I could be using for healthy and productive things such as art and music, time with friends and family etc. I became more and more bad tempered and reclusive, losing more and more motivation and confidence. Horrible!
Couldn't wait for my partner to go out so I could get back on the porn and Ive been feeling crap for betraying her and having this "dirty secret" that I am so scared she will find out about. I really hope I can move on from this as soon as I can so it will be in the past.
My pattern of use has not been to masturbate to porn, but to seek out more and more stimulating pictures and films and to acquire them. I realise that this is a way of drugging myself ("edging"), and it all keys in to natural urges. The porn hijacks my powerful natural drives. I have the "thrill of the hunt" seeking out this stuff and I capture it by downloading it onto my computer -I very rarely watch it again! It all gets deleted when I regain control and decide to continue in my effort to stop using.
I realise that this stuff is really TOXIC. It leaves me feeling like shit and poisons my whole being, taking me further away from who I am and the person I want to be. IT IS NOT THE DIRECTION I WANT TO GO IN MY LIFE.
I feel so ashamed and alone. I don't feel like I can tell anyone in my life about it and theres nowhere I could write about it at home where my writings wont be found. So here I am on this forum to let other people know my story and the ups and downs of my recovery. I'm thinking it will be good for me and good for all the other guys who are in this position to share our experiences and ideas.
Although I have relapsed many times, I have reached the stage where I feel like I am recovering. I have handled my last two relapses really well -much better than in the past. I have managed to stop the binge from lasting so long and Ive been able to avoid berating myself for my lapses. For me these are major steps forward and give me hope for the future.
This is a really tough thing to go through as all the guys on here know. I beat a ten year smoking habit and it was dead easy compared to this!
Anyway, I have just come out of another relapse and wiped all the porn off my computer. Back on track again thank goodness. My plan now is to have a look at what happened and learn some lessons from it.
Thanks for reading and good luck with your own recovery process
In my forties I got a computer and I thought all my birthdays had come at once with all the free stuff available. It took me a long time to realise that I had a problem with it
Once I started watching I couldn't stop clicking away looking for more and more exciting images and scenes. Hours would go by and I would get angry with myself for wasting so much time -that I could be using for healthy and productive things such as art and music, time with friends and family etc. I became more and more bad tempered and reclusive, losing more and more motivation and confidence. Horrible!
Couldn't wait for my partner to go out so I could get back on the porn and Ive been feeling crap for betraying her and having this "dirty secret" that I am so scared she will find out about. I really hope I can move on from this as soon as I can so it will be in the past.
My pattern of use has not been to masturbate to porn, but to seek out more and more stimulating pictures and films and to acquire them. I realise that this is a way of drugging myself ("edging"), and it all keys in to natural urges. The porn hijacks my powerful natural drives. I have the "thrill of the hunt" seeking out this stuff and I capture it by downloading it onto my computer -I very rarely watch it again! It all gets deleted when I regain control and decide to continue in my effort to stop using.
I realise that this stuff is really TOXIC. It leaves me feeling like shit and poisons my whole being, taking me further away from who I am and the person I want to be. IT IS NOT THE DIRECTION I WANT TO GO IN MY LIFE.
I feel so ashamed and alone. I don't feel like I can tell anyone in my life about it and theres nowhere I could write about it at home where my writings wont be found. So here I am on this forum to let other people know my story and the ups and downs of my recovery. I'm thinking it will be good for me and good for all the other guys who are in this position to share our experiences and ideas.
Although I have relapsed many times, I have reached the stage where I feel like I am recovering. I have handled my last two relapses really well -much better than in the past. I have managed to stop the binge from lasting so long and Ive been able to avoid berating myself for my lapses. For me these are major steps forward and give me hope for the future.
This is a really tough thing to go through as all the guys on here know. I beat a ten year smoking habit and it was dead easy compared to this!
Anyway, I have just come out of another relapse and wiped all the porn off my computer. Back on track again thank goodness. My plan now is to have a look at what happened and learn some lessons from it.
Thanks for reading and good luck with your own recovery process